Dd faking Covid symptoms to avoid school. Help!

[WhoisRebecca]

Looking for advice about my 15 year old dd who has suspected autism. She will do anything she can to avoid school and will frequently complain of illness. She is now able to exploit the situation with Covid 19 and was sent home from school today after misreporting a cough and loss of taste. She is aware of what she needs to say to be sent home and was in perfect health, full of energy and did not cough once. Meanwhile I have had to come home from work, her stepdad can’t have his overnight contact with his children and her brother and sister have lost out on education. We have gone for a test as per the rules and await the result, which I fully expect will be negative. I appreciate school have little choice here, but I am worried dd will do this repeatedly, knowing it is a strategy that will always work. I’m barely keeping my head above water at work as it is. She has no empathy for the effect it has on the household and I know that isn’t her fault, but I feel so angry and frustrated. I haven’t shown my dd how upset I am, I’ve been very calm - but I’m so so fed up.

Just bumping to see if anyone has any thoughts.

I would speak to the school SENCo and explain the situation.

I would try and get to the root cause of her dislike for school. Can she go on a part time basis? Are they supporting her properly?

Little monkey! I have no advice, just sympathy. I'm quite sure that she's not the only teen or child to have pulled this excuse.

They are supporting her. CAMHS are involved, though looking to discharge her soon. She gets an early lunch pass and can spend lessons in a private study area if she wishes. She did absolutely no work at home over lockdown - so part time would be a last resort.

Maybe she needs to isolate from the family until her results come back... As long as her room has no TV etc!
As soon as her results come back get her back into school each and every time.
Is she doing LFTs? Can you flag this up with school and ask them for their suggestions. Maybe they could temp check and LFT her at school. Or LFT her everyday to ensure a positive test is picked up straight away.
What normally happens if she is ill? We used to have to be in bed for the first 24 hours. After that (or evidence of illness!) we were allowed to be elsewhere in the house. Home needs to be unattractive as possible so she would prefer to be at school.
If home ill - no clubs/ friends over/going out .
Would she understand you not being able to spend time with her because you've got to work as you had to come home early?

I could do a LFT every day. She doesn’t go out if she’s isolating so that’s something and I’ll try to make it boring for her until the test comes back tomorrow. She doesn’t have a lot of friends - another story - but we are looking for some hobbies for her that she might enjoy.
She doesn’t react well to being told what to do, with her autism is a need to control, so forcing her to stay in her room all day probably won’t work well. I have told her I expect her to work tomorrow and I’m certainly not running around after her. I’m hoping school will wise up to it after this time - was thinking of emailing them to explain.

I wonder how much discretion school have here, if I let them know of the situation. Surely she can’t repeatedly lie about Covid symptoms?

In theory she can’t repeatedly lie about Covid symptoms, however the school will always have to send her home at the risk of infected other students and causing an outbreak?

You could order lateral flow tests that get the result in 30 mins and ask her to do 2 a week say but then she’s got to do them?

We have some LFT from school, but I don’t think school will accept them if she reports symptoms. It’s such a worry.

I would tell school what is going on and see if they have any suggestions. Tell them that you are happy to carry out an LFT every morning before school if they agree to keep her there! Is it feasible for her to be isolated at school and then have another test when she gets home. It wouldn't have to be for too long. After a couple more times would she see the link?

Yes that’s a good idea - I’ll chat to school. I’ve asked her therapist for advice as well, so she might be able to discuss further with school.

@Bumpinthenight

Maybe she needs to isolate from the family until her results come back... As long as her room has no TV etc! As soon as her results come back get her back into school each and every time. Is she doing LFTs? Can you flag this up with school and ask them for their suggestions. Maybe they could temp check and LFT her at school. Or LFT her everyday to ensure a positive test is picked up straight away. What normally happens if she is ill? We used to have to be in bed for the first 24 hours. After that (or evidence of illness!) we were allowed to be elsewhere in the house. Home needs to be unattractive as possible so she would prefer to be at school. If home ill - no clubs/ friends over/going out . Would she understand you not being able to spend time with her because you've got to work as you had to come home early?

