Pretty sure my 17 year old has ADHD..

[Wordsmith]

I'm fairly sure my 17 year old son has ADHD. The signs have been there since primary school but teachers never really took it seriously. He's now 17 and at FE College hand having real difficulty focusing and dealing with the work. But because he doesn't have a formal diagnosis there's no real support. Getting a diagnosis will take ages but I just want to read up about it first. Does anyone know any good books to read about parenting a teen with ADHD?

My dd is at a further education college diagnosed ASD and ADHD and gets no support, so im not sure a diagnosis would do much good.
Support should be based upon need rather than diagnosis. In dds case support is accessible through an ehcp which she doesnt have as her school were very supportive and it wasn't needed. They do have a disabled student association but they have been as much use as a chocolate teapot despite promising lots of support when she applied.
It may be better waiting until 18 and him getting an adult diagnosis if that is something he wants as the paediatric pathway is very slow.
As for parenting I found therapeutic parenting really useful, it uses natural and rational consequences along with unconditional love and support to try to build neural pathways in tbe brain linking cause and effect. Children with adhd often feel a heightened sense of shame and can be terrified of failure so this parenting approach really suits them.

I can’t offer any advice OP but you certainly have my sympathies 💐 🍷 🍫

@Foobydoo do you have a link or a suggestion of a book for this style of parenting please? I have a DD now 16 tested for dyslexia aged 8 but because she is bright and has developed strategies she has always managed to slip just under the radar at school so she hasn’t received any support either.

She has many traits that fit the autistic profile and some that don’t but parenting her is blooming hard work and her attitude and lack of respect towards me is dreadful.

She would probably benefit from seeing a counsellor as I would say she has low self esteem and identity issues, eating disorders (very picky eater will only eat the same bland beige foods or go without food) and or a hormone imbalance (at the very least). But she won’t hear about seeing a counsellor or a visit to the GP. She finishes school tomorrow so dreading the summer. Although she wants to go to 6th form if she gets the grades.

Her life/world seems totally centred around her best friend to the exclusion of herself, other friends and our family. She may even have a crush or feelings for her BF and I am unsure whether this is mutual or not. She won’t speak to us and largely isolates herself in her room when she is not at school or out with BF. I just hope this doesn’t fall through or she will be even more isolated.

In some ways she really pleasantly surprises me in her ways, behaviours and attitudes but in most cases she is so immature, thoughtless, selfish, unhygienic and never ever apologies or shows any care or affection towards us especially me. This wasn’t always the case but has been the case for about the last three years. Its putting a strain on my marriage, affecting her slightly older brother and as I am menopausal I feel a tearful wreck or snappy angry mother who has failed my daughter can’t help her and can’t get anything right.

Thank you both, that sounds similar re the support you get from college. How do you find they've coped with online learning over the past year? It's been disastrous for my son who finds it hard to concentrate at the best of times. But with a camera off/ mic off approach he can literally register for a class and turn over and go back to sleep.

Online learning is absolutely awful for people with adhd.

Typically for motivation they need things to either be exciting / interesting, or new / novel, or urgent.

My mum managed pretty well with me as a younger child, she knew I was useless on the Monday night but come Thursday night, five minutes before bedtime, I'd work my little arse off to get it done because it was then urgent. There was a deadline (Friday morning).

In the teen years this becomes harder because it's really up to how the individual person sees things as urgent. I had no interest in Art, didn't care if I passed, so nothing could make it urgent and I did the bare minimum to scrape by. History really interested me, there was so much to learn and I aced this and did everything early.

Is your son studying something he has an interest in? That should (imo) be a priority as it really is half the battle. I left high school at 16 and all my education from that point on was something I had a personal interest in.

Re diagnosis: if you're in England have a look at private diagnosis via Right to Choose. AFAIK even adult services can be at least two years, this way could be 6 months or less. Support is non-existent but medication could help him if he has it.

For general life stuff encourage him to use an app with reminders. Time flows differently for a lot of people with adhd. I have a watch that buzzes every 15 minutes just to remind me time is going by. Make sure any task has a real deadline, and expect that he won't even attempt it until just before deadline. He will probably be overly-optimistic about how long things take, how much he can achieve, the outcomes etc.

I don't have any books to rec but the youtube channel "HowToADHD" is really good and informative, especially for understanding how the brain works and the why behind everything. I feel like understanding the why makes things a bit easier to manage.

