Dd dislikes changes in her body [title edited by MNHQ]

[Leafy2018]

I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I'm at a loss for where to go for advice.

My 13 1/2 year old daughter hates her vagina. She thinks it's disgusting and refuses to use tampons because the thought of touching it or 'putting anything up there' is repulsive. She's said she hates how it looks (it looks totally normal). She does a lot of dance and it's interfering with that now as she's worried about a pad overflowing or showing when she's on her period.

Also, she hates her breasts and says they are too big and everyone else her age has small boobs. Her's are not huge by any means but she is more developed than I was at her age.

How do I help her with these issues? I don't want her to feel so negative about her body.

Thank you for any insight.

Thank you so much for the helpful replies. I'm really grateful to you for all the suggestions. That documentary sounds brilliant. I can try it and see how we get on. I will definitely have a look for positive influences from the dancing world too. I agree it can sometimes be a judgemental and polarised environment.

For what it's worth, my dh is Scandinavian and he's a) incredulous at some of the responses on here and b) sad that, because we live here and not there, our daughters are growing up with this sort of relationship to their bodies. In his home country you shower before swimming, after PE etc with others of the same sex. When we go there we do that and I always feel a bit nervous, then liberated and happy to see women at ease with their bodies in that way. He was also laughing at the idea of some of the people on here seeing what tv programs there are for teenagers there (some of which we have watched online here) - where adults stand naked in front of an audience of schoolchildren (supported by their teachers) and discuss their bodies - children can ask them questions and understand how they feel and how they have overcome their insecurities. Normalising different body types and encouraging acceptance of others is just not as mainstream here and tends to feel a bit forced.

I've mentioned period underwear and swimwear and we will look at that together. It will be a learning curve for me too as I've never even seen a pair of period pants!

Thank you to those who have shown support - I really do appreciate it. If I'd known using the biological word was going to cause such uproar I wouldn't have used it and will be more careful of what title I use in future - it was never supposed to be attention grabbing. It was just saying what the issue was. The title now is a bit misleading but there you go. I do know that weirdos come on here but if you can get off on this then, like my husband said, you can get off on someone talking about wiping their kitchen table!

Thanks so much for all the advice - like a pp said, parenting does not stop at 8. The teenage years are certainly interesting!

Just popping by to recommend the M&S period pants. I bought some for myself (I use a Mooncup but like to have back-up and I hate pads) and I bought some for my DD, aged 15. We’re both very happy with them.

They’ve been a great success for DD- she can wear a pair all day at school without any worries about leaks or having to excuse herself mid-lesson and then change when she gets home.

@Leafy2018
My full apologies for posting what I did, I was wrong.

@waterlego

Just popping by to recommend the M&S period pants. I bought some for myself (I use a Mooncup but like to have back-up and I hate pads) and I bought some for my DD, aged 15. We’re both very happy with them.

They’ve been a great success for DD- she can wear a pair all day at school without any worries about leaks or having to excuse herself mid-lesson and then change when she gets home.

Thank you - I'll definitely look at these. Sound good. I need to educate myself on how you wash them etc - sure it's simply putting them in the machine but I don't know if you have to soak them etc I take it you put them in on their own?

[quote IHaveBrilloHair]@Leafy2018
My full apologies for posting what I did, I was wrong.[/quote]
Thank you @IHaveBrilloHair Apology accepted

I think some of this is dancer related. A good friend was a brilliant ballet dancer (she did audition for Royal Ballet) but puberty and body type was not on her side. She got hips and breasts and felt it didnt make her look like a dancer.

Tampons are hideous - I still remember being 14 and going swimming and school and feeling I needed one and the whole stress involved. I only use them now if I have to when swimming. Period pants (and period swimsuits) are a definite thing to look into and can also be worn with pads as an extra layer. The worry about leaking is real at that (any) age

I lots of girls feel like that during puberty, don't they? I did. I used sleep on my front in the hope it would stop my breasts growing.

You get used to the changes eventually though, particularly as there's not much you can do about it actually there is these days, but let's not go there!

@Leafy2018

Thanks for advice about period pants/swimwear. I'll look into that.

I feel extra concerned about it I think as she had a big cry in the car before dancing about how she feels fat/hates her breasts, how everyone else at dancing is thin. It really shocked me that she felt so strongly about it. She is a beautiful girl and is not overweight whatsoever. I explained that we are all different and develop at different rates. I do try to point out all her positives - not just about looks but about her courage and her creativity. I just want her to be happy.

Glad to hear others felt the same but came out of the other side. I do think like a pp said it's partly to do with feeling as though her body is developing faster than how she feels inside. She is young for her age so I think that's definitely a part of it.

This is so common with dancing/gymnastics/swimming etc lots of sports where your body is scrutinised or you are in a tiny leotard or costume in front of a mirror comparing yourself to other girls. And I’ll admit I found down below repulsive. My mum gave me a mirror so I could see and O remember just being shocked and horrified and never wanting to see it again. And changing for sports in front of other girls who were very different shapes to me was hard too. Lots of girls in sports and dancing are very very thin and really still look like little boys longer than usual due to low body weight (which often stops periods too). For many years, I didn’t know I was comparing myself to girls with eating disorders. I thought I was the odd one out and felt betrayed by my body. It’s horrible, toxic even, but it’s sadly quite normal.

Yes, you are right about this. It is far too common in those circles. Sad that people who have genuine talent feel that their natural bosy shape will dictate their future success - as the pp said was the case with her friend. There are a lot of pushy parents around here too - think managing Instagram accounts for the childen who dance (and get sponsored by dancewear brands) or want their children to be models and start accounts for that. We don't allow Instagram for our daughter as find that total poison for body image. It's funny as I was always really thin at school and flat chested and I'd have done anything to look like our daughter! I know I'm biased but she's stunning and has amazing features. I think there's a lot of nastiness and jealousy that goes on at school at the moment. Girls can be awful!

