DD hates me and only seems to remember the bad things

[MummyInTheNecropolis]

She is almost 16. I believe she has significant mental health problems but she refuses to speak to any professionals at all, so despite me talking to the GP, school, Ed psych, CAMHS and social services, none have been able to do anything as they all say if she won’t engage then they can’t help. She is constantly depressed and very angry, although all of her anger is directed at me, never anyone else.

I’ve been a single parent from the start, no involvement from her dad so it’s always been just the 2 of us. I have worked hard to build a relatively successful career and feel like I’ve done my best for DD but she claims that she has had a miserable life and I have never done anything for her. When I try to talk to her she seems to rewrite history - eg last night she said I’ve never done anything about her mental health issues because I don’t care about her. I pointed out all of the things I have done, all of the people I have been to for help, all of the times I have tried talking to her and persuading her to accept help. She says by doing this I am ‘shutting her down’ and not listening to her.

Another example is school. She has always been a chronic school refuser but this has hugely increased over the past year - lockdown certainly hasn’t helped but it was going on long before this. I speak to the school every day, we have had countless meetings, we have worked together to put numerous measures in place to help DD (such as a later start, reduced timetable, extra support, taxi to school every day.) Nothing has worked and the school have now said that she can no longer attend as it just isn’t working, and they are currently finding alternative provision for her. DD has refused all alternatives offered and simply says she will refuse to go. She says that I have ruined her education, it is all my fault as I am the cause of her mental health issues which stop her being able to attend school. She is furious with me over this, but is unable to articulate what it is she thinks I could or should have done differently.

I am just at a loss now, the constant tension is unbearable, the way she speaks to me is awful, lots of swearing and insults. Any form of consequence I try to give results in her telling me that I am proving her right, that I clearly don’t care about her, and will often result in her threatening to take her own life. I don’t know what to do or where else to turn.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

Mummy, OP right there with you. Deep breath

Hi, I know this post is old, but felt I had to respond as my 15 year old daughter is exactly the same. It sounds like you are describing her.
She refuses to go to school and hasn't been for 6 months. This was due to panic attacks, ringing me up begging to collect her. I've tried to find out why, eg bullying but that doesn't seem to be the reason. My daughter has ASD and finds it hard to explain herself. She says she doesn't go to school because she doesn't like it.
I had her referred to CAMHS but she refuses help. She doesn't think she has any issues and hates me for getting her diagnosed when she was 8. She was very physically violent with me which is why I sought help in the first place, and I knew that she was lagging in certain social skills and still is.
She tells me daily how much she hates me and her life which is like living in hell. I love her so much.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I empathise a d do believe that your situation isn't just down to being a teenager, there's an extra layer of complexity on top of it.
I wonder how you are getting on now?

Sorry to hear your struggles with your dd. I've been through similar with mine, though I'm not a single parent so at least have had support with it. Also mine started seeing CAMHS some years ago before things escalated so, though she has often refused to go, there is still a relationship there and she has now been prescribed anti depressants which seem to be working.

I let myself get embroiled in answering her allegations and trying to reason with her but it was futile. A few months ago she ended up in hospital overnight (accused us of abuse and refused to come home one night). The next day we spoke to the CAMHS team at the hospital. They advised just to say 'is there anything I can do to help?' I found that useful even if I got shouted at for asking. I avoided any discussions of me and my supposed faults and just focused her back on what the issue was for her. That did make things easier and it is now some weeks since I have been accused of being a terrible mother.

The ADs also seem to have lifted her darker moods and anger so she is much more reasonable. I know your dd isnt engaging with services, but perhaps if you accept her as she is for now and just make it clear you are there if she needs you, things may calm down. In the end, only she can take responsibility for herself.

Thank you SGBK4682 - I'm sorry also that you have had to go through a similar situation - the hospital stay must have been incredibly stressful.

I think your idea of accepting her the way DD is is the best solution, and when she is ranting or raving I'll offer help, as you suggested, rather than reacting or sticking up for myself. I have tried to be non-reactive and have been successful at times, but as you probably know it's very easy to get sucked into the emotions.

I will continue to practice this and also accept her for who she is. I'm okay that she refused to see CAMHS, and that she doesn't accept she has ASD. None of that really matters - all I really want is for her to be happy, as we all do with our kids.

I am sorry you're going through this with your dd. My dd is 12 and exactly the same and it is so sad to watch. Curious when your dd started coping this way? My dd has said for a couple of years she feels unhappy all the time, but was always motivated, laughing, worked hard at school, stuck to the rules and we could never understand why she was so unhappy. She has had counselling and was referred to camhs but did not connect with the support she was given. She moved to high school last year and in November had a fall out with a couple of friends there. Although they are friends again it seemed to turn everything upside down. She began refusing to go to school, is too depressed to get up some mornings, she swears at us, will do nothing we ask, but has also become violent towards me when she gets angry, which happens increasingly and very quickly. If we give her consequences she becomes angry and aggressive and finding it really hard to know how to challenge the way she treats people without upsetting her mental health more. Its so sad as she was so motivated before but now has no interest in anything and doesn't care. Every day is full on supporting her to get up, get to school, get her to eat something healthy, sleep at a decent time, messaging the school as she skips classes, meeting with the school to support her back to classes, doctor appointments to try and get help, trying to get her out of the house and involved in things at the weekend, organizing everything for her as she has no energy. she sees a private psychologist at the moment, and I have referred her back to camhs in the hope she can get anti depressants as she won't engage in talk therapy with them. She tells me I do nothing for her and don't care, mess everything up, terrible mum. I have no idea how to help her at this point. I'm sorry your going through this. It's so hard for them and you. I have started to think she may be ADHD or asd also with the things she says and her complete loss of control when she gets angry. I feel like a terrible parent! My DS reassures me I'm not, I just wish I could help her more.

