DD hates me and only seems to remember the bad things

[MummyInTheNecropolis]

She is almost 16. I believe she has significant mental health problems but she refuses to speak to any professionals at all, so despite me talking to the GP, school, Ed psych, CAMHS and social services, none have been able to do anything as they all say if she won’t engage then they can’t help. She is constantly depressed and very angry, although all of her anger is directed at me, never anyone else.

I’ve been a single parent from the start, no involvement from her dad so it’s always been just the 2 of us. I have worked hard to build a relatively successful career and feel like I’ve done my best for DD but she claims that she has had a miserable life and I have never done anything for her. When I try to talk to her she seems to rewrite history - eg last night she said I’ve never done anything about her mental health issues because I don’t care about her. I pointed out all of the things I have done, all of the people I have been to for help, all of the times I have tried talking to her and persuading her to accept help. She says by doing this I am ‘shutting her down’ and not listening to her.

Another example is school. She has always been a chronic school refuser but this has hugely increased over the past year - lockdown certainly hasn’t helped but it was going on long before this. I speak to the school every day, we have had countless meetings, we have worked together to put numerous measures in place to help DD (such as a later start, reduced timetable, extra support, taxi to school every day.) Nothing has worked and the school have now said that she can no longer attend as it just isn’t working, and they are currently finding alternative provision for her. DD has refused all alternatives offered and simply says she will refuse to go. She says that I have ruined her education, it is all my fault as I am the cause of her mental health issues which stop her being able to attend school. She is furious with me over this, but is unable to articulate what it is she thinks I could or should have done differently.

I am just at a loss now, the constant tension is unbearable, the way she speaks to me is awful, lots of swearing and insults. Any form of consequence I try to give results in her telling me that I am proving her right, that I clearly don’t care about her, and will often result in her threatening to take her own life. I don’t know what to do or where else to turn.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

Is she violent?

No, not violent, very aggressive, but never violent.

Normal teen as I see it. As a mother, single parent, i tried too hard. Worked my ass off to provide and nothing was ever good enough. If yours hates school perhaps early college, vocational course would help. Mine loved school, just hated me, in the end i realised i had to say something. Told her i always loved her, still do. When she was 18 I said, do whatever you want. I can no longer help you. Although to this day, I still provide some money towards food etc or essentials. The result was years of problems, which I insisted she deal with herself. Now she is older, she can cope with all eventualities. And even likes to go shopping with me. I will never understand her thinking, but I will always love her. And in honesty, if she feels loved by me, after all shes said and done to me, I feel I have done my duty as a mum. Good luck to you. Time passes. And loving her unconditionally is the best you can do as a mum

Thank you @lydia2021 that’s actually really reassuring to hear, although I’m sorry you had a hard time too. I don’t have many friends with teens, most of my friends have younger children, but the few that do seem to have it so much easier, they might have to put up with the usual teen strops but none of them seem to be met with the absolute rage and hatred that I get.

Well I definitely had pure rage and hatred from mine. It's mainly about separation from parent, or parents into adulthood. And they condemn everything we do, say, said, and even what we wear, see, spend money on. It all changes when the harsh realities set in such as paying rent and utilities etc themselves. The transition can take years. We are doing ourselves no favours pandering to their rage. Walk away. I used to lock myself in a room till she calmed down. It was the only way. And the stories she told me, whoo, I was mortified at the time. But when she grew older, she admitted it all wasnt true. But I spent s lot of time thinking it was true, so the stress was enormous. The tall tales of her escapades were really about sticking the knife in, metaphorically, and twisting it to make me feel bad as a mother. I was not a bad mother, I was a caring mother who picked her up late at night when she was 15, because I cared. Cared what happened to her. She wont admit to anything, to this day. But some say the hurricane that batters your house, becomes the gentle breeze later. Very true.

@MummyInTheNecropolis I feel like I could have written your post. I don't have advice. I would say our family is pretty broken by dd. She does have mental health problems- but will not engage with anything. She lies outrageously and then blames everyone else. Her older brother is (rightly) terrified of her.

It feels like a shameful secret too. I was so present with her. I cared about how she felt right from the beginning but you'd think I'd been out doing what the hell I liked all this time.

I think that @lydia2021 is right. You need to be confident you have done your best and that is enough. This does not mean you need to turn yourself inside out becoming more and more stressed.

Does she have friends, OP?

Thank you @StillDumDeDumming

@HermioneMakepeace she does not make friends easily, she does have a few good friends that she enjoys spending time with and is always on the phone to them when she’s at home, though I dread to think what she is telling them about me!

