Please Help Me To Help My Friend? DV & DA from DS16

[OutOfDepthFriend]

My dearest friend has disclosed to me that her DS, who is 16, almost 17, has physically hurt her. I have known that 'something' was wrong for some time but never expected this. I am deeply shocked, especially as in a very short time he has gone from being a lovely boy to this. I have always admired my DF and the way that she parents, admired her family and her DC, especially this boy.

She confided in me in deep shock and when she was completely distraught, and she now regrets this, clamming up and apologising. I don't know what to do. I really want and need to help and support her. I am extremely worried.

It seems that over the last couple of years he has become increasingly difficult, which can obviously be expected from a teenager. This had increased to the point that he was regularly shouting and swearing at her, calling her the worst names, damaging the home and items in it either in temper or lack of care and respect, and rummaging through her things and barging into her room so she had no privacy. He steals and constantly lies and takes away her things in quite a controlling way. He seems full of hate and vengeful. He says it's her fault and she deserves it. He has been rejecting her authority, ignoring any requests and finding devious or openly defiant ways around anything she tries to put in place. He mocks her, even if she is unwell or upset, to the point where it is bullying and she is a shadow of her former self. He has been barricading himself in his room, sleeping all day and up all night, coming out them to get food. There had been some physicality - barging past her, snatching things away hard from her, knocking into her, getting right into her face. The most recent has gone much further though. I don't know how much to say but she has been hurt. She is heartbroken and devastated, as I am for her. He is still in the house in his room and they are cooped up together during this lockdown as we all are. He was such a bright, loving, sensitive, kind and talented boy, very close to his mum and family and very respectful and appreciative of her. She has always had good boundaries and expectations but very loving, giving and fun at the same time. Even now it seems he is capable of showing another much nicer side to others - who don't know what he is like at home - and he has been very open with her about turning his friends and girlfriend against her in a 'poor him with a horrible mum' way. If only they knew, as I do now.

If you have close personal or professional experience to help me to help my friend, it would be much appreciated. I am beside myself. I feel very angry towards him for doing this to her. She is such a lovely woman. He is bigger than her now too. She is breaking down, I know it.

(NC)

Just bumping for you, OP. Hopefully someone will be along to help you and your friend ASAP.

Thank you pp. I don't think threads in Teenagers appear in Active, do they? I think part of the problem is that this isn't talked about enough, like things used to be with partner/ex-partner DV and probably for similar reasons.

I was wrong there - it does appear in Active.

Bump

I guess there are always 2 approaches here - softly with love or hard. And if she has tried soft for years, then maybe the right thing is to become hard. So call the police and throw him out.

Are there other relevant circumstances? Is there a dad around? Is the son involved with drugs / alcohol / gangs? has there been any psychological evaluation?

getting this moved to the 'relationships' board might get a better response.

Thank you for your thoughts pp. Nothing like drugs, alcohol or gangs as far as you can say 100% no - fairly sure though. She was divorced many years ago and has been the only parent since DC were tiny. They have always been very far from the negative stereotype of a one parent family however. There hasn't been any psychological assessment or other involvement - until this they all seemed to be doing pretty well.

I did wonder about the Relationships board but thought it was a better fit here as he is a teenage DC.

I think she has tried both and a combination of the two - love and kindness, consequences & firm boundaries. It always used to work just fine. I know she would not want to call the police or throw him out at 16/17 - he is still her son and she loves him very, very much - although he deserves that with his behaviour so I can see exactly why you have suggested it.

Ok police. Quickly, before his next birthday. At the moment any action, and there are lots of things the police can do, will be as a child. In a years time, he'll be treated as an adult which is a completely different kettle of fish.

Right now, given his age, he has a chance. Police intervention will turn this around for him. In one years time it'll be too late and he'll be looking at a life in and out of jail.

Please get your friend to see that if she acts now she is helping him have a decent life. If she does nothing, his life is fucked.

Do you mean before his 17th or 18th birthday, pp? He is 17 very soon. What do you think the police will do?

He was going to school and had recently started A levels, hoping to go to Uni - obviously not at school now during lockdown.

For me there is a difference between 'hurt' with violence and 'hurt' with sexual violence.

