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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I let my teenager be late for school. Nightmare in mornings.

28 replies

Seasthedaytoday · 15/03/2021 07:50

My ds 13, nearly 14 is really hard work in the mornings. Its exhausting by the time he is out the door. He goes to bed at a reasonable time but just can not get himself going it the morning. His alarm even at the loudest setting will not wake him. To just get him out it takes several times of me coaxing him out. He can't find anything in the mornings even though I check with him every evening that he has everything ready. There are always last minute dramas where he can't find his phone, glasses, suddenly needs the toilet. I end up saving him every morning and sometimes drive him, even though walking distance just so I save him from having a sanction. DH says he needs to learn and to let him be late but I feel my job as a parent is to make sure he isn't...I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
moomoogalicious · 15/03/2021 07:53

As a parent of 3 teens, yes. Especially as its walking distance!

Moondust001 · 15/03/2021 07:55

He is old enough to understand that actions have consequences, and so do inactions. Stop being over-protective.

BouquetsAndBalls · 15/03/2021 07:58

I've had this with my DD. After years of 'not being able' to get up and me running round like a fool fussing and driving her, I let her oversleep (I had warned her she needed to learn to get herself up).

She was late twice and then miraculously could then wake on time, organise herself and get to school on time.

Funny that...Grin

PurpleMustang · 15/03/2021 08:07

I let it slide as I know teens need loads of sleep and weird body clocks that they struggle to get up. But I have had enough of getting stressed out if they are up and being moaned at when I have to start getting arsey for them to attempt to wake up. Am treated like a snooze button. But no alarm is loud enough. Losing the will.....

Elieza · 15/03/2021 08:27

Is he actually going to sleep at 10pm or messing around on his phone?

Have a word with him along the lines of if you can’t get up in the morning you must need more sleep so things will need to change in the evenings.

I’d warn him that id be switching the WiFi off at 9pm in future and removing his phone overnight. As that will stop any use of blue light phones and games consoles using your household data plans. Make sure that there is a cap on spend in his mobile data and calls etc so he can’t run up a bill if he does come in and nick his phone back while you’re asleep.

The threat of that may be enough to wake him up a bit better or if you do it it may actually work if he’s up half the night on his phone under the covers when you think he’s asleep.

FamilyOfAliens · 15/03/2021 08:29

Is he happy at school OP?

Are his delaying tactics because he doesn’t want go in for some reason you’re unaware of?

autumnboys · 15/03/2021 08:32

I would let him feel the consequence of oversleeping. Warn him first.

ChameleonClara · 15/03/2021 08:35

You need to stop saving him. Tell him and the school that you are letting him take responsibility.

Either he is pissing about or he has a genuine issue (anxiety, bullying, lack of sleep etc) and you need to know which. Covering up for him won't help you find out.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 15/03/2021 08:39

He is old enough to understand that actions have consequences, and so do inactions.

This ⬆️

Electronic devices play a big part in teenagers having rubbish sleep and also being able to focus / prioritise more important things. I’d remove these from his room at night.

I would also let him be late and have to deal with the consequences. Better he sorts this now than in years to come when he has uni or a job to think about.

Oblomov21 · 15/03/2021 08:41

That should've been addressed before. why is he not been taught from an early age? even in primary, and the first year, year 7 of secondary to be organised. this is a basic life skill, which needs to be taught.

Our school secondary school specifically asked parents not to mollycoddle in cotton wool their children but to let them take responsibility for themselves. why have you not done this?

Teach them to get ready the night before. Clothes, glasses, make a packed lunch, anything they need extra i.e. football kit and it's all laid out ready.

and then you need to sit down and talk to him seriously about taking responsibility for his own actions.

Add a second alarm or something else that he gets up and does it all on his own.

and finally if it doesn't work then you need to teach him responsibility and the effects i.e. he will be late he will get detentions and if this is a problem you speak to the school and tell the school that this is the parenting that you're trying out at the moment and get them to work with you.

I can't believe this is been left until being a late team to address all these basic things.

Parentpower20 · 15/03/2021 08:41

I was like this as a teen. I had horrendous insomnia and also undiagnosed dyspraxia that made it feel impossible. I was miserable because I was so tired and keep losing things.

They aren’t doing it on purpose.My advice would be to be available for help in a certain window in the evening. Help them checklist what they need to be ready and encourage good sleep hygiene. Then you’re setting them up to win in the morning.
When I was ‘just left to learn’ I was just late the entire time and really stressed. So wouldn’t recommend that.
If it gives you hope I’m a regular grown up who has a job I’m not late for and children who have breakfast and get off to school Smile

JimmyJimmyJim · 15/03/2021 08:46

If he is struggling to wake up in the mornings then he isn't getting enough sleep. He needs to go to bed earlier.

I would tell him that you will not be running him to school so he needs to get organised the night before. Everything in place.

I would absolutely be taking his phone over night and tell him you will wake him in the morning. After that it is up to him to get to school on time.

My teens are 18 (yr13) and 15 (yr10) they are up by themselves at 6.30am. They are in bed and asleep by 10pm as they like not feeling like death in the mornings.

