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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What do you say to a 16yr old who has just told you she is sexually active.

36 replies

feebeecat · 06/07/2021 19:38

Pretty much covered in title - 16yr old dd has just told me she and her boyfriend have started having sex, only a couple of times, only if they both agree and they are using condoms. She told me she didn’t want to lie to me about it. I told her we needed to have a serious conversation about contraception and book GP appointment - she wants to think about that some more.
She’s now gone back upstairs and I want to run and shove my head into the nearest bucket of sand! Think I held it together, but bloody hell, I miss the toddler days
What should I be doing now - this is all very new territory, not something I would ever mention to my mum - even now

OP posts:

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 06/07/2021 19:40

You should be proud. She's told you. That shows you have a good relationship. She sounds sensible. Well done

FindingMeno · 06/07/2021 19:42

Just mention, whether she would like to go to the Dr's herself or if she'd like you to come.
Tell her thank you for telling you.

TaraR2020 · 06/07/2021 19:47

@Skybluepinkgiraffe

You should be proud. She's told you. That shows you have a good relationship. She sounds sensible. Well done

Agreed.

Sounds like you've raised a bright, honest and responsible young lady, you should be proud.

I'd ease off on the heaviness if you don't want to alienate her. She may not want to be forced into other types of contraception- they don't agree with everyone.

She also needs to feel she can come to you without fear of judgement or anger if there's an accident and she needs to morning after pill.

pumpkinpie01 · 06/07/2021 19:51

Just knock on her door and say ' thanks for telling me have you done any reading on contraception?' And take it from there, I wouldn't want my dd relying on condoms

Lampzade · 06/07/2021 19:52

I would say. ‘Thank you for telling me.’ and discuss other contraception

Shelddd · 06/07/2021 19:55

She's 16, it's with her bf, she's using condoms, she told you about it. You won. You may not realize that but you have a winner. That's the best case you can hope for.

I agree you just thank her and like you already mentioned talk about contraception and make an appointment for her if necessary.

Bancha · 06/07/2021 19:55

I can only hope my DD is as open and responsible when she is older.

Just to echo what PP have said regarding contraception - the pill really doesn’t agree with me, it’s awful for my mental health. I started taking it as a teenager and looking back now it really didn’t do me any favours. Many of my friends have found the same. I would bear in mind that it might not be the right thing for her to use hormonal contraception, so I would let her make her own choices and ensure she is informed. She is using condoms which are a perfectly good form of contraception which will also protect her from STDs.

Original poster

feebeecat · 06/07/2021 20:01

Thanks all - I did thank her for telling me.
I think I held it together quite well, just shrieking on the inside. My ‘sensible’ head tells me this was going to happen one day and we just need to deal with it, hold her close, but let her go a little more. It’s just freaked me out a bit - would rather share on here than in front of her.

She mentioned contraceptive implant, but is not too sure. I don’t really want her relying on condoms, although would rather she stuck with them too.
Thanks all ❤️

OP posts:

Shelddd · 06/07/2021 20:08

@feebeecat

Thanks all - I did thank her for telling me. I think I held it together quite well, just shrieking on the inside. My ‘sensible’ head tells me this was going to happen one day and we just need to deal with it, hold her close, but let her go a little more. It’s just freaked me out a bit - would rather share on here than in front of her.

She mentioned contraceptive implant, but is not too sure. I don’t really want her relying on condoms, although would rather she stuck with them too.
Thanks all ❤️

Yeah I agree about not relying on condoms. I know you don't want to think about it but there will always be the occasional impromptu encounter that isn't planned even with a long term bf. They may just skip the condom on occasion so it's good to have something hormonal.

