Teenagers not bothering with my birthday

SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun · 23/06/2021 14:28

Maybe a reminder and a plan from you to get together for it would help? I always plan my own birthday celebrations.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 23/06/2021 14:31

I remind them for weeks and weeks!!

Original poster

justmeisit · 23/06/2021 14:35

@30degreesandmeltinghere ha! I do for their dad's and for my parents too.

I don't know. It's just they are getting older - 19 and 16. Should I need to plan for them to give me a card? I suppose if I really want one. I need to say something to them don't I?

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Viviennemary · 23/06/2021 14:38

It wouldn't bother me that much. I don't make a big effort for adult birthdays so don't expect that much myself. If it bothers you then remind them.

Maggiesgirl · 23/06/2021 14:39

Do they live with you? What about their DF?

If they live with you and csnt even be bothered to say Happy birthday I woukd be very upset.

Did they do anything for Mothers Day?

I certainly would not be making any fuss of DD's birthday. Maybe that way she would be thinking on for next year.

My DH dosnt do birthdays but I always get a card and flowers ( usually moon pig) an i then go buy what I want.

KimmyAndMe · 23/06/2021 14:41

Don’t give them anything for their birthdays. Buy something for yourself instead. If they ask why just tell them you thought nobody was doing birthdays anymore.

If you get nothing next birthday repeat.

Original poster

justmeisit · 23/06/2021 14:45

Hmm interesting. I suppose I think when it's your mum or your child, it's a little more important than just another adult. I did remind them. I gave them cake in fact! They ate it and knew it was my birthday cake but no happy birthday for me. I also met up with ds the day after (he does not live with me) and bought him lunch. I thought I didn't expect much, literally a card or a cup of tea made for me, but it does seem this is a fairly common thing judging by this thread.

Ok I will have to say if it bothers me. They are not horrible kids so probably just wrapped up in their own stuff.

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Original poster

justmeisit · 23/06/2021 14:49

Oh yes one lives with me, the other not. I definitely can't bring myself not to celebrate their birthdays although it's tempting

I am separated from their DF - I remind them about his but haven't financed or overseen present buying for the last 2 or 3 years. Although I will ask if they're doing anything in a chatty way. (Because I'm nosy!). That's how I know about Father's Day. In fact they sent me a photo of the three of them!!

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Marcia1989 · 23/06/2021 14:49

My experience of birthdays as an adult is that if you want a fuss, you have to create it yourself. Remind people in advance, tell them that on your birthday the plan is xy and z. But it sounds like you did this a bit and they didn’t even wish you a happy birthday! Weird, though if it was me I’d have said at the time - have you remembered it’s my birthday? Don’t be afraid to bring it up, they’re of an age where they can start to learn that you have feelings :)

blissfulllife · 23/06/2021 14:51

I always book a meal, teenagers always seem to co operate if foods involved. Then they feel obliged to get a card lol

roobicoobi · 23/06/2021 15:02

One of mine is absolutely brilliant at birthdays and the other is utterly shit. To be fair to the shit one he is autistic and doesn't care for his own birthday never mind anyone else's. We do tend to throw a bit of encouragement his way. This year we have had 4 birthdays and he bought a gift for 2 of them without prompting. We are getting there.

Donotgogentle · 23/06/2021 15:06

I think you should tell them you were upset op. If it matters to you then it matters. Your expectations are reasonable.

Moonface123 · 23/06/2021 15:23

You need to say "l have seen something l would like for my birthday". Your birthday is equally as important as theirs. Be direct. I love gardening so l giv e my two plenty of ideas beforehand.

Mindymomo · 23/06/2021 15:25

My DS who is 25, told me a couple of years ago that he isn’t going to bother with cards, as he sees it a waste of money and said to buy myself something and he would give me the money. I did the first time, I got some shoes and he paid me. Last year, we didn’t do any presents between us all and he’s carrying it on, no presents or cards for birthdays, mothers day or fathers day. He didn’t even say happy fathers day to my DH, who is quite upset. I did get DS a card for his birthday, but when I saw all his cards in the bin, I didn’t bother to give it to him.

campion · 23/06/2021 15:29

@KimmyAndMe

Don’t give them anything for their birthdays. Buy something for yourself instead. If they ask why just tell them you thought nobody was doing birthdays anymore.

If you get nothing next birthday repeat.

Definitely make the point and tell them why.

They can be as self-absorbed as they like but need to know that your birthday 's as important as theirs. And that you need to have it acknowledged by them.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/06/2021 15:35

I know my DDs (20) don't really understand the 'card' culture ... they both believe that in the next 10/20 years or so nobody will be sending Christmas/birthday cards.

However, I do like a pressie and they usually come up with something little.

I'd be a bit hurt too OP.

Aria2015 · 23/06/2021 16:29

I think I'd feel disappointed too. I've always made an effort to remember my mother and siblings birthdays from a fairly young age. I certainly don't think a card and some well wishes are too much to ask! I'd definitely let them know you felt a bit hurt they didn't make any effort. You say they're good kids so hopefully that will enough for them to make more effort next time.

Original poster

justmeisit · 23/06/2021 23:21

Right oh. I've spoken to ds. He had a slightly suspect excuse but he says he has written me a song it's just that he wasn't feeling so great when I saw him- which is true. He has taken on board regarding a card but was waiting til he could get to his favourite card shop in another town. That's ok by me.

Dd is a different story - but yes, I do agree while I can hope they'll be thoughtful enough sometimes they'll come up a bit short and I need to make it clear.

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Ostara212 · 23/06/2021 23:29

@KimmyAndMe

Don’t give them anything for their birthdays. Buy something for yourself instead. If they ask why just tell them you thought nobody was doing birthdays anymore.

If you get nothing next birthday repeat.

I would do this.

You shouldn't have to sort or encourage your own birthday stuff.

If they aren't interested in birthdays then you don't need to do anything for them.

FunTimes2020 · 24/06/2021 23:55

@Mindymomo

My DS who is 25, told me a couple of years ago that he isn’t going to bother with cards, as he sees it a waste of money and said to buy myself something and he would give me the money. I did the first time, I got some shoes and he paid me. Last year, we didn’t do any presents between us all and he’s carrying it on, no presents or cards for birthdays, mothers day or fathers day. He didn’t even say happy fathers day to my DH, who is quite upset. I did get DS a card for his birthday, but when I saw all his cards in the bin, I didn’t bother to give it to him.

Sorry, but he sounds dreadful.

Anordinarymum · 25/06/2021 00:40

@justmeisit

Hi I have (hopefully) name changed for this but I've been here forever. It was my birthday recently and neither of my late teens got me a card or present or wished me happy birthday in person or by phone, or asked if I'd had a nice day. Or made me a coffee. Etc etc! I always celebrate birthdays. My own and other people's. Not so bothered by presents but I love a well picked card.

I have a ds and a dd. My ds genuinely doesn't care about his own, or anyone else's birthday and hasn't for many years. My dd makes a big fuss of her friends and would be devastated if I didn't acknowledge her birthday.

It didn't upset me too much at the time but it's been lingering and is starting to niggle a little. They took their dad out for dinner on Father's Day. Which made me think a bit.

Does this happen to other mums?

It's always the case when you are the one who does everything for everyone and then when it comes down to you they forget. Remembering their father is like a kick in the teeth, but it's not done purposely to hurt you even though it bloody well does

My children are older now and thy always make a real fuss of mother's day and my birthday but when they were younger they did not.

They are so selfish aren't they ? Teenagers. They are a different species after all :)

Original poster

justmeisit · 25/06/2021 07:56

They are so selfish aren't they ? Teenagers. They are a different species after all :)

They are - and yet I used to be one once. I shouldn't be so baffled!

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aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2021 08:42

They ate your birthday cake and didn't even think to say happy birthday then? Yeah, they are being unusually and unacceptably self absorbed. I would definitely address this with them.

cervixuser · 25/06/2021 08:49

I can't believe some of the responses on here - I would be terribly upset if my adult child didn't make any effort at all about my birthday. To not even say happy birthday is very hurtful

Tired453 · 25/06/2021 23:04

My experience of birthdays as an adult is that if you want a fuss, you have to create it yourself.

I have taken this on board both in relation to dcs and husband and ensure that I have arranged to do something etc. I spoil myself at these times.

I didn't get a mother's day card off my eldest (teen) this year and I was upset (very complicated in relation to past trauma and loss which sensitises me to this occasion). She made all sorts of excuses as to why not but I was honestly floored whereas my younger dc brought me breakfast in bed, hand drawn card etc. I don't like to compare dc but the difference was stark. Younger dc also did a drawing for me on Father's Day to ensure I wasn't going to feel left out (teen drew a card for her dad for Father's Day which felt unjust). It is so much the thought that counts. It is hurtful when they don't make the effort.