Just so fed up of this shit

[MagnificentBottom]

I’m done, I just cannot take anymore of my DS 16. He is a nightmare. He has been brought up in a nurturing and supportive environment, has always been encouraged do do his best and received praise and recognition for any achievement no matter how small. He has always been defiant, awkward and difficult.

Now as a teenager he is lazy, entitled and completely takes the piss whenever he can. No matter how I or his Dad respond, nothing ever changes. We’ve taken his TV off him, turned off the WiFi, stopped pocket money etc, nothing makes any difference, in fact when we impose sanctions and put boundaries in place he is worse.

He kicked off this morning because he wanted money to go into town with his mates, I said no, he’d already had his pocket money for the week and spent it. He asked if he could earn some money so I said he could clean my car inside and out for £5. He looked insulted and told me that I was taking the piss and he wouldn’t consider doing anything for less than £10. I said I wasn’t going to pay him anything then and he stormed off slamming doors.

He then had a tantrum because he couldn’t find a particular sweater. I told him to wear a different one, he told me not to be so stupid as my suggestion was apparently a hoodie, not a sweater of course they are completely different. He then found the sweater on the washing line which was wet and proceeded to wear it. It was of course my fault as it wasn’t dry in time.

He then asked me to give him a lift, I asked where he wanted to go. He said ‘I dunno’ at which point I did laugh and say ‘well most people who want a lift at least know their destination’. He went mad saying ‘stop laughing at me’. He then told me that everything in our house is shit.

I said maybe it’s better you went out then. At which point he accused me of not wanting him and ‘kicking him out’ which I wasn’t- I just thought it may be better if he went out for a bit.

He then told me he’s going to live at his gf’s house as apparently her mum is nicer than me.

I’m not looking for parenting tips or even advice. Just maybe wanted to hear from other parents who have / had very difficult teens.

Mine aren't that extreme but regardless some days their behaviour is so hurtful. They have improved as they've got older!

Can be get a job if he wants money? DS(16) has just got 2 part-time jobs in hospitality. They are crying out for workers near us

Time for him to do his own laundry too

I can’t get passed you wanting to pay your son five pounds for an inside and out car clean. What is this? 1993?

How much pocket money does he get?

In your situation, I would make it very clear that if he wishes you to continue cooking, washing, ironing and driving him, then his attitude towards you needs to be polite and respectful.
If he doesn't improve, then stop providing services and if he goes to live with his girlfriend, so be it. If he treats his girlfriend's mum as he is treating you, he may find himelf unwelcome. Good luck.

Its tedious isn't it. They were such cute cuddly lovely babies once upon a time.

I can't believe he had the audacity to ask you for a lift straight after behaving like that.

I did once say to DS that I wouldn't have bothered stretching my vagina for him if I knew what an utter prick he would turn into. It stopped him being a prick for a couple of weeks but he occasionally lapses back into prick mode.

@Awarsewolf

I can’t get passed you wanting to pay your son five pounds for an inside and out car clean. What is this? 1993?

This made me laugh, may be £5 was a bit stingy!

@Twinkie01

Its tedious isn't it. They were such cute cuddly lovely babies once upon a time.

I can't believe he had the audacity to ask you for a lift straight after behaving like that.

I did once say to DS that I wouldn't have bothered stretching my vagina for him if I knew what an utter prick he would turn into. It stopped him being a prick for a couple of weeks but he occasionally lapses back into prick mode.

That’s an excellent response!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

How much pocket money does he get?

I give him £10 per week and an extra £10 to collect his little brother from school each day as I’m in work so £20. He also earns money working for his dad part time earning between £30-£50 per week so he has £50-£70 each week. If he does behave I will treat him and hid gf to his favourite take away (Chinese or curry)

@Lilypansy

In your situation, I would make it very clear that if he wishes you to continue cooking, washing, ironing and driving him, then his attitude towards you needs to be polite and respectful. If he doesn't improve, then stop providing services and if he goes to live with his girlfriend, so be it. If he treats his girlfriend's mum as he is treating you, he may find himelf unwelcome. Good luck.

Quite right I have done exactly that. He then says how sorry he is and that he ‘must have got out of bed on the wrong side’. He’s then nice as pie for a couple of days then horrid again. He says he can’t help it as everyone annoys him

I think you need to stop engaging so much when he’s clearly determined to be a dickhead. ‘I need money’, oh that’s a shame. ‘I can’t find my hoody’, oh that’s a shame. ‘I need a lift’, oh that’s a shame. Stop bending over backwards to help him when he’s in dickhead mode

Not excusing his behaviour - believe me, have suffered similar/worse - but could he be feeling some sort of anxiety going out? My 16 yo goes up a height before leaving for anything social (he has ASD to be fair, and diagnosed anxiety).

