Daughter struggling to talk about feelings

[LouJ85]

My DD (14) really struggles with talking about her feelings. She often bottles things up and will reply with "I'm fine" when I can see quite clearly she isn't. I pushed her a little more to talk to me the other day and she became quite tearful and said "I just don't like people to worry about me, so I say I'm fine". I've talked to her about the importance and benefits of opening up and talking about her feelings, which she seemed to take on board a little.

For Christmas, I want to get her something that might help her. I'm thinking along the lines of a book aimed at teenagers around how to talk about your feelings, or maybe a journal of some type?

Does anyone have any recommendations (or indeed advice around getting her to open up more!) Thank you

I mean this in nicest way,don’t buy her a book about opening up.its cringey
Don’t be overly eager tell her, it’ll make her clam up
Be available to her, listen when/if she talks

What did you teach her about emotions growing up?

Don’t buy a book fgs

As a teen she’ll be internet savvy she can google any sites about feelings etc
You show her consistency and love by maintaining routine and being kind and available to her
Her strength is her insight into how she’s feeling she’s told how she’s feeling

I had a really miserable time when I was that age but found it absolutely impossible to talk about how I felt. I wanted to but just physically couldn't. I still find it difficult now and tend to go on the defence. How are her moods? Is she happy and interactive most of the time or angry/distant?
What I wish I had had at that time in my life was a safe but impartial person to talk to. There is just no I could have opened up to a parent. Would she be open to counselling?

You need to work with the "I just don't want people to worry about me"

You could try something like this biglifejournal.com/collections/all

@Augustbreeze
Yes this is the key I think. I have no idea where it comes from ...

Sorry the teen one is here biglifejournal.com/collections/all/products/big-life-journal-teen-edition

How are her moods? Is she happy and interactive most of the time or angry/distant? What I wish I had had at that time in my life was a safe but impartial person to talk to. There is just no I could have opened up to a parent. Would she be open to counselling?

Generally speaking her moods are fine - she seems happy / chatty most days I'd say. But there's just moments she seems distant and I know something isn't right... She's already said no to counselling.

I wouldn't have opened up to a parent at that age either which is why I thought a book or journal of some type might help?

Disagree with the posters saying don't buy a book. It's not very long since I was a teenager like your daughter, and if I'd got a book or journal like that off my mum I would have been encouraged that she cared, and probably would have opened up about my mental health difficulties a lot sooner. She does care, a lot, and I knew that, I was just too scared of worrying her to broach the subject

I mean this in nicest way,don’t buy her a book about opening up.its cringey
Don’t be overly eager tell her, it’ll make her clam up
Be available to her, listen when/if she talks

Why is is cringey? Surely a pushy parent who insists she opens up to them is more cringey for a teen? With a book she has the option to either read it or toss it under the bed if she finds it unhelpful, therefore less pressure? I'm always available for her to talk to me - I tell her this. I just get "I'm fine", with a forced smile.

@TigerQuoll

That looks really good! Just what I was looking for actually. Thank you

Ok, if she’s overall chatty & spontaneous most of the time you have v little to worry about
Yes it’s common to have emotional turbulence and distant periods
I’m not sure she needs counselling dont pathologise adolescence

@SentientAndCognisant

I'm not pathologising her adolescence. It was actually my DD who mentioned counselling, in the context of a specific conversation she had had with her friend at school. Long story short - her dad has recently split from her stepmum and she has been finding it harder than we initially realised. When I pushed her to talk to me recently, she cried and said she had told her friend at school about the split, and it was he who had in turn suggested counselling (he has had counselling himself and found it helpful). In relaying this conversation to me she said "but I told him there's no way I'm talking to a counsellor". That's how I know her feelings on the matter. Not because I've suggested it myself.

She's a teen - totally normal not to want to talk to you about stuff she can barely understand herself.
My daughter goes along, sometimes happy, sometimes not. Every once in a while she'll come in and have a talk about what's really been bugging her.
Your daughter will not respond to probing, especially if she is worried that you are worried! Be supportive, be available, but also respect her privacy. But should she come to you, listen. Just that; don't offer advice, don't tell her things will be fine. Unless she asks for your opinion don't give it.
I don't think a book will help but I don't know what's out there.

@IntoP20

What did you teach her about emotions growing up?

Don’t buy a book fgs

I'm not sure if you mean to sound completely rude and judgmental, but you do. Have you patented a teen?? If so - Please, do pass on your wisdom!

*parented, not patented!

I'm thinking that there is nothing wrong with the right sort of book but that it should not be a Christmas present!

I had 3 teenage DDs at one point not so ling ago and they all bottled stuff up at different times. They need their privacy, but being on the outside looking in when you think something is upsetting them is very hard. I just gave them hugs and told them I loved them - there is little else you can do when they clam up.

By the way, I would no more have talked to my Mum about my feelings than flown to the moon!

Disagree with the posters saying don't buy a book. It's not very long since I was a teenager like your daughter, and if I'd got a book or journal like that off my mum I would have been encouraged that she cared, and probably would have opened up about my mental health difficulties a lot sooner. She does care, a lot, and I knew that, I was just too scared of worrying her to broach the subject

I do care, an awful lot. I'm very worried about her. I've told her it's my job to worry and care, and she can always talk to me even if it might "worry" me - that's my job! I'm just looking for anything other than my relentless "but are you sure you're ok?" questioning that might help!

I think focusing on talking can be off-putting and makes it more of a big deal. DD (similar age) finds it easier to talk while we are doing something - waking or driving in the car are good, it takes a bit of the focus off her which she feels more comfortable with. She will then yak away!

@Mischance

Thanks, it is really hard you're right! She's my first teen so its been a bit of a shock to see the change in her from carefree little girl to often seeming distant and down. It's hard not to blame myself and wonder am i doing enough...

Just out of interest, what would be the issue with giving something like this as part of her Christmas presents?

My dd is the same. Also 14 I like the look of the book too.
Apparently I'm Annoying and nag

Some teens just lock it down. I would’ve died rather than talk to my mum about my innermost feelings and my DS is the same with me, although I have been far more available than my mum was.

DS is 24 now has always known that I’m there for him and he’s had some exceptionally tough times in the last 5 years, but he just prefers to deal with things alone. It’s hard, but I have to respect this.

@Beamur

I think focusing on talking can be off-putting and makes it more of a big deal. DD (similar age) finds it easier to talk while we are doing something - waking or driving in the car are good, it takes a bit of the focus off her which she feels more comfortable with. She will then yak away!

I agree, hence my suggestion of perhaps a book or some other resource that makes it clear to her it's ok to talk about feelings, it's ok if others worry about her, and then exploring other options for managing her feelings if she chooses not to talk to her parents, etc... thus taking the focus off talking. I probably didn't explain well in the OP - but something that gives her validation that "it's ok not to be ok" and it's "ok to talk", etc ...