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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Failing at parenting my teenager

36 replies

Camrette · 03/07/2021 12:03

He just pushes and pushes and pushes until I snap.

He talks to us all like shit, really aggressive with younger siblings, never says anything pleasant to or about older sister. I’ve tried ignoring it, gentle reminders and then end up shouting when I have enough of being spoken to like dirt.

I’ve just asked him to turn the PlayStation off because he was smacking the controller into the sofa where he was frustrated with the game. Instead of doing it he started shouting why at me. I said “as I said you’re getting aggressive and I think you need a break”. He carried on playing, asked him again to turn it off “I’m not going to turn it off unless you answer me and give me a reason why” Said to him I e told you why now turn it off. He started shouting at me that I’m making stuff up about him, He’s not being aggressive, it’s my fault he’s annoyed because I’ve told him to turn it off for no reason, he’s always punished for no reason his sister just does what she wants and never gets told off.
I calmly replied that he was asked to take a break due to smacking controller onto sofa, he wasn’t being punished and would be allowed back on after having a break.
Again started shouting at me that I was lying and making stuff up about him. Conversation just went round and round in that vein until I snapped and shouted him to go upstairs and calm down. I try really hard to stay calm but it’s like he just keeps pushing my buttons until I lose it.

A lot of the time it’s like he’s having an argument in his head and not listening to what’s actually being said.

He also gets really aggressive and confrontational “when did I say that? Go on , tell me, when did I say that. I didn’t say that did I? You can’t prove I said that can you? Go on then, tell me when I said that”

Everything is a battle, asking him to set the table for example. It’s a 1 min job but he has to argue over it for 5 minutes first.

I’m exhausted by him and need strategies

OP posts:
Temp023 · 03/07/2021 12:30

I found flicking the fuse box off very useful for that sort of behaviour, then ignore the comeback.. ignore, ignore, ignore!
He is never ever going to say “You know what Mum,I think you’re absolutely right” so arguing with him is futile.

I found “Get out of My life, But first take me and Alex into Town” absolutely invaluable, hopefully it is still in print!

BunnyRuddington · 03/07/2021 18:25

How old is he? Strategies fir a 13 yo are probably a bit different than for a 19 yo.

Original poster
Camrette · 04/07/2021 06:52

Oh sorry I was sure I had posted his age. He’s 13

OP posts:
amylou8 · 04/07/2021 07:32

If it's any consolation DS2 was very similar at this age. I lost count of how many times I switched the WiFi off. He's now a fairly pleasant 20 year old.

0None0 · 04/07/2021 07:34

He needs to know you are the boss. Why is he still in possession of a PlayStation after speaking to you like that?

girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 07:39

I wouldn't be letting him back on the PlayStation for a while if he can't be sensible while he's on it or until he's learnt a bit of respect for you.

CorianderBee · 04/07/2021 07:41

That's very worrying behaviour. I would t want him taking that into a relationship... you have my sympathy. Could you remove the internet as an opt ion entirely?

MissyB1 · 04/07/2021 07:42

Don't get drawn into pointless arguments/ discussions. You state your case once very clearly, then if he doesn't do it the socket is switched off. Later on when he is calm you talk nicely about it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 07:45

I'd take the ps4 away for a week. I'd tell him that was the plan if he didn't turn it off when I told him to.

But I would give him warning first, ie OK at x o'clock the ps4 needs to go off (30 mins away). Then a 10 minute warning. Then if he kicked off the ps4 is out of bounds for 48 hours.

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 07:46

*I'd take it away for a couple of days

Don't argue with him, if he doesn't keep his side of the bargain it goes away. Make sure dh is on side also

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 07:48

Also (sorry!) if he moans and whines ignore as long as he actually does it.

grey12 · 04/07/2021 07:49

I think I would have told him that if he doesn't take good care of his things then he can't have them and threaten to take away the playstation.

I will most definitely not allow my kids to bang and destroy things. My dad wouldn't even allow me to leave my shoes tossed about, they needed to be placed carefully so they don't get damaged. Things need to be treated with respect. And don't think he was a very tough parent, it's just the principle. I don't allow my young kids to throw, for example, their plastic dolls or stuffies on the floor

BunnyRuddington · 04/07/2021 07:51

I agree with the PP. At 13 they need to know that you are his parent and there to guide him.

If he gets aggressive and argues with you over coming off the PS4 there's no more PS4 for the rest of the day at the very least. Even if that means switching the WiFi off for everyone.

My DS starting being like this at around the same age, he soon realised that he's either nice or he doesn't get to play on it.

There also seemed to be a correlation between the amount of time he got to play on it and his temper, the longer he got the worse he became so we encouraged other things during the day at least.

He's a fairly well rounded 17 yo now.

