My son’s girlfriend’s mother

[Keeponandon]

As my son was getting older, I always said in passing that I think it’s better to leave girlfriends until after finishing GCSE ETC and have a laugh a fun with friends. Keep life light hearted.

My subtle discouragement hasn’t worked and my who is 14, has told us he had a girlfriend.
I accepted as I didn’t want to create a Romeo and Juliet scenario.

However, as I feared there’s a whole load of drama. My DP said that he thought my son had been crying the other day and I have noticed that he wasn’t having lots of belly laughs with his friends etc. He seemed to have started eating less etc.

He left his phone on the side this morning and i read his messages. I have told him I would fo this if I had concerns.

There are conversation with his girlfriend’s mum on there, that I think are inappropriate. Maybe it’s normal I don’t know? Both talk of concern for his girlfriend’s mental health and getting her a private therapist and one for her sister. She mentions my son and his issues (I don’t know what she is talking about). I am close to my son but he obviously hides things from me. The mother tells my son how much her daughter loves him etc. Apparently my son said to have a break to help her mental health and is now anxious about it. There’s talk of the girlfriend not eating much.

All in all my sons texts to his girlfriend and her mother remakes of anxiety, desperation and codependency. Talk of I don’t know what I’d do without you, eternal love etc etc. The girlfriend sends him one line responses and he sends paragraphs. He even made her an intricate poster type love letter.

I really would love some advice on how to handle this situation, as my son seems to have become unhappy since he’s been in this relationship. I think he is overcome by his strong feelings. I don’t want him to do anything stupid. I’m really worried about him.

reaks not remakes

I don't think I'd be at all happy with my 14 year old getting texts like that from his gf mum. I think I'd contact her and make it clear that you don't consider it appropriate. I think I'd also not be allowing him to spend too much time at their house - it sounds like he is being put under pressure or responsibility for his gf wellbeing, which is too much at his age.
I'd encourage gf to spend time in your house rather than hers if they are seeing each other.
Talk to him about whatever issues he has discussed with gf mum. 14 is a very intense age - what he's experiencing might be entirely normal or not, hard to say. But I think I'd encourage some distance and talk to him.

Thank you so much for responding. I am start a new job on Monday and have a lot of pressure on me with various other very challenging things. My son has always been my top priority and trying to juggle all this is worrying me.

I have been encouraging him to go out with his friends. I said I missed hearing him have belly laughs while playing the Xbox ( he even stopped playing this).

I have said his girlfriend is welcome here, but they are a very wealthy family with a massive house and all the trappings; I guess they don’t want to hang out in our small flat. The girlfriend’s mother doesn’t work so can give them lifts and devote lots of time to her daughter. I’m glad that she has access to private therapists with no waiting lists; we don’t have those types of resources unfortunately and it worries me sick.

I have tried talking to him when I sensed there was a problem last week. He mentioned he was upset because he thought his girlfriend was not being herself with him. I told him that in life you have to be very strong as you have no control how other people behave and you had to love yourself with compassion even if other people don’t want to be with you. I even gave him some material to read.

I don’t seem to be getting a clear picture of what is going on. I think my son is being very intense. I did think it was strange that my son had his girlfriend’s mum’s number. She talks of getting his girlfriend’s sister mental health help too, so I’m at a loss to understand it all.

Just because they have more money than you, it doesn't mean they get to set all the terms for how the relationship goes. I think you might need to decide some things for him, rather than let him lead. Regardless of where they prefer to hang out, you are allowed to say no to him being at her house more than you want - he needs time at home with just his family, time to do his homework, time to just chill on his Xbox. It may get be easier for him to negotiate the relationship with his gf if he can say with honesty that he can't go over to hers because his mum has said no. If she wont hang out at yours because your home is smaller then this is something he needs to see is not a good trait. He might want you to set more boundaries, even if he doesn't know that he wants them.
In the end, he is your child and you get to decide where he goes and what he does. Better to do this before he gets older. At this age he can't have total freedom, what he thinks he wants to do must be balanced by the other things he needs.
I would put a stop to his gf mum texting him though - his gf mental health is for her parents to deal with and it's too much to make him feel responsible for any of it. The mum is likely doing what she thinks is best for her child but that isn't necessarily in your child's best interests.
Best of luck - the teen years are hard x

Also be careful not to openly criticise the gf or the mum. You have to be subtle because you don't want him deflecting blame for his unhappiness onto you. Depending on the gf mum, she might also put the blame on you if she thinks her child is benefiting from things staying as they are.
My view is a bit coloured by my experience with my son's gf mum who was inclined to do this. I was lucky that DS was older and able to see through her. Not saying your son's gf mum is like this but you do have to be careful

Thank you for your advice. Food for thought.

I agree teens are very hard. He works hard at school and is a lovely boy. I just want him happy again xx

Bless him, its too much too soon. Girlfriends and boyfriends at this age should be lighthearted, sweet friendships. I would be speaking to her personally to remind her that he is a child and to direct any concerns to me.

Crossed post.

Yes I think the gf mother said something to my son in the text about her own mental health improving due to the weather.

I feel in the dark about what is going on. The fact that my son is confiding in them about issues is also worrying me, as I don’t know what they are or what he is telling them.

I’m glad your DS could see through things. Thank you for telling me your experience.

Overdueanamechange - yes I agree and this what I tried to encourage when he started with his girlfriend.

Alas he seems to be an intense boy.

