How to ‘make’ them work?

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

So it’s mocks next week for Y10 and Dd hasn’t done enough work them -a couple of hours in total?
Problem is phone largely and the addictive nature of TikTok etc, but if I force her to leave it downstairs or physically take it away she gets so pissed off and says I’m trying to control her etc that she can’t/won’t work. She will do some work if ‘left alone’ but it’s not enough and not consistent imo as she won’t accept any help or advice as I nag, apparently ,

I’m pathetically grateful when she does anything at all in reality.

Any suggestions for how to get her to work ‘without nagging’ and without arguments about the bloody phone…

I think mocks are a good way in themselves to get the kids to self motivate. We did ours months before the actual exams though so a lot of time was there to pull the socks up. This seems very close to the actual exam/assessment (not sure what methods are being used) for any of them to have much room for improvement

My DS in same situation on all fronts. We had less than favourable comments at parents evening recently too. He admitted on the weekend that his phone distracts him from revision which was a massive breakthrough and last night did a few hours with both phone and laptop downstairs. I'm hoping that mocks results will give him the reality check to build on it. No advice OP, but sympathy.
Legotruck there's still a year between mocks and exams.

I tried everything - motivational chats, encouragement, nagging, pleading, anger, confiscating and ban of tech, emailing and talking to teachers.
I think something worked as he’s just finished GCSEs and worked pretty hard for them.
I now have dc2 to replay all this with.

No idea ..... but I remember moaning to an old friend about this and she said, quite rightly, 'you were exactly the same at school yourself' .

I scraped by and got into Uni ... as did my DS.

I would stop nagging and let her face the consequences of her own stupidity, OP.
Failing her mocks, when her friends all pass theirs, will be the wake up call she needs.
Some teenagers are stubborn and rebellious - the more you nag, the less they will do.
DD scraped through one mock that she wasn’t interested in, but the low grade shamed her into working. She got an A in the real thing.

Mine is the same. Had been doing well and has now lost all motivation. I've given up on nagging, hair stroking, bribery and am now as a pp said, hoping cocking up the mocks will be the kick up the arse she needs.

I think mocks you can let them face consequences, but it’s too important to leave them to sort out GCSEs on their own.

In truth, I think setting expectations around working for success should be well established by year ten. They start in primary or prep.

I would agree a realistic programme of work and revision in coming months. What are they wanting to achieve? What is their career aspiration?
That programme should involve two hours a day, every day of working to be rewarded with their phone afterwards. It is done in full view and parental involvement and oversight. Help them learn their text book off by heart and practice past papers.
Can you afford online or face to face tutoring in subjects they find more challenging? We used Alpha tutors for online physics. This provides expertise plus structure and sets goals.

Sounds like she’s setting the rules, not you. You are the parent and part of that is dealing with avoidance techniques from teenagers.

I agree with pps that Y10 mocks are an opportunity for them to see the consequences of not doing enough revision.

I have a ds doing y10 mocks atm and I don't see our role as being to force him to work, or force him to get rid of his tech, rather to support him and help him as much as possible and he has to find his own way.

So I have encouraged him and reminded him and tried to support him as much as possible with how to organise his time etc. I have helped him actually revise - ie sitting with him and going through his revision books and asking him questions. I've chatted with him about his gaming and phone and offered to help him restrict it if it's being a distraction.

Despite all this I don't feel like he's done enough revision!! But he will find that out the hard way with his results and then he can make an informed decision as to how to approach his actual GCSEs.

My overall philosophy is that it's his education and his life and he owns it and needs to work out his own way through. By forcing him I would not be helping him in the long run as he will need to move on to a-levels and degree without his mum making him do it.

You can't. You can have nice chats about the importance of doing one's best.
You can provide study materials (stationary, access to printer, access to internet, revision guides ...).
You can provide snacks and encouragement at regular intervals.
You can't make them work.
DS only started working when he wanted to do it for himself. And that wasn't in Year 10 (which he saw as too far off GCSEs to matter).

I've worked out a revision timetable with my DS - he's put in two subject topics per day and I offer to test him on his knowledge if he wants me to. So far so good, but he's totally fed up with it already

My DD is the same. She drew up a revision chart and then didn't follow it. She has said herself she won't do well in her mocks. I'm hoping it will give her the motivation to study harder over the summer and next year.

Thanks for the responses. I feel overly invested in this but I can’t help myself, and the more I try to ‘chat’ about work, ask about revision, supply books, stationery, flash cards etc, the more she pulls back. I will see what the mocks bring.
Her brother also did nothing towards his mocks or indeed his actual GCSEs but got 9s in every subject bar one. She’s looking at 5s and 6s if she puts in some work. @LemonRoses if she had any idea of what she wanted to do post-school it would help give her direction but she doesn’t, despite being exposed to innumerable opportunities and experiences.

My daughter is exactly the same and will probably do really badly in the mocks. I find it stressful as the school emails the kids and parents with the revision list for every subject and I can't see any possible way if her getting through it all.
I have tried everything but she still doesn't care.

Agree about the massive lists from teachers- even weeks of revision wouldn't be enough! I sometimes have a sense my y10 actually wants me to structure his work so I help with timetable and nagging him to sit down and start. Sometimes they are just defensive out of anxiety and your reassurance helps. Mine refused to engage til this year though.