Leafy: It's funny as I was always really thin at school and flat chested and I'd have done anything to look like our daughter!
........
We always want what we don't have! I was neither thin or fat at her age but I did have a nice bust and was very pleased with that.

Exactly. It's the curly hair/straight hair scenario!

In my earlier post, I inadvertently (or subconsciously on purpose perhaps?) omitted the word 'vagina', and although it still sort of reads okay, it doesn't quite convey what I was trying to say.

It should've read 'I felt the same as your daughter when I was a teenager. I thought there was something wrong with my vagina, and that I was disfigured in some way. I eventually confided in my adult older sister who got hold of some books showing pictures of all different vagina shapes and sizes, and seeing those really helped normalize my own. It wasn't a cure exactly, but it helped a lot.'

But having since read your later post about your daughter being particularly beautiful, another possibility occured to me.

I was considered beautiful too, to the point that the male gaze was seemingly always upon me, but it wasn't something I wanted or really understood. I still felt like a girl and certainly didn't feel beautiful. Many of the men that stared at me were old enough to be my dad (and my dad was an older dad!) and I found it very unsettling and upsetting. And meanwhile my body was changing and my vagina, and breasts, were obviously central, at least sexually, to the woman I was becoming and the unwanted attention I was attracting.

Perhaps it might be worth gently exploring if there is something like this going on for your daughter.

Best of luck Op.

@Mummyoflittledragon could you say which modibodi size is good for 15yo that has hips but wears size 6 underwear? She's 5'4" if that makes a difference.

@roaringmouse

In my earlier post, I inadvertently (or subconsciously on purpose perhaps?) omitted the word 'vagina', and although it still sort of reads okay, it doesn't quite convey what I was trying to say.

It should've read 'I felt the same as your daughter when I was a teenager. I thought there was something wrong with my vagina, and that I was disfigured in some way. I eventually confided in my adult older sister who got hold of some books showing pictures of all different vagina shapes and sizes, and seeing those really helped normalize my own. It wasn't a cure exactly, but it helped a lot.'

But having since read your later post about your daughter being particularly beautiful, another possibility occured to me.

I was considered beautiful too, to the point that the male gaze was seemingly always upon me, but it wasn't something I wanted or really understood. I still felt like a girl and certainly didn't feel beautiful. Many of the men that stared at me were old enough to be my dad (and my dad was an older dad!) and I found it very unsettling and upsetting. And meanwhile my body was changing and my vagina, and breasts, were obviously central, at least sexually, to the woman I was becoming and the unwanted attention I was attracting.

Perhaps it might be worth gently exploring if there is something like this going on for your daughter.

Best of luck Op.

Thank you for that @roaringmouse. I think you could have a point there actually. She has talked about that a few times recently - about how she feels boys and men are looking her up and down as she's walking about. I don't think she is comfortable with that (and why should she be). She is not interested in boys in a romantic sense yet - other than a crush from a tv program she watches - so I don't think it sits well with her. I'll be sure to explore that with her, thank you.

Thank you for clarifying your earlier point also.

[quote LostInTime]@Mummyoflittledragon could you say which modibodi size is good for 15yo that has hips but wears size 6 underwear? She's 5'4" if that makes a difference.[/quote]
Modibodi does a hip / waist calculator. The age 14/16 girls is about a size 10 ladies so that would be far too big. Two age sizes down would be age 10/12 idk if they’d be high enough in the waist. You could buy the age 10/12 and the 12/14 and send the pair back that don’t fit. They need to be relatively snug FYI.

I see modibodi now do teen hipster bikini without the seams going up the back, which is more discreet.

God, I just feel like you can't say anything anymore without someone thinking you are either politically incorrect or causing offence in some way.

No. Those PPs are just mindful that unpleasant people with unsavoury interests lurk among us. Not a bad thing to bear in mind when posting.

YABVU to start yabbering about “political correctness”. Just be careful what you say and how you say it.

I've just seen many unpleasant creepy trolls over the years, so admittedly was suspicious..
Once I realised I was wrong I apologised.

TBF to you @IHaveBrilloHair it’s not just about who writes post and why. It’s also about who reads them and why. So generally being a bit wary is reasonable and actually a good idea. @SmidgenofaPigeon was absolutely correct in what she said, too.

Hi Leafy,
Sorry to hear about your daughter.
My Dd is 18 now, but we had a few turbulent years with her around puberty. She also hated her new body and told me she didn't recognise herself in the mirror.
She actually started to self harm and drop out of lessons; long story...
I'm not suggesting for a minute that the same will happen to you, I just wanted to say that communication is key here. Keep talking about everything. Involve your Dh, your younger daughters. I've talked about things with Dd that would have made my hair curl (before her teen years). Keep her talking, even if it's painful to listen to. Encourage her to confide in other people she can trust. It's a bumpy ride, but you can do this.
Good luck

Thank you @Mummyoflittledragon
I shall have to get the tape measure out tonight.

I don't have experience of them, but I know others who swear by and discuss how there are many options now out there on leotards and dance tops for larger busts that help hold things better, some even with built in support to avoid bra lines. I know some people use these types of dancer tops in daily life as they kinda hold in a bit without risky compression.

OP it’s very normal for girls this age to dislike her body and feel uncomfortable. When my oldest dd was 13/14 she hated discussing periods (she started age 11) and bra buying was a nightmare because she was so uncomfortable about the whole thing and felt she was more developed than her friends.

Now at 19 she talks openly about periods and wears well fitting underwired bras. Seriously I was worried at the time but like lots of things, time and maturity helps.

Don’t make an issue of it, let her choose whatever sanitary protection she wants.