She is struggling. She needs understanding and help, not punishing.

Lft are only for people with no symptoms. Once symptoms are reported you have to get a PCR test. So that wont help you get your daughter into school.

I've no idea how to help you, sorry. Just wanted to clarify the above. Hope you find a resolution soon

I would let her see me upset and realise the impact it has had on the rest of the family.
She would also be told that guidelines state that she should isolate away from the rest of the household, so her bedroom only. No TV or anything.
School will have to keep sending her home so I'd make it as unpleasant as possible.

She can’t really empathise very well, so seeing me upset would just confuse her unfortunately. I have to be factual and calm with her, so hopefully she will understand.

I think you need to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn’t want to go to school? Is she in mainstream? Does she get bullied? Or does she just not like school?

I have 2 teen DD’s with ASD, youngest is 15 and if she doesn’t want to go to school I know somethings seriously wrong, she loves school (sn school) and will even go when feeling unwell, I have had to force her to stay home in the past because she’s clearly unwell. In her primary school she had a few weeks of school refusal which turned out to be a teacher dismissing her ASD and calling her naughty and punishing her for things she couldn’t control 😡.

If your dd is unhappy you need to get the school to work with her to make her happier at school.

As for the faking covid symptoms, I’m sure after a while she will get fed up with having to go for tests? My dd hates having covid tests.

I would let her see me upset and realise the impact it has had on the rest of the family.

It's not about you/OP/the rest of the family.

She is struggling, she needs help, not mind games.

Maybe your daughter feels like she's struggling in school, and knows that either her reasons will be viewed as not serious enough, or she doesn't know how to express her true difficulties with school at the moment. So let's say that she is doing her best, but is genuinely finding it really difficult at school. Covid symptoms must seem like the obvious solution to her immediate problem - it gets her out of school rightnow. Perhaps she's in fight or flight mode, feeling a bit stressed and unsafe? In the next day or so I would chat to her calmly and try to get her to open up. Talk about how unconsciously maybe her brain feels like she had covid symptoms to protect her from attending school. She's that you don't think it's deliberate. Meanwhile explain to the school - she won't be the only one in this position.
Best of luck.

She’s in mainstream. We have regular meetings with school to support her, as well as CAMHS support. She’s no longer a risk, but school is still hard. I haven’t let her see me upset, I’ve been very calm.

My autistic DD, slightly younger, has a lot of anxiety over school, especially if there are any changes or uncertainty in her day. She uses the sore tummy/feel sick, which she could well do be sue anxiety causes that. The covid one though, it's a solid unarguable excuse. There is definitely a deeper reason but your DD might not even be able to put her finger on it exactly.

No I’ve asked her and she’s unsure why. She’s still saying she had a cold today. I’ve booked her into a youth group for children with autism, so she’s got something nice to look forward to. Being punitive doesn’t help with her behaviour usually. These responses have helped me to remain understanding, as I was initially frustrated and annoyed on my own behalf, rather than considering the anxiety that underlies this.

I’ve booked her into a youth group for children with autism, so she’s got something nice to look forward to.

I would probably tackle school before giving her another hill to climb.

I could do a LF test every day if that's possible, could you test her before school and then appeal to her very factual thinking? I.e; you cannot develop symptoms of covid at school because you've tested negative.

I don't know, it sounds difficult. What would happen if you simply couldn't collect her from school? Presumably they'd ask her to isolate in a room at school? It's not ideal, but you can't jeopardise your job over this if it's a frequent occurrence.

She wants to join - her therapist suggested it. Her therapist thinks that friendships and hobbies outside of school will be great for her. I let her decide those things and she’s asked to go.

If school ring me, I have immediately leave my workplace and isolate, because I’m a teacher.