Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lazy 13 yo at home

28 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 13:43

My eldest is being ridiculous. I share parenting 50/50 with my ex-husband. I have two other kids age 10 and 7 months (baby with fiancé). My eldest says that it is my job as a parent to prepare all of his meals and bring him tea while he is working from home. It's what happens at his dad's (his dad's gf waits on them all hand and foot as that's "her job."
AIBU here?

OP posts:
reallyisthisallthereis · 20/01/2021 14:20

Nope, you are not being unreasonable at all

JiltedJohnsJulie · 20/01/2021 16:33

Does he mean while he's doing school work? Do you all sit together for your main meal or is he sting in his room?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 16:39

@JiltedJohnsJulie Yes always. The whole family do. He told me today at 12.10 to get his lunch ("lazy bitch"). I told him he was capable of fetching a sandwich. I was feeding baby. So he calls his dad and says I'm being neglectful.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 20/01/2021 16:40

Yes always. The whole family do. He told me today at 12.10 to get his lunch ("lazy bitch"). I told him he was capable of fetching a sandwich. I was feeding baby. So he calls his dad and says I'm being neglectful.

Wow, just wow!

What did your ex say to him?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 16:42

@JiltedJohnsJulie Ex hates me and is applying for more custody. So he agreed and said I was a lazy bitch and letting him go hungry.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 20/01/2021 16:59

That is so difficult for you. I'd try and have a calm chat with him, preferably when your DF has the baby.

Explain that there are different rules in different homes. Tell explain that the baby was hungry too but the baby can't feed itself, whereas he's a teen and can manage to feed himself.

I'd also have a chat about calling his Dad if he's unhappy with what's going on at home. Make it clear that he is allowed to talk to his DF but telling tales on you every time he's unhappy with something you say is more like the behaviour of a 5 year old. You want him to start acting like the young man he's turning into.

I'd also consider punishing him for calling you a Bitch too.

RedskyBynight · 20/01/2021 17:07

Explain that there are different rules in different homes.

There are no houses where a 13 year old calling his mother a "lazy bitch" is acceptable.

I'm wondering if he is feeling pushed out by the baby, in which case telling him you are not doing things because you are focusing on the baby is a bad idea. My teens are getting their own breakfast and lunch at the moment. This is sold to them as a good thing because they get to pick when and what they eat. Occasionally I'll make a more exciting lunch and I'll make it for everyone. What does the 10 year old do? Assume he is getting his own food?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 17:14

@RedskyBynight Nope, neither of them will. They don't have to at dad's because his gf does it for them all because (and I quote) "The job of a man is to go out to work, the job of a woman is to look after everybody in the house and do the housework."

OP posts:
Glendaruel · 20/01/2021 17:29

Lol, can see why he is your ex!! Your approach is raising your son for the modern world, not the 1950s.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 20/01/2021 17:37

WTAF.
Cheeky shit. I'd be raging

Let him stave the little fucker. Has he always spoken to you like that?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 17:44

@wishywashywoowoo70 It has got worse since the split seven years ago. My ex speaks to women like that so it's not surprising really. Son also calls my OH (who works in adult social care) a "Skint arse-wiper" and says why the hell am I with a man that can't afford for me to stay at home and do the woman work?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 17:45

Son is being assessed (privately) for ASD I should add.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 20/01/2021 18:01

He'd be sitting in his room a long time before I'd wait on him. Let him go hungry until he can speak to you in a civilised manner.
It must be heartbreaking to have a child like this. I don't know what you can do when your ex undermines you, other than to reiterate that such behaviour will get him nowhere when he's with you. Is there anything you can confiscate/cancel that he values?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 18:16

@katy1213 I'm not "allowed" to take his phone as he is permitted to contact his dad whenever he likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 18:17

He sits in his room pretty much all day anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 18:17

Maybe I deserve it?

OP posts:
katy1213 · 20/01/2021 18:20

Not allowed by whom?

ineedaholidaynow · 20/01/2021 18:21

What did you say to him when he called you a 'lazy bitch'?

marshmallowfluffy · 20/01/2021 18:21

Yanbu. Shocking behaviour

He'd be expected to cook dinner once a week and sort out his own lunch here.

itsgettingweird · 20/01/2021 18:25

When at school who made his packed lunch?

If it was him just remind him of that. Same rules. You don't make lunch you don't have it.

If you did you need to make this a permanent rule change.

As for calling you a lazy bitch.

I'd call his bluff. Say you are as as a lazy bitch you won't be doing his washing and food etc from now on.

My ds has asd and I always found behaving in the way he described me behaving made him re think what he was saying.

ScrapThatThen · 20/01/2021 18:33

You deserve respect and he deserves a better father. However in an imperfect world, lay down the law to him, explain that the world doesn't revolve around men and if he is going to be a decent husband and father unlike his own then he will need to learn some independent skills and how to win friends and influence people rather than insult them.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 20/01/2021 18:44

Obviously I didn't mean calling his mum a lazy bitch was acceptable. Did I really need to explain that?

OP who doesn't allow you to take his phone? You can disciple him in a reasonable way when he's in your care.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 20/01/2021 18:51

In your home, your son follows your rules and should adhere to your expectations. Of course he should make his own lunch if that's what you expect him to do, he is a teenager now.

As for this 'lazy bitch' remark, shape your son into the man you want him to be. He most likely said this because this is the sort of remark his dad uses. Do all you can to stop him turning out like his dad. Reinforce speaking to someone like this, especially your mother, is completely wrong and unacceptable. Give him responsibilities.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 20/01/2021 19:39

Thanks all. Because the courts ruled 50/50 7 years ago I fear the damage had already been done. He is very much like his father. I've spent a lot of today in my room with baby because I'm tired of the abuse and terrified it's going to escalate again.
Maybe I do deserve it for leaving a on abusive narc - I should have realised these would be the dire consequences.
Every time I set rules they are undermined and I am painted as the bad guy.
It's only going to get worse if ex is awarded more custody.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 20/01/2021 21:52

Thanks all. Because the courts ruled 50/50 7 years ago I fear the damage had already been done. He is very much like his father. I've spent a lot of today in my room with baby because I'm tired of the abuse and terrified it's going to escalate again

I think you need to sit down with your DP and talk about how you're both going to deal with this together.

He shouldn't be disrespectful to you or your DP and neither of you should be scared of pulling him up on it if he is.

How is your Ex's application going through the Court? How much time does he want?