Teen DD dropping out of university

[MagB]

DD first year of university, now saying she wont go back after Christmas, but wont work either and no way of supporting herself, which is putting a big strain on the household and relations with DP as we cant really afford to keep her, as it is we struggle to pay rent/bills and we're both in debt, me more than him, I have a lot of credit card debt which DP has been trying to pay off and managed about a 1/3 but its still gigantic.

I suggested changing courses but she says she's depressed and doesnt want to do anything, has no career goals, isnt fussed about having her own place or being independent, and shes got it easy at home as everything is done for her. She wont do chores, again because she says she depressed. Have exhausted the GP route as she didnt take her meds before, even though she was telling me she was but found full packets in her room, and she is adamant they dont help. Same with counselling, I got her a few private sessions with someone who was highly recommended but that didnt work either, she didnt like this woman, said she was setting her goals like homework and she didnt 'get her' she says.

If I leave her alone she just stays in bed or will sit on her phone all day, but am tearing my hair out, and I can tell DP is exasperated too but doesnt say that outright, but he works hard and has a very high stress job and I feel like Im dumping my problems on him and out relationship is definitely suffering too as a result of DD's issues.

I cant figure out if shes just being lazy or is genuinely depressed, shes never worked but has always been quiet and living in her own world, and Ive always done everything for her, maybe that hasnt helped, I guess she doesnt grasp that she has to do something, than doing nothing isnt an option, but when Ive tried to get through to her she says I dont understand depression and Im putting pressure on her so I back off because I dont want to exacerbate the situation and hope she'll snap out of it at some point.

I wouldn’t let her live with you unless she is in full-time education, full-time work, or a combination of the two that adds up to a similar commitment. If she chooses to work instead of get an education, she pays rent because parental subsidies are for teens and young adults who are getting every bit of education available (that doesn’t have to be university, but it does need to be an accredited, respected training program)

Has she spoken to an advisor at university? They could pinpoint why she’s not happy and if a different course would interest her more. This sounds like pure laziness, not depression. Why does she say she’s depressed? Why did she want to go to university?

When I was severely depressed and struggled with managing my PTSD, I still worked very hard at college and university. I loved (still love) my subject so it gave me purpose and joy to study and learn more. I loved being at university and it improved my mental health.

University isn’t for everyone though. Could she do an apprenticeship?

When I was her age I was working full-time, wanted to be independent, basically the opposite of DD at her age

That's nice for you but totally irrelevant and clearly clouding your judgement. You were a different person who had lived a different life and had different circumstances.

You clearly don't understand depression given that you're on here talking about "snapping out of it".

How old is she? 18? 19?

So she was what 12 when her dad abandoned her? And how were things before that? She's clearly been suffering for some time by what you've said.

Depression is not a chemical imbalance, it is caused by adversity.

No I wouldnt mind her dropping out and working, Im not bothered about that to a degree although obviously I would prefer to her stay at university, who wouldn't, but if she says she cant work and cant sign on I cant physically force her, just like I cant force her to take medication because technically she's an adult. How do I know if its genuine depression or laziness? And if it is genuine depression but she wont take medication or go to counselling again and cant study or work, what realistically can i do? I cant throw her out on the street. But cant afford to keep her indefinitely, and if DP clears off Im really stuck!

Well, of course she's not going to work if you're paying for her phone and Internet, providing her with a place to live and food. She's got no incentive to, you're giving it all to her.

Firstly I'd tell her that she has 3 months to look for a job, and you want to see the evidence of her applying for things.

Secondly she gets a list of chores to do, laundry, hoovering etc.

Non-negotiable, if you don't see evidence of her pulling her finger out in 1 month you stop paying for her phone.

Please tell me you're not giving her spending money.

I admit I dont understand depression. Yes she's always been quite shy, but she seemed okay when she was in school, had a lot of friends, so wasn't outwardly depressed that i could tell. But its always been a problem getting her to do chores, it was always a fight until I eventually gave up trying. Hence I dont know if its an extension of this or depression, she got decent grades at school, good enough to get into university, but did the bare minimum regarding studying really.

Im not giving her spending money, I cant afford to. Im up to my eyes in debt, but no she doesnt pay for her phone, bills, mainly DP pays all those

And what would happen if you told her she has 1 month to begin applying for jobs (actually seriously applying) or you would stop paying for her phone?

I dread to think, cry probably and tell me how awful I am

You mentioned that she was spoiled as a child. This is part of the reason you have ended up here. She has no motivation to work if everything is handed to her on a plate. If you carry on paying for her phone she has no need to work.

I think this is a situation where it needs to get worse before it gets better. Tell her to get down to the job centre, sign on and start applying for jobs. She can then pay for her own phone. Give her a month deadline and stop paying her phone bill assuming it does not put you in breach of its contract.

Don't think about her as a child think about her as a young adult. If God forbid you die tomorrow she'll be hopelessly lost. Do her a favour and tell her that even with depression people get up to work.
The less she has to do the more dependent and depressed she is going to be.
I'm a counsellor and doing nothing will make her condition worse.
You need to set a deadline for you and her. You are both living of your boyfriend and that's not fair.
You both need to look for jobs. Any job is better than no job at all.
Stop paying for her phone. Sounds hard but she has cero drive to help herself.
You aren't being mean. She needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling her.

