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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please help! 14year old Step daughter having sex

37 replies

WillowNova19 · 08/04/2021 07:14

My 14 year old step daughter sat me and my partner down late last night and she cried and told us she had had sex for the first time. She said she used a condom and it was consensual. The boy is her current boyfriend she’s had for 1.5 years who we know and know his parents. We had sat her down and spoke to her before about pregnancy and safe sex and we hold a open and honest policy in our home and would prefer to know if she was being sexually active and feel comfort coming to us with any worries instead of keeping secrets and getting herself in a situation that won’t be easy to fix. We don’t know when the incident took place or where. When he is here they sit downstairs and hang out with us being able to see them . But we obviously can’t be with them when they aren’t in our home. They have only started meeting up again from last week after being in lock down so it has been recent. Any advice on how we should handle the next step? We know we need to sit and talk to her again about this today. But we don’t want to be hard on her as she has done as we asked and came to us for guidance and been honest. She had the boyfriend before she came to live with us and from family experience I knew we couldn’t force them to separate ways as that would of caused her to go behind our backs and as we all know if teenagers want to have sex they will find a way.
Can my partner take her for birth control at 14? Should we get her the plan b? How do we now regulate their relationship to keep her safe. So many questions. Any parenting advice welcome

OP posts:
Ivy48 · 08/04/2021 07:23

First off I would’ve reiterated that they really shouldn’t be having sex at 14, no matter how safe, could they deal with the consequences of an accident? Also yes to birth control, be honest with the GP about her being sexually active and your concerns, they’ll give her whatever method she would like although at her age perhaps the injection would be best in case she forgot or was unwell? But whilst be supportive and very grateful she’s come to you I’d be making it clear she’s a child and children shouldn’t have sex, could she look after a baby or process the mental stress of an abortion if their birth control failed? We’ve all read stories of it happening

Ivy48 · 08/04/2021 07:24

Also perhaps make it clear there’s an open door policy when her boyfriends around, no private time if their in her room? Limit his visits to weekends? Also perhaps a curfew if she’s going to see him? They’ll have sex it’s inevitable now they’ve started but just make her aware of all the possible complications of sex, not just babies but STI’s/HPV.

Original poster
WillowNova19 · 08/04/2021 07:28

Thank you for the reply. Yes we have let her know that she’s too young and if she was to get pregnant how this will effect her. The convo was very late last night so we didn’t get to much into detail and said we would pick it back up today. We just don’t know now how to navigate their relationship. Do we continue to allow them to hangout under our eye or now refuse him up and potentially have her push us away and meet him anyway behind our backs ? We can’t keep her locked in either . Really thought we would have more time before we had to handle a situation like this. I will get my partner to ring today

OP posts:
Original poster
WillowNova19 · 08/04/2021 07:29

Sorry just seen ur second reply.thanks you I will show my partner ur advice

OP posts:
perenniallymessy · 08/04/2021 07:31

I'm sure it's a worry as she's so young, but she sounds quite sensitive so it's important you don't freak out about it.

Is the boyfriend a similar age? And even though she says it was consensual could she have been pressured into it? Lots of girls in my school were having sex at that age and were not pressured into it. One of my friends (now 42) is now married to the boy she started having sex with at that age and has three young children together.

I would remind her that the age of consent is 16, and that her and the boyfriend are technically breaking the law, so you can't allow them to have sex in your house (with your knowledge at least!). However, you are pleased she trusted you enough to talk to you about it and would suggest that she takes some sort of additional birth control. Honestly though, I would suggest she goes to the family planning clinic with a friend or her boyfriend, not with a parent- again you can understand that she is having sex without facilitating it.

Original poster
WillowNova19 · 08/04/2021 07:36

@perenniallymessy thank you. He’s the same age.. maybe a tad bit younger. There is a annoymous family planning clinic near us we could ask her to go to I suppose. We have told her for now no boyfriend up at our house or her at his until we chat today and get arrange proper protection /advice going forward

OP posts:
perenniallymessy · 08/04/2021 07:37

Sensible not sensitive!

Don't ban them from seeing each other, it would be punishing her honesty. Let him come round still and treat them both exactly the same, but an open door policy and in public areas together as much as possible.

It would also be good to talk about general consent, just because they have had sex doesn't mean that she needs to again, or that she needs to each time they see each other, and she has the right to stop at any point. Also talk about how sex should be a loving act and not a performance, that she should feel comfortable with whatever they do and that real life sex is a million miles away from pornography.

Choconuttolata · 08/04/2021 07:37

I wouldn't come down too hard she has opened up to you as you asked and been sensible and used protection. Yes she can get hormonal birth control at 14, but you need to make it clear that this does not 100% prevent pregnancy or STDs. The open door policy sounds like a good one, eventually they will have sex again, but until they are 16 it is not to be facilitated or encouraged. The other thing to unpick here is although it was consensual, was she happy with her decision afterwards, does she even want to have sex again? She may have regrets (I don't know the reason for her crying), if this is the case then she may have told you so that you can help her stop it happening again as she may feel now that she has had sex with him once that he will expect it again and may feel pressured. Talking to her about her right to say no at any time is important.

perenniallymessy · 08/04/2021 07:44

And even if she does use hormonal contraceptives they should continue to use condoms. Partly for STD prevention (start good habits) and also as a back up to prevent pregnancy.

