Just so fed up of this shit

[MagnificentBottom]

I’m done, I just cannot take anymore of my DS 16. He is a nightmare. He has been brought up in a nurturing and supportive environment, has always been encouraged do do his best and received praise and recognition for any achievement no matter how small. He has always been defiant, awkward and difficult.

Now as a teenager he is lazy, entitled and completely takes the piss whenever he can. No matter how I or his Dad respond, nothing ever changes. We’ve taken his TV off him, turned off the WiFi, stopped pocket money etc, nothing makes any difference, in fact when we impose sanctions and put boundaries in place he is worse.

He kicked off this morning because he wanted money to go into town with his mates, I said no, he’d already had his pocket money for the week and spent it. He asked if he could earn some money so I said he could clean my car inside and out for £5. He looked insulted and told me that I was taking the piss and he wouldn’t consider doing anything for less than £10. I said I wasn’t going to pay him anything then and he stormed off slamming doors.

He then had a tantrum because he couldn’t find a particular sweater. I told him to wear a different one, he told me not to be so stupid as my suggestion was apparently a hoodie, not a sweater of course they are completely different. He then found the sweater on the washing line which was wet and proceeded to wear it. It was of course my fault as it wasn’t dry in time.

He then asked me to give him a lift, I asked where he wanted to go. He said ‘I dunno’ at which point I did laugh and say ‘well most people who want a lift at least know their destination’. He went mad saying ‘stop laughing at me’. He then told me that everything in our house is shit.

I said maybe it’s better you went out then. At which point he accused me of not wanting him and ‘kicking him out’ which I wasn’t- I just thought it may be better if he went out for a bit.

He then told me he’s going to live at his gf’s house as apparently her mum is nicer than me.

I’m not looking for parenting tips or even advice. Just maybe wanted to hear from other parents who have / had very difficult teens.

@MorriseysGladioli

I have an unbearable 13 year old; I'm hoping against hope that he'll improve with age. He sucks all of the pleasure out of life with his attitude. I'm aghast, because he wasn't raised to be entitled.

Yep, same

It seems he needs some responsibility if he is unhappy with your laundry services then he should learn to do it himself or pay & take it to the launderette. In two years time he should be responsible enough to look after himself and perhaps have a job.
I'm surprised he cannot figure out the microwave or make a sandwich my 8 year old can do this and make a dinner of spag bol. while I cast an eye over. I think he is just taking the piss and by throwing a tantrum he is getting you to do it for him.
He needs to show some respect and pull his weight and grow up. Being a teenager does not mean you can be moody, disrespectful and still have your way, he won't get far in the workplace with that attitude!

Sounds a little like my son used to be at that age. Now 18. Two things I can think of, not as advice but as a consideration. Cannibis....wanting £10 each time he asked for money. Anything less was insufficient. Also my son is on the spectrum. To most, he seems like everyone else, but if he sets his focus on something, it becomes the only focus. He loses literally everything, and constantly forgets things. He finds confrontation incredibly difficult and genuinely feels hurt by it. Every time he leaves the house, he’s back seconds later for something he’s forgotten, ie, wallet, air pods. Because my son focuses on getting the bus on time ( he won’t wsit at the bus stop for more than a minute) he tends to not be able to think of anything else. He became so focused on being healthy and the gym, even when really poorly with tonsillitis, he felt he absolutely could not miss a day, and I was stopping him from being healthy and therefore did not care about him. I find lunches out and talking through helps sometimes.

Read ‘The Explosive Child’

When my dd is being obnoxious l try and laugh at her. It quite often breaks up the attitude.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Read ‘The Explosive Child’

When my dd is being obnoxious l try and laugh at her. It quite often breaks up the attitude.

Yeah this is true...I just now said something and my ds made a rude, sarcastic comment. I just told him I was expecting that response and well done for not disappointing me!

DS23 nightmare between 15 and 20 (drugs, sectioned, prison) now charming and employed, DD19 horrific between 14 and 16 (drugs, running away, vile best friend) now straight A student and doing Law at Manchester Uni in September - fantastic company and a huge pleasure - currently dealing with DD15 who is hard work - super bright but Body Dysmorphia and non attendance - swings between disgusting and lovely - my oldest two came through it OP - he sounds fairly typical - pick your battles and keep encouraging work, sport etc - nothing ever stays the same - keep the faith 🙏

