Dd dislikes changes in her body [title edited by MNHQ]

[Leafy2018]

I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I'm at a loss for where to go for advice.

My 13 1/2 year old daughter hates her vagina. She thinks it's disgusting and refuses to use tampons because the thought of touching it or 'putting anything up there' is repulsive. She's said she hates how it looks (it looks totally normal). She does a lot of dance and it's interfering with that now as she's worried about a pad overflowing or showing when she's on her period.

Also, she hates her breasts and says they are too big and everyone else her age has small boobs. Her's are not huge by any means but she is more developed than I was at her age.

How do I help her with these issues? I don't want her to feel so negative about her body.

Thank you for any insight.

I've asked admin to change the title to avoid upsetting anyone else sensitive to those words.

I don't think I'd consider the pill. It's not her periods that she has any issue with so much - it's just that she really doesn't like those parts of her body. Thanks though.

You can also get period swimsuit bottoms - my DD was so relieved when I found them as she had tried tampons for swimming once at a similar age to your DD and didn't like it. She likes them with a long swimsuit top.

As pp said, there are a lot of feelings around these, especially when friends aren't going through the same yet and for some people, there is just more disconnect and discomfort there - DD1 had little issues other than not liking tampons, she read all the puberty books we had on it merrily, my DD2 really dislikes everything to do with the topic.

OP, I was very much the same. I grew out of it in time. I know it must seem worrying but things might change if she’s given some time, space and gets used to the upsides of being a woman. If she’s still like this in her late teens then maybe she will need some help.

I think it's quite normal for teens to find their bodies somewhat repulsive, especially when you're ahead of everyone else. While she's sitting there hating herself, her classmates are eprobably jealous of her boobs.

When she finds periods etc inconvenient enough she'll decide whether or not to try other options. Is she friendly enough with any of the other girls to ask what they use? She won't be the only one with periods.

There isn't much you can do really other than reassure her she's quite normal. She'll come to terms with herself in time.

Period pants are a thing?!

Would have been handy when I was growing up. I fecking HATED tampons. Always felt like they weren't 'in' properly.

A bit unusual for a girl to not like her own 'female' body parts though @Leafy2018

Is she a very feminine 'girly girl?'

Bodyform even make them now as I saw some in tesco yesterday
You get swimwear too

Could some link to period pants please? Never heard of them

@Leafy2018

I've asked admin to change the title to avoid upsetting anyone else sensitive to those words.

I don't think I'd consider the pill. It's not her periods that she has any issue with so much - it's just that she really doesn't like those parts of her body. Thanks though.

I don't think it's that people are sensitive to the words. It's more that there have been pervy trolls on here who write OPs like this in order to get off on the responses.

I'm sorry that people were suspicious of you, as you're clearly legit - but I'm afraid it does happen.

Leafy, a lot of girls of your daughter's age feel as she does about parts of their body. She will outgrow this, honestly.

Period pants and a sports bra would be ideal for exercise and dancing. She can use pads the rest of the time. I don't suppose many thirteen year olds use tampons.

Thanks for advice about period pants/swimwear. I'll look into that.

I feel extra concerned about it I think as she had a big cry in the car before dancing about how she feels fat/hates her breasts, how everyone else at dancing is thin. It really shocked me that she felt so strongly about it. She is a beautiful girl and is not overweight whatsoever. I explained that we are all different and develop at different rates. I do try to point out all her positives - not just about looks but about her courage and her creativity. I just want her to be happy.

Glad to hear others felt the same but came out of the other side. I do think like a pp said it's partly to do with feeling as though her body is developing faster than how she feels inside. She is young for her age so I think that's definitely a part of it.

Sorry OP. I’m not mortally offended at the words but the teenage topic is a magnet for pervs to get off on this very sort of thing.

I was one of the first in my class to start periods; well prepared by my mother so perfectly confident about them. For the first few cycles she provided pads whenever I asked her; then Mum suggested I buy my own, at Boots where they were on a shelf for self service so I didn't have to speak to an assistant. On the Boots shelf I discovered tampax . Bought some; never looked back.

Period pants- lots of brands out there now. Modibodi, Wuka, Cheeky wipes, I think Sainsbury's do an own brand one too.

I don't think it's that people are sensitive to the words. It's more that there have been pervy trolls on here who write OPs like this in order to get off on the responses.

I'm sorry that people were suspicious of you, as you're clearly legit - but I'm afraid it does happen

This, unfortunately there have been many trolls which get a kick out of such things.

Agree with period pants, I wish they had them when I was younger.

@BananasAreEvil

Could some link to period pants please? Never heard of them

I found this on Amazon.

Like you, I am not familiar with them either!

www.amazon.co.uk/INNERSY-Underwear-Incontinence-Leakproof-Mid-Rise/dp/B07V4RGB7K/ref=asc_df_B07V4RGB7K/?hvlocphy&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=o&hvadid&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-4583932705758520&hvrand

@littlepattilou

Period pants are a thing?!

Would have been handy when I was growing up. I fecking HATED tampons. Always felt like they weren't 'in' properly.

A bit unusual for a girl to not like her own 'female' body parts though @Leafy2018

Is she a very feminine 'girly girl?'