My ds is 13 and pretty hard work ..I can imagine by 16 he'll be like this. Sending you my sympathy It's fucking unbearable sometimes isn't it?!

@Awarsewolf

I can’t get passed you wanting to pay your son five pounds for an inside and out car clean. What is this? 1993?

Unskilled work = NMW. Could he reasonably expect more than a fiver for what is almost certainly no more than half an hour's work. I have had teenage DC and I'm pretty sure the finished job would not be as good as you would get in your local shopping mall car park for a tenner.

This reminds me of a parenting teenagers book I've got: 'Get Out Of My Life But First Take Me And Alex Into Town!

For you, OP.

yeah I also thought £5 pretty low.

But if you don't have more spare then you don't have it.

I agree ease off lots of things get him washing his own stuff, Then any questions about were his clothes are are answered "where ever you had it last"
only wash his stuff if he has brought his clothes to the washing machine to go with whatever you are about to wash.

push him to look for work if he needs more cash.

Don't antagonize him, by laughing at stuff (teenage can be ultra sensitive) just point out how rude he was earlier and you don't appreciate then been asked to put yourself out for him after the way he spoke to you.

If he doesn't know where he wants to go, just tell him to ask again when he does.

He definitely suffers with anxiety, he can’t cope at all with situations like if he can’t find something he needs straight away he explodes despite trying to teach him to try and be calm and think logically. I try not to engage with him but I know if I don’t at least appear to try and be helpful it adds to his anxiety and he will end up breaking something.

It’s difficult because it’s like a switch. He’ll be extremely wound up one minute then if a solution is offered he’s very calm and happy within seconds. If I’d just given him money then none of this would have happened, but he needs to learn to stop being an entitled dick and appreciate us.

I’ve tried not cooking or doing laundry for him. I even made a video of how to use these appliances and WhatsApped them to him. He woke me up at 12 a few days ago because he was hungry. I told him he was completely unreasonable and to make a sandwich. He said he wanted a pasty. I said fine, just put it in the microwave, he then found this too difficult and ended up throwing it on the floor. It’s like he’s a four year old.

I don't want to offer any advice. I just wanted to say it's not you it's him. Nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It's a teenage thing & I genuinely think it's something they can't control. Not helpful right now I know, That wonderful person you know is still in there, just overtaken for a while.

This reminds me of a parenting teenagers book I've got: 'Get Out Of My Life But First Take Me And Alex Into Town!

love it!

I read somewhere that teenagers hormones actually make them and their parents repel one another (like the opposite of attraction pheromones) it's so they will fledge the nest and become independent. It made me feel better to think they can't help feeling like they hate us and one day they will look back a realise what little shites they were!

I have an unbearable 13 year old; I'm hoping against hope that he'll improve with age.
He sucks all of the pleasure out of life with his attitude.
I'm aghast, because he wasn't raised to be entitled.

Honestly OP, if my son was behaving like that he wouldn’t get a penny, his washing done or any other perks that come with family living.

I strongly suggest you follow @LtDansleg’s advice. And do not over praise him, that is a big part of the problem, he has an unrealistic view of himself and his place in the family group. With this I am not taking “hierarchies” but “teams”, where everybody has a role to play for things to work well. He is obviously taking the Micky, because he knows he can.

Stand your ground. Hold your nerve. Medicate with wine/gin/chocolate. Whatever gets you through and is legal

It’s hard. Teens are so much more exhausting than toddlers.

Maybe don’t engage so much? He has a hell of a lot of disposable income for his age. If he’s out of money, just sympathise that yeah, it’s frustrating when you’ve spent up. Don’t problem solve like offering alternative sweaters/hoodies or lifts. Sympathetic noises, and leave it at that.

It’s not your job to arrange the world to suit him. Cut yourself some slack, pour a large glass of wine, and remind yourself this too shall pass.

One of mine is out the other side now, and it’s fantastic.

I'm in the middle of the Get Out of My Life book mentioned a few times on here. Your description sounds like it has been literally lifted from the book. It's so funny. I know you don't want parenting tips but reading the book is so reassuring. If it helps my 15 year old is very similar. He flits between being shitty and lovely within nano seconds.

Mine is 18 now but when he was younger I got to the point of just walking away.

At the end of the day, their moods upset us more than they upset them so it’s best just to not engage until they become civilised again.

More recently my DS said to me that he needed washing but “It doesn’t get done.” I very helpfully pointed out that he knows where the washing machine is, and the washing powder, and is perfectly capable of using both, so if he needs washing done then he’s more than welcome to do it.

When he goes off on one I would just tell him that you’ll speak to him when he’s calmed down. Don’t engage. It’s bloody hard, God knows I’ve been there, but he’ll learn soon enough that kicking off won’t get him anywhere.