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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

There's a small ziplock of white powder in DDs room

35 replies

IHopeImWrongButKnowImNot · 12/07/2021 18:56

She's almost 17 and is very oppositional, angry and will push and boundary.
I've been doing a course on communicating with teens and thought I'd pulled her back from the brink after a couple of really dreadful years where I thought we were going to lose her. She's at a friend's house for a couple of nights and although I'm not supposed to go in her room (it's a trust thing) I went to retrieve a few mugs and apropos of nothing picked up a little box z as bd opened it. It has a ziplock bag of white powder in there. I feel sick. I knew she was drinking a bit but thought she wasn't stupid. Now it seems like she was as slowed some booze so she's now trying the next thing.
I want to talk to her but she will be immediately angry as I opened the box. Naturally it will all become about my lack of faith not her behaviour.

I know it's illegal. I know she's at risk. I'm out at work and can't monitor her movements. Any suggestions on how to raise this in a non-confrontational way? I want it to stop but telling her that will make her continue the behaviour but be more secretive.

Also, it's a white powder, apart from coke is there anything else it could be? I wondered about ecstasy but apparently that's grey? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
IHopeImWrongButKnowImNot · 12/07/2021 19:43

If I make it clear I'm not a troll or a journalist but a worried mum who has name changed, can anyone help me?
I'm not asking for admissions of wrong doing, but there must be someone on here who has had training or knows more than me.
I don't know how to address this without making it worse.

OP posts:
AperolWhore · 12/07/2021 19:48

I've been that teenager and you are right it will be about you breaking trust but you must confront this. Ask her why, explain you aren't mad but worried about her health etc ultimately it's her choice and if she wants to do it she will find a way but if she knows she can talk to you without you being angry or judging her that might help...big hugs

fairytwinkletastic · 12/07/2021 19:48

It's impossible to accurately say what it is as impurities within the drug, if it's a drug, can alter the appearance. It could be speed, I don't know how fashionable that is now. Would you be able to have a straight, honest talk?

Original poster
IHopeImWrongButKnowImNot · 12/07/2021 21:32

Perhaps, but due to the oppositional behaviour she will lie and get angry and make it much much worse.
How can I tell what's in the bag? Is there any way to swap the contents without her realising immediately?
Or should I leave it and pretend I don't know until we have some kind of dialogue?
I am completely at a loss.

OP posts:
Yellowcrockpot · 12/07/2021 21:35

Hello op,
I'm sorry you are going through this, this might help

www.talktofrank.com

Antiquestuff · 12/07/2021 21:36

Swapping it is dangerous imo.
What if she uses the ‘drug’ and doesn’t feel high so next time takes more? She could overdose.

Good luck with talking to her OP.

Yellowcrockpot · 12/07/2021 21:36

www.talktofrank.com/get-help/concerned-about-a-child

Yellowcrockpot · 12/07/2021 21:37

There's alot of advice and support on the website, good luck, and i hope it's helpful to your situation.

Ugzbugz · 12/07/2021 21:38

If its coke it sometimes smells almost petrol like, it may be powdery or granules. But it's expensive.

Ecstasy is normally a tablet.

Could be MDMA?

Yellowcrockpot · 12/07/2021 21:40

Also, childline might be worth a call?

irritableshark · 12/07/2021 21:43

When you say zip lock bag - that brings to mind a sandwich style bag. Is it as big as that? If so that would be dealer quantities I would have thought.

Normally personal use would be a small press together bag. An inch or 2 wide.

omgthepain · 12/07/2021 21:44

One of my colleagues was in this position she phoned her GP and they were really good and made a referral to the appropriate people

WhoKnowsProbsNotMe · 12/07/2021 21:45

Does it have a smell? Also you could….prep myself for the backlash rub a tiny bit on your gum if it’s coke it will feel numb, also is it powdery like baking soda or like salt Xx

Marmaladee · 12/07/2021 21:47

Show us a picture if you like. Might be easier to tell. I work in substance misuse services.

Marmaladee · 12/07/2021 21:48

I wonder if she'd leave it somewhere so obvious though, would she?