Dont worry about what shes saying about you. All teens swap horror stories about their parents. If they are talking about you they are leaving someone else alone. Basically, their opinion of you is none of your business. Be strong. Play the waiting game. I played the waiting game but it took years, rescuing her. Every thing from hitchhiking across Europe, having spent all her money, to dodgy boyfriend removing, by appealing direct to the boyfriend. I have had it all, but I have a gentle breeze coming from her now. I will never forget what escapades she got up to. But she finally learnt from them. Life is calm now. But a relative has a son, with years of gentle breeze, who is now suffering due to his use of gym drugs. The rage she gets from him is truly terrifying. We can only do our best, dont do yourself down worrying. Better to go through it now than later, a son in his thirties with rage is not pretty. Take care

The trick IME is to know that you've done all you can, know she's angry and troubled and lashing out and therefore don't get into the cycle of

"You've done nothing"
"I've done ........"

Try instead to validate her feelings.

"You've done nothing"

"Ok, I hear you and I'm listening. Tell me what you need me to do and how I can help"

It's hard parenting teens with MH problems and harder alone (done it and my ds is also 16 now)

But nothing gets solved through raking over what you did when she wasn't able to accept or see what you did. It gets solved by doing what they need you to do for them now.

I am really sorry. You sound like a genuinely great Mum but perhaps even though you have done amazing, from an outside perspective, it may still have been hard for your daughter at times through no fault of yours and maybe she feels you invalidate her when she tries to express that. That is not a reflection on you or what you have achieved to make the best out of the hand you are dealt but it may have been your daughter’s experience.

Can I give an example of what I mean, my best friend growing up had a single mother who worked so extremely hard for her children, she gave them extra opportunities along the way both socially and educationally. I admire that woman to death for what she did for her children.

Recently though my extremely accomplished and successful friend spoke about her experiences as a child. She had to become very independent very young, she had a mother who was very overwhelmed with the workload she had trying to do the work of two parents. Being overwhelmed made her mother less emotionally available than she otherwise might have been able to be. My friend still acknowledges that her mother is an awesome mother and person but she now validates the experiences she (my friend) had growing up in her particular situation.

Maybe your daughter has some valid points about her experiences and she is getting more pulled into them as she feels you are not able to validate her. Would it be worth really listening to her without judgement on you or her and seeing if that helps her to express herself outwardly a bit better and helps with her depression. I know it is tough not to get defensive when we are feeling judged but children really do need to feel fully seen and heard by their parents even when it isn’t what we as parents want to hear.

@itsgettingwierd thank you for these words. It's so hard but you have given me something more to think about.

She definitely has some valid points, I am by no means perfect and have made plenty of mistakes, I do recognise this and have apologised to her for things I have done wrong.

I have tried asking her what she needs and offering to do whatever it is she needs me to do to help her - this is almost always met with her saying I shouldn’t be asking her what to do, I should just know, I’m supposed to be the grown up, I shouldn’t be asking her to tell me how to be a parent etc.

It feels like I can’t win no matter what I do. I am grateful to you all for sharing your experiences though, talking about it is really helping.

Mummy that sounds very positive for her. I wonder maybe if she just needs to sit with her when she is feeling like that and help her how to learn to manage and sit with and process those big feelings she is having.

We can be a very solutions based society where every time we come across a problem we try to fix it. Emotions aren’t like that they are very often uncomfortable although sometimes barely perceptible sensations that we have to learn to be able to sit with and let pass through us. It sounds like she is struggling with regulating her emotions and needs to learn skills to help her to do that. Meditation, self care, exercise, journaling etc might help.

I know my own DD suffers extremely badly from PMT and it is like an alien has taken her over at those times, but helping her to see it ends, focussing when she is in good form on helping her recognise those good times all helps but mainly just sitting there and listening to her and letting her feel exactly how she feels and not trying to fix it for her but reminding her it will pass definitely helps.

It all sounds very tough for you and like I said before you sound like a fantastic Mum.

@MummyInTheNecropolis

She definitely has some valid points, I am by no means perfect and have made plenty of mistakes, I do recognise this and have apologised to her for things I have done wrong.

I have tried asking her what she needs and offering to do whatever it is she needs me to do to help her - this is almost always met with her saying I shouldn’t be asking her what to do, I should just know, I’m supposed to be the grown up, I shouldn’t be asking her to tell me how to be a parent etc.

It feels like I can’t win no matter what I do. I am grateful to you all for sharing your experiences though, talking about it is really helping.

You could try "well I know what I think will help you. But I want to know what I think you need is what you think you need. I want to get this right for you. I respect your opinions"

It won't happen straightaway. This will do on for ages.