UserTwice · 15/03/2021 08:47

That should've been addressed before. why is he not been taught from an early age? even in primary, and the first year, year 7 of secondary to be organised. this is a basic life skill, which needs to be taught.

My children were ace at getting ready when they were younger. I don't think that's really relevant here.

OP - I think a lot of teens hate getting up in the morning, but I'd really just leave him to it. My DS gets up at 9.05 to leave the house at 9.15, to walk 18 minutes to get to school for a 9.30 start. Yes, we've all spotted the flaw in that statement re getting to school on time, and that he isn't doing more than throwing his clothes on and chucking water over his face in terms of getting ready. But I've taken myself out of the equation. There's no point me getting stressed about it. So I'd recommend you do that too and let him find his own way, even if it's not your way.

(Miraculously DS fast walks and is not late that often. He also seems to be more awake in the first lesson doing it this way).

StylishMummy · 15/03/2021 08:48

I'd wake him up by chucking an ice cold glass of water over him in the morning to wake him, then leaving him to his own devices

Parentpower20 · 15/03/2021 08:50

@StylishMummy

I'd wake him up by chucking an ice cold glass of water over him in the morning to wake him, then leaving him to his own devices
That’s abusive. I hope that was just a flippant remark not something you would really do.
RedGoldAndGreene · 15/03/2021 09:05

What's a reasonable time? Does he have his phone overnight? I'm wondering if he's not going straight to bed?

SnuggyBuggy · 15/03/2021 09:09

If he's not waking to a loud alarm then surely he's either not sleeping well or he's ill, that isn't normal. Does he have his phone at night?

Original poster
Seasthedaytoday · 15/03/2021 13:15

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet

He is old enough to understand that actions have consequences, and so do inactions.

This ⬆️

Electronic devices play a big part in teenagers having rubbish sleep and also being able to focus / prioritise more important things. I’d remove these from his room at night.

I would also let him be late and have to deal with the consequences. Better he sorts this now than in years to come when he has uni or a job to think about.

Yes he does take his phone in his room, I'm not aware that he is on it. But maybe he is!
OP posts:
toolatetofixate · 15/03/2021 13:21

For goodness sake, yes! Let him be late. Once they're at secondary school it's up to them.

He should be ironing his own uniform in the evenings and sorting himself out in the mornings. This is time to start getting ready for adulthood.

If you think the phone is an issue then set a new rule that phones go in a box or a cupboard somewhere until the morning. Think how this is affecting the rest of his day at school.

If he has completely unrestricted access to the internet etc. on his phone then you have a bigger problem on your hands than him being tired in the morning.

LeglessGiraffe · 15/03/2021 13:24

It might not be entirely his fault. When I was a teen my body clock seemed to reset itself and I was wide awake until about 2am then could easily have slept until 10am every day. Devices had nothing to do with it as I didn't even have a phone then. I would read books or write in my diary as trying to get to sleep as early as 10pm was a non-starter. Thankfully my body clock seemed to adjust when I was around 19-20yo, but apparently it's very common that this happens with teens and they're not just being lazy.
Obviously he can't just be late for school every day but if you can try to help him think of solutions that allow him to sleep in as late as he reasonably can then those might be most successful.

BaaHumbugg · 15/03/2021 13:32

We never had phones when I was younger, well not like they do now, and I still couldn't get up... some kids just struggle. My Mum used to let me be late and then when I got my first job she used to let me be late for that too, taught me a lesson but I still hate getting up in my 30's!

Hopefully a warning or something from school will make him do it for himself, sounds like you've done all you can do!

Hidinginstaircupboard · 15/03/2021 13:35

Yes, let him be late for school. Can you see if he's late on your school app?

My 13yo has consequences. If she's late to school, or I have to keep chasing her out of bed (getting stressed because she says she tired) her phone goes out that night at 10.30pm for a week until 6am the next morning- and I take it 15 mins earlier if it carries on,

I expect her to make packed lunch and prep her bag the night before. If she hasn't and is still awake (or not if she's out cold asleep by 9pm!) her phone goes off until she has done that if I have to ask her twice to do it (obvs not if she is midst game or activity in evening but tbh some minecraft games can go in endless hours)

peak2021 · 15/03/2021 14:48

Stop bailing him out, tell him and stick to it. Absolutely 100% no backing down. Worth the pain. You have your DHs support if you do this so no playing one parent off against the other.

A lesson for life, when he comes to the world of work, there are plenty of jobs where lateness will not be tolerated.

Frozenintime · 16/03/2021 22:28

Phone stays with you at bedtime. No phone upstairs. That will be an instant improvement

MoiraNotRuby · 16/03/2021 22:33

Bloody hell people are so mean about teens!!

They still need support and care and understanding. Especially in a pandemic. Teen body clocks are all over the place.

Keep trying OP but I wouldn't deliberately not help my child if I was able to. When you're a teen it often feels like the whole world is against you, its pretty shit if your parent refuses to give you a lift down the road.

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