Baaal this is brilliant, thanks. Sounds exactly like my son. He's focused on becoming a paramedic and is doing a BTec in health & social care as that seemed to be most relevant. But, partly because of the pandemic, it's been completely academic and the day per week he should have been doing as a placement hasn't happened.

He's been a St John Ambulance cadet since he was 12 and loves doing events with them - again, nothing for 14 months. He's done a few sessions volunteering as a vaccine care assistant but the signing on and booking-in system for under-18s is a nightmare!

They had a visit at college by some medics last week and they did lots of practical stuff. He absolutely flew at that and was singled out for praise.

Trouble is most of the course still is classroom based with written assignments which cover all sorts of stuff like legislation etc, which just don't grab him. At least it's mostly face to face.

He also is retaking his maths GCSE as he failed that (no exam last year) and that has been all online, camera off, mic off. I'm pretty sure he'll fail that again.

I've tried a lot of the techniques you mentioned but he only seems to pull his finger out when he's threatened with disciplinary action, ehic happened this week.

The trouble is, the college say they can only provide support with a formal diagnosis and that would take months/years, as you point out.

I'll definitely look into a private diagnosis - we don't have much spare money so I'd need to have an idea of what the cost would be.

I'll check out that YouTube channel, too.

Thanks for the tips!

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs there - I did put them in but they didn't come out!

@Wordsmith

I feel like being a paramedic is a brilliant choice for someone with ADHD. I went into engineering and ended up working in a really fast paced industry where every second day a new "crisis" popped up (you know one of those all hands on deck 'emergency' situations?) and I really excelled in my career and was promoted a lot / in high demand across the business. Not to generalise because everyone is different, but you'll often find that people with ADHD thrive in these types of roles because it really energises them. It's like the stars align with this perfect combination of exciting, new, and urgent.

I have no idea where his head is at, or how much you've spoken about it with him, but it could be a good idea to point all of this out to him if he doesn't already know it? And if he does know it, talk to him about it as much as you can. We can struggle to see consequences, and the carrot isn't always obvious to us (or it doesn't seem real enough or appealing enough to spur us into action)... so you could definitely try hitting home the fact that this career, when he gets there, will be perfect for him. Do everything you can to make it exciting, even if it's a conversation where he's doing the talking and you are just spurring him on.

It probably sounds nuts or like a silly suggestion but I have a few people in my life who do this for me and it is so so helpful. If I want to (for example) redecorate the living room, my mum will come over and we'll look for wallpaper together, I'll tell her all my plans, we'll look on Pinterest, send each other inspo pics. She gets me 'hyped up' and I use that exciting energy to push me into action. I send her photos as I'm doing the work, she probably feigns excitement back to me, but it works. I have a few different people for home stuff and work stuff (who are also interested in those things) so nobody feels like it's a huge burden.

So I'm thinking you could maybe use something like this during the hard slog of the online, academic type classes? Find documentaries (I'm thinking like the hospital equiv of 24 Hours In Police Custody?) and watch them before a deadline or something? You'll know him better than me -- my experience of 17yo boys is being a 17yo girl

I'm thinking there is maybe a reddit forum for paramedics or something like that which could also give him that buzzy feeling? Worth checking too!

I'm sorry about the disciplinary action that was a common theme with me too because often it was the only thing that really worked. College was hard because I'd moved out of my mums, not close enough to classmates for them to help, and the college did nothing. I almost wish they'd give "fake" disciplinaries to students with ADHD (where the student doesn't know they're fake). It would be a blessing in disguise.

I think your best bet is to start the process of diagnosis straight away (and if diagnosed, started on medication).

I know you mentioned money, but if you are in England then Right To Choose makes private diagnosis free. I am quite active on a Reddit ADHD community and most people use Psychiatry UK. You would go to your GP and ask for a referral to them via 'Right To Choose'.

Most GPs are fine with this I think, but it might help to come prepared with a diagnostic questionnaire filled out (google the right one), and information on how GPs make a referral via Right To Choose. This will speed it up if your GP isn't aware of the process.

Sorry I'm not in England so haven't done this myself - but there is a lot of knowledgeable posters on reddit ADHD (or ADHDwomen) if you search any of those terms. I heard Psychiatry UK was very short staffed and backlogged due to the pandemic and there were delays of 2-3 months to start titration with meds, so definitely research what is available online or near to you as you might find a faster way.

