How long does your 13 year old spend in their room?

[Idroppedthescrewinthetuna]

I ask because I have always allowed DD (13) to spend as much as she likes up there. It has got to the point she literally only comes out for food.
Christmas day, she couldn't hack being downstairs. She has 2 younger sisters, she said they are too noisy and she finds them overwhelming. (She is has no sensory issues) My younger DDs are no louder than she was and are very well behaved most of the time.
Today I have asked her to come downstairs for a bit. She brought her laptop down, 45 mins later she had gone back upstairs. I text her (talking to her I get eye rolls and get moaned at) asking if that was it. She replied saying 'yes, but will be down later to play a game with you'
This game will be when younger children will be in bed, as soon as the game has ended she will just disappear back upstairs.
Is this normal or extreme? If it isn't usual, how do I change this without it causing world war III

@Letsskidaddle

Mine is older now (18) but I remember feeling exactly like you do - it seemed to happen almost overnight, disappearing off upstairs, monosyllabic, eye-rolling and all of that.

It really hurts doesn't it, and it's really worrying. The only reassurance I can offer is that they ARE ok and do come back round. With phones and other tech their friends are with them, albeit virtually, they're constantly in contact, just not physically.

Mine even used to often end up eating in their room as well. I think it becomes much more part of their safe space. I was a single parent and teen was the only one left at home so it was very weird. I'd wander round feeling the emptiness and the teemed happy as Larry squirrelled away!

The middle ground I found worked was to join them in their space - not just barge in obviously but arrange something - we'd get a pizza delivered, or make a favourite easy dinner and watch a movie (teen still usually on their phone!) or play cards and just hang out. They opened up a lot more and we had some great chats.

If you can, try and embrace it - we bought a few bits for the bedroom like LED lights, more cushions and blankets, a little table to eat at and just let them make their 'nest'.

Must be hard with younger ones who probably miss their older sibling, but it will be ok.

Spot on. We have had a chat. She knows I miss her but she has asked me to accept that she is happy in her space and with her friends. I of course said yes I totally accept and respect that but also added that I will never not miss her presence around house. She said 'well compromises have to happen then' her idea was after breakfast she will spend half an hour with younger kids and then when she feels like it she will pop down once little ones are in bed to play a game of her choice with DP and me (her stepdad) also anytime she fancies it but I am not to pressure her. She did this today and she said she forgot how funny her little sisters are. We took girls out for a walk in the snow, I gave her the option of staying at home or coming out with us. She jumped at chance to come with us. Tonight we are playing scrabble with her (her fave game) she has been texting me all day how she will win.

We don't eat meals upstairs, this has always been a rule.

This thread has settled my head. I am happy it is normal and it isn't anything to stress about.

Both my kids (11 and 13) spend most of their time in their room at the moment. The eldest only leaves when seeking food or when forced to go out for a walk. Or if screen time ends and then he will agree to play chess or something. Given half a chance they both want to eat in their room as well. I have to force them to eat downstairs and when they do they usually eat as quickly as possible and run straight back to their room. Youngest is very pleasant but eldest is monosyllabic, rude and extremely addicted to screens. 😡. I remember I spent most of my time in my room at that age too but there weren't screens so I was reading or playing a musical instrument most of the time. Also at the moment there isn't much to do. My eldest spends half the day asleep, but as it's lockdown it's difficult to say "Come on, get up, we've got huge amounts of nothing to do and no people to see and there's not much of the day left !"

Two DS's aged 12 and 17 here. 17 year old varies it a bit, some days he's very sociable and will watch tv with us etc but most days he spends in his room or out with friends. 12 year old has just discovered the joy of being in his room so now the house feels empty

I don't like it, but as long as they don't expect to be able to eat meals in there and come down if asked, then it's ok

Forgot to add - DS2 is allowed his phone in his room but not overnight. We check what he's been up to (he knows that)

DS1 is allowed his phone but it doesn't disturb him - he loves his sleep too much

Ds is 14 and in the holidays spends about half his waking time in his room, usually gaming or watching Disney / Netflix. He comes down to eat and watch a film with us each night. I also make him come out to walk the dogs with us which he doesn’t mind too much.

Dd is 15 and is pretty much the same minus the film in the eve. She likes going out with friends etc so we see more of her when we are actually allowed out.

Ds age 18, just see him if he wants food, a lift or can’t find something!

Hardly any but he’s a sociable only child and prefers to be near us.
He is on his phone most of the time though!

My DD has been in her room all day and does that most days. She is on Netflix or chatting with friends. I think she just likes her own space. She seems happy enough. She communicates by asking for a drink of water to which I replied come downstairs and get your self one. Huge eye rolls from DD. Typical of teenagers I think. I was always in my own room at that age to get away from my siblings.

So today, she came down stairs for breakfast. She spent about 10 mins downstairs and disappeared back up.

And then this afternoon she asked her sisters if they would like to play a game. I said to her she really doesn't have to and she said 'no mum, I actually want to' she said just one game though. She stayed down for a couple of hours. Has gone upstairs now to facetime her friends while she draws.