Sorry, I rambled on in my previous post. Unfortunately I have no advice but it sounds like you are doing a lot to support your daughter. My daughter said she says these things because she is hurting and wants me to hurt too in those moments. Alot of it is said in anger and might not be how she feels once she is calm. Its hard when there is no obvious way to help, hopefully when her mental health improves in the future she would see things differently.

Hi @Moncherie - thanks so much for responding. Please don't think you were rambling, it helps me to realise that I'm not alone in my experience.
I'm very sorry you are going through it as well.
My daughter is 15 now and started behaving this way around 12. She also becomes violent with me very quickly, basically every word that comes out of her mouth just spews hate. I agree with you that this is because they are feeling hurt themselves so want us to hurt as well, as sad as that is. She also won't engage with CAMHS as she says she is fine and doesn't need help. In a way, I try to turn that around and see that as a positive thing and she will figure things out for herself eventually - I hope.
The way I try to deal with it (I say try because it's one of the hardest things every) is to disconnect my emotions and talk to her in a loving but business type style of manner. If my daughter swears at me if I ask her to do her homework, I will say 'I understand you are feeling this way, but you still need to hand in your homework by Wednesday' etc etc. By not reacting and getting sucked into her drama, I control myself better and stick to the point. You can only be responsible for your reactions and guide your daughter the best you can at the same time.
I also have a son (age 12) who thinks I'm a great mum, and if that's what your son says too, then you are as well, I promise. My son and daughter are two different people and my son doesn't need much help in many areas - he does as he's told generally and gets on with things. My daughter on the other hand needs a lot more coaching. She's a different personality, is going through the worst of the teenage years, plus has some lagging skills.

I'm sure that both our daughters will be just great in the end, and this is a phase (albeit a really horrible one), that we need to support them with.

Don't get me wrong, it is a living hell much of the time, but try to use all the tools you have to get through it (don't react, stay calm, get to the point, remember what a fabulous mum you are). Feel free to DM me if you ever need to.

Sorry, I’ve only just seen the more recent posts on this thread, thought I’d give an update. About a week or 2 after my last post here DD took a massive overdose and cut herself severely, resulting in a hospital stay. Thankfully she was ok and recovered physically quite quickly. I refused to take her home from hospital until they put some proper help in place for her. We had meetings every day with hospital staff, camhs, social care and the school. After several days of to-ing and fro-ing, with me putting up a hell of a fight I eventually got them to agree to help us. I took her home and we had regular visits from CAMHS and social care, DD still refused to engage but their input helped, they gave me the tools I needed to help her, and I fed back to them the effects on DD and what she was saying about how she was feeling etc.

We met a fantastic woman who worked for the home hospital tuition team who refused to give up and kept contacting DD until eventually she relented and engaged. They now have a great relationship.

Fast forward to now, there hasn’t been any self harm since that awful day, our relationship has improved massively and DD has matured and grown in confidence so much. She is now engaging in home tuition and is working towards taking her GCSEs (a year later than planned).

She has a good social life, and has just landed herself a part time job which starts today.

Things are by no means perfect, in fact I’ve just posted a thread today about her anxiety over the new job and how to support her, but reading this thread has made me realise how far we have come. Her anxiety today is her crying and getting upset about starting the job, 9 months ago her anxiety would mean self harming and refusing to leave the house. Such a big difference!

Thanks to everyone who gave me support on this thread, it was really appreciated.

@MummyInTheNecropolis Hi - I'm so glad to hear that your DD is doing better. You are right - you both have come a long way. That's awesome news her social life about the part-time job, even though that has resulted with some anxiety. It does go to show that we all need to remember that even though some days are really dark, they do pass eventually.

That's great that you managed to get some support after a fight. May I ask what you think the best strategies were that you got from CAMHS to help you?

To be honest, I just refused to bring her home from hospital unless they promised home visits and support for me, which they did. I refused to back down or accept anything less.

Oh sorry, I misunderstood your question. The support from CAMHS was initially just having someone on the end of the phone/email to discuss things with whenever I needed to and to ask for advice. Then we started to talk about NVR tactics, I did an NVR course and I use the strategies all the time, they are so useful. Of course they don’t always work and we still have our ups and downs but I feel more confident and better equipped to deal with her behaviour now.

@MummyInTheNecropolis That's so useful - thanks! I'll check out an NVR course.