I could so of written this about my 16yr old dd, she lives with me and my dp, her dad barely sees her as his new wife has plans for him which don't include dd.
But my word can she be vile towards me, she has everything done for her, she has now just left school as gcse year and does nothing at home, i work as a hca with dementia and end of life.
She shouts, throws tantrums, always asking for money at which point i now say no as you need to earn it, even helping out around the house she could earn some, her bedroom lots like the local tip, empty cans, plates, crisp packets everywhere, which i now refuse to tidy. Dirty knickers on the floor and other clothes, which again after years of tidying it i now refuse, this sends her in to an absolute meltdown and aggressive tantrum. Her attitude stinks at the moment, she goes out with her friends whenever she feels like.
My dp is really fed up of the way she is treating me, especially after the last 18 months i have had with my health, my dads diagnosis and a covid outbresk in the care home i work at.
She says she doesn't want to stay here and her dad would wsnt her, i suggested sge go and stay there then, hence him putting every excuse as to why he can't have her. She is so like her dad in temperament and ways, hence why i left him.
But i have got to the point i need a break from her and for her to realise what she has with me and dp and also to realise the value of money and how you have to work for it, nothing is handed to you.
I am now at breaking point and need to know what to do with her. I can't make her dad have her for a bit, he only wants her when he needs a babysitter.
She dosses about, doesn't clear up after herself, only showers when nagged, and you need a hazmat suit to go in her bedroom.

The whole point of parent hood is to prepare your DC for independent and hopefully successful adult life with the social skills and life skills to make it happen. A kind and considerate and helpful partner and dad one day.

So it sounds like he needs alot more practice!

Bartering works well here until being kind and thoughtful becomes automatic. It has to be give and take or they become entitled, misogynistic and spoilt.

Want a lift later? Fine, yes I will after you have cleaned the car outside. Want a lift back again? Ok what kindness will you do in return? Ah, make me a cup of tea? That's great, thank you. And so on.

Don't automatically do things like his laundry but offer to do it in exchange for something you want doing. Likewise, cooking and cleaning.

Eventually, he will know he has to step up before he asks for favours. If you are firm but fair you will get there.

My ds aged 15 now prepares meals for the family, does his own laundry etc using this method after being horrendous aged 14. What works is giving them control and giving them the choice over what jobs they help with to be kind and helpful in exchange.

My DH won't even take my Ds to school unless he's emptied the dishwasher so because it's a non negotiable he does it without arguing.

Good luck op, there is hope!.

Oh dear… well I better enjoy the kids while I can. Around 6 years before teens hit. My brother had a phase that lasted into his late 20s… he is better now though - hasn’t yelled or broken anything in a few years.

Apprentice wages for a 16 year old are just over £4 an hour so I don’t think £5 for a quick car wash is too little at all. Time for a reality check I think. He already seems to have a considerable amount of spending money every week and definitely more than my teens did at 16.
If he wants to wear a wet hoodie that’s up to him. If he wants a lift he asks nicely or it’s a no. It’s not easy but when he’s rude or disrespectful just ignore him until he speaks to you properly, just like you would have when he was little and learning manners.
I work in a shop and don’t accept rudeness or abuse from customers so why would you accept it from a child you gave birth to.

@MagnificentBottom

He definitely suffers with anxiety, he can’t cope at all with situations like if he can’t find something he needs straight away he explodes despite trying to teach him to try and be calm and think logically. I try not to engage with him but I know if I don’t at least appear to try and be helpful it adds to his anxiety and he will end up breaking something.

It’s difficult because it’s like a switch. He’ll be extremely wound up one minute then if a solution is offered he’s very calm and happy within seconds. If I’d just given him money then none of this would have happened, but he needs to learn to stop being an entitled dick and appreciate us.

I’ve tried not cooking or doing laundry for him. I even made a video of how to use these appliances and WhatsApped them to him. He woke me up at 12 a few days ago because he was hungry. I told him he was completely unreasonable and to make a sandwich. He said he wanted a pasty. I said fine, just put it in the microwave, he then found this too difficult and ended up throwing it on the floor. It’s like he’s a four year old.

That’s not anxiety, thats normal teenage behaviour. Stop making excuses for him! Both my children were like this for a couple of years in their teens. I found it best not to engage in their arguments nor react to their insults. They had spending money and at 16 I also paid for their phones plus bought them clothes fairly regularly - not designer stuff, if they wanted that they got the money I would have spent and had to put to it with their own money. I had to bite my tongue on many occasions, but we did row at times too - that never ended well! Now they are both older, they are delightful and I easily forget how much of a nightmare they both were!

I think ages 14-17 are when humans have their lowest level of executive function, it's lower than a 12 year old!

It's down to all the rapid changes in their brain and is well documented.