There is a tone in your post which makes me wonder if it's the latter. If it's the latter, it is a police and social services situation.

If it's the former, I'd start with her telling her GP, and work from there.

@OutOfDepthFriend

Do you mean before his 17th or 18th birthday, pp? He is 17 very soon. What do you think the police will do?

Before 17. It's not my area of expertise at all but I am aware of lots of early intervention programmes that police can refer a young person to.

Not sexual, thankfully, pp.

Some of the things he says seem to be against her as a woman/mother, which is against how he has been brought up and always seemed - to value women and men equally, to treat women with respect.

I think it's too late for 17 as it's very soon.

Will she speak to his school? They would be the best port of call as they will be able to put referrals into social services for support. Its obviously not a safe environment for your friend and obviously she won't want him on the streets but they should be able to help.

I will talk to her about the suggestions of school, GP and police - thank you pps. My feeling is that she will really struggle to involve any of these because it is her own son and because of how upset she is even to have told me. Neither school nor the GP nor the police are known here for sensitivity or confidentiality. It is a relatively small community. She is feeling a lot of shame, embarrassment and guilt already. Her boy. Her family.

I'm just astounded that he could treat his own mum like this, even without the violence. How can it be her fault?

You say you don’t think drugs but it was my first thought.
It’s a pretty extreme way to behave without any obvious trigger... so maybe it’s something hidden, drugs, bullying or abuse.
He needs to leave the home. What about social services?

Same with social services really - her feeling ok to speak to them and that it would be the right thing to do, especially when there has been no previous involvement. Like the police, there is that negative association and fear it might make things even worse and things would be taken out of her hands or control as a mum and as a victim.

I think she is equally heartbroken by what has happened as she is the idea of having to involve an outside agency and make him leave under such awful circumstances. Leaving was always going to be hard for both of them but it was going to be a positive and natural thing, starting with going to uni part of the time. Not like this.

Where would he go? He still seems like a child. He's a school boy, albeit sixth form. What would social services realistically do or offer?

I am also looking for an explanation because he has had so much love, stability and opportunities, but without being spoilt. I have been around the family a lot and for all his life. I am wondering about mental health, past bullying at school, feelings about the absent parent, negative peer pressure and internet influences, this pandemic. But mostly I'm thinking of her, in that house, where she first brought him home as a baby and has fed and nurtured him all these years - and now this. It is hard enough for a woman to deal with when it is a partner who has done this - but your own son? How must she be feeling now?

whosincharge.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/WIC-Addressing-Child-to-Parent-Violence-and-Abuse-Information-to-help-parents-V1-2020-3.pdf

Her local authority might have interventions they can offer too.

Thank you so much pp. That link is really helpful.

As you can see, I can't sleep, worrying about them.

Look for youth services in your local authority.
I know they have been decimated over the last decade but there may be someone who can provide online support for her and her child.

Some mental health problems with young men do become more apparent at around this young man's age so she should contact her GP too

I really feel for her and I believe she is not alone. This situation is so difficult for adolescents cooped up when their every instinct is to cut ties to home.

( I am not defending his behaviour, it is intolerable and heartbreaking)

I have just spoken to her. He has been berating her repeatedly through her bedroom door. She is in there with the other DC. No remorse, blaming her, more names and said if she phones the police he will tell them she hit him and it was self-defense and that she has done it before. She also realised that he was trying to rile her and lead her into a strange conversation and it turned out he was trying to record her to make her sound at fault and unstable. She had also previously challenged him about some awful websites he had visited and he said he would tell people it was her - that she couldn't prove it was him. He is packing, saying he is going to jump out of the window and run away so that he can't be found. She has tried to encourage him to calm down and not to make things even worse, to distract himself or sleep but he won't. She is quietly distraught and just doesn't know what to do. She has been having a lot of physical symptoms from the severe stress - chest, stomach and head pains, dizziness and loss of appetite, and she has lost a lot of weight recently - I am worried. Any urgent advice in this crisis welcome. I would go over there if I could.

Thank you pp. It started before the pandemic but I feel sure that has added to it.

I worry that she will have a heart attack or a stroke with it all, or not be able to carry on. I know her family and DC are everything to her and she must feel the most important thing in life is spiraling out of control and disintegrating before her eyes.

Bump