DD 15 verbally and emotionally abusive toward me

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We are receiving help from the MAT team, we are having systemic family therapy.
Her behaviour has only changed since last August when she met her first boyfriend. She now regularly abuses me if she can’t have her own way about something. She will call me a f.... horrible c..t amongst other such words. She will be 16 in April. She will also threaten to kill herself if I don’t give in to her demands. Last weekend I had to take a knife off her. I feel that if my husband or work colleague was abusing me in this way then it would be taken seriously and dealt with. I’m now emotionally drained and I’m getting to the point (please don’t flame me) that I’m wanting her not to live with me anymore. I don’t know where she could go. I think temporary foster care won’t be an option for us. Has anyone reading been in a similar position and if so what did you do?

Has she ever been assessed for ADHD or ADD? I know that's not always the answer but my own volatile DD was diagnosed recently and it explains a lot.

What does she want her own way about? Is there a compromise to be had? Is the boy a bad influence? Is she still seeing him? Have you read any teenage parenting books which help you to communicate better with your teen?

No she hasn’t but that was something that I had thought about. How would I get her assessed, would it be through the GP?

At the moment the things that she is wanting is.... paper plates to eat off so that she doesn’t have to wash her own pots.
. During a school day she has to put her phone outside her bedroom at 10.30pm she can keep it in her room on weekends and school holidays.
. She wants to be allowed to go to her boyfriends birthday party tomorrow. Obviously it’s illegal at the moment. Yes she’s still seeing him. Her behaviour is always worse after seeing him. I’ve not read parenting books but I am having some input from her MAT worker.

What consequences does she get? Change WiFi password. Remove cash /laundry services..

I think she is reacting this way because I am being tough. I’ve cancelled her phone contract but because it’s an iPhone she can still use it at home when connected to the wifi. If her behaviour gets bad I will turn the wifi off. Her behaviour then changes from being verbally abusive to me to then screaming and crying... please can I have the wifi back on. When I don’t give in then she says that she wants to die and last weekend she got the knife pointed at herself crying hysterically, which went on for 2 hours. I didn’t give in.

Definitely look into to an add/adhd assessment. Go through the senco at school. And what do school say? Is her behaviour good?

I don’t actually expect my teenager to wash ‘pots’ I’m respectful and show my appreciation if he does anything helpful no matter how small. Do you encourage her? How’s her self esteem?

I’m don’t ‘lay down the law’ - you can’t anymore - she’s almost an adult.

I understand it must be very hurtful to be called names. You need to have an extremely thick skin and not take it personally. Do you have nurturing friends you can talk to?

I’d let her go to her boyfriends party - if she gets into trouble let her face the consequences. I also actually think the phone rule is too antagonistic. She’s almost 16.

These outbursts she has will be exhausting and very upsetting for her. She might seem all tough but inside she’s a confused mess and your position is authoritarian and ‘firm’.

I’m pretty sure she feels huge guilt for what’s she said too.

Love bomb her. 💐

I don’t expect her to wash all the pots but I do expect her to wash the collection that she has in her bedroom.
We have always had a brilliant relationship up until recently. Never had any problems with her behaviour at all, she’s always been a delight. This is one reason why I’m finding it all so difficult to understand.
I’ll speak to the senco on Monday, or I could see if there is an email for them. Thank you for that advice.

A massive change in behaviour like this is worrying. How is the relationship with the boyfriend? Is he nice or is it possible that she is experiencing abuse from him and doesn’t know how to to cope with it?

You are her support system. When kids are crying out for help they often turn in the people they know won’t leave them because it is the only place they can let go.

Be firm with your boundaries but be there for her. Lots of ‘I love you. Please don’t speak it me on that way.’

Teenagers are still kids. They want to security at home but also wings to fly and those two desires often conflict.

I think you are doing an amazing job parenting a troubled teen, and you really can’t underestimate how much good you are actually doing.
Yes your Dd’s actions and decisions have been poor and yes she will not thank you for keeping fair boundaries, especially when she is still working on growing up, which sucks, but she is not at all able to be calm about not being able to feel free to be together with her current romantic relationship. This difficult stage will move on and in time she will mature emotionally and with your guidance, will learn to cope better with peer pressures and making less poor choices, though not without much heartache and frustration along the way.
Although the push to be together with her boyfriend is strong, relationships often fail during teens, and who knows, a year from this time, she may hopefully pull her head in more, especially if she has moved on from current boyfriend if he is a destructive influence.

Hang in there, don’t react to her verbal abuse. Don’t get angry, refuse to give her that power. Let it go over your head and keep standing firm when you need to, along with showing some flexiblity when you can safely do so.

I don’t think you should make your daughter homeless because of her poor choices and verbal abuse but I can understand your great sadness and that you can’t live with this situation either.

You can’t change how she is behaving right now but you can change how you react, and you can choose to leave when you are upset and refuse to react with anger or engage in her silly arguments. Not sure if this is of any relevance for you, as you may already avoid engaging in too many arguments, but sometimes focusing on disengaging and being more detached can help to reduce some of teens worst behaviour.

A lot of teens go through the ‘f you’ stage when their massively increased hormones result in a strong push to take risks and follow their peers or boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s risk taking behaviour.

Hope you have a better day today

Your boundaries seem reasonable. Continue to enforce them. My DD's behaviour also changed dramatically when she met a boy last autumn. Maybr it us a chicken and egg situation. Did her hormones make her fall for z boy or did her falling for a boy trigger her behaviour. Hard to tell. Since then she has been rebelling in one form or another. I read a couple of teenage books, the best one being 'How yo talk so teens listen and how to listen so teens talk' I've also avidly taken in all mumsnet advice on the teenage boards. It has had a huge impact in the way we react to her and how we talk to her to get her to express herself and discuss our concerns.
Basically, your authority at this age loses it's effectiveness and she has to be on board with anything you want her to do for her to comply. Compromise, discussion and even writing down these compromises/rules that she agrees to.
Above all stay calm and choose your moments very carefully when you want to address an issue. Never address an issue I the moment. Log her monthly cycle to see if the outbursts have a pattern. If its hormonal, can you buy her vitamins for PMT?

Thank you. Some of these replies are making me cry! I have now emailed school regarding getting an assessment done. I’ll re read this thread and take on board everything that has been said, thank you so much.

The boyfriend has been the major factor. She met him in August. He’s a year older and is at college, my dd is in year 11. After 3 weeks of being together they had sex in our house whilst I was in the next room. I only found out because I questioned why there was blood all over her skirt. I have resented him since then which hasn’t helped. She’s totally in love and anything that gets in the way e.g unplugging the wifi etc she can’t cope with.

Find every tiny reason to give her praise and encouragement. Do nice things for her, make her a cup of tea, buy her her favourite chocolate bar.
Refrain from criticism, she might be lashing out because she feels unlovable and she feels you don't like her very much. This might be true at the moment but you have to fake it until you make it. I was at the point that I wanted to leave home. My once adoring daughter had turned into a sullen, moody hateful teen and it was so exhausting and painful. It's not perfect but for the time being the love and laughter has returned and we see glimpses of it a few days before her period but I've learned to love bomb and leave any issues that need discussing until she is feeling more reasonable again.

She has learnt that she can press your buttons to get a reaction. When she is doing all this - What is it that you do / act ?
What do you think would happen if you didn't engage / ignored that behaviour ?

Ok I will try that. This afternoon she’s going to meet her boyfriend at his park. I know that really she’ll be going to his house. I had said that I will be going round to the house later to make his mum aware that she’s not allowed in the house. Is this the wrong thing to do? A couple of months ago she had gone round there and I knocked on the door and his mum denied that my dd was in the house. I said that I knew that she was there because the tracker said so. She still denied it until I told her that I would call the police. A few moments later my dd walked out of the house.

For example she’ll come into my room at 10.30pm an calmly ask if she can keep her phone all night. I’ll calmly explain the reasons why. She will then continue to ask the same question over and over and over again until it gets to the point where I tell her to go away. It then becomes verbally abusive from her because I’m not giving in to her.

I've just read your post with more info about the boyfriend. I can totally understand where you are coming from. The more we objected the more she turned on us. It was very hard to see her love transferred from us to him. My DD is younger than yours and I am not comfortable about her having a boyfriend but I have accepted that these feelings are real and accept that it is her first love/crush. You need to tread carefully and I think cutting off their connection (wifi) will back fire.

The wifi does get switched back on in the morning

You need to get his parents on board. It was wrong of them to say she wasn't there. I would maybe meet the mum for a talk to calmly express your concerns that they have become physical even though your DD is underage. I don't think you can stop her when she us 16 so you need to make sure that they are safe and being sensible. It would be nice if you can work with his parents to ensure this happens. Can you invite him to yours to get to know him?

As for the bed time rule. Have you explained that all the experts recommend teens need 9-11 hours sleep a night and not getting enough sleep will be bad for her mental health. That you are not enforcing this to be awkward but because you are a loving parent who cares for the well being of their child and by not having fair boundaries you would be a bad parent.

Your daughter sounds very much like mine was. Honestly, so similar.
We are coming out the other side now and she feels like my daughter again. For a time I felt she was lost to me and our relationship would never recover.
I also think my daughter is on the ASD spectrum. We had an emergency CAMHS appointment but we did not seek assessment in the end as my daughter chose not to. But I think from what I have learned about the condition, she probably is on the spectrum.

Hang in there. It will get better. What helped for us was we got her counselling. She has probably had counselling for around 18 months but worth every penny. We luckily had BUPA cover which paid for some of it. Counselling (CBT) gave her an outlet and a private space to really talk and develop coping strategies. Now, she has a 'calm box' in her room with sensory objects in and different types of lighting. So she has learnt to self regulate and stop herself to the point where she is just totally overwhelmed. I know there are also online counselling services which can be accessed.

Also, definitely worth looking into your daughter going on the pill. This has helped my daughter's hormones level out and has made a difference. She will say it has too. Less extremes of emotion.

Keep reminding your daughter how much you love her. I'm sure you are but I really don't think they can hear it enough. Grab any opportunity you can when she is regulated to do stuff you would both enjoy - go for a coffee, watch a film. Anything to keep lines of communication open.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. I felt like an utter failure and genuinely felt frightened of my daughter at times. It will get better. Keep asking yourself what is behind her behaviour, this helped me to try and understand her.

Someone told me once that girls, who are possibly ASD, have a form of PTSD when they are teenagers due to the sheer exhaustion of masking and fitting into a society which is difficult to navigate. This really resonated with me and I think describes what my daughter went through.

My daughter will now openly say she doesn't know how I put up with her. I do think they push the one they love most because they know you are not going to stop loving them, you are their safety net. Hang in there.

@Watchingpaintdryagain

You need to get his parents on board. It was wrong of them to say she wasn't there. I would maybe meet the mum for a talk to calmly express your concerns that they have become physical even though your DD is underage. I don't think you can stop her when she us 16 so you need to make sure that they are safe and being sensible. It would be nice if you can work with his parents to ensure this happens. Can you invite him to yours to get to know him?

Exactly! They would certainly need to be getting involved if he gets DD pregnant!