Is Parenting Teens just a Miserable Experiencethat needs to be endured.

[eczemamum]

Christ - anyone else feel like parenting teens is a thankless miserable soul destroying confidence zapping experience?

I had two lovely boys and we sailed through parenting until they were 14ish. They were charming, engaging, doing well at school and happy and I thought I was bloody mother of the decade. These days the 14 yr old is just locked in his room screaming at FIFA all day long, hard to engage in anything and won’t do the smallest tasks unless I screech at him. The 16 yr is disengaged from school, failing all his A’levels (despite being very bright) social media obsessed and now going out drinking and secretly decanting all our spirits to take with him. Both make it perfectly clear that they would rather stick pins in their eyes than spend any time with me.

I feel like I have turned into a screeching banshee who can do no right and am an utter parenting failure, particularly with the eldest as he is about to balls up his a levels and no one can get through to him.

It is like being a weeble - you get knocked down/rejected/ignored constantly but are expected to just bounce back up again and carry on. I’m tired of it all. The thanklessness of it, the lack of getting anything back, the soul destroying nature of it. Mainly it is the crushing sense of failure and the self doubt - am I the mean mum? Am I giving them too much freedom? Is it my fault? Have I put too much pressure on? Have I not put enough pressure on? Are they depressed? Should I give them space? Have they got too much space?

Just miserable times.

Hats off to all of you with engaged charming hard working teens but I hate you all.

I think some parents are just better suited to different stages, and that's not spoken about enough. For example, my Dh struggles to connect in the 6-11 stage, but is a rockstar during the teenage years. I'm the opposite. For what it's worth, it starts getting better again once they reach 19/20ish, so this too shall pass.

Your mistake was having angels early on. No skills Those of us who had nightmare children early on will sail through.

At least that's what I'm praying.

All 3 of mine have gone through antisocial, unpleasant stages, and have come out the other side charming young people again. (I know I am biased!) That said, my husband did have a word with them (along the lines of "Your mother is feeling lonely and unloved, and would like to spend a bit of time with you" and they did start to make an effort to engage then (Boy2 invites me to play Magic the Gathering with him every now and then, and Daughter has set up weekly mother and daughter baking sessions. Both things I don't much want to do, but I appreciate the time they are spending with me).

I think it is just a phase of growing up. Like the terrible twos, but older...

I hear your pain!
Hating this stage and the constant worry over them- look back at photos of them smiling and happy and actively engaged in family things and I moan for the past.
Everything seems a struggle.

@Doubledoodlemummy

I hear your pain! Hating this stage and the constant worry over them- look back at photos of them smiling and happy and actively engaged in family things and I moan for the past. Everything seems a struggle.

Old photos make me feel weepy! I feel like I have changlings.

Yes. The first two years of it had me in tears regularly. It's better now but small comfort since I now have a slug who spends 80% of his time in bed on his phone.

I had the opposite experience OP. Nightmare when they were young, relatively easy now they are teen (and an almost teen). I do feel very lucky though but I certainly paid my dues when they were young!

Boy2 invites me to play Magic the Gathering with him every now and then, and Daughter has set up weekly mother and daughter baking sessions.

Awww!! That’s so lovely of them.

Apart from @UhtredRagnarson (Destiny is indeed all) - I have found my people here.

OP You have beautifully articulated the agony of having had lovely little people for whom you are the centre of the universe, only to have them morph into ingrates who, at best, put up with you.
I feel your pain, but my own lovely mother (to whom I was a complete bitch from around 14-18) told me that they turn out ok in the end, and she was usually right.
I do fantasise about going out to buy a pint of milk and never going back sometimes though...

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

Apart from *@UhtredRagnarson* (Destiny is indeed all) - I have found my people here.

OP You have beautifully articulated the agony of having had lovely little people for whom you are the centre of the universe, only to have them morph into ingrates who, at best, put up with you.
I feel your pain, but my own lovely mother (to whom I was a complete bitch from around 14-18) told me that they turn out ok in the end, and she was usually right.
I do fantasise about going out to buy a pint of milk and never going back sometimes though...

