Really struggling with dd

[HamnetandJudith]

Dd is almost 15 and she has been self harming and having suicidal ideation for the past year. She is being supported by CAMHS. She can veer from being very giddy and high to being very low and hostile. Sometimes she wants to spend time with me and have a hug and at other times she pushes me away and is hostile, saying she hates me and wants me to die.

She can be very angry with me and today she climbed on to the bathroom window ledge and dangled her feet over the edge. Nothing prompted it and she got down when I said I would have to call the police.

I feel like a failure and I don’t know how to help her. I’m trying to work full time as a teacher while all this is going on and I just feel at breaking point. I told DH (not her dad) that I feel like crap and he didn’t reply . I feel really alone and like I’m making/have made such a mess of being a mum.

I’m so sorry to hear that OP. I have a 13 year old DD who is up and down too (although we haven’t gone the CAMHS route yet) and it is exhausting. I am trying to take the rough with the smooth and each day as it comes. You need support from DH - can you come together to work out how you handle day to day? Does she have a relationship with her Dad? Have things got worse for her since schools been out? Do you or your DD have any other support from friends? I found a weight lifted when I confided in a friend.

By the way - you are not a failure! No one gave us a textbook on how to be a parent and it’s bloody tough at the best of times

You are NOT making a mess of being a mum op. Teens can be very up and down in their moods. It's entirely normal. And you are there with her. Of course all emotions are heightened atm during this pandemic which has hit teens really hard and added to everyone's stress and anxiety.

Someone recommended me the book Untangled on raising teenage girls by Lisa Damour. I found it very helpful.

I would try and spend as much one on one time with your dd as you can, just doing silly things ; I've tried battle ships, learning to weave and origami and Chinese painting, Japanese cooking with mine. Tell her all the time that you love her (teens assume everyone is against them) and tell her how much you enjoy her company. Try and get a bit of positivity going in your interactions with her, so it's not characterised by stress and worry all the time.

While you are doing these things, talk to her about the future. Remind her of all the exciting things that adults get to do like travelling, driving, earning money. Talk to her about what she would like to do. Keep the hope going. Sympathise but be positive. It's very difficult but don't follow her too far down the rabbit hole of anxiety and depression even though you will feel really anxious about her. They need us to be a rock of stability and calm that they can hang on to and I find that my teen sometimes mirrors my moods and activity levels to a frightening degree. Hard though it is, we need to provide a good role model, acknowledging the stress of the current situation but demonstrating good strategies for self care and self motivation etc.

Good luck

Sorry that all sounded a bit "easier said than done". Teens often are angry with those they love the most. It's an entirely normal part of separating themselves off from you. The more attached they are, the harder it is.

The previous poster is right about getting some support for yourself, especially if your oh isn't sympathetic.

Such good advice from Shameful Corners.
So sorry you’re going through this - it’s the hardest thing. Keeping them on an even keel, staying calm, being their rock, ensuring they get enough sleep and good food and try and make some exercise fun. It’s about all we can do.
Good luck and try not to blame yourself. X

Thank you - some really good advice. CAMHS are involved because she took 12 paracetamol and she was assessed after an A and E stay. They have suggested DBT. Lockdown has made things worse and she became nocturnal for a while. I’ve worked hard at sorting her sleep patterns out and that’s improved.
She sees her dad regularly. That’s hard too as he is a carer for his elderly mum after grandad died of Covid late last year. He has a girlfriend and dd but he isn’t living with them as he’s moved in to look after his mum, so she stays there sometimes. She feels she can’t talk to dad the way she talks to me.

She is angry because she looked through my phone (I lent it to her to complete some schoolwork) and went through all my messages and found one where I had told her dad about her self harming. I had told her I wouldn’t tell him but then felt I had a duty of care as she was staying over. In retrospect I should never have promised not to tell her dad. She feels I betrayed her.

She’s also angry that I live with DH and she preferred it when it was just us and her brother and sister. She’s become hostile to DH which I know he finds hard, but my priority is her and keeping her safe. She was originally really happy about the move and the wedding - I would never have moved otherwise.

Dashing because running late tonight but just wanted to say it's great that she can talk to you op. Definitely step up the one on one time if she is hostile to your dh. But maybe he could do some one on one things with her as well? (Invent a driving errand to collect "something" - music of her choice on radio - with a stop off at the golden arches on the way home?)

You were quite right to tell your ex about the self harm. Don't apologise for that but do apologise for promising something you couldn't deliver. Tell her that different rules apply if she is in danger. Tell her even professional counsellors who stick to strict confidentiality rules are obliged by law to break them if they think their clients are about to endanger themselves or others. Be quite clear that you will call for support again if you have to.

Young Minds emergency support resources:
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/get-urgent-help/
but the rest of the website contains some good info about self harming and other teen issues.

One final thought: have you thought of getting a pet if you haven't got one already? It's one more thing on your plate when you are already stretched (it's always us that ends up looking after them) but our youngest dog has been a great companion (and distraction) to our 17 yr old DC under lockdown.

