Summer ideas grumpy 16 year old boy

[doorornottodoor]

Who loves his bed and his laptop.

Had an awful lockdown where he became very insular, wouldn’t see his friends, opted out of school.

Things are much better now but he’s just spent all day relaxing in bed reading/audiobook/YouTube yesterday. We let him as he’d done his DoE the days before.

However I’m scared he’s going to go back downhill this summer without the structure of school.

He’s too young to get a job, we can’t seem to get him work experience as everyone is working from home. He’s gone off sport. He’s refusing to do any organised activity camps, fair enough.

It’s hard to talk to him as he sees it all as a hassle and that I’m getting him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do.

He also refuses to walk/cycle. That left me with sailing and drama camps, both of which he’s enjoyed in the past. I think residential would be good.

Any ideas? We’re happy to travel anywhere in the UK!

I think the way he is behaving is pretty normal for a lazy 16 year old post-lockdown, though annoying and slightly worrying for you. All routines just went out the window. Does he do any chores around the house? Even getting him to do small but daily tasks would be a start, and adopt the firm but broken record approach to asking him to do stuff. I know you're asking more about fun stuff for him to do but honestly I think teens who get in the habit of doing absolutely nothing at all can't even be bothered to come up with leisure activities either. Just getting him to do anything at all would be a start! I've just re-read the book "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town" and it's really helped me to understand the teenage brain again.

@doorornottodoor

He does love fishing

That's a start.

Does he have a friend who also loves fishing? Or at least is willing to come with him and have a go?

At 16 he can do all the cool stuff that under 15s are not allowed - like night fishing.

Does he have all the fishing tackle? Get him out for the day at a local lake. He can take his phone, so it's not like he's without tech.

@doorornottodoor

He just wants to relax! He will definitely not “put himself out there.” If I could find something for him that could be the catalyst for a shift in attitude hopefully. Tricky with our summer holidays though.

I'm sorry but you need to put your foot down with him, he doesn't need all day every day to relax. Tell him he either does activities or gets himself a job

To add my DS was lazy, but once working he was an excellent employee. Ye worked at Next for three years prior to uni and before covid offered seasonal work when he returned in the holidays. So I don't agree they need the drive to seek jobs independently. Sometimes DC need more support than others to get started.

@AlexaShutUp

OP, you haven't messed up. Kids have different levels of energy and drive, and it's a bit of a mystery to me where those qualities come from. Maybe your ds just needs more down time than some.

Do you think he might be depressed? Or is he quite happy just doing his own thing?

Thank you. We did think he was depressed and looked into a counsellor for him. But he seemed loads better since being back in school so didn’t go any further with it. He’s happily chosen his subject choices for next year, had friends over, met friends, done his DoE,...

It’s just the summer is a big stumbling block and I get anxious thinking about all that empty time ahead and the arguments trying to get him off screens/out of bed it takes me back to the dark days in February/March/April.

He’s extremely strong willed and will not be organised! His brothers are very sociable/sporty and I think he’s rebelling against that. Particularly his younger brother who is very good at sport.

If you do go down the job hunting route, don't assume that they need to be advertised first. My dd got her job by walking into a cafe with her CV and asking if they had any vacancies. They asked her to go in for a 3-day trial (paid) and then gave her the job. Most of her friends who do have jobs have done similar. A lot of those places don't bother advertising vacancies because they simply don't need to.

It's a tricky one, OP, because you can't really force him to do anything at that age. I can understand you being worried about him going into a bit of a negative spiral. He sounds quite introverted, so are there constructive things that you could encourage him to do that wouldn't push him too far out of his natural preferences? Some kind of online learning, for example? Some kind of online work or volunteering if such things exist? Or a delivery job which wouldn't require him to interact with lots of people?

@HalzTangz yes definitely! We need to frame it positively as he is 0-60 in 2 seconds! Confrontations do not work with him.

What did work was to insist on a 3 hour electronic free time a day. Seems crazy at 16 but he would stay holed up in his room otherwise. It forced him out and he then interacted with us more positively. At the moment whenever I go and talk to him he hates it as I’m interrupting his video/book so it’s impossible to even have a positive conversation as I’m annoying him before I even open my mouth

Please don’t tell me how amazing all your teens are. It doesn’t help!

you don't want tons of replies from parents of teens who are canoeing up the Amazon or holding down five jobs including volunteering with the homeless!

It's been a tough year to be 15,16,17 and there's still uncertain times ahead. He's done well to complete his DofE so write his bed day off as a well deserved rest.

People keep mentioning jobs because it's giving teens some much needed structure - personally I think Yr11 and 12 have been cut loose too early after so many lockdowns.