You don't have to be happy about her having sex, you certainly shouldn't facilitate it but you won't be able to stop it. Just make sure she is truly comfortable with what they are doing and that they are both being safe and careful. You can also explain that there are ways to give each other pleasure without having sex.

itsgettingwierd · 08/04/2021 07:48

Is also suggest contraceptive pill but with absolute importance placed on how she should still be using condoms due to STis and this is a double protection against pregnancy.

I'd also ask her why she was crying. Did she consent and now wish she hadn't? She needs to know that despite having sex once it doesn't mean she is contractually required to do it again if she doesn't want to. Not even in the same relationship.

It's great you have such a good relationship that's open and it's great she told you. The truth is though that many 14yo do have sex. You just have to make sure you tell them it's 16 and make sure if they are going to do it anyway they are safe and feel in control and fully consenting.

PinkPlantCase · 08/04/2021 07:48

OP I don’t understand why she was crying?

I know she said it was consensual but if so why was she so upset?

moofolk · 08/04/2021 07:49

If she has told you, and was upset, it's possible she's looking for an excuse not to rush back into doing it again for a while.

Perhaps it feels too much for her.

As suggested upthread, maybe she felt a bit pressured, whether by the boy or peer / societal pressures. I remember at 14 it felt like everyone was doing it.

But she will do it again at some point so continue to be honest and open.

It's great that you have the kind of relationship that she feels she can tell you personal things, keep that communication open.

pilates · 08/04/2021 07:55

Yes, I would be concerned that she cried which makes me think perhaps she wasn’t comfortable with the experience. 14 is very young, how sad. Do you think she told you so you would try and stop it? A frank conversation needs to be had.

Original poster
WillowNova19 · 08/04/2021 07:55

We aren’t 100% sure why she was crying. She originally told us in a letter and stated she wanted to be honest like we had asked and she was feeling very anxious and scared to tell us so the conversation we had on the back of that was brief.. basically just ensuring she was ok and that we were happy she told us but that we would need to have proper conversation this morning and that she done the right thing coming to us. Partly because it was so late and we didn’t want to lay on a heavy conversation just before her bedtime and also because we needed to process the information: but today I had already planned on chatting to her about her feelings around it

OP posts:
LifesLittleDeciders · 08/04/2021 07:59

On one hand having the open and honest policy makes me feel like this shouldn’t be a worry, what’s done is done, they are in a relationship for a decent amount of time. She’s told you, they’re having safe sex. I think you just need to remind her that although it’s not ideal having sex at 14 and you’d wish she waited longer, don’t damn her now. Just put the reminders out there to have safe sex. Buy her some condoms for a start and talk about contraception. I don’t recommend a hormonal contraceptive though. It can really take it toll on mental health and physical health.

Then on the other hand this whole story throws me back to when I was 14 and had sex for the first time with my boyfriend of 1 year. He was a little bit older, I was also very open and honest with my mum that we’d had sex.

But unfortunately what I thought at 14 was consensual sex was actually peer pressure, manipulation and coerced sex. I only came to that realisation when I was about 19.

I would ask DSD if she has any concerns or questions. Remind her that have sex once does not mean her boyfriend is entitled to pester her for sex now that she’s active.

HelloDulling · 08/04/2021 08:01

I wonder why she told you. If she were entirely happy, they’d just carry on having sex without telling you, surely. Perhaps it feels like too much. I wonder if she wants you to step in and stop them, so she doesn’t have to tell him she doesn’t want to have sex again.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 08/04/2021 08:05

@PinkPlantCase

OP I don’t understand why she was crying?

I know she said it was consensual but if so why was she so upset?

Probably because she was mortified...I'm just speculating, of course.
hellywelly3 · 08/04/2021 08:08

Why did she cry when she told you? That would be my worry. Also please explain that just because she’s done it once doesn’t mean she has to do it again or with any future boyfriends. My mum used to let my boyfriend stay over (I was over 16) but sometimes I wished she didn’t as it meant that he thought he could stay whenever he wanted and sex was a given as my parents were ok with it. It would of been a good excuse if he couldn’t stay over.

Pinchoftums · 08/04/2021 08:12

Does she have contact with he mother? Do you have a good relationship to be able to discuss together?
I think it sounds like you and your DH are doing something really right and should be proud of yourselves and her that she was able to come and talk to you.

MimiPigeon · 08/04/2021 08:12

Report to police. This is statutory rape. She can’t consent - she’s a minor.

itsgettingwierd · 08/04/2021 08:40

@MimiPigeon

Report to police. This is statutory rape. She can’t consent - she’s a minor.
They're both minors.
ZaZathecat · 08/04/2021 08:42

Her boyfriend is younger than her, Mimi, so who is doing the raping?

rainbowthoughts · 08/04/2021 08:47

@PinkPlantCase

OP I don’t understand why she was crying?

I know she said it was consensual but if so why was she so upset?

This ^

I would be questioning her version of events. Lots of 14 year olds have sex, unfortunately. It's rare for them to have consensual, safe sex and then sit their parent down to tell them about it

rainbowthoughts · 08/04/2021 08:48

@MimiPigeon

Report to police. This is statutory rape. She can’t consent - she’s a minor.

That's not a thing.

Quitelikeacatslife · 08/04/2021 09:00

You sound like you've both got a great relationship with her and it's good she opened up to you.
I wonder whether she did because she may have thought you'd go mad and put the brakes on and she could blame you to him?
Very much reiterate that just because she has done it once she doesn't have to do it again and she would probably be better waiting a bit longer before she does it again.
She could be looking for boundaries
Going together to family planning may set them off on a routine of this is what we do now.