How to deal with teenage entitlement?

[LDreads]

I have a 13YO daughter, she has in this last year become lazy, rude and extremely entitled. She is spoilt by other family members and I’ve attempted to have conversations with them about how this makes it very hard for me when she’s at home, mostly because she has no incentive to ‘work’ (each day she must do 1 chore, keep her room tidy and all homework to have her phone and an allowance of £25 per month that I pay directly into her bank, she stays at Dads twice a week and also receives £10 per week for chores done, although I think this is too much for a couple chores!) because she does not want for anything. We are arguing every single day she’s here (goes to Dads 2x a week). I am going to have another conversation with Dad to see if we can really get on the same page, I know teenagers are a pain in the butt but the one thing I can’t cope with is the sense of entitlement! I’ve always said she should get a Saturday job when she’s 13 to earn her own money and she’s always thought it was a great idea. I found her a job in a small local cafe. She now tells me that none of her friends work and it’s so embarrassing that she would have to work in a cafe and not go out with her friends. I asked her how she is going to afford to go out all the time with the allowance she gets and she said she didn’t care about the money she has everything she wants . I lost my head and said that she should be so lucky to be given an opportunity to earn something for herself, and how dare she think that she’s above working in a cafe. She also tells me her friends are never made to do any chores. My response is always the same, I’m not your friends Mum I’m your mum and this is how we do it in our house.
I’m not the calmest of people in the best of times and having a teenager is teaching me that picking your battles is always wise. But I’m at a loose end, even with chores it takes me longer to nag her to do them than if I just did the chore myself. She has 2 younger sisters and always seems to think they’ve got it easier than her (hard done by attitude) I often remind her she didn’t even tidy her own bedroom until her first sister was born. Since her sisters came along, she’s always done chores, always had an amazing work ethic and been happy to get stuck in and get stuff done. In our house the general rule is, if something needs doing and your not doing anything - then get it done as we’re a large family and we work long hours.

The sense of entitlement has only been around since being in secondary school and her comparing herself to friends who apparently are extremely spoilt always have money given to them and never do chores.

So please mums of the net, tell me how you dealt with your entitled teenager and what did and didn’t work!?
(in other words PLEASE HELP ME!!!)

I don't have any advice further to what's already been given but I just wanted to say that it's great to hear people instilling a sense of responsibility into their kids, many parents don't give a damn really! She'll find her way @LDreads

We have google family link app on the kids’ phones - any unacceptable behaviour and we can shut down access to their phone from ours...it is really useful!

My 13 year old DS is itching to get a job but we can't find anywhere to take him on. My 16 year old is focusing on his a levels, I wanted him to work but he's struggling with the workload and covid hasn't been easy on him so I've let that ride for now and said when he wants a car etc he can get a job then to pay.

I now just expect them both to muck in with house work it's not paid for or called chores I just ask, they Hoover, clean rooms, load and unload dishwashers, help with cooking and wash their own bedding and sort clothes, this has all been expected of tt

Woops pressed too soon!

Expected off them from a young age as we both work full time, it's just called mucking in.

I can see how hard it is when her dads got more flashy stuff and that transition to secondary is all about fitting in.

I do is ask lots of my DS compared to their friends but then occasion put extra in the account or get them a treat or gift to say thank you for helping out, so it's recognised but not a chore as such.

I think you're doing a great job and whatever feels right for you and your family values.

@Blimeyoreilly2020 what’s the app called? I use G suite for my business and love how easy and accessible everything is, DD has her own area on the drive so she can store all her homework etc and not have to worry about having her laptop to access it, so if I can link it to an existing account that would be great!

@dhisreadingmypostsagain thank you so much for your kind words, we’re always questioning whether we’re being crap parents because really we won’t know until it’s far too late and I just want her to be able achieve the best!
Having a little rant and a bit of reassurance from other mums really does good

really we won’t know until it’s far too late and I just want her to be able achieve the best!

I think you will make it easier for her if you can just relax your expectations on all of you that little bit. You don't have to get every single little bit of your parenting right, she doesn't have to get every single little bit of being a teenager right.

Take care you don't use your expectations on your daughter to compensate for the struggle you had raising your child at such a very young age. She doesn't owe it to you to be an extra special kind of person because you had her so young and had to work so hard- that was your choice. You did a great job by the sounds of it and it must have been incredibly hard, but that is your life, not hers. If she senses that that informs your expectations of her, she will start resenting you and quite rightly.

Of course you need to pull her up on actual rudeness, but otherwise it is fair to look around and see what expectations other parents have of their children.

Some work experience before you leave school is useful, but it doesn't have to start this young and it's not the be-all and end-all. My dd was unable to work at all until she was 19 due to illness, and she has always been able to find work since. Once she'd done her first job (and done it extremely well) nobody was interested in what she did when she was 13. If most young people start around 16, then employers aren't going to think there's anything odd about your dd if that is when she started too.

I think that 13 is very young to be expected to get a job. Dd1 will be trying to get a job next summer after GCSEs finish, but until then, between school and her extra curricular activities, she doesn’t really have time.