Many of the jobs my DD and her friends have got haven't been advertised - they've cobbled together a CV and emailed it or better still taken them in. And it's important he does this alone not with mum. Try garden centres, pubs, takeaways, cafes, restaurants, shops - they're all crying out for cheap labour.

I'd tell him that now he's 16 you expect him to have a part time job, including when he's back at school. Oh and don't worry about booked holidays, the jobs are casual so will accommodate them.

The rest of the time, you're going to have to allow a lot of downtime because at 16 he's got some autonomy plus a lot of time to fill. I wouldn't be tolerating lying in bed day after day - mine has to be up and showered. My house, my rules

I wouldn't be actively looking for organised activities for my 16 year old as she'd just dismiss my ideas but could you get him a couple of months gym membership?

Try to relax a bit, August and return to school will be here soon enough I keep telling myself

Best of luck, OP.

X-posted with your other responses

There are emphatically not loads of jobs everywhere for 15/6 year olds. Gross generalisation! I sympathise op, have a 15 yr old in similar state. I'm actually wondering about trying to limit screens again or make conditional. Mine won't do anything sociable. Could he volunteer at charity shop or foodbank? Cook for family weekly? I think any contribution to wider stuff is good. Residentials - mine won't but PGL do teen and driving ones. I expect he is struggling with lack of structure too. Would love to know if anything works for you.

[quote doorornottodoor]@HalzTangz yes definitely! We need to frame it positively as he is 0-60 in 2 seconds! Confrontations do not work with him.[/quote]
Coul you not pitch the job as, yes you don't need spending money now, why not save it up towards driving lessons or your first car.
If he has a Goal to work towards he's more likely to want to do it.

In the mean time, make him do his share of jobs around the house. Letting him do nothing isn't really a good idea,he will get into the mind set that he can stay in bed all day and still get his food made, washing done etc

@doorornottodoor

What did work was to insist on a 3 hour electronic free time a day. Seems crazy at 16 but he would stay holed up in his room otherwise. It forced him out and he then interacted with us more positively. At the moment whenever I go and talk to him he hates it as I’m interrupting his video/book so it’s impossible to even have a positive conversation as I’m annoying him before I even open my mouth

I think in your position, OP, I would give myself permission to stop worrying about it. Gently encourage your ds to do other stuff - invite, suggest etc. But it won't be the end of the world if he ends up doing nothing all summer. If you take the pressure off, he might find a bit more drive of his own?

You’re all lovely thank you!!! I’ve seen a local restaurant is looking for part time staff so I’ll get him to pop down later.

It’s tempting to throw money at it and send him on an amazing residential week somewhere but actually I know in my heart that a job would be much better for him.

@HalzTangz good advice thanks. He can be very oppositional and because he hides away at the top of the house, he gets away without doing much because we are worn down. But I need to galvanise myself again. He will set the table and do chores when asked to be fair.

It sounds like I don’t like him. He’s actually brilliantly funny and great company.

Sounds like he’s a bit of an introvert. The return to school, whilst great for routine and seeing friends, may have been exhausting for an introvert - suddenly being around people all the time. At 16, time to breathe and have some personal space might be key to his well-being. A few weeks into the holiday he may be ready to engage in something, in his own time. Or he might not…. He’s going back to school next year so routine etc will return then. Maybe give him a break for now? As an introvert who needed time alone to rebalance, my mum’s constant need to organise me, take friends in holiday etc was exhausting and made me feel that there was something wrong with my natural self - like my personal preferences and personality was in some way lacking/didn’t meet her standards. I’d have been so grateful to have had some solo downtime.

@gavisconismyfriend that’s an interesting perspective, thank you.

Mine are adults now but at 16 were exactly the same and they hadn't had to put up with a pandemic. It doesn't mean they are doomed to be lazy adults, mine are now both hardworking and successful in their careers, but at 16 all they wanted was to chill out and game.
MN will always do the one upmanship thing. Whether it's a baby who won't sleep or a teenager who is grumpy.

I presume he's just finished Y 11? This is the first of many very long summer breaks. I agree that a job is a good idea but it's much easier said than done. It depends where you live, very little around here for under 18s and they have to be motivated.

What I did with DS1 was paid him to do jobs aroung the home and his grandmother's that weren't regular chores. So shed painting, jet washing, grass cutting etc.I did throw some money at residentials though they were semi academic. I also encouraged them to look for casual jobs but essentially I didn't push too hard and they had most of the summer free.
It took all summer but eventually both DC managed to get a few hours a week working for Kumon. One got a couple of hours at a takeaway - it cost me more in time and petrol to get him there and back because we have no public transport but I figured it was good for him.