Thank you - I will suggest DH does something nice with her. He’s said he’s being trying to detach a bit because she’s been so hostile, but I don’t think that’s the right approach. We have two dogs - she likes our big dog who has the most soulful eyes and a real affinity with humans.

When she dangled her legs out the window, DH did get through to the police who took his details to log an incident, though she got down and we didn’t need to take it further. I’m now panicking that they will report it to social services who might think I’m doing a bad job parenting her. I think some of this might be anxiety talking.

I wouldn't worry op, I'm sure someone with more expertise will come along to advise, but I very much doubt ss would be called on the strength of that call, particularly in current circumstances with C-19 and the stress teens are under. But even if they were, you would have nothing to worry about, because you are obviously a concerned parent. Try not to worry

I love the sound of your big dog btw!

They didn’t take dd’s details either - just DH’s to log the call. We are being supported by CAMHS, so it’s not like I’m not seeking help for her. This is our gorgeous big dog. She is a good support.

Ah op , he looks like a big teddy bear

The police came today to do a welfare check. They were really nice and just wanted to find out what had happened. They said they would file a report that would be passed on to CAMHS but that it was nothing to worry about. They also reassured me that she can go outside for a walk as much as she likes if that helps her.

DH thinks that dd engages in these behaviours when she is trying to manipulate me and I need to put in stronger boundaries.

Op we have a dd 14 waiting for CAMHs, made a failed suicide attempt, very lucky it didn't work. Dd can veer between low and sullen then hyper and happy. It's exhausting and she doesn't seem to realise what devastation her actions would have caused.

We had blood tests done at a and e followed by further tests at GP, dd diagnosed with coeliac disease meaning her iron and vit d levels (in turn linked to SAD /Depression) are on the floor. Got some string iron supplements and v high vit d doses while we start a gluten /wheat free eating way of life... Is this avenue a possibility to explore?

Sorry to hear you are going through this. We had bloods done at A and E, but no further tests. I could mention this to the GP.

I would appreciate any further advice. What DH said about me not being strict enough has upset me too.

In a similar situation with my DD13 so you have my utmost sympathy

So far we have banned all social media, she has started counselling, taken up yoga, and is taking vitamin D and saffron supplements. Too early to tell if it is having an effect but I am cautiously hopeful!

Please feel free to message me if you need a listening ear

Hello OP! I think it’s so so so important to remember that she is a person too! She feels thing just as complexly as you do. Another thing I feel I ought to point out is that as much as mood swings in teenagers are normal what your DD is going through isn’t, and recognising this will be validating for her and helpful from your perspective. CAMHS is a wonderful service but massively underfunded! If you could afford private treatment that may be massively beneficial for you and DD as there won’t be so many year long waits just to be put on more waiting lists! Of course I am no one to judge what financial situation you are in as we have all taken a hit with the pandemic. This was just my tup’pance.
Sending lots of hugs

She is seeing CAMHS weekly and we were seen as a priority so no waiting list really.

They don’t really like to mix therapy either, so I think we will be best sticking with the DBT offered by CAMHS before seeking private help if necessary.

It’s wonderful that she is being seen weekly! I’m so glad to hear that! Xx

I just hope it works. It’s really hard because she is hostile as well and can be verbally abusive towards DH in particular. He thinks I need to be stricter with her, but I’m terrified of causing an emotional spiral that then leads to self harm. I don’t know how to navigate this. She’s at her dads for a few days and while she says she can’t talk to him like she talks to me, she also behaves well for him and doesn’t seem to have the outbursts she has here.

I feel completely out of my depth and overwhelmed. I’m barely talking to DH, I can’t concentrate on work and I’m in tears all the time. I don’t know how to be a good mum to her.

It’s so hard parenting a child that is behaving hostile towards you. Remember it isn’t your fault. If she’s at your house more often that’s probably why she is less hostile with her father as it’s a different environment where she is less often. In regards to DH I am so sorry he is being like this. Have your tried to sit him down and have a conversation with him? Recognise that it’s hard for him as it isn’t his child but also point out that his reactions haven’t been very helpful. You two are a team and so you have to work together especially is DD is at yours more often. I know it’s very challenging but just keep trying to be kind to her, she is obviously struggling a lot. If she comes to you listen without judgement and try not to give her unhelpful advice. I’m sure you have heard this all before but keep going. Being kind is probably the most important thing and make sure she knows you love her. A massive part of feeling suicidal is feeling like a burden so if you have a conversation with DH say something about that as who knows maybe that’s something that would help her.
I hope your week goes well hugs 🤗

Another thing I forgot to add is that there are so many recourse for parents who have children who are struggling I’ll find you a link for some x

Here’s a link to the young minds website page for parents there’s a phone number for advice and support youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/#parents-helpline . I am so sorry if I’m just repeating what other people have already said to you.
Sending hugs 🤗