If you need anymore advice I'm happy to help, and best of luck with your son and his studies and career. He will get there in his own way, I'm sure you sound like a fantastic mum and he is lucky to have you

Thank you so much! This is all super-helpful. I'll definitely look into all that.

Yes I'm convinced he will make a fantastic paramedic and I keep stressing to him that the maths GCSE and this course are just hurdles he needs to jump to get there. There are a few ways to become a paramedic but the one that's being pushed at the moment (inevitably) is a degree in paramedicine - so more years of study, which would be a nightmare, even though the courses are 50% practical. There are other routes which are harder to get into. But he's doing so much off his own bat - he even found a work experience week with the local ambulance service at the end of year 10 which was amazing, again he knew everything and answered all the questions, because he was energised. Then there's the St John Ambulance and the vaccine volunteering - it's just the college work that's pulling him down.

I'll definitely look into the diagnosis. I know having a 'label' will help him, it's just knowing the best way to go about getting it, so thank you so much for all that information.

GP asap. It's so different to get assessment and help post 18 !

#difficult

Yeah, I think it's about time I got round to doing something.

Parenting books for ADHD aren't great IME because so many of them are outdated or have completely patronising/ridiculous advice.

Start looking at info about ADHD for people who have ADHD, it will help you to understand him better.

The only one that is any good that's actually aimed at parents (but so good I found it useful as someone with ADHD myself) is Russell Barkley - start here!

we paid around £800 for private diagnosis in Scotland about a year ago for my then 15 Yr old. Medication may help with focus for his college work (mine on meds,noticed a big difference in his written work)but agree online learning is dreadful.for those with ADHD. A diagnosis will provide an answer to why he is like that but the challenge is for him himself to learn his own strategies and what works for him to help himself. There's plenty of online information. blogs etc I've read plenty of advice but when I try to pass it on,it falls on deaf ears. Also what works for one person not might work for another.My now 16 yr old hasn't manged to make much progress in that respect....

Thanks for the posts - sorry for the radio silence! I've started the ball rolling by speaking to the GP so fingers crossed.

My 18 year old daughter is very similar! Shows certain traits, an absolute nightmare to parent. ‘Friends’ have been very judgemental of me as a parent and I’m fed up of trying to explain she’s ‘different’ and normal parenting techniques just do not work.

She did a Level 2 in Health and Social care last year and yes, although there are no exams, there’s a hefty amount of written work on topics that just didn’t engage her. (Although she passed, it was hard work trying to keep her up to date with the work as of course it was all online).

She’s now just about to complete (and pass with distinction) the first year of Level 3 Public Services 2 year course) - as she’s decided she wants to join the Police. (There are other students on the course wishing to go down the Paramedic route). She has also failed her Maths 3 times now and has had so much additional tutoring help - it just doesn’t seem to go in.

She has also agreed to go down the adult diagnosis route as CAHMS have been next to useless. The costs halve for a private diagnosis for those over 18 - average cost is around £1,600 as opposed to £3,000 plus for a child. We’re still trying to decide if it’s worth doing… she’s not suddenly going to get ‘better’ as a result of the formal diagnosis.

In essence, I think if they can find something that they’re passionate about, they’ll literally fly.

@draughtywidow she sounds identical to my son. I'm just hoping he manages to get his maths because he needs it for para medicine, whether at uni or the other routes in. I've started the referral/assessment process with his GP and hoping he can get assessed on the NHS under Right To Choose. If not, we'll find the money from somewhere...

i wonder if having a diagnosis would help with college?

oh sorry, in my hurry, i didnt read everything you wrote
get him on the waiting list for help, no matter how long it takes imo

@cozycat1 am on the cahms waiting list in Scotland for my dc, very interested to hear you were able to get a private assessment - do you mind me asking, if you got the medication prescribed as part of the private assessment, does that mean you always have to pay for it or can it ever "transfer" to the NHS? I could afford the assessment but not so much ongoing private prescriptions.

i understand that adults with ADHD dont often take medication

or perhaps my information is outdated since it was a child psychiatrist that told me that, flippantly, so what would he know !

There are a lot of adults who take medication for ADHD

OP I have a thread on here from when I suspected my son had adhd (he does) which may be helpful

Ooh thanks, will hunt it down.

Adults definitely do take medication!
Dh was diagnosed 2 years ago and his medication has been life changing for him.

The waiting list where we live was over 4 years, so we went private out of desperation.
I can thoroughly recommend the Dr we saw if you decide to go down that route op?

@Spring2021 That sounds really hard going.