Yellowcrockpot · 12/07/2021 21:49

Just to add, uncrushed cocaine may come in small blocks, usually in a gummy bag, or a paper/cardboard wrap.
Will usually smell like petrol or similar.
If there's a large quantity of it, unlikely to be cocaine unless said user has alot of money.
Even a small wrap of cocaine will cost anything from £20 - £50, a block the size of a fingernail, or crushed enough the fill half or more of a small gummy bag.

bluefootedboobie · 12/07/2021 21:52

You can take some and send it off to get it tested, see: www.wedinos.org/sample_testing.html

It’s probably MDMA or ketamine. But knowing exactly which drug it it won’t help you will it?

I remember when my mum found out I was taking LSD at about the same age, and nothing would have made me open up to her about it. We didn’t have a close relationship though. I went on to do all sorts of drugs recreationally over the next 15-20 years, along with A levels, degree, career and family. And I’m fine. It would probably be better if you just didn’t know.

Focus on building a good relationship with her rather than worrying about what you’ve found. Because I don’t think you letting her know you know will stop her doing it.

Horehound · 12/07/2021 21:53

This would be the situation on my house when I was young (not that I did drugs or smoked but just if something wasn't followed to the house rules)
I'd come home, mum and dad would be at the table, item of issue on the table laid out and then I'd be told to sit down and explain myself.
It was fucking horrendous but o guess it did make me just tell the truth because they had the "evidence" in front of them.

I guess from the lack of trust on her side you just say it's your job as a parent to sometimes break trust if it is in the interest of their health or security?

ColdandFrosty1 · 12/07/2021 21:53

@Marmaladee

I wonder if she'd leave it somewhere so obvious though, would she?
I was thinking this, that maybe it was placed there purposely to see if you had been in her room? Still not okay though
Jorja02 · 12/07/2021 21:55

It’s a tricky one as I’ve also been that teenager and my mum did find out, went crazy at me and it did nothing to stop me using drugs well into my 20s, I just got better at hiding it. I’m not sure what the answer is though as I appreciate you don’t want to do nothing.

I’d talk to her but try and be non confrontational, apologise for breaking the trust first so she doesn’t focus on that but say you really want to talk about it and won’t get mad but want to make sure she’s safe as the top priority. Tell her you can buy drug testing kits online which can identify drugs to give a bit more reassurance on whether it’s mixed with anything nasty. She needs to be educated on the risks as no doubt she’ll do it anyway but needs to be as safe as possible...for example if it is coke then drinking alcohol while taking coke is much more harmful and toxic (although very common). Mixing coke with ketamine is also dangerous but not uncommon.

Sorry I can’t be more help :( I have a daughter now and I don’t know what I’d do I’d just want her to be as safe as possible...I don’t know how you stop them.

Horehound · 12/07/2021 21:59

Yes I also agree with jorja02 in that it won't stop her.
I am struggling to think of anyone I know that hasn't tried drugs...I can't think of one!
So maybe it is best left unsaid and just keep an eye on her?
It does sound like you went out of your way to rifle through her stuff though. So I guess if you hadn't snooped you'd be none the wise and blissfully worry free!

Jorja02 · 12/07/2021 21:59

My money is on ketamine by the way..coke is expensive for a 17 year old (or it was when I was that age). Ketamine is still very popular although god knows why I think the effects are very unpleasant.

BillyShears · 12/07/2021 22:00

I was going to suggest speed. Mostly because it’s cheaper than coke so unless she’s a 17 year old Rockefeller that seems more likely.

Someone may have already mentioned this but Talk to Frank have a great set of resources on their website and a 24/7 advice line on 03001236600 (you can also text them on 82111 or email them via this page.

irritableshark · 12/07/2021 22:06

Agree it might be ketamine. It is used a lot in that age group. Never had it personally but seen people on it and they always look totally fucked. The bladder consequences sound absolutely horrific.

Sorry you having to deal with this. It's v tricky with no easy answers.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 12/07/2021 22:11

I don't think it matters what drug it is. Probably coke or mdma. If she has some in her room then she's already tried it at least once or twice and has now bought some for an occasion coming up. I really think you need to keep the communication open with her and be there to offer help and support, not challenge her and bollock her. In my limited experience most young people who experiment with drugs get bored of it or find its a drain on finances or find something better to do and having a blow up argument with their mum doesn't make that happen any quicker. But if she's alienated from you and doesn't trust you not to overstep her boundaries then you'll see a lot less of her in the coming years and you will have no idea what's going on on her life. You shouldn't have looked in the box - it's not done you any favours.