Teenagers are generally pretty lazy by nature. I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to expect her to do the jobs she does for her allowance. My dds get a similar amount and do a similar amount of jobs. Sometimes I have to nag them to do them, sometimes I don’t. But no jobs means no cash, so they get done in the end.

Maybe stop pressuring her to get a job for a couple of years, but be strict about ensuring all her jobs around the house are done, and if they’re not, reduce her allowance/ stop paying for her phone etc.

LDreads it’s actually called Google Family Link or there’s another which I think is called Qustodio....

If you had her at 14, and she is 13 now, then you will have been 13 in 2006ish?

I don’t think it was remotely typical for 13 year olds to have jobs then and with the greatest of respect I don’t know how you can push it as a positive thing given how things turned out.

This is actually quite an upsetting read. A cafe employing a 13 year old are breaking all sorts of laws, and she is likely to be working in a less than pleasant environment after going to school all week. In any case, given the current situation I think a cafe employing a school girl are putting the health of their customers at risk. And posters on here encouraging this isolation and abuse by cutting off the WiFi? What the hell?

I think you have very old fashioned and excessive expectations of your 13 year old and I am not surprised she's already rebelling against you. My parents were like this and by 16 our relationship had completely broken down. We had many years of no contact and only in recent years have things begun to be repaired. I think you're setting yourself up for horrendous teenage years that will make the family home unhappy for everyone in it unless you calm down a bit.

@Welcometonowhere I’m with you. I was 15 in 2006 and this isn’t typical to my experience whatsoever. I cannot think of a single person in my form at school who worked at that age, nor any family. I also don’t agree with it not instilling a good work ethic unless you work from being 13?! DH is the same age as me, owns a hugely successful business and has worked extremely hard to get it where it is today. He got his first job after college as did I as both our parents wanted us to concentrate on our education. I have never, ever struggled to find work due to not having experience from 13. My first job out of 6th form was for Halifax bank. I think it’s rather cruel actually. They are children for such a short time, they have all their adult lives for working. Parenting should teach them values without having to work at 13 years old. I wonder if OP is pushing DD to grow up faster than normal because she did too.

I have two points to add.
First I’m very dubious about the calibre of employers who employ a thirteen year old in defiance of the law. What kind of people are they and how much can you rely on them to make sure she isn’t abused or taken advantage of.
Second, if you have any academic aspirations for your child then going forward - in later years in school - school is like a full time job. University aspirants for courses like medicine or law have (or should have) a very full school day followed by several hours of homework, revision for (constant tests) and dissertation work. As far as I can see once you add in basic housework and personal care and maybe one hobby, there is very little time left for the kid to have any leisure time at all. I would be very reluctant to take that time away. That said I really do see the value of work, but I see it as a thing for school holidays or ad hoc babysitting etc to be fitted in only where possible amongst the academic demands that are in my view the main ‘job’ of teenagers.

@EvelynBeatrice makes very valid points.

Re the first point, this is going to be even more the case nowadays when fewer children start work this early. An employer who deliberately goes against the grain and takes on an unusually young child is probably not the best kind of employer out there.

Re the second point, if you decide that your dd needs to prioritise employment over her studies at this age then you are sending her clear signals that you don't expect her to prioritise academic aspirations. Is that your choice to make? Particularly this early?

My mum and dad were a bit like this, to be honest.

They meant well, but they were older parents when they had me. They’d been 13/14 towards the end of the 1950s, when part time jobs were the norm. My mum was working full time from 16 onwards. They honestly didn’t have a clue the world had changed and by the time I was the same age, in the mid 90s, while it was normal for sixth form aged students to have PT jobs, I was the only one of my friends expected to work and repeatedly called lazy for not having a job. I did eventually get one in year 11, but I was horribly bullied and I hated it and I hated my parents for forcing me to go.

It’s definitely not something I’ll ever force my own children into.

I think the fact that you had her at 14 and took on the huge life changing responsibility of being a Mum is laudable. I am a lot older than you, mid 40s. I have 2 teenage sons 17 and 14 and this is how it works in this house.

No one gets paid for chores.

No one pays me to cook and do housework, no one will pay them in future to do their own housework. Ds is 14 so in comparison he empties a dishwasher 3 times a week including a weekend load which has more stuff in it. So Tues/Thurs/Sun, I do Fri Ds1 does the other days. Ds2 strips his bed and loads it into the washing machine on a set day, Ds1 does the same and he puts the machine on.

Each child is responsible for a bin, so Ds2 is kitchen bin (Ds1 is recycling) so twice a week the bin gets emptied on set days as he leaves the house for school as they are going out the door anyway. One of these days is a bin collection day so they put the bin out and bring it back.

They both help with dinner and setting and clearing the table. No one leaves the kitchen after dinner until all things are in the dishwasher, some pans are hand washed, sides are wiped, table is wiped and dried too. Only then is everyone allowed to leave. It means one person isn't in the kitchen doing chores whilst everyone else swans around. They also have to keep their rooms clean, they are, and do some cleaning and hoovering.