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 07:53

I wouldn't care about the bashing of the controller. Just explain that you can't afford a new one so if he breaks it either he waits for birthday or buys one from own money

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 07:54

Don't switch the WiFi off for everyone! It's not your dds fault!

romdowa · 04/07/2021 07:58

As other pp have said don't get drawn into the arguement. State what you would like him to do and what will happen if he doesn't comply. When he doesn't comply implement the consequences and walk away. If he continues to argue then up the stairs he goes. Only engage him when he is calm.

Ducksurprise · 04/07/2021 08:04

@CorianderBee

That's very worrying behaviour. I would t want him taking that into a relationship... you have my sympathy. Could you remove the internet as an opt ion entirely?
It is not very worrying behaviour, and op doesn't need to be worrying about him getting into a relationship ffs. He is 13, a normal hormonal difficult teenager, who as part of his normal development is pulling away from his parents. Talking about showing him who is boss, making him show respect etc will just inflame the situation.

You need to pick your battles and think about why he is behaving as he is and what you can do to change this (because he doesn't want to change as he isn't the issue in his mind)

So the ps4 controller on the sofa, he was already cross, involved in a game that wasn't going his way, caught up playing and you tell him to stop, his mind is more like a toddlers now a sensory overload and poor impulse control, when you look at it like this it is obvious that things would escalate.
That doesn't give him free reign, and consequences do need working out, but understanding that a least some of his reactions are outside his control makes it all feel slightly less as an attack on you.

Agree with the book pp mentioned, deep breathing and repeating 'this too shall pass'

Original poster
Camrette · 04/07/2021 08:05

It’s quite difficult not to get drawn into an argument when he is spoiling for a fight and will follow me around until I snap. I try so hard to stay calm and not engage but he will keep on and on. I walk away and he’s like “oh so you can’t even be bothered to talk to me, because you know you’re wrong, you know you’ve told me to turn it off for no reason, you can’t tell me why can you because you know you’re wrong” I tell him that that attitude is exactly why it’s being turned off and that it will now be taken away for longer. And he just keeps on and on. Then I shout.

I always follow through on threats and make sure my threats are reasonable. He has been banned so many times but he doesn’t learn anything about his own behaviour from that, it just reinforces his view that we’re terrible parents and treat him badly.

It’s a family PlayStation so can’t remove it completely because that’s punishing 3 other children for his behaviour.

All his friends’ parents love him, they’re always inviting him round and telling me what a lovely boy he is. Same with his teachers and sports coaches. But at home he can be utterly vile (he can be lovely too)

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 08:06

If he's following you around until you snap he's being quite manipulative and aggressive. I'd be putting a stop to that too. Tell him his behaviour is intimidating and you won't stand for it.

Ducksurprise · 04/07/2021 08:08

@girlmom21

If he's following you around until you snap he's being quite manipulative and aggressive. I'd be putting a stop to that too. Tell him his behaviour is intimidating and you won't stand for it.
How?, what do you suggest.
girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 08:09

@Ducksurprise send him to his room if that worked when she made him come off the PlayStation? Refuse to communicate with him until he treats her with a bit of respect? Leave the house?

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 08:09

@girlmom21

If he's following you around until you snap he's being quite manipulative and aggressive. I'd be putting a stop to that too. Tell him his behaviour is intimidating and you won't stand for it.
This. I have a dc who did this as a teen. I talked to them about it when they were calm. With dh.
Original poster
Camrette · 04/07/2021 08:12

Also I should add that when I asked him to turn it off and take a break he had already ended the game he was playing (due to it not going his way). If he’d been in the middle of it I’d have reminded him not to bang the controller and told him to play that game then turn it off. I try to always give them a chance and be fair not just barge in “right turn that off now”

OP posts:
HmmmmmmInteresting · 04/07/2021 08:15

@Camrette

It’s quite difficult not to get drawn into an argument when he is spoiling for a fight and will follow me around until I snap. I try so hard to stay calm and not engage but he will keep on and on. I walk away and he’s like “oh so you can’t even be bothered to talk to me, because you know you’re wrong, you know you’ve told me to turn it off for no reason, you can’t tell me why can you because you know you’re wrong” I tell him that that attitude is exactly why it’s being turned off and that it will now be taken away for longer. And he just keeps on and on. Then I shout.

I always follow through on threats and make sure my threats are reasonable. He has been banned so many times but he doesn’t learn anything about his own behaviour from that, it just reinforces his view that we’re terrible parents and treat him badly.

It’s a family PlayStation so can’t remove it completely because that’s punishing 3 other children for his behaviour.

All his friends’ parents love him, they’re always inviting him round and telling me what a lovely boy he is. Same with his teachers and sports coaches. But at home he can be utterly vile (he can be lovely too)

This is worrying behaviour. If my DC started talking to me like that I would honestly think they had something medically wrong with them. I don't buy into this western narrative that it's just normal teenage behaviour. It isn't.

Is his dad around to help? It shouldn't just fall to you.

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/07/2021 08:16

I like gaming but there's no doubt lots of ps4 can affect their temper