I posted in gransnet

[GreyhairedWorrier]

and got useful (though limited) replies, so I thought I'd try here too...

My 17 year old son told me few days ago that his 18 year old GF is pregnant and wants to keep the baby. Before we have the "he should have bagged it" comments, they've been a couple for quite a few months, and for most of that time he was "bagging it" - then a few weeks ago I mentioned to him that it was some time snce either his father or I had had to buy condoms for him, did he need anymore? And he said he didn't have to because she'd gone on the Pill. Mysteriously, she's now just about that many weeks gone...

I really don't want to be thinking that she's trapped him but could some teenage girls set my mind at ease? Please? Or mums of teenagers?

Rather than thinking that she trapped him (does that still work anyway? Men can and do just walk away when faced with an unwanted pregnancy) I'd be more inclined to think that she just took it incorrectly. There are any number of reasons it could have failed and isn't 100% effective anyway.

With hindsight maybe they should have continued using condoms as well for extra protection.

It is a huge event but it need only be a disaster if you choose to see it that way.

Btw, I have two teenage daughters but I'm hoping it will be a good few years before they make me a grandma! I'm far too young!!

Argh, I should have said some men can and do walk away. I would hope that most of them face up to their responsibilities. It takes two and all that.

Oh, and FWIW, my son is less than a year old but I'm sure I shall feel the same way as you about any girl he goes out with

I shall shut up now.

Hi GHW my son gave me the same news, almost 12 years ago, he was not quite 17, his ex girlfriend was 15, they had split up before he knew and in fact nobody new till 10 days before DGD was born.

Unfortuatly these things happen, and as somebody else said, it does sound as if she wasn't told how to use the pill properly.

Saying that DGD is the light of her Grandad and I's life

(even if now she is becoming a stroppy almost teenager herself)

hi there, i got pregnant at 18, and there was no thinking that i 'trapped' him - in any case he decided he didn't want to be involved and DS has never seen him. however his parents were wonderful and aupportive - we still see them regularly and DS is now 12. keeping the baby was the best decision of my life and when i met my now DH at 20, we were then a proper family. it was an accident but the best one of my life.

don't know if that helps anyway.
jbr
xxx

Thanks for your replies. I know I'll love the lo when it arrives but I can't help feeling resentful on my son's behalf (I'm not letting it show btw) that he really has been given no choice in this and he's not even fully an adult yet. He's got himself a part-time job to save for baby stuff as well as doing his college stuff and he just looks so tired and stressed all the time, when he should be out having fun.

And of course if she decides she wants him to have nothing to do with the baby (she's obviously hormonal atm but was somewhat tempestuous beforehand) that'll be that. No matter how much he or we want to see the baby, if she says no, there's not much we can do about it without going to court. And that doesn't often help...

Sorry, I'm just really down about this just now.

my dp's dad and mum got pg with his older sister when he was just starting a apprenticship at very large international company..his(father) mother 'showed' she thought their mum had 'trapped' him, even though they went on to have 2 more children(dp being second then another brother), fathers mother eventually 'won' her son round and he left when dp's younger brother was born..30 years on he is back trying to make contact but playing very confusing games..all i can say is try to put you feelings aside your ds and his dg will be all over the place at minute and if you try and help her, you may become clsoe..good luck

Thanks again, SweetSnowflake, I'm kinda trying to put my feelings aside by dumping them here lol! I'm just so fearful about the future, and I know that's stupid and I'm not usually one for worrying, because "it"'ll happen whether I worry about it or not (iyswim), but all the "what if's" keep rolling through my head. What if she decides to dump him? Should I let him "walk away" if she insists, or should I encourage him to fight for access or even custody? What if I allow myself to love this wee soul (and I wll anyway, I know that much) and she decides to cut off access? What if, what if, what if...

Why would there be any reason for her to cut off access? I would try not to worry about that as it's probably an unnecessary concern as although it does happen I don't think it happens THAT often.

My DPs parents think I trapped him (I didn't, the pill failed) and it has created lots of tension. I know you feel this is bad for your son but think how awful it is for the girl. Try and be supportive of them both and the relationship as it won't help anyone if either get wind of your thoughts and concerns. They are both going to finding it hard enough without adding your feelings into the mix.

I know it's not ideal but I'm sure it'll be fine, these things generally have a way of working themselves out especially if everyone involved is as helpful and supportive as possible. I would try and build up a relationship with your son's girlfriend so that worst case scenario if they split up you can still see the child.

I'm 20, full time job earning decent money, own home, been with boyfriend over a year who also has his own home and good full time job and my Mum has still worried herself like crazy about me being pregnant. I know you won't stop worrying but the minute my Mum started being happy and excited I felt like a great big weight had been lifted from me. Her support and positivity has really made all the difference so I would reccommend trying that route if you can.