I am unsure how to approach the gf mother about this without coming off as rude. I am useless at all this. 😩 Ugh.

Right. You need to put a stop to this shit right now. That mother and her daughter are dumping their emotional burdens on your son.
He cannot fix it for them.
The girlfriend is playing a control game and your son is then having to respond with essays to her about how great she is etc.
They all need a therapist NOT your son.
He has become a 'Rescuer' for the girl and her mother. How friggin dare that woman be discussing her pwn mental health with a kid??
He's 14!! That's emotional abuse.
I'm not sure how you should proceed.... where is your son's Dad in all of this?
Your son has been pulled into an adult parenting role.
It's not his job to parent this girl and her family.
You are an Adult and a parent and the mother of this girl is an adult and a parent.
What is going on that family that they are making your son the 'Man' of their household?? Because that is what's going on here.
It's not your son's job to fix them. You need to get that across to him.
He didn't cause it and he cannot fix it.
Maybe you need to speak to that woman and find out what the fxxk is going on her?

It’s massively concerning the mum is texting your son, in fact it’s creepy and if the sexes were reversed you would be being advised to let the police know!

Your son is not responsible for their happiness.

Your son is 14, he's a child. You are his parent, you put a stop to this. This is not healthy, the mother is off her head and you need to speak to her immediately before your son ends up needing therapy. Stop being afraid of what to do, this is why children have parents/Guardians, to protect them from people and situations like this.

They are children without the maturity and emotional capacity to deal with this clearly unhealthy relationship.

The girl's mother should not be contacting a 14 year old boy and what appears to be placing her daughter's mental wellbeing on his shoulders.

He is not responsible for this girl. Tell her bloody mother not to contact your son and if there is anything to discuss it should be with you not him.

@sadie9 hits the nail on the head. Similar situation with my 16 yo DS and his girlfriend who has mental health issues. When he told me I made it very clear that yes he can be supportive, but her MH is not his responsibility. I said that if he ever felt it was too much to cope with he needed to say. Having experienced similar at the same age and become quite depressed myself as a result, I was keen to emphasise that it’s her parents responsibility to look after her. You need to speak to the mother and tell her she’s inappropriate and he’s 14 FFS! They can clearly afford therapy. Maybe have a similar discussion with him?

I agree Sadie9 and Maybe

Woops pressed send too early

The ‘rescuer’ is what I thought too.

His dad did not want him having girlfriends either and said it will all end in tears. He asked him why he was crying the other day but he lies and says he wasn’t. He shuts down and gets annoyed if you keep saying what’s wrong, you don’t seem yourself.

The thing is it must be something about my son. He seems to attract emotional vampire girls. I have told him before about not feeling responsible for others issues.

He seems so desperate and anxious in these texts it reflects a deep insecurity in him too. It made me so upset to read. That’s why I can’t make out who the problem is.

I told him I wanted to talk to him when he gets home from school and now he is seemed worried. He is kind of pretending everything is ok because he is worried that I am going to say he can’t see her anymore.

Any advice on what to say to him?

I would probably say that you are concerned about him and feel that he is being put under a lot of pressure. That you don't think it's fair or right for gf mum to be contacting him in this way and that although you like his gf and want her to be supported, this situation isn't healthy and on future you want the gf to visit at your home and not every day.
I would contact the gf mum today and tell her that I wasn't happy with her texting my son or discussing mental health with him - anything she wants to say can go through you.
Block her number from your son's phone.

I think that mostly you just need to keep your DS out of her vicinity, which you can do if you set some boundaries

Why not hold him by the shoulders, look him straight in the eye and say "I'm here for you, any time, day or night if you want to talk, you can tell me anything". Then hug him.

He's too young to take this on. Look at the thousands of posts here where married people are under huge stress and ending up on medications and therapies because the other person has mental health issues. These are grown adults who have life experience, your child is a child. He should be enjoying life not taking this on.

You really need to nip this in the bud, I don't think you realise how wrong this mother is. She is a disgrace and if anyone treated any of mine like this I'd be knocking on their door.

I’m just worried my son is as mentally ill as his girlfriend. The insecurity in his texts are palpable. Really upset me. What if my son is the problem?

I just hope my son will open up to me this time.

I have been worried about how to handle it to avoid the forbidden love effect. But I am definitely blocking the gf mum number and telling him it’s inappropriate.

So I don’t want it to seem that it is all this family. Like I said it’s hard to discern what is going on.

I have never even met his girlfriend.

You have to change that - bring everything back under your roof. The more you post, the more urgent this is looking. Because he is 14 this will be more straightforward than if he was 16 or 17, so if you act now, you can get back on top of this. Your son might be struggling not because of his mental health but because of the pressure of dealing with the gf.
Once he is back home properly, he might talk to you a bit more, especially if you are strong and take control of the situation and let him know you are here.

You have bever met the GF and yet your son is spending a lot of time with her and her family is a concern.

I get the feeling that teenage angst has hit all of a sudden and you are unprepared for how to deal with it. I agree that you don't want a forbidden love scenario, and yet you are still in charge here.
Time for a long and honest chat with DS about what you have found, what is worrying you and what is unacceptable behaviour from GF mum.
You might be surprised, he might be relieved that you know, might want you to rescue him.
I would put a social media ban on at keast over the weekend.
You have the mother's phone number so once you've spoken to him you need to brace yourself and ring her.

I meant a social media ban at least over the weekend. So no texts or messages until you decide what happens next.