Summer ideas grumpy 16 year old boy

[doorornottodoor]

Who loves his bed and his laptop.

Had an awful lockdown where he became very insular, wouldn’t see his friends, opted out of school.

Things are much better now but he’s just spent all day relaxing in bed reading/audiobook/YouTube yesterday. We let him as he’d done his DoE the days before.

However I’m scared he’s going to go back downhill this summer without the structure of school.

He’s too young to get a job, we can’t seem to get him work experience as everyone is working from home. He’s gone off sport. He’s refusing to do any organised activity camps, fair enough.

It’s hard to talk to him as he sees it all as a hassle and that I’m getting him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do.

He also refuses to walk/cycle. That left me with sailing and drama camps, both of which he’s enjoyed in the past. I think residential would be good.

Any ideas? We’re happy to travel anywhere in the UK!

He’s not too young to get a job at all. Even if he doesn’t need the money, it’s important to be productive and it’ll teach him skills for his career ahead.

Remember in life with teens to appreciate the problems you don't have.
This.
The list of things he could be doing that were a genuine cause for concern is endless.
He will set the table and do chores when asked to be fair. He’s actually brilliantly funny and great company He sounds like a lovely lad.

As I posted above I did nudge them towards work but generally speaking throughout those school and uni days I took the same view as Patriachy that there was a lifetime of long working hours ahead of them.

I have a teen like this. He is doing the cvs course for two weeks this summer, which should be a good all round thing for him. Would you be able to persuade yours?

@lljkk

Please don’t tell me how amazing all your teens are.... He’s a very difficult teenager.

Please Don't assume that one good aspect (having jobs) means everything is amazing about my teen.

• DS is on track to get mediocre or bad A-levels
• No clue what happens in his life after A-levels, might be a lifetime of menial work (even though he's clever)
• Lacks much social life
• Can communicate very badly
• Soap-dodger
• We and he were socially ostracised when he was a child because other parents (& at least one teacher, told me to my face) that we didn't discipline him properly (details)

But yeah, at least this same kid has got work & is good at holding down jobs. Remember in life with teens to appreciate the problems you don't have.

Very true. I’m just a bit sensitive to how we’ve got in this situation. Sounds like you’ve had a tough time of it. I wish you both well

You are doing a great job, he's just done his DofE and that's a massive accomplishment at the best of times let alone after slogging through the pandemic!!!!

I also have a 16yo who is comfortable doing nothing and has no drive to get a job. Luckily a family member has taken him on part time so we will see how that goes. I framed it as 'they need your help' rather than 'you need to get a job it will be the making of you'.

I think adults know the developmental benefits of that first job, but for teens it can sound like we are saying 'you are not good enough as you are and you need to improve in confidence/communication/ambition'. Which after the end of GCSEs and a school system fixated on testing and scoring/judging them throughout their lives, is probably the last thing they need to hear.

I know how hard it is and I think you sound very supportive. Hopefully an opportunity will present naturally and you can give him that little push at the right time. Maybe there will favours needed from other people, friends of the family maybe so within his comfort zone- walking someone's dog because they are going back to the office, or helping out babysitting younger kids once the main school holidays start.

When he’s been prised off his electronics later I will speak to him.

Thanks for all your support and for not giving me a hard time! ❤️

Could he volunteer at the sailing centre? Ours takes on a couple of young uns to help serve in the very rudimentary cafe, help set up boats and windsurf boards. He could do it a couple of days and also do his start instructor course or next rya course. There is money in coaching....

I think you could start by asking (insisting) on a couple of hours of help round the house each day. After that I'd make suggestions but let him decide. I do insist on mine seeing sunlight every day and taking some exercise and I talk to them about the benefits of this for their mh.

Basically I will tolerate a fair amount of flopping around on their phones but not 24/7.

Thanks all. He helped out when asked yesterday. His grumpiness is really annoying his brothers now and it’s hard to make sure they’re all treated the same.

I mentioned the job to him and I got “mum I don’t need a job and if I did I’d look for one myself”.

I also found a local community centre who are looking for volunteers in the cafe, he’d only need to commit to a few hours a week. This could be a good one as it would give him some experience. I may position it with the CV point as in he’s nothing to write in his CV unlike his big brother who volunteered at the same age.

He’s now reluctant to go on the family holiday. Driving me nuts as I wanted to book a few things for everyone which are numbers dependent. It’s like he holds all the power as he refuses to discuss plans “not now mum”, “when then?” “I don’t know”. But if I get angry at him it goes nowhere constructive.

So he had a few hours electronic free time yesterday (listened to his audio book in the sun) so not exactly active (or strictly screen free but he is dyslexic so prefers audiobooks) but at least outside. Set the table, set the sprinkler up in the garden and watered it, brought down rubbish from his room.

Nowt wrong with audiobooks. I think if you can somehow get him out of his room for a few hours a say he'll be less moody. As for the holiday, I'd say the default is he is coming unless he finds the time to convince you otherwise.

If he really gets unbearable I'd make him pay for his own phone/wife. He'll want a job then. But that's the nuclear option so I'd just go with he's too old to be carried and needs to contribute to his own and family life.

As you mentioned sailing, would diving be of interest to him? It could lead him to spearfishing, and/or instructor qualifications that will allow him to work in exotic far flung locations in future. Short term hobby with a long term goal of funding travel. I have a relative who counted fish in the Bahamas for a research project and another who lead tourist diving trips in Thailand. Both late teens, absolutely loved it.
The costs of kit might end up as an incentive to work if he gets into it.

at paying for his own wife!

It sounds really frustrating, OP. If he won't discuss stuff like the holiday, I agree with the general rule of thumb that you will make the decisions unless he finds time to make his case. Spelling out some minimum expected contributions to family life might also help. E.g. he needs to cook for the family one night per week.

I think you can only encourage the other stuff like work, volunteering or other activities - there isn't any point in trying to force the issue. Would his siblings be of any help in persuading him that he needs to beef up his CV a bit? Or will he not listen to them either.

I think you need to stick to the basics. He must interact respectfully. He must contribute to family life/household chores. He must communicate with you about stuff or accept your decisions if he doesn't. Beyond that, I think I'd let him get on with it.