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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds 16 and now social services involved should I be worried...

34 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 01/04/2021 17:10

He's 16 and not responding to any rules or boundaries, he's verbally abusive swearing calling us cunts, bashing furniture and walls. Coming home all hours and just being horrible. He's telling lies in school and getting into fights, mixing with the wrong people out of school telling school he's been chased by gangs etc. He tends to bend the truth so I don't even know if its real. He's changed so much and I am so worried but also feel such a failure with the way hes turned out. School have now done a MASH referral I know we have tried out best but our relationship with ds has broken down and we've had some awful heated rows. Well they take him away? If I thought it might help then I would sign the papers but I don't want people to give up hope in him and for him to be lost in the system. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 01/04/2021 19:30

Oh love thus sound so hard. They won't take him away. They may suggest independent living?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/04/2021 20:23

@Christmasfairy2020

Oh love thus sound so hard. They won't take him away. They may suggest independent living?
I feel he is too vulnerable and inmature to live alone. I'm sure he would love it though!!
OP posts:
cansu · 01/04/2021 20:28

I would be very surprised if he is taken into care. You would actually need to kick him out for that to happen and they would do everything they could to discourage you. There was a poster on here called Mary who has a shed load of experience who would probably have some wise words and advice.

Gumandbass · 01/04/2021 20:31

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time
The won't take him away, simply because social services are stretched to the limit, there just aren't the resources to deal with a stroppy teen.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/04/2021 21:07

I just want to cry or run away to be honest. I don't know I have done wrong for him to be like this towards us. Its horrible to say but it's made me question why I even had children. It's literally ruining our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/04/2021 21:10

I just want him to be OK and right now Im imagining this awful path of distruction he's on not knowing where he will end up or if we come through this 😔. I feel so scared for him. And feel awful for us that we have failed as parents and may lose our son and brother.

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 02/04/2021 11:16

I really really feel for you. The worry sometimes is crushing.
I have little experience with boys but I’m wondering if most interaction with him on your part is battles and anger or does he see the side of you where you’re telling him you love him, you want to help or support? In this post it’s so easy to see how much you love him. Does he see that? Sometimes it’s so easy for our love to become anger and shouting because we are terrified for them. They think we hate them. If we can stay calm as parents, really listen to them, say we understand, acknowledge what they’re feeling, show them we love them sometimes this can open a chink of communication. Their fear is often expressed as anger and lashing out too. Is he saying he’s scared of something? Once that happens their anger can slightly subside on their part.. Wishing you lots of luck xx

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 02/04/2021 23:08

Thank you. I hope the son I raised is still in there somewhere. Its so hard to find express the love to them when they hurt you so much but I will try. Some days are just harder the others 😔

OP posts:
Foxhasbigsocks · 02/04/2021 23:25

@Maryz I don’t know if you will see this

Shortiemyboo · 03/04/2021 16:41

Firstly massive hugs. Flowers My 16 year old is a horror snd have been referred to Ss twice, once because she overdosed on illegal drugs and because she ran away again (3rd time) Ss referred us to a family worker that don’t work for them but are to try and help with boundaries, drug education etc.

Its so hard, Im actually lying here in tears as my 12 year old is hellish already (attitude mainly) Its hard to not blame yourself and wonder were you are going wrong.

I’d happily hand mine over to Ss some days.

JovialNickname · 03/04/2021 17:06

That sounds so hard OP Flowers

Do you have other younger children? I think that if you do, that must have a bearing on your decision as it sounds like an awful situation for them to live in.

Foobydoo · 03/04/2021 17:15

Please don't worry. We were referred to MASH three times when dd was 14/15. The first two times they rang for a chat, asked if I would like support ftom early help (I didn't ) and signed it off. The third time MASH must have referred to ss who just wrote to me saying get in touch if I needed support.
Support available in the first instance is through early help which is a family support worker. They can be helpful if the worker is good and are completely voluntary. They do sometimes step up to social services but not usually.

Christmasfairy2020 · 03/04/2021 18:20

@Shortiemyboo sounds terrible. What is youngest homelike like. My 11 yr old has the attitude. I seem to have to force exercise.

Christmasfairy2020 · 03/04/2021 18:21

@Foobydoo what was she doing to have been referred to mash?

Ratched · 03/04/2021 18:36

@Meltinthemiddle we were never actually referred to anyone , but when ds got to 17 or 18, he took an overdose of paracetomol, on top of being pissed and drove off after a major row. This was the culmination of three years of sheer fucking misery.
He came home. I rang for advice on what to do after his 'overdose', and an ambulance was sent. He refused to cooperate with them, so they sent for the police.
He was given a choice of cooperating or being arrested.
He cooperated. Eventually.
We all trundled off to the hospitalnwhere he was discharge several hoirs later having promised to never overdose again.........
Chocolate and teapot come to mind.

