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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd dating at 17

39 replies

Hufflepuff7 · 28/04/2021 18:49

What does everyone think of a 17 year old girl dating a 20 year old? I've asked around about him and spoken to other parents and teens and no one can say bad things about him. She says he treats her well and she definitely seems happier after a tough start to the year. We've had in depth conversations about keeping safe and manipulating behaviour etc so she is aware but dd17 swears he is nothing but kind to her. I have no reason to mistrust her
Dd19 is disgusted and accused me of being a bad mother. She claims everyone she has spoken to agrees with her. What do you all think?

OP posts:
crumble82 · 28/04/2021 18:53

It isn’t a massive age gap and if your daughter is happy and you don’t have any concerns I don’t think you need to worry. Do you think your older DD might be jealous?

Ivy48 · 28/04/2021 18:54

Well it depends is she a mature 17? Or is he an immature 20? People only have an issue because she’s 17, if she was 20 dating a 23 year old there would be no issue. If she’s sensible and knows she can come to you about anything then leave her be. Maybe say you’d like to meet him? I will say I’ve no idea why she needs to be warned about manipulation etc, it’s almost as if you’re waiting for it. Just be open and honest and hopefully all will be ok. It’s not up to others what you and your daughter decide is best. Dd19 is probably jealous or a touch embarrassed by her sister which is why she’s being mean

gingerbiscuit19 · 28/04/2021 18:54

I think it's fine. She's nearly an adult and if you try and stop her it'll make things worse

MadMadMadamMim · 28/04/2021 18:55

I think your older teenage DD needs to grow up quite a lot. Also not sure on why she's asking 'everyone' for their opinion on your qualities as a mother.

Silly little girl. Does she perhaps fancy him herself and is jealous of her sister?

dane8 · 28/04/2021 18:56

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AlmostSummer21 · 28/04/2021 19:36

I was 16, my 20 yo boyfriend was a lovely bloke who treated me well. My parents hated him being older & didn't like him (he was into theatre & music, not rugby & sailing) He made it very clear that whilst he very much wanted to have sex with me, that he wanted to wait until I was sure it was what I wanted to. When we did, it was very much me pushing it. He was understanding about some shit going on in my life & I felt he was the only one who understood me. He put up with me hanging out with my ex boyfriend in the school holidays while he was at work, he got me a job at his work when I wanted to work in the holidays etc. His mum & I got on really well.

I partied with my school friends, went to dinner with hus friends, he was lovely. We ended up being together 10 years, until he decided that actually he really didn't want children. He though he did & had said he did, but realised what he wanted to do with his life (travel to remote places and be heavily involved in theatre) wasn't fair on children & he didn't want to compromise.

I was heart broken, he was heart broken. It was awful, but I wouldn't swap the 10 year relationship I had with him for anything.

Just because he's 20 & she's 17, doesn't mean he's going to be a bad influence in her life.

Your older DD is being ridiculous.

Original poster
Hufflepuff7 · 28/04/2021 21:13

Thanks all. I'm glad it's not me being naive an trusting.
We had the talk about manipulation because they have both witnessed it in a relationship (not mine).
Dd17 is a sensible, mature girl and we're close so I trust her to tell me about personal things.
Dd19 definitely doesn't fancy him and has her own bf who is also 20. This may part of her issue? Also, their relationship is not good and very much off/on. She has had bad experiences with men/boys in the past so again that could be clouding her judgement.
@gingerbiscuit19 I completely agree. I'd rather know where she is going than her lie to me!
@AlmostSummer21 that's such a bittersweet story :_(

What hurts the most is dd19 telling me what a neglectful mother I am when she knows how much I've looked after the both of them through some really difficult times. I suppose mothers are easy to blame? Sad
Thank you all so much for the support. It's really helped :)

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AlmostSummer21 · 28/04/2021 21:38

You're NOT being neglectful.

DD1 obviously has her own issues about it and she's taking it out on you. It's a nasty thing to say, but I'm sure we all said hurtful things as teenagers.

