Failing at parenting my teenager

[Camrette]

He just pushes and pushes and pushes until I snap.

He talks to us all like shit, really aggressive with younger siblings, never says anything pleasant to or about older sister. I’ve tried ignoring it, gentle reminders and then end up shouting when I have enough of being spoken to like dirt.

I’ve just asked him to turn the PlayStation off because he was smacking the controller into the sofa where he was frustrated with the game. Instead of doing it he started shouting why at me. I said “as I said you’re getting aggressive and I think you need a break”. He carried on playing, asked him again to turn it off “I’m not going to turn it off unless you answer me and give me a reason why” Said to him I e told you why now turn it off. He started shouting at me that I’m making stuff up about him, He’s not being aggressive, it’s my fault he’s annoyed because I’ve told him to turn it off for no reason, he’s always punished for no reason his sister just does what she wants and never gets told off.
I calmly replied that he was asked to take a break due to smacking controller onto sofa, he wasn’t being punished and would be allowed back on after having a break.
Again started shouting at me that I was lying and making stuff up about him. Conversation just went round and round in that vein until I snapped and shouted him to go upstairs and calm down. I try really hard to stay calm but it’s like he just keeps pushing my buttons until I lose it.

A lot of the time it’s like he’s having an argument in his head and not listening to what’s actually being said.

He also gets really aggressive and confrontational “when did I say that? Go on , tell me, when did I say that. I didn’t say that did I? You can’t prove I said that can you? Go on then, tell me when I said that”

Everything is a battle, asking him to set the table for example. It’s a 1 min job but he has to argue over it for 5 minutes first.

I’m exhausted by him and need strategies

LONG ANSWER: He's getting a pay-off when you snap. It's emotional engagement. It's a release for all the frustrations he accumulates elsewhere. At least he doesn't embarrass you by releasing them around all the people who think he's lovely.

Punishment from you is another pay off that benefits him more than you. It's a habit he has without knowing it, to provoke you.

Short answer: Praise and warm fuzzy the fuck out of him when he's being nice, cooperative, calm, pleasant. Ask his opinion on small things to create opportunities for you to express appreciation of his views and input in a small way (this build social bonds).**

Emotionally disengage completely when he's being a pain. Impose consequences for outrageous behaviour but in a way that has no emotions expressed from you, so it's just a pain to him to do that behaviour. Nothing else.

You're doing well, you just don't know it.

**see why they say parenting teens is like parenting toddlers

Honestly read the ‘get out of my life’ book, I’m only about 20% in so no wisdom for you but it’s really helped me already to understand why my DS is behaving similarly and how I can relate to him better.

He is clearly stressed and anxious. Likely to be his testosterone surge triggering anger. Draw a scale from 1 to 10. 1 is calm, 10 is screaming angrily. Help him to identify physical signs he is getting stressed ie at 2 maybe his chest feels tight. Then teach him strategies to reduce stress ie jogg on spot for 1min.
The key for everything is calm so he is only allowed to start playing PlayStation if he is at level 1 of calmness.
Also - I take power cables rather than a whole PlayStation until my son is calm so he can’t start playing until calm.
Your son has basically lost control of his emotions and is having a tantrum and you won’t be able to reason with him in this state. The trick is to avoid him getting like this.

Don't switch the WiFi off for everyone! It's not your dds fault

It worked for us asDD could make him see what a dick he was being.

Are you me OP?
I can't explain how much I needed to read your post. I know it doesn't help you right now, but it helped me to know that I'm not the only parent dealing with this at the moment. I know for certain I was not like this as a teenager!

You're me too! Life is a constant battle of wills with my 14 year old. Sometimes I come in from dropping him at school and tell my husband how much I'm hating being his parent right now. He does very well at school and sport and is popular with his friends and teachers. I sometime say that he'll struggle in life if he treats people like he treats me, to which the reply is that he's nice to them. That makes it even worse!

Whatever I say is negotiated or pushed back on like a bloody barrister cross-examining the witness for the prosecution. Every little minor thing every single day. It's exhausting and puts me on edge. My older son is so easy and thoughtful that I hate having a fractious atmosphere at home for him. I've taken his phone and tablet away for several weeks as I ran out of other ideas. I feel he's only sorry when he's losing out on something, not sorry that he's upset me. Sometimes he does lovely things for me, makes me something or writes a really sweet letter. But the rest of the time, it's just a soul destroying battle and both my husband and I feel like we have the same conversation with him every single day like Groundhog Day.

Ragged I found your post very thought-provoking and interesting, particularly around punishment almost being a reward for provoking us

This sounds very similar to my 13yo (in just over a week) DD. She's always been a confident, opinionated and outspoken child and now hormones and teenage brain development are kicking in, this is translating to argumentative-ness and near constant cheekiness and push back.

It is hard work, and I've got the added complication of her relaying to her father (my ex husband) how awful I've been to her for implementing X punishment when she's done "absolutely nothing" when she sees him, which stings somewhat considering his parenting history (which I've protected her from).

I certainly don't think it's something to worry about as someone said above, but I have my utmost empathy with you, it's exhausting! I just keep reminding myself that she's at a stage when she is behaving irrationally - and it will pass.

Honestly it's all normal. Problem on here is that you get parents of little ones, horrified by what is being posted who would never allow their child to behave like that (similar to first time parents who say they will never give a dummy/let them watch TV before 5/let them nap anywhere except the cot)
You also get parents that have been through it and looking back with Rose tinted spectacles, I know when I think back over my older children's teenage life I forget how hard it was, bit like you forget how it is with a newborn.
And finally you get some with children who sailed through the teenage years, my first was a complete dream, I smugly congratulated myself on how it was my wonderful parenting, and then DD2 hit teenage years, parented the same but a completely different and exhausting experience.

Now I'm going through it all again, it is easier this time as I've seen my DD pull away and come back as a lovely 20+ year old, I also know that it's not personal.

Ragged I found your post very thought-provoking and interesting, particularly around punishment almost being a reward for provoking us.

Is is a good post and it's worth rewarding up on rewarding behaviour, you'll begin to see it everywhere. I have a colleague who regularly screams at her DH then gets sent flowers which she shows off in the office.

This sounds like my son. x