Daughter struggling to talk about feelings

[LouJ85]

My DD (14) really struggles with talking about her feelings. She often bottles things up and will reply with "I'm fine" when I can see quite clearly she isn't. I pushed her a little more to talk to me the other day and she became quite tearful and said "I just don't like people to worry about me, so I say I'm fine". I've talked to her about the importance and benefits of opening up and talking about her feelings, which she seemed to take on board a little.

For Christmas, I want to get her something that might help her. I'm thinking along the lines of a book aimed at teenagers around how to talk about your feelings, or maybe a journal of some type?

Does anyone have any recommendations (or indeed advice around getting her to open up more!) Thank you

You’re available and there for her,maintain that, it’s important and she’ll value it
On balance you say she’s talkative more than not. She’s told you what her stressors are eg step mum Thats actually positive
I think being presented with a book is cringey it’s quite staged , keep it Natural

If things deteriorate, then reconsider your approach

@whenwillthemadnessend

My dd is the same. Also 14 I like the look of the book too. Apparently I'm Annoying and nag

Oh me too! I'm not "cool" either apparently, despite being a relatively young mum! 😂

Do you talk about your feeling with her too. I wondered if you sharing some of your feelings might help her get more comfortable to have that type of conversation and make it feel more usual. EG “I feel a bit rubbish today because someone at work made a comment about me”.

Do you do anything like bake or walk together. If not might be worth trying to instigate some time together doing an activity like that when it’s easier to talk.

Do you talk about your feeling with her too. I wondered if you sharing some of your feelings might help her get more comfortable to have that type of conversation and make it feel more usual. EG “I feel a bit rubbish today because someone at work made a comment about me”.

I don't actually, not as much as maybe I could or should. At times when it's been impossible to hide how I'm feeling due to the circumstances, she will immediately tune into my feelings asking "what's up, are you ok?" Etc. And I suppose as her mum I just try to pretend I'm better than I am because (ironically?) I don't want her to worry about me. But as a teenage girl she shouldn't be worrying about her mum, right? The other way around though is inevitable - which mum doesn't worry about their child from the day they are born? I've tried saying this to her , ie "it's my job to worry about you, I'm supposed to" etc ... but she's still insistent she doesn't want anyone worrying about her ☹️

DS is 24 now has always known that I’m there for him and he’s had some exceptionally tough times in the last 5 years, but he just prefers to deal with things alone. It’s hard, but I have to respect this.

But 24 is an adult. I can't expect my 14 year old to deal with certain things alone, surely?

I think it's lovely that you're looking for a nice way to help your DD through this. To be honest, I think you have actually expressed it really well in your post. When she's a bit down, offer some support, if declined, just say if you change your mind, you know where I am. You can simply say it's not her responsibility to worry for you too.
Teens can be a bit moody and introspective, counselling might feel a bit overkill if she's just a bit blue.

@LouJ85 I can understand why you might not share your feeling with your daughter if you don’t want her to worry about you. It certainly wouldn’t be helpful for a parent to be breaking down and relying on their child to comfort and manage their emotions. However I think there is scope to share your feelings in a healthy way. For example by talking about how you feel and then modelling a healthy way to deal with those feelings.

I think what AIMD says makes a lot of sense. She's not going to share if you never share your feelings.

AIMD oh yes I do this, in bucket loads! Calmly, in a measured way etc ... what I meant was, when I'm at the point of being really upset, anxious, annoyed etc, that's when try and shield it from her. But I'd have no calmly issue saying "you know what I'm so annoyed / upset about x today because....". I guess there's a fine line though isn't there - if I know talking about it will cause me to break down crying, I'll save it for my partner so she's not left feeling that she has to comfort her mum (not her job at all). It's a very tricky balance to strike.

So what I will say is - I've certainly modelled communication about emotions. But expression of them and how to deal with / regulate them... maybe less so?? So something for me to work on there.

Sorry that last post was for @AIMD

@Beamur

I think it's lovely that you're looking for a nice way to help your DD through this. To be honest, I think you have actually expressed it really well in your post. When she's a bit down, offer some support, if declined, just say if you change your mind, you know where I am. You can simply say it's not her responsibility to worry for you too. Teens can be a bit moody and introspective, counselling might feel a bit overkill if she's just a bit blue.

Thank you! Helpful advice

Listen. Any time she talks, try very hard to make time to listen. Put other things aside to try to pay attention. She talks, you listen. Don't ask questions that go beyond what she said and she indicates she wants to talk about. Engage with the most banal things she is thinking aloud about. Ask her questions that support what she wants to think about, which might be very uninteresting or about any decision making she is working on. Respect her right to make bad decisions Be the person she knows she can go to for honest information in the knowledge that you respect that she is allowed to make her own decisions.

My only exceptions to those rules are after 11pm (I'm allowed to sleep!) and if they are angry & abusive. I don't have to listen if they're being offensive.

Listen. Any time she talks, try very hard to make time to listen. Put other things aside to try to pay attention. She talks, you listen. Don't ask questions that go beyond what she said and she indicates she wants to talk about. Engage with the most banal things she is thinking aloud about. Ask her questions that support what she wants to think about, which might be very uninteresting or about any decision making she is working on.

Everything up to this sentence I agree with and I absolutely do.

You lost me a little when you said "respect her right to make bad decisions" and "respect that she is allowed to make her own decisions". I disagree here - she's only 14. If I respected her right to make bad decisions, she'd be eating McDonalds every single night for her tea (sometimes not eating at all as another thing she does at times is try to skip meals without me knowing), she'd be going to school on an ad hoc basis when she could be bothered and wanted to see her friends (she'd probably make it to school 3 out of 5 days a week), she'd be in bed around midnight to 1am every single night, unable to get up for her school bus the next day.... the list goes on.