How long have they been toggether?
i think just trying to 'be there' for her will help enourmously as her arents may not be as undersanding?
at 18 you can be very mature even though still so young, so she may be able to talk rationally, dont put the thoughts into her head about access, she'll think your thinking worst already, although youre perfectly entitled to feel this way..give us the ear ache and be loving granny to the rest of the world

Absolutely! All negative thoughts and worries need to be directed here or to your DH/P or a diary

'She trapped him' - good god woman, what did she do, tie him down and force him to have sex with her. TBH as a former teenage mother, mother of two grown up daughters & a son, plus a grandmother (many, many years ago) I find that attitude totally offensive.

As a former youth worker and young peoples sexual health advice worker - there are other potential scenarios too;

1. It was a genuine accident (I have 2 children that were 'contraceptive' babies)
2. Perhaps he decided that he didn't want to use condoms (as was the case in over 85% of the incidences of teenage pregnancy that occured in our clients)
3. The baby could have been planned by either or by both of them.

Joash, I'm sorry I didn't make myself clearer on this thread - they were using condoms until recently when she told him she'd gone on the Pill, so he stopped using condoms and suddenly, pretty much right away, she's pregnant. I know the Pill can fail, I know my son is devastated and did not plan this baby - so I'm sorry if it offends you but I have reason to think that she planned this all on her own.

I know that might not be the case, but surely you can understand why it might go through my head?

They've been together less than six months and broken up/got back together - both at her instigation - several times in that period.

What is the girlfriends life like? Does she have lots going for her? Is it going to ruin any of her plans?

For most 18 year old girls being pregnant is not a good thing! Also, who would want to trap a 17 yr old boy? What can he offer her?

Surely if she wanted to trap a man into having a baby with her she could have slept with an older man with more money, a house etc.

ClaphamLauren,thanks for your reply. No, she doesn't have a lot going for her. .

Snotty as it sounds (and I'll expect to get flamed for it) from the behaviour of other members of her family their peak ambition is all to have council houses in the same street. There are many broken relationships, half-sibs and so on and she seems to have no serious career plans.

She's a nice enough lassie and frankly more domesticated than I am, but not very academic. A baby will help her up the council-flat ladder and increase her benefits if she ends up a lone parent. Now I know this is far from the ideal way to raised a child - I know how incredibly difficult it can be to make ends meet on benefits, and you only have to look at the number of posts on this board on the topic of depression and so on to see what may lie in wait for her - but she's not looking that far ahead.

As for trapping my son,he's a good-looking lad, bright, with plans for an apprenticeship when he finishes college. He's decent, hardworking and great with small children and on the face of things we're a good bit wealthier (though far from actually wealthy lol). He'd be an excellent husband and father - when he's old enough. Hell, they might even really love each other. [hmmm]

On a slightly more positive note [hmmm] she is good domestically and with little ones - she has enough cousins and so forth to have had plenty practice - and I think she'll probably be as good a mum as anyone else. I just wish it wasn't now.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it anyway. It may be this feeling of powerlessness that's making me cranky, along with a bit of "she's stealing my baby from me".

slaps self round face with wet kipper and goes to work

dont beat yourself up chick, you are allowed to feel whichever way you want, and i can understand you going through these things given what you know that we prob dont(background/lengh of relationship etc)
sit tight, smile, make some right noises and ride it out as best you can..good luck..and Congratulations on becoming a grandma, even if it is sooner than you would have expected

First of all i have got to say i was shocked to read you buy his condoms.He is 17 surely he should buy them himself.
Then you say "I can't help feeling resentful on my son's behalf (I'm not letting it show btw) that he really has been given no choice in this and he's not even fully an adult yet." So he's not a adult but he is grown up enough to have sex.
Sorry but he IS older enough to have sex and he should have used protection,if he didn't want to be a daddy,not just his girlfriend.
How do you know that he didn't say she was on the pill just so he didn't have to tell you she was pregnant straight away.
They may spend the rest of their lives together you never know.So give her a chance,just because you think her family are no good doesn't mean she isn't.
I'm sorry if you don't like what i have wrote.But i got pregnant at 15 and i knew the risks so i'm sure your son did too.I married my babies father and we are still together 22yrs later,no thanks to both sets of parents

Keepdreaming, I see what you're saying but he was using condoms (regardless of who bought them - he's FT student and I figured it was better to make sure he had condoms and didn't try using clingfilm or crisp packets ) until she claimed she was on the pill - maybe she really was, maybe it just didn't work, but my point is, he didn't want to be a daddy and while he was responsible for contraception, he wasn't.