Lockdown was a really hard time for ds and I last year when doing our long walks. Having finished his school education quite abruptly he then used the time as kind of therapy to get it all off his chest.

Many times I heard "and you did nothing or you blamed me because you said ....."

I would just reply "ok what do you think I should have done then?" "Can you look me in the eyes and tell me honestly you believe I just ignored that " "if you're in that situation again what would you like me to do and how much would you like me to tell you about how I'm helping behind the scenes"

My ds still hasn't forgiven me over one thing I did. He knows why I made that decision and he's glad I did now. But he'll never get over the fact I didn't fight for the part of it he is still affected by (not physically but emotionally).

He was accused of something he didn't do (which has now been proven but they wouldn't go back and do something about the people who made false accusations). I knew he didn't do it but by fighting for what was right I risked him losing another school place and I knew this was the best place for him ultimately.

@Notoriouslynotnotious thank you. The trouble is, she expects me to have a solution to every issue and becomes enraged if I don’t have one, or I suggest the ‘wrong’ one. For example, the school situation. She will ask me what she is going to do now that school have said she can’t go there. I tell her the 3 options of alternative provision that the school have offered and try to talk about the different benefits of each one. She will cut me off immediately (and often very rudely, by telling me to “shut the fuck up” for example) and tell me she doesn’t want any of those options. I ask her what she would prefer, she says she doesn’t know, that I should know, that I’m the parent and I should be fixing it, and then we go round in circles again.

This reminds me of my cousin's trouble with her eldest; his mental illness made him turn savagely on his parents. It was outside my experience then, but I can see looking back that it was his illness speaking.

To protect my own sanity I'd be going with minimal information to give her each time OP. It sounds like she can't cope with more -- and she'll lash out (bite your head off) if you say more than simple small things.

She's being completely U but you knew that. Look after your own mental health. it's important.

Have you thought about getting her to help at a nearby stables. My DD was a very cross younger teen and the time at the stables helped her to put down her phone, talk to other teens and gain some confidence. Animals are a really good way to relax and to talk to as they listen without judgement. My DD is now at the stables everyday mucking out and exhausted when she comes home. She is happy, calmer and more focused.

Your DD will be fine, everything is repeatable, but finding a new focus may help.

Thanks @littlebillie, my DD does love animals and would love something like that but we live in London, far away from any stables and I don’t drive. There is a local city farm which takes volunteers which I looked into but DD wasn’t interested (probably because it was my idea!) She said she didn’t want to get up early at weekends and didn’t want to do any cleaning up after the animals. It’s a shame because I know if she gave it a go she’d love it. I think part of it is her anxiety, she hates going anywhere alone, being around people she doesn’t know etc. It’s been a while since we discussed it though so I might cautiously raise the idea again when she’s having a calm moment.

Have you considered assessing for Asd,she sounds very similar to my dd,chronic school refusal
Is very common in autistic teens. Girls are not usually diagnosed untill teens as they mask,it's part of the make up of autistic girls. A lot of autism girls will be miss diagnosed as having mental health problems. Our lives became so much easier and happier once our dd received her diagnosis. Understanding is everything ,for your dd,for you,for the school. There is lots of support,I would absolutely not go further with any more mental health assessment untill Asd is outruled. Can I ask was she very clingy as a small child?? Suffering from separation anxiety growing up??

@douliket I 100% believe she has ASD and would love an assessment. This has been discussed with school and CAMHS, however, in order to have an assessment, DD would need to attend an appointment/speak to a professional which she simply will not do. I have tried so many times to persuade her and begged CAMHS to help me find a way, but I am met with the same response from everybody: if she won’t engage, there’s nothing we can do.

I feel for you op, it just really gets you down. Dd is 16 and according to her I am the root of her mental health problems. She has had counselling for severe anxiety and said that a lot of it focused on me and pretty much how awful I am. She says we aren't a normal family, She can't understand how dh and ds can bear to live with me, she feels sorry that ds has me as his mum, she can't wait to move out and will never have a relationship with me. I try to stay calm with her but her condescending tone is so hard to bear. Lockdown has been tough on dh and me, I didn't think we'd get through the first one, it was rocky for a few months and we argued a fair bit, but luckily we managed to stay together. Dd blames me entirely.

Sorry @Mooloolabababy, I’ve only just seen your post. Your DD sounds just like mine, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too, it’s so hard.

I'm feeling sh*t after DD spewing pure hatred of me yesterday. She knows what to say and do to hurt me. I know she is struggling with her mental health and I try everything to support her without enabling her.

Mooloolababay your DD sounds just like mine. Offering you a hand hold and a virtual hug. DM me for support