Ds 16 and now social services involved should I be worried...

[Meltinthemiddle]

He's 16 and not responding to any rules or boundaries, he's verbally abusive swearing calling us cunts, bashing furniture and walls. Coming home all hours and just being horrible. He's telling lies in school and getting into fights, mixing with the wrong people out of school telling school he's been chased by gangs etc. He tends to bend the truth so I don't even know if its real. He's changed so much and I am so worried but also feel such a failure with the way hes turned out. School have now done a MASH referral I know we have tried out best but our relationship with ds has broken down and we've had some awful heated rows. Well they take him away? If I thought it might help then I would sign the papers but I don't want people to give up hope in him and for him to be lost in the system. I just want to cry.

This could have been my ds at 16 I'm sorry to say. Adhd and a load of other issues and just terrible. Absconding assaulting bad language smashing carrying knives small troubles with police big troubles with school. Just terrible. Soc serv did not take him away. They wanted nothing to do with him unless we made him homeless which we couldn't do. We were therefor coping. We weren't but they just don't have the resources to be of much help.
This is what helped him..
Leaving school and joining a completely different 6th form. Fortunately he was up for this
Really really close monitoring. Me and dh never left the house together for about three years as he would bring back drug users underage girls once even a baby for God's sake that some feckless girl had asked him to look after for a few nights!
Going to uni. He got the grades thank god and off he went to reinvent himself.
He is still aged 26 a bloody loose cannon, but graduated, has only one caution to his name and no convictions. Has a responsible job which he just about holds down and lots of friends. He is about to move out into a flat he is buying.
He has nearly killed us though and I am not joking.

Haha we took his phone away once and he smashed up all dhs expensive guitars. Taking the phone away is not the way to go once they are at this stage. Sorry that only works long before this.

Yes definitely not. I think it's hard for my husband to just let things go and pick his battles. I'm not sure if he fits the criteria for adhd or autism. He's always been dramatic but always behaved in school. His teachers have been very good talking to him and us. She things he has outgrown school and home but is lost.

Sorry your going through this OP, it must be very stressful, my brother was like this as a teen too and we had similar with step son. It’s very very unlikely that SS will take him away, they just don’t do this with teens because there’s nowhere for them to place them, hopefully they will offer advice and support on how to deal with his behaviour but sad to say it could get worse before it gets better.

I dont know much about this, but interesting that he used to behave in school? Why do you think that was? Does he have someone else who he behaves for?

Sounds like my son who's now in a care home. We have been getting on better while he's been there now he has decided he wants to move in with someone who we disapprove of he has said accept my decision or stay out of my life.
The social worker said she will do checks on the person and is trying to make him understand that if he leaves the place he is he won't be able to go back if things go wrong.
I don't want to control his life but not 1 person thinks its a good idea.
I feel he uses us when he wants and drops us when some one takes a interest.
Long story but he moved in with a friend last year at 15 the social said they couldn't drag him back. 7 months later he had reported the friend's mum to social about mold in the house and drug taking. The mother rung social and said she wanted him gone. So he was taken in to care because he begged me to refused so he would be taken into care he said that's what he wanted. He said he would get help and support he needs. 3 weeks later and we are here again.
I never wanted him to move to the friend's I wanted him home.
When he doesn't get his own way he accuses us of abuse.
I am sick and tired of all this now
I don't want to give up on him but I can't be treated like this over and over.
The social will take your son if you completely refuse.

Sal

And to add I am not backing down on him moving in with this guy. If that means he doesn't have contact with me I will not accept him wrecking his life and I think I deserve to be able to have an opinion without being told to f* off and keep out of it.

Sal

I’m so sorry, OP. My DC are only small but this is something I worry about a lot, for various reasons.

Would you have the money to be able to access any mental health support for him?

You could try CAMHS through your GP though the waiting lists are awful

@Meltinthemiddle really feel for you - DS23 started smoking skunk around about age 15 and fell in with a wild group of boys - DS was bright, popular but a HUGE risk taker - when he hit 19 I self referred to SS because his behaviour was aggressive and unpredictable and I have 2 younger daughters - SS told me to throw him out - he was mentally unwell and went from bad to worse - became increasingly paranoid and was eventually sectioned after a major psychotic episode (I was with him throughout - it was horrendous) - he was discharged too early, still unwell and ended up being arrested for messing around with explosives and carrying a knife - he was remanded for 15 months in 3 different prisons at the height of the pandemic and has emerged drug free, grown up and a totally different animal but, my God, it was a harsh lesson he learned and luckily he had a superb Judge who liked him, he behaved and survived in tough prisons and was only found guilty of the lesser offence - he is now landscaping and returning to music college in September (he is a brilliant musician).

There is light OP - I would question whether your son is using drugs or has an undiagnosed MH issue - No matter how unspeakably awful things get, stay in communication with him - when he isn’t engaging with you, make sure you reach out to him and let him know you are there for him.

DD18 is going to study Law in September - she is a straight A student and a lovely young lady - she was bloody dreadful at 14-16 and I am currently dealing with DD14 who is challenging also - some teens are tough but most come through it.

Keep talking to friends and seeking support - he will be ok one day! xxxx