Of course he's old enough to have sex, he's over 16, but equally of course he's not fully an adult, he's not 18 (and won't be when the baby arrives, either). They are an established couple and decisions about contraception - and particularly, becoming pregnant - should be joint. In this case, it looks to me very much as if she has decided unilaterally to become a mother and that's not fair whether the father is 17 or 37.

However, he's accepting his responsibilities like a man, so I have cause to be proud of him for that. You're right, of course, they might spend the rest of their lives together and I shall try to be as supportive to both of them as I can be - that's kinda why I'm bitching about her here, so I don't accidentally bitch to her face (or indeed, his.)

Anyway, thanks all, I'm off to bitch to a girlfriend over lunch...

No advice, GHW, just sympathy.

I can see exactly where you're coming from and would be just as concerned in your shoes.

My ds is 13 & so far showing no interest in girls, but I'll certainly be ramming home the message that he uses a condom whether the girl's on the pill or not.

Hope everything works out in the end.

I do understand where you are coming from, I have an 18 year old son myself. But this situation sounds remarkably similar (almost identical) to what our family has been through in recent years with our youngest daughter.

Our daughter was in FE - about to move onto Uni. She had grown up with money whilst her choice of partner had grown up in care, lived on benefits, no intention of working, sole ambition was to get a council house and continue to live off either my daughters wages or benefits. Family background involved "broken relationships, half-sibs", children being removed and taken into long-term care, etc. When she first got pregnant -they both appeared genuinely 'devastated'. They broke up numerous times initially and got back together at his instigation. He was (at that time) very domesticated but not academic. My daughter was stunning, turned down a modelling career to stay at school and college, was very academic - straight A's all he way throguh school, etc. Whereas he is a scrawny little weed. She had her own money (earnings, savings & trust fund - all gone now). At that time we owned our own large house and had a considerable income.

My point is, our stories seem remarkably similar but whilst, at the time, they both insisted that they were using condoms, the pill, etc - five years later - they have admitted that it was all planned. Within four days of meeting each other, they were planning to have a baby, for her to leave college and go into full time work to support him.

It is possible that your son, especially if you have had a good relationship with him, is likely to be telling you what he thinks you want to hear and it may be some time before you hear the full story. All you can do is support him and even though our situation ended badly - (we have full, permanent residence of our grandson and he will never be returned to his parents care), if you carry on seing this in terms of 'fault' you must focus on both of them. They were both equally responsbile in that they both had sex. Even having lived through our experience, I would still say that I doubt very much, that she has 'trapped' him. These things happen and if you can't get past this part, you won't be able to give them the support that they are going to need without continuing to view her negatively.

Thanks for sharing that Joash, it sounds like you've been through a pretty rough time - and yes, it does seem as though our stories are pretty similar. I'll hope for a better outcome, though.

The good news is I'm now past the point of blaming her - between the support I've had here and a bit of a session this afternoon, I have got it out of my system and no longer feel the need to bitch.

shines halo

Thank you, one and all.

blows kisses

REMEMBER - you can always bitch on here anyway haha

greyhair - it takes at least 5 days to a week for the pill to actually take affect on the body, taking one days worth of pills is not going to protect you. usually you are advised to use condoms for the first week of starting the pill. so maybe they genuinly thought they were 'safe'.

Once again, thank you to everyone who took the time to post on this thread. I am now (honestly) over the "blaming the GF" thing, and I'm even embarrassed that I did.

To the young mums who said they got good support from a maybe-absent dad's parents: how did they do that? I mean in practical terms, and without insulting you/her and everything....

My ds and his GF are still together, but I honestly think it won't last. What's the best way for me to support her, without standing on her toes? I would say I'm a bit out of practise but in truth, this is a totally new situation for me and I'm lost.

i got pregnant when i was seventeen to my husband ,we have been together 26 years now , his mum is an irish catholic -and never apporved of me she treats my dp like crap and believe me he drops everything to help his parents ,i think toget their approval.we got married at eighteen and she refused to come said i was a slag and the baby a bastard, im still married to her son she treatsme like shit never even acknowelges me,in fact she wont even ring him up today to say she remembered,i never recieve a bd card for my fortieth birthday she sent me anti wrinkle cream i think i was meant to be pleased i pretended to b but that is the only present ever in 26 years' my father in law ran her over by accident in church car park and broke her hip ,we were the only ones summonded to hospital to look after her ,she has five kids. she has never been a granny to my kids ,but ghw wot i mean to say is tread carefully things that are said are never forgotten ,and love that little child ,and the love tou get back is priceless, give them support and love, and your son will always remember that xx hope i didnt offend u x ps my dd got pregnant at 19 and i have 3 wonderful grandaughters and a grandsonx