However, he is now in a fab job, good pay, married with a wonderful child and a model citizen.
I wpuld NEVER have believed this possible at the time. He was honestly the most obnoxious individual,you could wish to meet. All charm and friendly on the surface, but a nightmare underneath.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, dont give up. Yours may well get through this, just like mine did.
All I wanted was for him to be committed, taken away and brought back mended, just to find someone who could press a reset button.
That didnt happen, we just bumbled our way through and it came right eventually.

Good luck, and if I can be of any support, please just shout. I know what its like x

Neversleepingever · 03/04/2021 18:41

It's like he needs to be sent to military camp like they do in the Hollywood films. What age did he start not respecting your boundaries and rules?

If he's swearing at you, how does he respond if you punish him by canceling his phone contract. Taking away games console or unplugging the WiFi?

If he's coming home later than his cerfew, would taking his key away and grounding him work? You'd have keep the front and back door locked though so a pain for the whole family but it sounds like you need to go to extremes now. Would that work? If he stays grounded for however long you deem appropriate, say, 1 week then he's late again.. same locked in grounded situation? A bit like Super Nanny with the naughty step but adapted for a sulky teenager.

Foobydoo · 03/04/2021 23:03

@Christmasfairy2020 she made a suicide attempt and the police attended and later risky behaviour i.e drinking and staying out late.

She has now been diagnosed with adhd and ASD which explains a lot and is in a much better place with the right support.

What helped us was therapeutic parenting and lovebombing. I had to really change my expectations and pick my battles. It goes against what a parent would normally do. For example If she was going ten minutes late she would have stayed out much later rather then face the consequences. I made a rule that I would not go mad but she must text and let me know so I dont worry. I also rephrased a lot, so rather than your grounded I would say she needs to stay in for her own safety but she could invite a friend over.

Copperblack · 03/04/2021 23:46

Hi, I’m a foster carer of older teens, and it’s very unlikely he would be bought into care, there is not enough provision for this age group even in emergency- my most recent you g person was put in a hotel before coming here!

My advice would be the opposite of boot camp - ‘connection before correction’ is how I work. Being supportive, positive and connected will help him examine his own behaviour, grounding, arguments etc will just make him defensive. The vast majority of teens come through this phase and become functional adults- it’s a period of adjustment for everyone. Hang in there and accept any support. Services vary but there are some great mentoring programmes around that can really help teens find a way through this madness x

Redburnett · 03/04/2021 23:55

Just keep trying, finding anything positive to comment on and reinforce, and trying to ignore the horrible behaviour. Maybe try being very assertive about small simple things if he still engages at all, small nudges in the direction you would like him to take.
They do grow up in the end, but it may be hard going for a while yet.

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 04/04/2021 00:11

@Neversleepingever

It's like he needs to be sent to military camp like they do in the Hollywood films. What age did he start not respecting your boundaries and rules?

If he's swearing at you, how does he respond if you punish him by canceling his phone contract. Taking away games console or unplugging the WiFi?

If he's coming home later than his cerfew, would taking his key away and grounding him work? You'd have keep the front and back door locked though so a pain for the whole family but it sounds like you need to go to extremes now. Would that work? If he stays grounded for however long you deem appropriate, say, 1 week then he's late again.. same locked in grounded situation? A bit like Super Nanny with the naughty step but adapted for a sulky teenager.

I'm guessing you are not a parent

Op, if there is any advice or support offered following the mash, then take it

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/04/2021 09:21

@Foobydoo glad things are working okay now xx

AlfonsoTheTerrible · 04/04/2021 09:24

No advice, OP, but all of my sympathy. It sounds challenging.

lightand · 04/04/2021 09:26

Has he changed at some point, or has he always had challenging behaviour?

lightand · 04/04/2021 09:30

Maybe he is being chased by gangs.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 04/04/2021 17:24

Thank you everyone some grwta advice there. To be honest if I took his key or phone off him things would just escalate and he would either smash stuff up or climb out the window. I don't need this iny home and it's upsetting for my other son to see. I'm trying so hard to rephrase things, acknowledge when he's come home earlier etc. But this he can be so wound up and nasty because his washings not done or his hairs out of place. I do wonder if he has something wrong with him and theres more to it. He's always been dramatic from pregnancy to now. Always blaming others never taking responsibility. Even the the lying when he was very young. He falls out with his peers quite easily too.

OP posts: