Sneaking electronics and lying

[helpmabobby]

Not sure what to do.

This is the third time in a month my 15 year old has tried to trick me when handing in his laptop at night. He sneaks me his brother’s old one and hopes I don’t notice.

He needs it for school tomorrow.

When school is finished, he spends a huge amount of time on it. Watching Netflix, YouTube, gaming. Might meet up with a friend for a quick walk but that’s it. Refuses to come out in a walk with me.

The last time he got caught I confiscated it for a day.

Not sure what’s best to do? He’s in gcse year and feeling the pressure of everything so I have gone easier on him than I normally would...He doesn’t game on the PlayStation at the moment, it’s all laptop and phone.

Any advice welcome. Be gentle please!

Is he keeping his grades up at school in courseworks etc?

@LouiseTrees mixed bag. It’s hard to know as we’ve not had much feedback in lockdown. He’s passing everything except Biology. Doing well in Maths (grade 8/9)

It is hard. This generation is tech-obsessed and at the same time, victim of the addiction the devices and their contents generate. The more you watch, the more you're hooked and the least you would do anything else.

The way we solved it in our house, is not tech in bedrooms. All school work is done at our very big dining table.
We have only 1 tv in a lounge in an open space and this is easy to control. After school work is done and some reading, they can watch a show, but not locked in bedrooms and no gaming with friends during school days.

But gaming is not really an issue. It is the constant cascade from one tiktok or YouTube video to another, the need to more excitement, so you start a video, show, and if not catching enough, you drop and move.

School / life is never going to be able to compete with that excitement, so the only joy is in this constant urge .

It is really hard. They have their own world, community, ideology and they don't even realise how fake the majority of it is or how damaging it is to them

We have newspapers in the house, while I cook, I ask one of the kids to read an article to me and then we chat about it. I try to keep them in the real world.

I would suggest you tell him you understand how captivating the internet is to him, but the fact that he can't easily go without is proof that there needs to be more balance, so he needs to find an interest or one activity.

Lockdowns of course just make abstinence from tech extremely difficult

Cormoron the newspaper idea is great

Thanks @Cormoran good advice. It’s hard as we both have full on jobs too.

He just gets soooooo angry if we try and impose any “control” on him. I did shout at him tonight and call him a liar so not my finest hour. I think I’ll take them off him tomorrow and maybe Saturday and then try to find a better balance.

The current problem is he’s been “doing a Macbeth essay” for about 3 days that requires internet access as there’s stuff on Teams he needs to look at. He’s dyslexic so types up all his work. It’s so hard to police when he’s up in his room. We’re both working so can’t be checking up on him.

I’m oh, I can totally feel and share your pain.

We, the parents, don’t fight against our children but against the finest minds of the media and tech companies who invest millions on how to keep them hooked .

We can’t compete on their rules so we need to offer alternatives like the paper version of a newspaper or lure them in the world of Dungeons & Dragons ( who just made a video game !!! Shit)

They do need the internet for school and that’s a fact.
Being a parent is having battles. When they are kids it is about balance between health food and crap , and when teen , it is between tec world and no tec

@helpmabobby
My son is much younger than yours and I’m struggling with screen time battles. So I feel your pain.

@Cormoran That’s such good advice there, regarding having newspapers. I can’t remember the last time I bought a newspaper, so will definitely pick some up during the next shop. As don’t think popping into the local newsagents for a paper is essential shopping. 😊

@FrostyDay addiction starts younger. Whenever I see toddlers in prams too young to walk but holding a phone in cafe and shops.
Children also learn by coping their parents, and so many push a pram with one hand while holding a phone with the other. Makes me shudder.

Keeping books as a normal part of life is really important. A globe, a deck of cards, some classic boardgames, ordering photos prints and putting the children in charge of gluing them in albums, ... you need to fill the time with non-tech, but it requires time and energy.

@helpmabobby would you have space in the house to set up a desk for him to study so that it is not his room? And don't worry about yelling. You were just being honest and showing your feelings and how frustrated you were. He lied so being calling him liar wasn't an insult, but a fact.

It is so hard. I appreciate all the good from internet - I am in Australia , family in Europe, we FaceTime every day - but the way it absorbs the core of teens at the expenses of everything else.... Maybe I am Don Quixote and disconnected from the real world

One of the main reasons that I divorced was that my xh genuinely couldn't tell the difference between his real life and cyber space commitments. This terrifies me too op.

I'm finding this so hard. DS (14) has recently told us he is very down and had a self harm attempt. In his first session with school therapist he said he sometimes feels suicidal.

They agreed on an emergency plan and that includes contacting a friend or helpline if he's struggling.

He had snuck his phone into his room last night at 1am, I went in to se if he was ok and he said he needed to message his friends. I didn't know what to do.

A sleepless night for me followed. I'm wracked with indecision and confusion.

@Chaotic45 so sorry to hear this. I would still be tempted to try to keep his phone at night. Can you get him out for some exercise during the day and a good bedtime routine? That way he may sleep better.

It’s such a delicate balance. Sleep is so important for well being though.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I’m going to speak to him after school. There will be a punishment for the lying and we’ll need to make some rules going forward. A reboot. I’m wracking my brains trying to think of activities for him. He’s doing DoE so could continue his skill which is singing (I’ll see if the teacher can do that online). Also golf - driving range. Get out with a friend to walk to the local shop for sweets. I love the newspaper idea too. I may load up an old phone with audio books/podcasts so he can listen to those (he prefers not to read due to his dyslexia).

My other son seems so much more full of beans. He’s sporty so has been doing that, getting out more, cooking, engaged in school work.

My elder son is natural an introvert and doesn’t want to spend (too much) time with us. Having said that we had an amazing discussion at dinner last night about a new planet they’ve discovered and then he started talking about god and religion and the roots of Christianity - very deep! He was really animated and interesting.

@Chaotic45
I’m sorry to hear you and your son are going through this. 💐
Is your son currently attending school? If not, attending for two days a week might help as it gives him a chance to spend some time with people his age. Speak to the schools pastoral team, they can give you advice and support. x

My ds is younger, but I can really relate to the 'argument over tech and once it blows over, they come alive' scenario.

I think most children really don't like lying and being sneaky and, after the initial explosion, they feel relieved that they've been found out.

Can you come to an agreement re: when and amount of time he spends on tech for leisure ie gaming, Netflix etc?

And yes sleep is vitally important, that should be a priority for everyone.

Do you mean you are worried he is staying up too late in laptop or phone?

I don’t limit 15 year old here but he goes to sleep now at a good time. He does exercise off own steam and has breaks. I also let him stay in his own room for school and homework. It’s comfortable and quiet.

He’s studying well though so not being too distracted so I’m not worried about that part

What are your main concerns?

Cormoran I see the phone pram thing but if the child is facing forwards they can’t see it? Or do you mean if facing other way, or more generally worried about seeing phones

Adult looking at it I mean.

Not child

@MarshaBradyo main concerns are the lying and trying to trick me followed by the amount of screen time and lack of much else or motivation to do much else.

It’s a hard one because you’re in a battle

I don’t bother asking for tech anymore for 15 yr old although did a year or so ago with phone and night

If you can get to a place where you don’t have to take it and him not lie - maybe by negotiation and compromise

@MarshaBradyo there’s no self regulation that’s the problem. No desire to do anything else. I think I’m going to need to enforce it. I will speak to him after school and try to do it with empathy. He just flies off the handle. His focus is poor too and I think it’s screens.

I agree it’s the self regulation you’re after. Once you get that he won’t need to lie nor you limit.

It’s a really hard one especially atm with school online too and other activities cancelled. Good luck with talk

Managed a fairly low key chat. More about having screen breaks. He fairly happily left his laptop upstairs and had lunch with us. We had a laugh and I have booked us into the golf driving range tomorrow. I think we’ll just try to insert a few break in here and there without making a big fuss about it. He admitted he had a sore head from screens and we talked about how it affects focus. So it was a good discussion. Going in with humour seems to work well with him.

Get rid of the old one, or at least put it somewhere he can't get at, so he can't try and trick you like that.

At 15, particularly boys I find, young people aren't really mature enough to manage their own time with regards to electronics etc. They need a firm hand to make sure they're not just staying up all night playing games.

Be tough. It's for his benefit at the end of the day.

I have teen sons, Friday night is their night to cook dinner together for everyone. Tonight is Thai green chicken curry.

We have always included them in meal prep or just being in the kitchen whilst dinner is being made so they are used to it. They come off their devices and into the kitchen at a set time. I have one who sits at the breakfast bar (almost 15) and another who paces (drives me mad with it, almost 18) and we all just chat or sing to music. But it gets them off their devices and they can chop and stir stuff whilst they are there. We make them sous chefs for the evening.

As everyone is at home, lunch is spent watching a news show on YouTube, covers industry, a bit of celebrity, politics and world events. But we are all together in the lounge.

The children have what was the playroom as a place for all their tech. Homeschooling is done in there. No one has a tv in their room. They no longer hand over their phones but previously I have said if you need an intervention tell me and I will take them. They are definitely not on their phones at night. They cannot sneak downstairs as the alarm is set and we would wake to it beeping before they press the very loud keypad.

Ds is also in IT and although my children are smart, they cannot outsmart Dh. Me? Definitely, not Dh.

I think also reminding teens that it isn't all about what they want. Point out that you have sat through (name a really shit tv show they loved) or remind them about the times they talked about (insert inane computer game or thing they were into) that you did lots of stuff for them because you love them. It is a two way street. My teens completely get that I was once a teen too, not born an adult.

If you haven't already seen The Social Dilemma on Netflix it is well worth watching, especially with teens.