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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS being bullied at summer job 😕

40 replies

Lotusmonster · 23/07/2021 09:07

DS18 got a summer pre-Uni job at a local activity centre. Started pretty well tho not happy as many staff members smoke weed. DS hates drugs and cigarettes. There’s not much of an age gap in the team hierarchy. DS struggles with OCD and is in active therapy for this….so his mental health is a bit fragile. Last week his supervisor (this was a one off) pinched him in front of another team member. Was apparently more humiliating than physically painful. DS didn’t know how to respond. He values the job, the money, decent hours etc but if he complains given the causal nature is likely to be asked to leave or be ridiculed. Would value any views please on helping DS to manage this situation. Thanks

OP posts:
Seafog · 23/07/2021 09:10

How about he says " hands off!" When it happens?
What did he do at the time?

coodawoodashooda · 23/07/2021 09:12

That is horrible.

girlmom21 · 23/07/2021 09:15

Was it a one off occurrence or has he had other issues, as you've used the word bullying?

Ohdeariedear · 23/07/2021 09:19

Firstly, I think bullying has to be more sustained than one incident. At this point, you have one incident of someone potentially just being a bit of an arse that’s not been repeated.

If that was me, I’d have addressed it at the time with a simple ‘hey, please don’t do that’ but I’ve years of experience being in a working environment, which of course your son does not.

I don’t think he should complain now, a week later. What I’d suggest is that you equip him to respond on the spot should it happen again - rehearse some versions of ‘oi, stop that!’. Sadly, this is a situation/circumstance he could encounter in any job so it’s good to learn early on how to handle it.

Equally, if the wider set up is having an impact on his mental health,, could he leave and get a different job. Mental health is more important in the long term (and I say that as someone who moved job for this very reason).

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 09:24

He values the job, the money, decent hours etc but if he complains given the causal nature is likely to be asked to leave or be ridiculed.

I would leave. I'm far too long in the tooth to tolerate this kind of employer. Many years ago I did a lot of jobs where I put up with crap and had no decent management. I absolutely would not do it now. Particularly not for a summer job of going to uni.

Tell him to look for something else. The hospitality industry near me is literally crying out for staff, we were browsing jobs the other day and the choice was huge.

GoWalkabout · 23/07/2021 09:31

He doesn't have to complain, but he could use it as practice in assertive boundaries - 'I don't accept you doing that' 'don't do that please' in a totally serious tone with a firm stare, or take them aside and say it 1:1. If it continues then raise or report no qualms. And also practice of thriving in a work culture you don't completely agree with - enough street smarts, confidence and banter to be accepted and trusted but not so much that you are involved - kind of 'live and let live' 'rising above it' and not tolerating foolishness attitude. All of these things are important to learn in jobs.

BrimFullOfAsher · 23/07/2021 09:35

But them smoking and your son not isn't bullying, neither is that one incident or a similar age hierarchy. It sounds like that one incident was misjudged horseplay rather than bullying?

OdetoMyFamily · 23/07/2021 09:42

Is your DS calling it bullying or are you? I'd be careful about describing a one off incident as bullying. Could you manager have - in a cack handed manner - been trying to get your DS to lighten up and join in?

Geamhradh · 23/07/2021 09:46

I work with lots of activity leader staff in the summer, most aged 17-22.

Arsing about, drinking (when off duty), undoubtedly smoking a bit of weed, getting off with each other, is going to be something that happens in any big group of young people. It's what they do. This kind of temp summer job is always seen as 50% the job, and 50% the social life craic that goes with such a job.

Given your son's ongoing issues, it might not be the best kind of job for him.

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 09:50

'Misjudged horseplay'

'Trying to get him to lighten up'

'It's what they do'

Can you posters see what you are doing here?

Geamhradh · 23/07/2021 09:53

Yes.
My staff drink, probably smoke, and definitely get off with each other. It's what they do.
The OP has used those things to bolster her assertion her son is being bullied because he doesn't do those things. They aren't bullying. Neither is a one off pinch.

Italiandreams · 23/07/2021 09:57

If someone pinched me at work I would make a formal complaint, not sure why because he is a teenager it’s any different.

Italiandreams · 23/07/2021 09:58

I understand the predicament by the way just really responding to those minimising the behaviour.

Ohdeariedear · 23/07/2021 09:59

Yes @pastafeend, we’re trying to help the OP with her question, to help her son manage his first issue in his first job. It could certainly be the start of bullying behaviour and if it had happened two or three times then my answer (and I’m sure that of others) would be different. But so far it’s a one-off incident that happened a week ago.

What would your suggestions be?

Ohdeariedear · 23/07/2021 10:03

@Italiandreams I’m genuine when I ask this - you’d go straight to a formal complaint to a third party without immediately addressing it with the person first when it happened?

onelittlefrog · 23/07/2021 10:04

Has he spoken to the supervisor about this? He needs to learn some assertiveness and to enforce his boundaries and personal space. You could see this as an opportunity to support him to do that.

He needs to go to the supervisor and say something along the lines of "I really enjoy my job here - the hours are great and I like the work. But the other day you invaded my personal space when you pinched me. I found that extremely disrespectful and the fact that you are my supervisor does not give you the right to lay your hands on me in any way. Do not invade my personal space again, it is not acceptable in a working relationship and if it happens again I will be reviewing whether to continue working here".

Of course he has to follow through with that and quit the job - and report his supervisor - if it happens again. Chances are though he will actually gain some respect for laying down his boundaries.

Even if he does lose the job, it's a life lesson and he will have learned to stand up for himself.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/07/2021 10:05

Bugger, just typed out a long post and lost it.

The minimising here is dreadful.

Not so sure people would be responding this way if this was a teen girl.

This is work not socialising where he can walk away easily, it's not on!

onelittlefrog · 23/07/2021 10:09

Also a life lesson to learn that some jobs just aren't worth it, and his self respect comes first.

If he's not desperate for the money (and if he's living at home with you then he's probably not?) then it's much more important that he learn to stand up for himself than that he has a few extra quid.

(Don't however let him just throw the towel in and quit without confronting the supervisor - that's the worst of both world because he loses the job AND doesn't learn to stand up for himself).

Italiandreams · 23/07/2021 10:10

It’s completely inappropriate in the workplace! If someone came to me with that kind of complaint I would also be expected to take it seriously! You can not physically hurt people at work! ( doesn’t matter if it hurt or not the intent was there). I do have the skills to deal with situation my self and am in a senior position so unlikely to be pinched my someone senior to myself ( or anyone for that matter) , but there is an imbalance of power in this situation too.

Ohdeariedear · 23/07/2021 10:21

Ah, I missed that it was his supervisor in front of someone else - sorry. In that case, leave. It’s a workplace culture thing and it’ll be negative for his mental health - life’s too short.

If it was a co-worker at his level though, my initial advice would still stand - a swift ‘fuck off’ lets them know it’s not appropriate and you’ve recognised it as such. If they thought were just having a ‘laugh’, that should be enough for them to recognise that it’s not funny, they should apologise and everyone moves on - you happy that you’ve exerted your power and them having learned a valuable lesson (plus learning you won’t take any shit). If they carry on, then when/if you progress to a formal complaint, you can say you clearly tried to address it with them and they ignored you..

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 10:31

@Ohdeariedear

Yes *@pastafeend*, we’re trying to help the OP with her question, to help her son manage his first issue in his first job. It could certainly be the start of bullying behaviour and if it had happened two or three times then my answer (and I’m sure that of others) would be different. But so far it’s a one-off incident that happened a week ago.

What would your suggestions be?

I already suggested he leave.

Toxic behaviour at work is not acceptable.

I pointed out dismissive and minimising comments by 3 posters which are exactly the kind of comment this workplace will hit back with if challenged. Supervisors are not there to physically assault staff members and dress it up as banter.

Ohdeariedear · 23/07/2021 10:34

@pastafeend yes, I didn’t take in it was the supervisor that did it on my first read. There’s no hope of resolving that so I agree now that leaving is the best option (and saying why, if he feels up to doing that).

Somuddled · 23/07/2021 10:41

What does he want to do about it? Someone pinched me at work after me very clearly saying 'don't touch me' I made a formal complaint and they took it very seriously. But it wasn't a casual environment it was a formal office one.

I fully understand the humiliation aspect. Being pinched is really horrid.

If he likes lots of other aspects I'd encourage clear statements practiced beforehand. They will be useful for uni too.

SD1978 · 23/07/2021 10:41

Unless there is more- bullying is sustained, this was a one off. He disagrees with their life choices/ how vocal/ obvious does he make this? They aren't going to change their choices regarding smoking, so either he needs to ignore that or leave. If the only incident is a pinch- which is annoying but hardly constitutes bullying, if he is unable to interact and get on with this bunch of peers- maybe try to find somewhere else to work.

BrimFullOfAsher · 23/07/2021 11:16

But how are we minimising bullying behaviour here?

It was a one off incident, that is NOT bullying. Yes his supervisor should not have pinched him, it would be interesting to know the situation that led to this. But regardless, a one off example in no way constitutes bullying

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