Teen DD dropping out of university

[MagB]

DD first year of university, now saying she wont go back after Christmas, but wont work either and no way of supporting herself, which is putting a big strain on the household and relations with DP as we cant really afford to keep her, as it is we struggle to pay rent/bills and we're both in debt, me more than him, I have a lot of credit card debt which DP has been trying to pay off and managed about a 1/3 but its still gigantic.

I suggested changing courses but she says she's depressed and doesnt want to do anything, has no career goals, isnt fussed about having her own place or being independent, and shes got it easy at home as everything is done for her. She wont do chores, again because she says she depressed. Have exhausted the GP route as she didnt take her meds before, even though she was telling me she was but found full packets in her room, and she is adamant they dont help. Same with counselling, I got her a few private sessions with someone who was highly recommended but that didnt work either, she didnt like this woman, said she was setting her goals like homework and she didnt 'get her' she says.

If I leave her alone she just stays in bed or will sit on her phone all day, but am tearing my hair out, and I can tell DP is exasperated too but doesnt say that outright, but he works hard and has a very high stress job and I feel like Im dumping my problems on him and out relationship is definitely suffering too as a result of DD's issues.

I cant figure out if shes just being lazy or is genuinely depressed, shes never worked but has always been quiet and living in her own world, and Ive always done everything for her, maybe that hasnt helped, I guess she doesnt grasp that she has to do something, than doing nothing isnt an option, but when Ive tried to get through to her she says I dont understand depression and Im putting pressure on her so I back off because I dont want to exacerbate the situation and hope she'll snap out of it at some point.

University tutor here, hoping to offer some perspective. This is one of the most common points for all universities to lose students who simply can't face coming back, so much so that we had an action plan before we broke up as to what we could do to try and minimise it. This is because this year has probably been the hardest one for students that we have ever known. Ever. What we have been able to offer hasn't been a fun, engaging experience, rather a pretty hard slog. At time pretty boring, and difficult to stay motivated with. On top of that students haven't been able to go out and make new friendships with likeminded people via societies etc, and so are stuck with the pot luck of people around them. Imagine it's you: you are away from your family, your friends, so likely very lonely, doing work that is boring, that you might be finding very hard. It's easy to see why she might be feeling very miserable and not relish the prospect of going back for more of the same. I guarantee you, families up and down the country will be hearing the same from their young people.

Some of the comments on this post are incredibly harsh. We are almost certainly in the middle of a mental health crisis; the fallout just isn't visible yet.You would have considered your daughter a child only weeks ago.

Suspension of studies might be a good option here. Keeps the door open for a return and to give your daughter some breathing space to look at other options/work out the grass isn't always greener

Good luck to you all

I agree with @Restlessinthenorth some of the comments on here have been shockingly harsh. It must be very stressful for you struggling with money and having to support your dd through this.

Your dd is probably suffering from some anxiety and depression. You could ignore that and go into full face attack - she will most likely get worse. Facing the job centre or anyone at the moment will be incredibly hard for her - I"ve had a few people close to me whose kids have gone through this and they all refused to go to the job centre - they lived in their rooms for months with no money and no treats, getting them out to mix again was key, she needs gentle guidance and support.

Start small and build up gradually, make lunch together - try and encourage her out of her room. You need to encourage her to start taking the pills - they will take a while to work, if they don't - make a phone appt for her with her GP - offer support to your dd to be there for that chat and request a change of meds.

See if you can find a different therapist - she needs to click with the right one. She needs to trust you are on her side, she will get better. No one is deliberately that lazy - people prefer to live, work interact - but sometimes the leap is too big and their confidence and self worth is rock bottom...lifting them out of this - will be a challenge.

She probably doesn't want to take the medication because there is fuck all wrong with her. She sounds like one of these whiny lazy spoilt brats that sit on tiktok all day glamourising depression and using it as an excuse. She needs a kick up the arse.