How long does your 13 year old spend in their room?

[Idroppedthescrewinthetuna]

I ask because I have always allowed DD (13) to spend as much as she likes up there. It has got to the point she literally only comes out for food.
Christmas day, she couldn't hack being downstairs. She has 2 younger sisters, she said they are too noisy and she finds them overwhelming. (She is has no sensory issues) My younger DDs are no louder than she was and are very well behaved most of the time.
Today I have asked her to come downstairs for a bit. She brought her laptop down, 45 mins later she had gone back upstairs. I text her (talking to her I get eye rolls and get moaned at) asking if that was it. She replied saying 'yes, but will be down later to play a game with you'
This game will be when younger children will be in bed, as soon as the game has ended she will just disappear back upstairs.
Is this normal or extreme? If it isn't usual, how do I change this without it causing world war III

Tbh at that age I was the same. I like being on my own in my room or out with friends.

My DD is 13 and she spends a couple of hours an evening up in her room. Generally she’ll be watching Netflix or on FaceTime with friends. She gets annoyed with her younger brother (10) so I appreciate she needs her own space. She loves cooking so quite often she’ll be in the kitchen cooking with me or we’ll play a game together. When all 6 DC are home she’ll be downstairs but after a while she likes her own space and I understand that. I wouldn’t want her upstairs in her room for more than a couple of hours at a time though really. I’d worry that she was cutting herself off from the rest of us.

@twistedkaleidoscope

Tbh at that age I was the same. I like being on my own in my room or out with friends.

Actually, you say that and it made me think. I never spent so much time in my room but I was out with friends pretty much all of the time. Poor teens don't get that at the moment especially in tier 3. That has made me think. Thank you.

My 13yo emerges for food and that's about it.

She chats to friends though and will answer if I talk to her. Not like lockdown 1 when I think she was quite isolated in there.

I’d worry that she was cutting herself off from the rest of us.

This is what has worried me. She has been home so much recently. Lots of home learning. Yet I haven't seen her. I think if she had been out with friends at least she is being around people.
She will face time her friends.
Her tone in speaking has become really rude, I find it hard sometimes. If I ask her to pick her socks up off floor and get them in wash as I am putting a load in she will literally act as if I have asked to walk over glass.
If I ask her to come down for a little longer I am worried she will just snap at everyone. If I tell her the way she spoke to her sister was awful she screams stop and acts really hard done by.
Yet sometimes I see my funny girl in there. I feel like I have lost her. Like I just do her head in.
I am lucky though as I never have to remind her to do homework, get up for school. She is amazing like that. I suppose it is more how I feel. I bloody miss her I do. But at the same time I cannot get used to the attitude.

My 12.5 year old comes down when she gets up and spends most of her time downstairs with us - hardly goes on her phone, watches TV , plays with the puppy , chats to us, used to draw/ paint but not done that for a while and goes to her room to read / listen to music at night before going to bed. She leaves her phone in our room before she goes to sleep.
She does not have any social media account.
My eldest Dd was the same as well at her age.

There is something, I will have to say. I am worried. Her dad is terminally ill, yet she has decided to go no contact with him, no matter how much I tried to facilitate a relationship with them both and to try to come up with excuses for him (vile manner, conspiracy theorist and if you didn't agree with him you were ignorant, would let her down, not due to his illness but because she didn't agree that the queen is a lizard and he told her to fuck off) so she has made the decision to cut him out. Since she has done that her anxiety attacks disappeared, she sleeps 9 hours a night now instead of 1 or 2)
I don't want to be hard on her as she has been through so much emotional trauma but I am worried she will go into a deep hole of shutting herself away and she won't know how to get out of it. I am trying to weigh up what is 'normal' for a 13 year old and what is too much.
I hope all of that has made sense.

He appears for meals and that's about it.

It seems like the appearing for meals is normal in many households.
This is reassuring.

My dd 12 and ds 15 only leave thier room for food. Its always a massive chore if I make them come down for anything else

My 13 year old ds still spends a lot of time with us downstairs and playing with his little brother. He’s very sociable.

My 15 year old ds, however, mostly only emerges for food! He is usually playing his Xbox with his friends. He has asd and has always been less sociable than the others.

DSS is 17 now, but since he was about 13 he's preferred to spend time in his room.

We only have a very small house, so a tiny living room and the bedrooms are the only places to go really. Me and DP don't like the same things on TV as him, he likes playing on his console or chatting to friends.

So long as he goes to school/college, gets his work done and comes to eat his meals with us we've been quite lenient with him being in his room.

