Really struggling with dd

[HamnetandJudith]

Dd is almost 15 and she has been self harming and having suicidal ideation for the past year. She is being supported by CAMHS. She can veer from being very giddy and high to being very low and hostile. Sometimes she wants to spend time with me and have a hug and at other times she pushes me away and is hostile, saying she hates me and wants me to die.

She can be very angry with me and today she climbed on to the bathroom window ledge and dangled her feet over the edge. Nothing prompted it and she got down when I said I would have to call the police.

I feel like a failure and I don’t know how to help her. I’m trying to work full time as a teacher while all this is going on and I just feel at breaking point. I told DH (not her dad) that I feel like crap and he didn’t reply . I feel really alone and like I’m making/have made such a mess of being a mum.

Thank you, that’s really helpful. DH feels that some of her behaviour is to manipulate me - she dangled her legs out of the window when I was trying to get her to get ready for her dad’s and she took paracetamol because I confiscated her phone. CAMHS advised that I pick my battles at the moment and so I’ve been trying to ignore rudeness and give her lots of love. DH has said it’s hard for him because of how hostile she is but I’ve tried to explain that it is so much harder for me at the moment.

I will ring the parenting helpline and ask for some advice later on as well. I was so upset as DH was trying to give practical advice but his focus was on her behaviour, where I want to get her better. He suggested pulling the sheets off her to get her up in the morning. I think a physical altercation like that would not work at all! I’ve been trying to get her to exercise, go for walks etc. Her dad is strict with her, but she doesn’t react badly when he does it - she does with me. It’s just not my way of dealing with this. Maybe I am wrong though.

Just bumping this. I really appreciate any responses and thank you for all the support so far. I feel alone dealing with this and as if I’m making so many mistakes.

Being strict obviously isn’t the best way to deal with it as you know. I think encouraging her to go out for walks either with you or without you is a great idea. I don’t think it’s to manipulate you I think she just doesn’t feel listened to or seen in a way? It’s so so hard on you as her primary caregiver! Has she always been hostile towards DH or is it a recent thing?
Things like pulling her sheets off I completely agree with you! They aren’t helpful! If getting her out of bed is a problem perhaps going in and opening her curtains slightly may be a more helpful and less angering approach.

Please remember that you aren’t alone! There are so many wonderful support groups that are still meeting online (I would take a quick google for your local area) for parents who are dealing with the same things. Please please please remember that you are doing the best you can and this isn’t your fault! You aren’t a bad parent, in fact you are a wonderful parent! You have done the right thing and turned to the professionals and your daughter is still alive! I know it’s scary but please don’t feel like you have to suffer in silence the helpline is a brilliant recourse and there are other helplines such as SHOUT and the Samaritans which can help you with advice on your daughter too.
I hope you are holding up ok, sending hugs 🤗

She has become more hostile to my DH recently. She has said that she misses having time with me to herself, so I’ve been really trying to give her time. I also think DH misses the point a bit. Even if actions are manipulative in nature, they are a cry for attention and not the mark of a happy child. I do think she would benefit from clear routine and bounds but I’m hoping the therapy will help us to implement this in a healthy way.
She deteriorated during the first lockdown and this was exacerbated by some horrendous online bullying. Her grandad also died of Covid last year so she’s had a lot going on.

Ow bless her. That’s a lot to take in especially at that age. Structure is so so important for teens so maybe try and schedule in some you two time? DH does seem to be missing the point but I’m sure he will get there eventually. From what I can gather if it’s only recently she’s being hostile towards him, then it’s probably her general depression making her irritable with people and not something personal which it might be worth explaining to DH. I’m so sorry for your loss x
As ever sending hugs 🤗

CAMHS didn’t think she was depressed - which I know sounds odd with the suicide ideation. They think she can’t regulate her emotions well, so she veers from happy to extremely low very quickly. I think she feels she doesn’t know how to talk to DH and she feels like she wants me to herself maybe. But she can be hostile to me as well. It’s really hard.

That’s quite interesting. Bless you, its so hard parenting a child who is struggling. Maybe try going on a walk altogether? Maybe mention how she feels about DH to the young minds helpline and see if they have any advice.
Sending hugs 🤗

I’ve ordered some evening primrose oil and valerian root as well as a good multi vitamin for her. Her therapy properly starts this week as well so hopefully we can get her on track. I really think lockdown has exacerbated this, that and the online bullying she suffered. She was accused of name calling a younger child - it wasn’t her and the school confirmed that - but an adult started screaming at her in the street and plastered her picture on the Facebook site for our village. What followed was weeks of horrible abuse at school, kids telling her to kill herself and eventually I had to call the police because it got so bad. Then lockdown. The poor girl has had a tough time of it and it just got too much.

Her therapist has suggested autism might be a factor. I am going to have the possibility looked at further.

Looking in to that would probably be very helpful. For DD as well as you. If it is autism then they can work on tactics to work on the specifically.
I hope everything is well ☺️