My teen did the same thing last year (and as school finished in March that was 6 months of not very muchness).

I don't think it's worth prescribing as that will e counter productive. We insisted on jobs at home (things like cutting the hedge, painting the garage, cooking once a week ...) so that broke the monotony a lot. If he's sociable, will he not have plans with friends - even if it's just hanging round the park all day at least it's getting him out of the house? Even if he does not much all summer, is that really the end of the world - it's likely to be the last summer that he will be doing nothing!?

Hey OP. In Scotland too with a 16 (almost 17) yo and a 14 yo. Eldest is exactly like many other teens PP have mentioned- on the go/ motivated/ sporty etc but 14 yo is EXACTLY like your DS. He would be on YouTube 24 hours a day if he had the choice (he also wouldn't wash for days, but that's another thread ). The ONE thing he loves is his mountain bike. It gives him freedom/ he's good at it. The fishing sounds like your way in. Encourage this big style- suggest places/ help him organise. Are there places he could get the train to? Give him some independence. DS2 is allowed this summer to get the train with a friend with their bikes to trails. He's loving the idea him planning it, where they'll buy lunch, what time train etc. An idea?

Please don’t tell me how amazing all your teens are.... He’s a very difficult teenager.

Please Don't assume that one good aspect (having jobs) means everything is amazing about my teen.

• DS is on track to get mediocre or bad A-levels
• No clue what happens in his life after A-levels, might be a lifetime of menial work (even though he's clever)
• Lacks much social life
• Can communicate very badly
• Soap-dodger
• We and he were socially ostracised when he was a child because other parents (& at least one teacher, told me to my face) that we didn't discipline him properly (details)

But yeah, at least this same kid has got work & is good at holding down jobs. Remember in life with teens to appreciate the problems you don't have.

A couple of my DCs were like that at that age - and they didn't have the last year of being lockdown behind them, which I imagine has contributed to the current 16 year olds "routine" of staying in gaming etc.

I'm sure a lot of parents would judge me with horror but to be honest I took the view that they have another c50 years of getting up and going to work and if they wanted a summer to do what they wanted (and were happy not earning money) they could crack on with it. In the college holidays coming up they would be doing college work so this is the one summer they could do what they wanted. I myself am very introverted and would love a Summer in bed

They are extremely hard working now, one actually has two jobs and college and another is doing a very demanding uni course. They have plenty of friends, like earning money and going out (perhaps turning 18 and being able to drink helped with that!) so it really hasn't harmed them and now they are doing all that, they appreciate I gave them a break. It's also motivated them as they have the contrast between earning money and being able to spend, rather than not earning.

I also had a couple who weren't nocturnal and lazy and worked for that Summer (receptionist in beauty parlour, supermarket shelf stacking etc) but these days there is so much competition especially as we live in an area where employment has been decimated by lockdown and 8 million people are after those jobs.

They were also nocturnal so I didn't see them that much but the time we spent together was more "quality time" as they weren't dragged out of bed and actually wanted to chat to me. It also prepared us for uni where we wouldn't see each physically as much but still had a close relationship.

So it really didn't do them any harm and I think they actually have a good work ethic nowadays as they actually appreciate earning money and getting job satisfaction and experience.

I did insist on their rooms being a certain level of clean and tidy (aka don't leave every single bowl in the house in your bedroom) and they had allocated chores such as cleaning the bathroom, cutting the grass etc. They also were responsible for the their own meals and clearing up afterwards.

I honestly don't think it harmed them, it certainly didn't harm our relationship and they are all very hard working these days. (I am a very "lax" parent by MN standards but my DC are grown up so I can see the results of my shit parenting and it seems to have worked okay )

My ds is 17 just. You can do ncs. My dd did it a few years ago. It's 2 weeks in the summer. They aren't doing the residential this year. My daughter had to work as a team to fund raise. They didn't make much but she enjoyed it. Not sure ds will but think he's going to try. It's £50.

He is not too young to get a part time job.

However if your son is happy at the moment just loafing around, it's not hurting you. He's an individual and probably likes making the most of his own space.

Don't worry about it, it's a phase and won't last.

I forgot to say, I genuinely would prefer to have a non grumpy chilled teenager surfacing at 3pm and coming to chat to me and show me endless fucking Tik Tok and You Tube videos and offer me a cup of tea when they do their breakfast - rather than forcing a grumpy teen out of bed at 9am and have them sulking in their room and being monosyllabic all day.

(In full disclosure that I don't have wonderful marvellous DC , one of them did get in the habit of fucking texting me from bed instead of coming to talk to me, but we worked through it )