She's 19 she's got a LOT to learn. Tell her what she said was hurtful & ask her if there's something she wants to talk about.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 28/04/2021 21:40

At 17 I certainly wasn't interested in 17 year old boys, I really can't see the issue, would your elder dd prefer her sister dated a 17 year old arsehole?

Original poster
Hufflepuff7 · 28/04/2021 21:45

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints Very true!! I'd rather him be 20 and good to her that 17 and a cheat or something!

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legalseagull · 28/04/2021 21:46

I agree with everyone else. It's not too big of a gap at all. DD1 definitely sounds jealous. Maybe she's jealous that her sister is getting attention of men closer to her age, or she feels in competition with her

Original poster
Hufflepuff7 · 28/04/2021 21:50

@AlmostSummer21 Thank you. I appreciate that.
Unfortunately dd19 is not in the type to admit she is wrong to say something immediately. It could take her a long time to process that she has been hurtful and even then she may not apologise. She certainly does have a lot of growing up to do.

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Original poster
Hufflepuff7 · 28/04/2021 21:53

@legalseagull I have no idea. She would never admit being jealous! She is definitely making the atmosphere very awkward in the house right now :(

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feliciabirthgiver · 28/04/2021 22:19

DD18 is now with boyfriend aged 21, her previous boyfriend of the same age as her was just dreadful to her, so my advice is to judge him on his actions and not his date of birth.

MargotLovedTom1 · 28/04/2021 22:22

I wouldn't think anything of it, tbh.

CorianderBee · 28/04/2021 23:51

Older sisters can be overprotective of younger ones and also dislike them 'encroaching on their turf' in a way. She may see it as DD17 living the same life as her at 19 (older bf, older mates etc) when it's not her time to yet...

My elder sister was similar and hated my boyfriend who was a lad in her year when I was 16.

hugocat · 28/04/2021 23:55

I was 17 when I met my ex husband 20. We were together for 14 years, the age gap is nothing

BackforGood · 29/04/2021 00:01

The only thing I see as being a bit odd in this thread is you doing this :

I've asked around about him and spoken to other parents and teens and no one can say bad things about him

Seriously ???
I've never "investigated" any of my dcs' friends, let alone once they were old enough to have boyfriends / girlfriends. That sort of decision really is up to them.
What, exactly were you planning to do if Mrs Jones from number 42 had heard a rumour about him that you didn't like ? Hmm

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 29/04/2021 00:06

At 16 I had a lovely boyfriend of 20. He was a total gentleman. I chased him, he was a nice kind man and I was his first real girlfriend.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/04/2021 00:06

Nothing wrong with it at all.
Dd and her BF are 19 and 21 and have been together for 4 years, there's only 1 school year between them though and she'll be 20 before he's 22.
I'm assuming similar with your Dd except 2 school years?
No idea what it's got to do with your other daughter either, I'd be putting a stop to that immediately.

girlmama32 · 29/04/2021 00:07

It would depend on how mature she was, technically next year she'll be an adult anyway and her relationships will be none of your business.
I don't see an issue with the age gap though, my younger sister (3 year gap) has a boyfriend who is 2 years older than me and I've never had an issue with it neither has our mum.
If she's happy and he's nice to her then you've nothing to worry about.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 29/04/2021 00:20

To be honest i think it's fairly common. Definitely when i was 17, most of my friends and myself were dating boys aged 19/20/21. 17 year old boys can seem very immature to girls at that age 😂 You've done the right thing talking about manipulation and red flags etc. Hope it works out for them 😊

celebgoss101 · 29/04/2021 00:38

My boyfriend was 21 when I was 17. He had a job and I was at college. He were together 2 years and 18 years later are still mates.

Nearly all my friends back then had boyfriends about that age. Boys our age just weren't mature enough for us.

Original poster
Hufflepuff7 · 30/04/2021 19:21

Thanks everyone. We had another argument last night so dd19 has gone to stay with friends for a couple of days. Hopefully she'll calm down and sort her head out but I'm not holding my breath :(

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Original poster
Hufflepuff7 · 30/04/2021 19:24

@BackforGood I asked around because dd19 said she had heard bad rumours about him so I asked some parents and his peers if they had heard anything and none of them had. It just put my mind at rest.

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