From a young age any shopping trip went like this, I need to get you school shoes, if you are cordial and polite then when we get back home you are allowed tech/tv/xbox whatever. ie in very simple terms, I get what I want, you get what you want. This also translates to work, your boss gets what they want, you then get what you want - money.

Dh and I both had jobs from 13 however neither of my children have jobs. For us their effort needs to go into their school work. They get good grades and outstanding for attitude to learning. They know how much things cost from cars, to furniture, to holidays, to houses and what salaries pay. They have cash in their money boxes as they just don't spend.

What does she spend her money on now? Is she saving any of it?

Have you looked into student maintenance loans of what she would be entitled to if she was looking to go to university and more importantly have you and her Dad looked at what the Government expect you to pay towards her living costs? I don't know if your home is classed as the main residence but maybe some of this money you keep putting her way needs to go into a savings account for her future rather than her frittering it away on tat.

It is based on household income meaning if your house is her main residence, your partner's wages are taken into consideration for her loan. MoneySavingExpert

It's bloody hard being a parent. One thing I've learnt is pick your battles.
Or everything becomes a battle. And offload to friends for support when it's getting you down.
Teenagers forget parents are human too and we are trying our best. But she is still quite young at 13 and she won't learn that for a while as she grows.

My 13 year old gets £40 a month. If he needed more I would give it to him. He will help me if I need it. Eg the kitchen cupboard door feel off and he screwed it back on. He doesnt have set chores as I want him to concentrate on school and he is doing his duke of Edinburgh.

13 is a hard age - full of anger. Pick your battles and it improves. The chores thing is something we still battle with and the battle is exhausting. I think a daily chore like feed pets, setting table, em[ting dishwashers is fine but don't expect them to do this with a smile.
We're in a wealthy area - most of dd's friends got jobs in sixth form - one had a job from she was 14, she was a very mature 14 - it definitely felt like she was being exploited at times and her parents had to intervene on her behalf...I'm not sure I'd have been all that happy to put dd in that situation.

I’m not sure that it’s even legal for a 13 year old to work in a cafe in a Saturday anymore. Look at this. She would need a work permit from the LA anyway. Bit l don’t think she can work in a cafe. I’m sure they have to be 14.

www.gov.uk/child-work-permit-england-wales

We’ve got 3 adult dc and one teen. The only jobs they had under 16 were paper rounds.

I think you need to get your expectations about her working abilities up to date. And her GCSE’s will cause huge workload.

Chores? Meh. All teens hate chores, all argue about them.

Your expectations are way too high. She’s 13. Still quite a young child.

My 16 year old has £15 per week into her bank account. My 11 year old has £5 per week (it'll go up gradually.) They empty the dishwasher & hang the laundry together and my 16 year old also mows the lawn in spring/summer. She also cooks if I'm late at work (I do shifts) & looks after her sister evenings and weekends. She did look for a job in the summer but no one is hiring at the moment. She's doing A Levels & what with being my babysitter she doesn't have time to work too on top of a paltry social life as it is in Covid times.

I had a waitressing job at 14 & shop work from 16 but that was the 80s & there were loads of saturday jobs around.

I think it's good to attach the allowance to chores. When my 16 year old complains about doing jobs/babysitting I offer to stop her pocket money and pay someone else to do it. She soon relents

I actually had a great chat with her Dad. It turns out that him and his partner are equally frustrated with her attitude over there as well (no surprise but it did make me feel a little better knowing it wasn’t just me who gets it!) he said that she actually hadn’t had any money from him in months because getting her to do anything (even cleaning her own plate) is such a task in its own right he’s given up asking.
So here’s what we agreed:

• Sack the job thing off (pun definitely intended)
• We agreed that the priority needs to be what’s going on at home, forcing her out to work against her will is not the right thing for her at this time
• chores are now paid at a flat rate regardless of whether they’re done at mum or dads of £3 per chore. So she has the opportunity to earn up to £21 a week if she does one every day! (With other opportunities such as baby sitting for friends / cleaning the cars during school holidays now and again to get some extra cash and the money gets transferred as soon as it’s done (within reason)
• the right to her phone is earned separately by completing homework when she gets back from school each day and keeping her room reasonably tidy

We approached her together to show her we’re a united front and she protested that she likes the old way better because it’s easier.... having a big argument and then talking it all out as a family unit has released a lot of tension for us all and over the past few days all of a sudden we have the most helpful and loving teenager around hmmmm.. but I’m not complaining at that, for now I’ll take anything I can get!

We’re going to trial this and review if we have any major issues but I feel like we’ve got a great starting point.

After reading my original post... I must remind myself not to post on the internet whilst having a breakdown, luckily I’m practically made of humility

Great update.

Great update OP and brilliant to see you and dad are on the same page. Long may helpful and loving continue!! Funny that she found it easier before 😂 but the United front is really good.

Will you pay me 3 quid for every chore?

I’d be bloody loaded.......😂