He's never 'on his own' anyway, as there are always friends he's talking to and laughing with, and he knows he's welcome to come downstairs to DP and I whenever he likes.

Do you know what she is doing online? Do you monitor her activity?

Appears for meals only here.

My DD spends almost all her time in her room, usually chatting to friends. She comes out out for meals and, on sufferance, to watch an occasional movie with us.

My 13yo DS doesn't spend much time in there during the daytime but all our screens are downstairs, including the Xbox. Phones have to stay downstairs at night too so even though I've never said he can't go up with it during the day he generally doesn't. He does spend a lot of time in one room thought, the living room, and we have enough space that he can choose what he is watching or playing for much of the time.

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna

I think it depends how she is when she comes out. As said up thread my dd emerges mainly for meals but when she does she is happy and will give me a hug etc. Her aunt came round today and she stayed out to eat with us and watch tv. In May during lockdown I think she was struggling and she just was just a lot quieter, didn't change clothes etc so it was clear there was more to it.

@nimbuscloud

Do you know what she is doing online? Do you monitor her activity?

I do, she is very open with her phone and laptop. Her and her friends are mad on a couple of games. Nothing like fortnite. They also watch MHA together. She does a lot of craft, i.e quilling, diamond painting, felting, painting and drawing. She is very sensible online and will happily tell me she isn't happy with something. For instance somebody whatsapped her (clearly a wrong number, and she asked what she should do, if she should reply wrong number or just ignore.

Mostly food but will usually appear downstairs for an hour in the evening to watch a bit of TV with us.. usually when his screen time allowance has run out 😂

He can spend as much time as he likes in his room but his door is open 24/7 and he’s usually doubled over laughing with his friends online m. He comes down when asked for food/dog walk/chores/board games

We have a no screens in bedrooms rule, exception being if they are on a phone call/FaceTime. Means they spend more time downstairs, but I still don't get much out of them

my DS age 13 is not allowed his phone or laptop in his room. This is because of the dangers of unsupervised access to social media and internet content, and the problems related to too much screen time/sleep hygiene. This house rule has the nice side effect of also meaning that DS spends a lot of time downstairs. He doesn't necessarily chat chat chat but I do feel like I have a good handle on how he's doing and what he's feeling. I think that it's important he has a safe private space to retreat to and I always knock before entering . . . . but it feels unhealthy for teens to be able to isolate themselves too much from the family. I was just reading the book 'Get out of my life but take Alex and I into town first' which in fact I was recommended here on MN, and it said that boys in particular isolating themselves from family in the teenage years is one of the reasons for high suicide rates in teen boys.

Really normal teenage behaviour OP.

I have 3 dds aged 19, 17 and 13. Older two were fairly easy teens and didn’t exhibit much typical teen behaviour. Boy are we paying for it now with dd3! Plus she is on the autistic spectrum so it’s double whammy at the moment.

She spends a lot of time in her room - watching Netflix, chatting to friends online, doing stretching routines (she’s a keen dancer). I’ve set downtime on her phone and laptop and she’s pretty sensible on SM. I check her phone periodically plus ask her older sisters to keep an eye on her activity.

Yes to the rudeness and eye rolling at everything. During the teen years they are naturally starting to grow away from you and exert their independence. They still need lots of love snd security though. And it won’t be for ever, my older two are delightful company.

My youngest will come down when the rest of us are downstairs though due to FOMO 😂

Mine is older now (18) but I remember feeling exactly like you do - it seemed to happen almost overnight, disappearing off upstairs, monosyllabic, eye-rolling and all of that.

It really hurts doesn't it, and it's really worrying. The only reassurance I can offer is that they ARE ok and do come back round. With phones and other tech their friends are with them, albeit virtually, they're constantly in contact, just not physically.

Mine even used to often end up eating in their room as well. I think it becomes much more part of their safe space. I was a single parent and teen was the only one left at home so it was very weird. I'd wander round feeling the emptiness and the teemed happy as Larry squirrelled away!

The middle ground I found worked was to join them in their space - not just barge in obviously but arrange something - we'd get a pizza delivered, or make a favourite easy dinner and watch a movie (teen still usually on their phone!) or play cards and just hang out. They opened up a lot more and we had some great chats.

If you can, try and embrace it - we bought a few bits for the bedroom like LED lights, more cushions and blankets, a little table to eat at and just let them make their 'nest'.

Must be hard with younger ones who probably miss their older sibling, but it will be ok.

watch a movie (teen still usually on their phone!)

God yes! We watched Love Actually as a family last night, at dd3's request as she was the only member of the family who hadn't seen it. She watched it but was on her phone pretty much the whole way through. Drove dh mad!