We are in Scotland so different timing in 'exams'.
My ds totally screwed up his so called mocks/prelims, and I mean failed.
We staged an intervention, met with his head of year as he had two weeks of hardcore study to pull it out the bag.
He only studied at school and after school as he associated home with downtime especially after months of being home gaming excessively during lockdown. This was the compromise and supported by the school.
Anyway I think he might have only gone and done it! He tells me that his teachers have awarded him AAB so far with and we get his other 2 results on Monday.
It is possible to come back after failed mocks. He was embarrassed by failing that it did the trick.

I think at that age you just need to leave them to it, of course let them know if they want help you’re here but you can’t spoon feed it. It’s a good chance for them to take responsibility for themselves and face the consequences if they don’t study. I see it quite often at university, some students have no idea how to motivate/organise themselves because they’ve always had teachers/parents nagging them along.

I know it’s easier said than done though - I can see when DS gets to that age I’ll be stressed. The issue is that, as adults, we see how important these things are, but as teens a lot of kids just don’t see the importance and why they should put a bit of effort in.

I disagree Kanaloa. Better a DC who gets to uni than one who doesn't because you left them to it. There are things you can do. Create a good working atmosphere with the right equipment. Get the revision guides they need. Make sure you have printer ink for the multiple things teachers have sent through. Show interest in the subjects. What are you learning now, oh I remember doing Macbeth, what quotes do you have to learn. Shall I test you in those words for French. Talk about their future with enthusiasm. Book career information sessions for them fir the summer. Show them that they matter. And model a good work ethic yourself. But if you know they're not working, don't wait for them to fail because that damages confidence. Get involved and help them.

I'm in the camp of letting them do it their way for mocks and stepping in afterwards if you need to.

My DS didn't do brilliantly in his mocks, but pulled himself up by 2 grades for the Actual exams, we just helped him organise himself, provided revision books and space to do what he needed with a bit of advice on how to revise effectively. He did the rest himself.

I don't think you can do too much at this stage. When does it stop, after gcse, after A level, after uni? There comes a point where they have to take responsibility for themselves. For us it was taking his gcse's.

My ds is basing hisnstudy on his a level choices and what he needs. So for example, he is quite good at german, and can easily get a good grade in foundation paper, and with study could pass a higher. He did a higher and his mocks were 66%. So he has decided to drop tonthe foundation and I stead study his biology as that's where he needs to focus efforts (doing the triple), if that makes sense? He studied more for the non calculator paper in maths than fornthe calculator paper and studied instead for physics as both were on the same day. So studying, but only the things he needs if that makes sense?
So what I am saying is pick what she needs, not everything, so it doesn't become overwhelming.

@Weedsgalore

Good suggestions but op has already said she has done all these (study support, flash cards etc) and it makes her daughter pull back even further. Yes it’s better a dc gets to uni but then when do you leave them to it? Do you organise everything for their a-levels too? Then their first uni exams? If anything, mock gsce’s is the perfect time to fail, it’s failing in a mock situation where she will have a second chance and be able to pull it back if she wants to.

@Weedsgalore I can guarantee that I’ve tried all the suggestions, and more. Since the lovely primary days ended, when they’d happily sit and write stories, do ‘sums’ for fun, loved going to museums and doing projects etc etc etc, secondary school has beaten any love of learning out of her and many others.

As it turned out, apart from maths which she bombed (3) and is gratefully accepting extra sessions for, it seems the rest were 5s and 6s. She’s now decided that she doesn’t need to do any work really, as she’s passed, and with no effort
I have pointed out that they were told what to study, how to study it, and what to write, for most subjects. ‘Actual’ GCSEs aren’t generally that predictable.

No idea. I never see my year 10 doing revision, and I've more or less given up on nagging her about it. She keeps telling me she has done work but I'm sceptical. I suppose well see how her results come out. I guess if she gets poor marks that might spur her on to do some work next year.....

It just seems sad to me to wash your hands and leave them to it, if they're not doing anything. Like your giving up on them. Hopefully they'll do better than we think.

Teenagers are fragile. I think a parents job is to provide home, food, structure, a listening ear, model good habits, do everything you can to build self esteem, resilience and mental health - but you can't MAKE a teenager learn or revise.

By their very nature they are immature. They are supposed to be. There is no exam you take age 16 that you can't resit later in life if needed. My Y11 worked hard but imo not hard enough. He will get his GCSE results in August and I know he will not have anything like the grades he is capable of. But they are all his own work and he will hopefully get into 6th form and take it from there. More importantly he is much happier than the kids who were micro managed by parents and now on anti depressants. It is a truly impossible balance for a parent.

It doesn't sound like she's going to be able to go to uni if she isn't academic.

Insist she work at maths and English. Explain to her that failing these will mean having to resit them at college whilst her friends go on to do qualifications they want. Plus if she can't getting her a level or btec choices she will end up doing gcse resits. Maybe the prospect of work hard once or repeat a year will motivate her. .

I'd confiscate the phone anyway. Return it for going out of the house only. It's not an inalienable human right. If you dont see good results in the mocks she won't get it back.

Explain that if she is planning on bombing GCSEs shes going to be out of education much sooner so needs to think about what she wants to do to support herself because she isn't sponging off you. Actually spend time with her looking at career options. Would she be any good in beauty?