Well I had a massive meltdown - I let rip, not proud of myself but I lanced the boil and they were shocked and have been on best behaviour since. I told them exactly how they were making me feel and how grinding my life felt at the moment. It has been like my old lovely kids have reappeared. I know it is a temporary respite but it is reassuring to know they are still there under all the ingratitude, constant low level irritation and general unpleasantness.

Yes! You need a buddy, a bit like AA buddies to phone up when you’re desperate. My DDs are 10 years apart, and DD1 was a nightmare from 14 to 18, DD2 being 4 at the time. However, DD2 started to become a nightmare when she was 8, and lasted until she left home! Even now, she can be ‘tricky’. So we had around 12 years of teenage tantrums. I aged a lifetime. However, they are now both absolutely delightful, and when they’re not, at least I can go home and leave them to it.

It's natures way of letting go
All normal
Shit tho

Dd is coming out the other side now she still has moody days but they are less and less so I have nice times too. She is 15& 1/2 but started at 11.

Hang In There

Horrible little feckers, teenagers.

Alcohol? Wait till he starts smoking weed.

Yanbu. It's shit. I can't wait for them both to be 20 +

@DShrute

Horrible little feckers, teenagers.

Yep, little shits.

Yep. I look back at my happy laughing full of fun son in photos and wonder if that's the same person as the grunting monosyllabic gangly creature who shuts himself away and only speaks when he wants food.

My son really was the easiest kid to parent and maybe that's why I'm finding his anxiety so hard to deal with. Its like where did this come from?

The first 4 years were by far the hardest for me. When people gave dire warnings about teens I wondered how much tougher it could get, I was a horror at 14 and that'sone reasonI was relieved to have boys. It never did, they just got easier from 5 onwards.
I don't think it's parenting either, sleepless crying babies are not like that because of parenting. One thing that's often overlooked with teens is that they still need your time.

Oh yes. None of mine were easy babies or toddlers but they were charming from around 4 until they hit puberty. Now there is a lot of expense, nagging and angst from me while they leave stuff everywhere, don’t co-operate and roll their eyes when I try to engage. One in particular is the cause of real concern although he is the easiest going of the bunch but I do look at him and wonder how the hell he’s going to survive on his own in the real world. Just occasionally one or all of them has a moment where I recognise the lovely child they used to be, and that just about keeps me hanging on. But yes, parenting teens is really hard.

There are some lovely teenagers but I think this might not be the thread to talk about them so I'll get me coat

It is the way in which they can make you feel invisible and that your time has no worth. So what if you've just cleaned the kitchen, I'll just create a huge mess and wander off. So what if you've just washed my clothes, I'll just leave them on my bedroom floor rather than put them away. So what if you've asked me to put the orange peel in the bin, I'll just drop it on the carpet.

My DD is nearly 19 and still horrid, her anger mostly aimed at me. Keep telling myself that it isn't personal and they vent to the ones they love and they feel safe etc. So hard when social media portrays portrays Brady bunch family...

Have to follow as I’m in the same place right now! If u r still on, did things get better?

I’m so glad you posted. It’s dreadful. I haven’t had an easy time parenting full stop due to SEN needs but the teenage years are off the scale awful. Apparently they have to pull away but mine seems hellbent on destroying my sanity in the process.

Ha! I’d forgotten I’d written this post. Did it get better?? The eldest didn’t fail his a’levels and got into a good uni so that was good. He was an absolutely miserable knob though until he hit about 19. Generally these days he is more pleasant and engaging and even chose to come on holiday with us so glimmers of light there. On the downside he’s back from Uni for the holidays and I’ve literally just found his dope stash in his bedroom and so a whole new load of worries opened.

The youngest is nearly 18 and is in the drinking and socialising phase. Also not doing great at school but having been through it all before I’m more relaxed. He’s always been more sociable.

The lack of appreciation for all you do for them hasn’t changed though. Still picking up clothes, orange peel etc from the floor. Had a row about dishwasher emptying only yesterday.

I suspect parenting teens is like pushing those sleds in the gym - bloody hard work, involves massive amounts of unnecessary resistance but you get to the end eventually.

I still mourn their younger selves though.