My son’s girlfriend’s mother

[Keeponandon]

As my son was getting older, I always said in passing that I think it’s better to leave girlfriends until after finishing GCSE ETC and have a laugh a fun with friends. Keep life light hearted.

My subtle discouragement hasn’t worked and my who is 14, has told us he had a girlfriend.
I accepted as I didn’t want to create a Romeo and Juliet scenario.

However, as I feared there’s a whole load of drama. My DP said that he thought my son had been crying the other day and I have noticed that he wasn’t having lots of belly laughs with his friends etc. He seemed to have started eating less etc.

He left his phone on the side this morning and i read his messages. I have told him I would fo this if I had concerns.

There are conversation with his girlfriend’s mum on there, that I think are inappropriate. Maybe it’s normal I don’t know? Both talk of concern for his girlfriend’s mental health and getting her a private therapist and one for her sister. She mentions my son and his issues (I don’t know what she is talking about). I am close to my son but he obviously hides things from me. The mother tells my son how much her daughter loves him etc. Apparently my son said to have a break to help her mental health and is now anxious about it. There’s talk of the girlfriend not eating much.

All in all my sons texts to his girlfriend and her mother remakes of anxiety, desperation and codependency. Talk of I don’t know what I’d do without you, eternal love etc etc. The girlfriend sends him one line responses and he sends paragraphs. He even made her an intricate poster type love letter.

I really would love some advice on how to handle this situation, as my son seems to have become unhappy since he’s been in this relationship. I think he is overcome by his strong feelings. I don’t want him to do anything stupid. I’m really worried about him.

It is hard to get my son to open up. What if he won’t open up about this?

Should I contact the school and ask for help as they send emails from a mental well-being teacher? It’s just that I had a very chaotic childhood and nobody gave a shit about my mental health. So as an adult I struggle with what to say and how to help; even though I care very deeply.

And thank you to you all so much for all the advice. I was very upset when I read all that this morning.

If your own childhood makes it difficult for you to know what’s best to do then yes, contact NSPCC and school welfare office for advice. I would do that right now, today in your situation.

I'd be shutting this one down quicker than you could say it. And first on my list would be this woman. It's really inappropriate for her to be texting a 14 year old boy in this way. What woman does this? Imagine for a moment if this was dad messaging your 14 year old daughter. It's wrong on many levels and I wouldn't be concerning myself with being polite tbh.

A short, sharp ' please don't text my son again, I don't feel it's appropriate' should do

Next, I'd be working to stop this relationship. He's 14. It's clearly harmful to him so it's time to step in and I'd start with a social media ban for a day or two to just try and recalibrate.

Yes I don’t want him in this relationship. I have been itching for him to get home and I been so worried about how I’m going to manage the fall out of all this.

My new job is a bit of a commute and I’ve gone from full time. I also have another really challenging situation to deal with that involved toxic family members and I feel overwhelmed. My son is my priority and this will impact on these other situations, as I feel unable to handle everything. I feel like I’m breaking down. I am on probation at the job.

I am a teacher and my firm group are this age. It is an intense and confusing time but it’s perfectly normal that he doesn’t tell you everything. The danger is that he starts feeling responsible for her happiness but you need to tread carefully as well. I would contact the mother but not in an accusatory way.

I just looked over some of the messages with the gf mother and a lot of it is my son instigating the conversations with her mother; desperately looking for reassurance from her and professing his love for her daughter.

She does ask about what he thinks about getting therapy for her daughter. like she has for her other daughter. She says that her daughter has said that having her mother and my son to talk to is enough.

I don’t think being accusatory will work, as I don’t know what is going on.

I think my son is relying on this relationship for his happiness too. So he is definitely part of the issue. He says in one text to her mother that the gf is all he has in the world and all he needs to make him happy. So codependent. This isn’t looking good for future relationships. He thinks he’s going to be with her forever he says.

@Keeponandon did you get to speak to your ds

Yes Andi2020 I spoke to him yesterday evening. He did not want to discuss anything at all and told me as much.

He said everything is fine and he doesn’t need to discuss anything.

The good thing was that he was laughing a lot with his friends last night, which he hasn’t done for a while.

I still plan on talking to the mother though.