Please Help Me To Help My Friend? DV & DA from DS16

[OutOfDepthFriend]

My dearest friend has disclosed to me that her DS, who is 16, almost 17, has physically hurt her. I have known that 'something' was wrong for some time but never expected this. I am deeply shocked, especially as in a very short time he has gone from being a lovely boy to this. I have always admired my DF and the way that she parents, admired her family and her DC, especially this boy.

She confided in me in deep shock and when she was completely distraught, and she now regrets this, clamming up and apologising. I don't know what to do. I really want and need to help and support her. I am extremely worried.

It seems that over the last couple of years he has become increasingly difficult, which can obviously be expected from a teenager. This had increased to the point that he was regularly shouting and swearing at her, calling her the worst names, damaging the home and items in it either in temper or lack of care and respect, and rummaging through her things and barging into her room so she had no privacy. He steals and constantly lies and takes away her things in quite a controlling way. He seems full of hate and vengeful. He says it's her fault and she deserves it. He has been rejecting her authority, ignoring any requests and finding devious or openly defiant ways around anything she tries to put in place. He mocks her, even if she is unwell or upset, to the point where it is bullying and she is a shadow of her former self. He has been barricading himself in his room, sleeping all day and up all night, coming out them to get food. There had been some physicality - barging past her, snatching things away hard from her, knocking into her, getting right into her face. The most recent has gone much further though. I don't know how much to say but she has been hurt. She is heartbroken and devastated, as I am for her. He is still in the house in his room and they are cooped up together during this lockdown as we all are. He was such a bright, loving, sensitive, kind and talented boy, very close to his mum and family and very respectful and appreciative of her. She has always had good boundaries and expectations but very loving, giving and fun at the same time. Even now it seems he is capable of showing another much nicer side to others - who don't know what he is like at home - and he has been very open with her about turning his friends and girlfriend against her in a 'poor him with a horrible mum' way. If only they knew, as I do now.

If you have close personal or professional experience to help me to help my friend, it would be much appreciated. I am beside myself. I feel very angry towards him for doing this to her. She is such a lovely woman. He is bigger than her now too. She is breaking down, I know it.

(NC)

Drugs is my first reaction. Normal, well brought up kids do not act like this.

I'd call the police and then get children's services involved - mostly because of the impact on the other children in the home.

The police and children's services will know its all bullshit if they have never been involved before. Plus he is blackmail her !

Please call the police on her behalf. They will be able to get him the help he needs. It sounds like he is lacking good male role models. The police gave mentoring schemes for young men trying to navigate growing up. It’s a difficult time for many.

I think police at this point - he sounds dangerous and ill. She can’t deal with that - no one could. This isn’t about ‘mothering’ it’s about safety and if she’s got other kids in there they are at risk. She needs to take some control. Phone the police.

Ultimately if she is determined not to involve outsiders, even at the expense of her own and her children's mental health, there is nothing you can do. And nothing she can do short of chucking him out. So her choices are police, social services or nothing at all. GP etc no use whatsoever unless he engages.

One thing though, is there a father on the scene. If so, boy could go stay with him to give everyone some breathing space to work out what to do next.

How are the other children in the family coping? Is anyone keeping them safe (it doesn't sound like it)? It might be worth gently exploring that angle with your friend. If the other children are younger they need to be prioritised over her eldest.

I had similar with my ds when he was around the same age. He was aggressive, nasty, bullying and it was like living with an abusive partner, it was absolutely horrendous - he never physically hurt me but he squared up to me more than once.

I’m afraid to say I ended up making him leave just after he turned 17. He was put into supported housing by social services, he hated it, came home, was exactly the same again so we made him leave again. It turned out the issue was drugs. They changed him completely into somebody I didn’t recognise. He was sofa surfing for a while when he was 18 as he gave up his council housing place, came back to us when I found out he was sleeping in somebody’s shed 😢 and he was with us for another 6 months before we helped him find a house share where he’s been for the last 10 months - he was fine, he just wanted his independence at this point.

I hated making him leave but I had to when he came home obviously high on something and I had his three younger sisters to think about. It wasn’t a safe environment for them at all, especially with all the verbal abuse aimed at both me and Dh.

After we found out he’d been sleeping in a shed we let him come home on the proviso that he didn’t touch drugs, no more abusive behaviour and he gave us 75% of his wages each week which we would save for him to rent his own place (he had managed to get a job a few months prior to moving back in). I think because he knew he had hit rock bottom he agreed to this and was as good as his word. He was lovely, as far as I can tell he hasn’t touched any drugs since, he looks healthier and happier than he has in years and it feels like we have our son back. He’s 20 this summer and it’s been a hard few years but we have a great relationship with him now.

If your friends son keeps doing what he’s doing knowing your friend won’t involve anybody else and won’t ask him to leave then why would he stop? She needs to think of the environment her younger children are growing up in and what they’re witnessing.

I’m not going to lie, I cried for months on end and sobbed for hours after social services called and asked if he could come home on the day I asked him to leave, I felt like the worst parent in the world and it broke my heart but even he says now that it was the only thing I could have done and the right thing to do.

I’m so sorry your friend is going through this, it’s heart wrenching and I really do feel for her.

Thank you pps.

Drugs are, understandably, mentioned again by pps. All I can say is there has been no evidence of that although my DF is not blind to it as a hidden possibility still. No known smoking or vaping, no smells or paraphernalia, not leaving the house alone for weeks because of lockdown, always had an anti drugs/smoking/excessive alcohol attitude - but of course there is use at the school despite appearances of it being a good school.

Will try to reply to other points. Much appreciated.