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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD 15 not independent on getting to places on her own

28 replies

shellstarbarley · 27/07/2021 14:57

My DD is 15 and has always been anxious going out without an adult. She is extremely sensible and very health and safety concious. She still hates walking anywhere on her own and expects lifts everywhere. I am trying to encourage her to use buses -a good regular service round us so not a problem. We don't mind being a taxi in the evening but really want to encourage some independence in her for getting about during the day. All her friends seem to get lifts, some of the parents don't like to encourage their kids to use the bus - when I was 15 getting lifts with my parents was a totally "no way" . Her autistic 13 yr old brother uses the buses on his own and with friends without an issue. I have been a bit harsh and telling her that if she wants to go out she needs to make her own way - day 4 now of her not leaving the house. She is quite happy in the house because I am close by and she feels safe so she doesn't mind staying in. I don't drive so I can't get her places easily. We have used buses for years if I could bus with her then come back for her she would be fine. I just worry at 15 she is too reliant on me but if I don't bus or walk with her she won't go anywhere. Friends are meeting at the rec tomorrow for a picnic she can get there on a bus route but she won't do it on her own. Don't know whether to give in and take her the places she wants to go so she at least can get out and about or by trying to make her get the bus she is confined to the house. I wonder if there may be a whole other issue here - of she is happier at home and feels safe and secure so she is using the bus refusal as an escape route for being able to stay at home all day as since covid she has become a total homebody.

OP posts:
CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/07/2021 14:59

How does she get to school? It seems quite strange for a 15 year old to not feel comfortable getting the bus by herself.

ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 15:01

What is at the root of her insecurity, lack of self-confidence and fear of going anywhere without you?

Has she ever explained how she feels?

FoxgloveSummers · 27/07/2021 15:01

I wonder if she’s had a bad experience alone on a bus? How is she with other transport eg walking or train?

FoxgloveSummers · 27/07/2021 15:02

Sorry just saw you mentioned walking, I would ask her why. It’s possible she’s been victimised in some way (verbally, violently or sexually eg flashing) so ask with an open Mind

Ghosttile · 27/07/2021 15:02

It sounds like anxiety.

If you get her there would she be able to make her own way home?

morethanbetter · 27/07/2021 15:06

I had bus anxiety when I was her age when I was verbally abused by two boys on the bus when I was 13/14. I traveled with my friends only or walked everywhere. I never said it to my parents. Do you think something happened to her in the past?

shellstarbarley · 27/07/2021 15:12

We have been on buses from when they were tiny, been in pubs as a family etc. We have always had the news on in the background but we had to stop having the news on as one day there was an article about Madeleine McCann and ever since then she wouldn't go in the garden alone or even play upstairs. She still says she is scared of being taken, she does walk to school but with a group of other children who live closer by than her friends. She has had to walk home occasionally alone and is always on the phone to me or my DH all the way because she is so nervous. She trusts no one!!

OP posts:
shellstarbarley · 27/07/2021 15:14

@morethanbetter

I had bus anxiety when I was her age when I was verbally abused by two boys on the bus when I was 13/14. I traveled with my friends only or walked everywhere. I never said it to my parents. Do you think something happened to her in the past?
She has never been on a bus on her own and she says nothing has happened when walking just that she is scared in case something does happen.
OP posts:
Akire · 27/07/2021 15:16

Can’t she get bus with a friend? How about going with her the first few times so she has confidence? It is an important skill to be able manage.

Skyla2005 · 27/07/2021 15:25

I would give her lifts because at least then she is going out. If she stays In all the time she could stop wanting to go out altogether. Some teens are so anxious they can't do anything independently so be thankful she is going out and try and gradually build up from there Don't push her to to things she's not ready for

ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 15:34

@shellstarbarley

We have been on buses from when they were tiny, been in pubs as a family etc. We have always had the news on in the background but we had to stop having the news on as one day there was an article about Madeleine McCann and ever since then she wouldn't go in the garden alone or even play upstairs. She still says she is scared of being taken, she does walk to school but with a group of other children who live closer by than her friends. She has had to walk home occasionally alone and is always on the phone to me or my DH all the way because she is so nervous. She trusts no one!!
How have you dealt with that anxiety - how have you reassured her?
JohnnyEnglish · 27/07/2021 15:36

Could you agree to meet her at the bus stop? Or take her part of the way? I have an anxious child (much younger) but if I dig my heels in sadly it never resolved positively. Trying to find a compromise and taking things slowly do usually get us to the desired outcome. Albeit it takes longer. I know how frustrating it can be but ultimately her staying home and not mixing with friends won’t assist her anxiety at all. Good luck and try and keep being patient (easier said than done).