It's probably the biggest reason why nearly all teens are bloody hard work at this age. They become like young children again but they are huge, have access to money and freedom etc etc.

Teenagers won't think like we do, it's something to do with their brains still developing. I think depending on your teenagers temperament some parents have it easier than othets. I do find boys on the whole not as people pleasing as girls, maybe in later life that's a positive trait, but difficult at this stage.
You sound a really good parent, keep doing what your doing, the tide will turn.

So glad I found this thread. Could have written this about my 16-year-old SD who’s lived with us full time for 6 months. She’s had a tough time and I empathise with that but OMG. So very entitled and so very rude. Her latest thing is doing painting on her bed. She got paint all over her sheets, the bed, the floor and furniture and gave zero shits about it and continues to do it - we’ve now told her that if we catch her again all her craft equipment will be confiscated and she’ll have to ask to do crafting because she can’t be trusted to do it in a sensible place. She’s eats food like I’ve never seen - the crowning glory was when she cracked through an entire 500g block of cheese in three days. DH and I both work from home and she expects us just to drop everything to service her every whim - she ran out of sanitary pads and demanded one of us drive her to town to buy some in the middle of a working day (despite there being two shops within walking distance). My DH can be a bit OTT with his expectations at times and I have to remind him that she is not as bad as a lot of people her age. She does at least work and generally keeps her room tidy (it’s a cycle of it becomes an absolute dump and she then spends an entire day cleaning it up). She wastes her money on absolute crap (she cracked through £800 she got from a benefit payment that was passed across from mum in two months, and gets £70 salary a week) which DH lectured her about for a while - until I pointed out to him that it’s her money and when it runs out and she asks us for more the answer will be no. I know she could be a lot worse but I just cannot bear the lying and denial when she does things wrong, or the thinking saying sorry means it’s all okay and it can never be mentioned again. So annoying! My 13-year-old DS is mystified by it all as he’s mr follow the rules as I like a quiet life (please let him be that rare breed for his entire teenage years!) I know I could have it a lot worse - but the frustration of having to replace the food she’s taken/stand over her while I make her clean up the paint mess all over my floor/getting lied to… Argh!

Yes it’s all very tedious isn’t it. I think with DS he has a fiery personality and coupled with hormones he’s like a volcano eruption one minute then completely non chalant the next.

He got up this morning with a face like slapped arse, so I said you look a bit miserable, everything ok? He replied with a big frown and said he was fine and happy at which point I laughed as his face couldn’t have looked more cross. He then squirted his orange juice carton at me and said I was not to laugh at him - ever.

I told him to leave the room as he obviously wasn’t able to behave and to come back when he was ready to apologise and clean up the orange juice.

He stomped around, slammed a few doors then calmly said he was sorry and can I buy him some clothes!?

Honestly, he’s so ridiculous I can’t help but laugh at him. Although in future I will obviously not laugh so blatantly at him!

Oh gosh op...he sounds exactly like my ds! It's absolutely exhausting and draining....how long does it last for?! This is all new to me...I was a really well behaved teenager...surely I don't deserve this!

@MagnificentBottom

Yes it’s all very tedious isn’t it. I think with DS he has a fiery personality and coupled with hormones he’s like a volcano eruption one minute then completely non chalant the next.

He got up this morning with a face like slapped arse, so I said you look a bit miserable, everything ok? He replied with a big frown and said he was fine and happy at which point I laughed as his face couldn’t have looked more cross. He then squirted his orange juice carton at me and said I was not to laugh at him - ever.

I told him to leave the room as he obviously wasn’t able to behave and to come back when he was ready to apologise and clean up the orange juice.

He stomped around, slammed a few doors then calmly said he was sorry and can I buy him some clothes!?

Honestly, he’s so ridiculous I can’t help but laugh at him. Although in future I will obviously not laugh so blatantly at him!

Sometimes laughter is the only way to go - half the time the drama is over something so ridiculous that it is actually funny. But not to them because they don't find anything funny ever.

We have exactly the same with the slapped arse face followed by I'M FINE STOP ASKING ME. And then about 5 minutes later, 'You didn't ask how my day was.' Ummmm... you told me to stop asking you?

I'm sorry to read about his girlfriend having such low self-esteem, hope she ends the relationship.

Around that age my DS wanted to be more independent - it’s tricky though when they still have to rely on others for a couple more years for lifts. A weekend made a big difference - having responsibility in an environment where you are beginning to see yourself as an adult (and get your own money) was a real positive step forward.

A job would probably be really good for him & help him mature.

Omg I gave mine 2 quid to do the car. Now I feel well stingy lol

weekend job