Can't she apply for Universal credit? Then she'll either have to work or go to the doctor and be signed off unfit for work because of her depression. She would then be able to pay for her food etc.

This is slightly different but maybe it will help.
Some years ago my Dad was depressed. It was work related. He stopped washing and bathing, cleaning his teeth and changing his clothes. He would wear the same clothes for weeks. He stopped everything basically. He stank. He was due to come to mine for Christmas with my Mum.
I explained before he arrived that I was very happy for him to visit but that before arriving he must wash, have a Bath, brush his teeth and put clean clothes on. In return i would have him to stay and he could join us for Christmas dinner.
On arrival he had done none of the things he has promised. So I told him that was ok but he wouldn’t be eating with us at Christmas.
After a lot of protests he sorted himself out and joined us.
So what I am trying to say is there has to be some minimum standards in order for her to live with you. So she needs to dress each day. Go outside (at least initially) and take her medication. And whatever else either you agree with her or you think it reasonable and build from there. If she won’t then you can explain clearly the consequences. But being an adult is joined with taking responsibility and she needs to start doing that.
All that being said mental health issues for students are very common and it’s possible that something has happened to her. So try to talk to her about that too.

That’s hard. My DD is at uni and also has MH issues (and is medicated although we are about to launch into 2nd lot of anti-depressants). We are ‘lucky’ in that she presents fairly ‘normally’, goes out etc. and has settled ok at uni.
Why does she want to drop out? Can you get to bottom of it? It’s such a strange time and hopefully things will improve for them.
My dd has struggled more on the academic side w her MH but as she says, she only has to pass this year and then she can choose modules, she’ll be going to lectures as opposed to online and be stable on meds - hopefully.
Therapy is v hit and miss. DD won’t engage either.

So let her cry.

She may well have depression but enabling her current behaviour will just make it worse. Sounds like she has been spoilt and pandered to enough.

Regardless of her depression, she needs to be contributing round the house (chores) cooking, cleaning etc. If she refuses to look for a job then you stop paying for her phone.

She is emotionally abusing you - she has full control over you at the moment. How does that make YOU feel? What do you WANT to feel like? Keep that in mind and start giving her the ‘bottom line’ of what is acceptable to you, with deadlines, and STICK to them.

Depression is real and a serious issue, and unfortunately people don’t “snap out if it” as such

She will need some gentle guidance, like other people mentioned, it won’t be good for her to loll about in bed all day

She needs routine, small tasks (help in the house, look after herself, do 10k steps etc)

But it sounds as if you are riddled with guilt, and the guilt clouds your judgement

That’s so tough for you, but you really need to try and get rid of that guilt. Being a parent comes with a dose of guilt , but this can be debilitating

You can’t change the past, guilt is a useless emotion. Try and focus on the future

Be kind. Be calm. Be firm

Good luck

This sounds so difficult and I understand you want to support her too.

You can be supportive of her without enabling her to sit at home and do nothing. That won’t be helpful for her anyway.

Has she said what things she thinks help her mental health? Does she have any interest or things she usually likes doing when well?

Fair enough if university wasn’t for her but staying at home, not seeking a job or alternative training or seeking benefits cannot be an option.

I think you need to stop paying for her phone and other bills or give her notice that you won’t pay for them after December.

Depression/anxiety can often be linked with vitamin d or B12 deficiency. Has the doctor given her a blood test to rule out anaemia etc?
At the least I would recommend topping her up with 1000iu or 25mcg a day for a month. I gave Ds a one off 20,000iu supplement which lasted for a month, and made world of difference. HealthAid is a good brand found in pharmacies.

DS was very deficient in vit d at 17 and we didn't realise. Took form of lethargy anxiety, hopelessness.

Tell her straight out that you cannot afford for her to stay home all day at on her bottom doing absolutely nothing

She doesn’t understand depression if she thinks staying in bed all day will help her.

Yes I pay for her phone, internet, everything really. Im scared if I push her too much and insist she has to sign on it'll tip her over the edge. I already suggested maybe signing on til she decides what she wants to do but she looked at me like I was crazy and said theres no point talking to me because I dont understand depression.

I think you need to have this conversation again acknowledge that no you don’t understand depression, it’s so complex few people do, but you do understand that she is an adult and as an adult she needs to find a way to support herself, be that study (she will have to let student finance know if they pay January instalment she won’t get to keep it) work or UC. If she stays with you she has to pay a contribution. As an adult it is also her responsibility to take care of her mental health, this means following through and engaging with a doctor.

She needs to know you will support her in anything proactive that she decides to do, if indeed it is staying home doing nothing but she has to engage with a gp, and your support is emotional only, she is responsible for phone contracts and my kids live at home at buy the majority of their food.

Stop paying for her phone, so what if she cries it’s the starting point.

This first term after starting university is always a tricky one, my dd was horrible when she came back, you may find as Christmas goes on her mindset changes.

I do feel for you it’s a horrible time for them.

And I’ll second the B12 thing it can make a huge difference.