RaskolnikovsGarret · 27/07/2021 15:44

Could she go by bus, and you maybe follow her in a car if you can get a friend to drive you? Or she can sit on the ground floor of the bus, and you sit on the top floor? Or you could see her on to the bus, and your DH could wait at the end stop and see her off?

All to prove the lack of danger?

notthe1Parrot · 27/07/2021 15:49

If you live in an urban area, with slow-moving buses, could you follow her on a bike? Much easier than following in a car. I did this the first few times my son went on a bus on his own.

Serenschintte · 27/07/2021 15:51

She could get on the bus and you sit next to her. Next time on the Seat accross the aisle and then a bit further away etc.
If there is nothing that has happened to her specifically it might just mean she needs a bit of extra support and to feel worried but give it a go anyway.

GetOffThatTable · 27/07/2021 16:00

I would get on the bus with her but also talk her through the fact that abductions or bad things only happen to the smallest number of people. We live in a city with daily crime including shootings and stabbings just not in our area. We watch Police Interceptors so my sons are well aware of the amount of crime but they are also comforted by statistics, the sheer number of people for whom nothing happens.

Definitely accompany her for a bit and I agree with Seren baby steps, so on the bus together, then a bit separate leading up to you getting off the bus a stop before hers, that way you are close enough but not close. She clearly needs reassurance but she needs to confront her fears too, just in a way that doesn't freak her out completely.

Oblomov21 · 27/07/2021 16:09

This is ridiculous. MM went missing in 2007. 14 years ago. Your dd15 shouldn't be troubled by this.

Please speak to her HoY and school counsellor to arrange counselling, and also talk to your Gp about her anxiety. She needs help and support.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2021 16:13

Why don't you send her off with her brother? They can take the bus together and she can hopefully build her confidence.

Mabelface · 27/07/2021 16:42

Have you considered that she also may have asd, as it presents so differently in girls. She obviously has major anxiety and you're her "safe" person and home her safe place.

Mamamamasaurus · 27/07/2021 16:46

@Mabelface

Have you considered that she also may have asd, as it presents so differently in girls. She obviously has major anxiety and you're her "safe" person and home her safe place.
This is a very good point - I read an article that said that girls 'mask' ASD more than boys so it can be more difficult to diagnose
MaryBoBary · 27/07/2021 17:12

It's only been 4 days. When she's bored she will try it.

Kanaloa · 27/07/2021 17:16

I wouldn’t go back to giving her lifts, but I would be looking at some professional support. For a fifteen year old to be so scared of being kidnapped she refuses to go anywhere alone is very worrying. In a few short years she’ll be off to uni alone, she needs to start getting some independence.

toolazytothinkofausername · 27/07/2021 17:20

Her brother has Autism. Although she doesn't have Autism, could she have some of the characteristics of a person on the spectrum? Could these characteristics make it harder to be independent?

shellstarbarley · 27/07/2021 17:22

This last year I have been thinking perhaps she does have ASD, as well. Up until she was 8 and saw the MM report on the news she was very confident little girl and then overnight she changed never wanting me to be far away from her. Just before the first lockdown her anxiousness was starting to get better and she was happier walking to school than she ever had been. Then the pandemic hit and we were all confined to our homes and by the time we were allowed out again her confidence had taken a dive. Her brother is a real rule follower due to his ASD and she is very similar like this, which is a definite ASD trait. She will not go on the bus with her brother as it is embarrassing because he is younger than her. It doesn't help that her best friends mum doesn't like her DD getting the bus because she thinks they are smelly and covid spreaders so she takes her DD everywhere and if her mum can't take her her grandad does. I also work part time so am not always available to walk or bus with her.

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 27/07/2021 17:29

I have Autism, and hate buses. I'll go on one for a few stops, but that's it. Buses are far too unpredictable which causes a lot of anxiety. Crying babies are the worst.

Trains are better as they are walkthrough so I can walk through until I find a seat I like.

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