I don't think this is unusual at all. I was similar at this age and I went to an all girl's school and plenty of other girls felt the same. It's a difficult time, adolescence, your body changing, especially if you're more developed than most girls your age. I have absolutely no idea what your point is regarding asking OP whether her daughter conforms to feminine gender stereotypes . Not sure what on earth that's got to do with a young teenager feeling uncomfortable at the thought of wearing tampons, which is very common.

Anyway, OP - how does your DD know none of the other girls are wearing sports bras at dance classes anyway? Have you had her fitted for a bra using the reputable 'boob or bust' method? I would recommend Bravissimo for a fitting but not sure if she's likely to be a DD+ or not given her age. I would encourage supporting her to find well fitting, supportive bras. If she doesn't like the size of her breasts perhaps styles with little/no padding etc might appeal as well rather than anything designed for projection.

Loads of girls that age haven't even began their periods yet never mind feeling comfortable wearing a tampon. I think period underwear is a good suggestion, assuming she doesn't have very heavy periods. I use Modibodi and they have a specific teen range too. Maybe have a look with her at them and get her to pick some in different absorbencies and have a go with them. I find them very good and leakproof apart from on my few heaviest days, but I have very heavy periods. Tampons I would just perhaps ensure there are some at home and she knows where they are with the instruction booklet if she wants to give them a go but I wouldn't keep suggesting them if she's clear she doesn't feel comfortable.

@littlepattilou

Period pants are a thing?!

Would have been handy when I was growing up. I fecking HATED tampons. Always felt like they weren't 'in' properly.

A bit unusual for a girl to not like her own 'female' body parts though @Leafy2018

Is she a very feminine 'girly girl?'

This is my worry - I get that she doesn't like the idea of tampons - that's inconvenient for her but fine by me. It's that she uses words like 'disgusting'. She is a bit squeamish so I think that's part of it too.

She is very feminine - loves make up (what I let her wear!) and fashion, dancing. I'm not remotely concerned about her in terms of her feeling secure in that way.

I understand the worries about my post re pervs. I'll ask admin to delete shortly as don't want that of course. But I still believe you should be able to ask for advice on these things. Agree title was misjudged.

Modibodi do swim pants and period underwear in teen and adult ranges. The teen pants won’t be suitable for dancing as the seams go up the back but are good for night time wear. The adult woman seamless are pretty discreet and come in beige or black depending on the colour or your dd’s dancewear. The teen and ladies swimwear is currently half price. The largest teen swimsuit comes up quite small. You can buy, try and return. Check out the 10% off or promotional codes.

Looks like M&S sell them

I was like this. Ended up skipping school on Sports days in primary as they insisted we shower naked ( this was forty years ago).the shame and torture is still with me. My very developed body and all the classmates still pre pubescent
I hated my body. Was repulsed by it

Eventually I got used to it. Cant say I’ve ever liked it or been at ease with my body. But was Easier when my class mates caught up and moved to more sensible secondary school rules about changing. Never stripped off or change in public though apart from Partners and medical.

Just try to reassure her and say it’s ok to feel like that. Try to help minimise exposure to situations where her body and bodily functions are more difficult to manage. Sounds like you’re instinctively doing that

Imho I think loads of women felt this way. I suspect that’s why we have so many girls struggling with gender issues.

Hi there,

Just flagging that we have edited the title of this thread at the OP's request.

And while we can never be sure, we have no reason whatsoever at our end to believe this OP isn't genuine, so we hope posters can keep that in mind.

@Leafy2018

I have given her a choice about sanitary protection. She chose pads and that's all fine really - apart from issues when she wants to swim at the beach in summer or has dancing and she worries about the pad showing. I'll look into period underwear - thanks for suggestion. I've never used them myself. She has a good sports bra but says that no other girl in dancing needs one (I've told her that may be the case in her class but loads will do.)

Thanks to those who have made me feel like a complete weirdo for asking for advice on this. Really helpful. I was under the impression this was a supportive place but I must be mistaken.
Way to go making a mother feel even worse than she already does. Is it literally because I used the word 'vagina'? That is what it is called for goodness sake. Welcome to Britain.

FEIW, in my opinion you are NOT a weirdo. You are lucky that you have a good relationship with your DD that she will confide in you such worries.

Oh op don't be shamed for posting...parenting doesn't stop at age 8 and guiding children through puberty is part of it. Honestly some of these responses

In addition to some of the excellent advice you've had, I'm going to suggest 100 vaginas on all4. It's a documentary of a art project by a woman who wanted to address womens dysmorphic views of what a woman is "supposed" to look like.

Its really tough when you develop at a different rate to your peers, I was a late developer and would have killed not to be flat chested at school. In addition, there's others changing attitudes to you when you start to look more 'woman' than 'girl' and weight and body shape can be a Thing in dance circles.

Keep talking to her and look for influences who promote body diversity in dance circles etc She may respond more readily to those who appeal directly to youth culture than a load of parents who've been there, done that.

In a few years, everyone will have caught up with her and she won't feel so alone, in the meantime it sounds like youre doing all the right things.

Sorry for some of the responses you've received OP. It seems you've been shamed by some posters for reaching out for help because of the possibility of perverts getting off on what you've written, but these concerns seems disproportionate and somehow regressive to me.

I responded Op because I felt the same as your daughter when I was a teenager. I thought there was something wrong with me and I was disfigured in some way. I eventually confided in my adult older sister who got hold of some books showing pictures of all different shapes and sizes, and seeing those really helped normalize my own. It wasn't a cure exactly, but it helped a lot.