FlyingBattie · 06/07/2021 20:12

It's hard, but feel happy that she felt comfortable enough to come and talk to you.
Keep communication open, and encourage a secondary form of contraception as well as condoms

Rosesareyellow · 06/07/2021 20:30

Sounds like that went perfectly well. It’s great she felt she could share with you and great that you suggested extra contraceptives. Get your head out of the sand bucket

Original poster

feebeecat · 06/07/2021 21:24

Rosesareyellow I am not venturing out of this bucket for foreseeable future - it’s all far too sensible and grown up out there.
He seems like a lovely lad, but how the hell am I supposed to look him in the eye again
I know I will deal with him as I usually do and we will muddle through, but bloody hell, did not see that one coming.
Thank you vipers ❤️

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 06/07/2021 21:28

Thank your stars that she’s mature and confident enough to share this with you.
Then ensure she has a contraception and not reliant on condoms. Encourage to always use condoms of course but doubling up the method is going to be best.
And just encourage her to be true to herself and ensure she’s got well established boundaries and respect in their relationship

Golden2021 · 06/07/2021 21:32

Yeah, and the porn is not real sex chat. No pics or videos of her.

Original poster

feebeecat · 06/07/2021 21:46

Oh crap Golden2021 that’s a good point. She had some issues with ‘friends’ over social media during the first lockdown. We deleted all social media accounts and just told her to stay away from it all, which she has. Must add that reminder to our next ‘chat’.
She said they had talked about their boundaries and how everything had to be consensual - always good to reinforce it though.

OP posts:

Hellocatshome · 06/07/2021 21:50

Tell her thank you for telling you. Let her know all the options for contraception - there will be some good info online as there are loads more options now than there used to be. Let her know she can talk to you at anytime about anything. Pat yourself on the back for raising a sensible young lady.

motogogo · 06/07/2021 21:50

I took my dd to the gp (age 15) as you can't be too careful. Dd is sensible and used condoms too until in a stable relationship.

tarapinn · 06/07/2021 21:58

At 16 yrs old in a sensible long term relationship, I really don't know why you feel the need to stick your head in a bucket of sand

It's normal

Andi2020 · 06/07/2021 23:01

Depending on what country you live 16 is probably legal age in most countries.
Feel good she came to you.
Tell her you are there if she has any questions and if she needs help on choosing contraception.
My dd is coming 18 and got the implant and it has taken a year to settle she was bleeding all the time and went on the pill with it but then started to get sick.
It has settled now.
They can forget to take pills.
It's good you know the boy and honestly you won't even think about them been intimate when you see him .

minipie · 06/07/2021 23:22

Yes I think I would be saying “you can say no to anything if you don’t think you will enjoy it, don’t ever feel bad for saying no, even if you get told everyone is doing x or likes y, you don’t need to say yes to it”.

Eleoura · 06/07/2021 23:31

Other than the GP, instead, you could also look to see if you have a family planning nearby. Sometimes connected to a sexual health clinic. They usually have under 24's clinics, specifically for sexual health and/or family planning. I found they had more knowledge of contraceptive devices and more time to go through the options.

I echo others in that you have done a great job, and she has come to you and told you. well done.

yeOldeTrout · 07/07/2021 16:24

"Don't get pregnant"

"What are you doing to avoid getting pregnant or a disease?"

Mostly Listen.

Original poster

feebeecat · 07/07/2021 19:28

Thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it. It was all just a bit of a shock really and I was feeling a bit out of my depth/lonely yesterday.
We’ve had a long chat and she wants to do more research into contraception before contacting GP. She knows GP, who is lovely and will be happy to discuss it with her.

tarapinn I want to stick my head in the sand as she’s still only 16, yes legal age, but still a child in so many ways. She’s still my “baby” and yes, I know it’s going to happen, but I don’t want to know.
Also, I really do want to know, I want her to be safe and am glad she told me - have always told her she can tell me anything and we will deal with it. Still kinda wanna run away and stick my head in the sand after though

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 07/07/2021 19:58

Worth making sure she knows about the morning after pill, how it's used (e.g taking it sooner than later) and how to get it. Especially if she's relying on condoms.

Bin85 · 07/07/2021 20:00

Just condoms isn't enough.

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