It's slightly off topic from the OP, but I can't allow my 14 year old to make her own decisions. In some aspects of life, yes. But in others I need to keep parental control.

@LouJ85 I'd guess that poster meant "her right to make some bad decisions, not all"

I think sometimes it's just personality difference. I'll emote to anyone who will listen; getting my DD14 to talk about her feelings has always been like pulling hen's teeth. I'm certainly going to take note of the good advice on this thread.

getting my DD14 to talk about her feelings has always been like pulling hen's teeth. I'm certainly going to take note of the good advice on this thread.

It can feel like that can't it! And I tend to end up blaming myself (in true mum style), thinking what can or should I be doing differently here to help her open up. Maybe there's nothing else I can do at this point but remain available to her.

I'm glad this thread was helpful for you too.

If I respected her right to make bad decisions, she'd be [3 examples bad decisions]...

Then you've got way bigger problems than whether she talks about her feelings. You should have explained all those problems first. They say that bad decision-making arises from low self-esteem. Kids make bad decisions when they don't believe that they deserve good things in their lives or that a good future is worth planning for.

Mine are honest with me about what's going in their head because they want my advice. And I try to point out to them the principles I know they want to live their lives by. Then they can decide what the right action is to achieve the things they want. I'm trying to help them figure out how to make good choices. So in your examples, I'd say "Why do you want to waste so much time and money in McDonalds?" Or "If you bomb your GCSEs by missing too much school, what kind of jobs do you think you'll have a chance to get, what is your plan to make sure you have secure work and a good income?" or "Are you going to pay for the massive fines I'll get if you end up truant all the time because you can't get up in the morning after staying up too late each night?" I don't go with "I can't permit that" except the most dangerous situations. For which they are grateful, tbf. Teens like (love) someone to be a firm decision maker in their lives.

Maybe you're right. You can't listen. You don't want to hear what's in her head. Shame.

Some posters on here will lose their minds at the thought of having something like this in their teenagers' lives, but I don't give a shiny shit

A lot of teenagers struggle with talking about their feelings because they don't have names for what they're feeling. I ran a workshop for 14-17 year olds not long ago and most of them could only easily name about 6 or 7 emotions.

A little while looking over this, and a number of them popped like champagne bottles.

Not all, mind, but it made a big difference for a few.

Also strongly recommend modelling what it looks like to notice and name your own emotions, without trying to 'fix' them.

"Gosh, when you said X, I felt Y."
"I just got a big wave of Z"
"This happened today, and I've noticed I'm feeling a bit X".

If it becomes part of the normal chatter of your household, it'll feel less weird to join in...

@lljkk

I completely disagree! How judgement are you?!

Of course I challenge all those bad decisions she tries to make. With similar language to how you've described. You were the person who suggested I allow her to make bad decisions and I was pointing out exactly why I can't and would not be doing that - hence my parenting is firm!! And how dare you suggest I don't want to know what's going on inside her head when this entire post was created for help with just that!!! You have completely invented your own version of what is going on. You can crack on with that and I'll be disregarding any of your further comments, thanks.

@lljkk I'm glad you have an über functioning family, truly, but most of us don't, for a whole variety of reasons or maybe for no obvious reason.

Wouldn't most teens stay up past midnight if allowed to? As, indeed, would many many adults if they don't have responsibilities.

I think you're being very unfair to the OP.

I don't go with "I can't permit that" except the most dangerous situations. For which they are grateful, tbf.

And neither do I ever or have I ever used the phrase "I can't permit that". Where have I said that?!?! I explore it with her, I ask her questions, I explain the alternatives ("I'm making a nice lasagne tonight, why do you want McDonald's when you can have this?" / "you do realise I end up fined if you can't get up for school because you're too tired from late nights? We need to work on this together, DD..." etc etc)

You have presumed to know that 1) my daughter had low self esteem because she's pushing the boundaries of what she wants to do like most teens do, and 2) that instead of exploring / challenging in a helpful way, I just say "I can't permit that" like some kind of robot!!

Dear Christ. I thought the step parenting board was dodgy but on here isn't much less judgmental is it? 🙄

[quote Augustbreeze]@lljkk I'm glad you have an über functioning family, truly, but most of us don't, for a whole variety of reasons or maybe for no obvious reason.

Wouldn't most teens stay up past midnight if allowed to? As, indeed, would many many adults if they don't have responsibilities.

I think you're being very unfair to the OP.[/quote]
Thank you!
I thought it was just me for a second there! Flabbergasted at that utterly inaccurate, fictional and judgemental post from someone with an evidently perfect family. Good for you!! 🙄

You should have explained all those problems first. They say that bad decision-making arises from low self-esteem.

No, "they" (whoever they are) do not say this. This would be a massively overly simplified version of where low self esteem in children comes from. It comes from inconsistent care / love and repeatedly being told you're not good enough as you are. As someone who has researched this area to PhD level, you'll have to take my word for that one.

And besides it's irrelevant to this thread as my daughter does not have allow self esteem, she is a happy and well adjusted bubbly teen the majority of times, I've already stated if you'd bothered to read it. There are just occasions when things are bothering her that she struggles to express them for fear of "others worrying about her". I don't know where it comes from but I'm determined to help her with it, hence this post in the first place.

But yes, clearly a mum who cares enough to post on MN for advice clearly "doesn't care" what's going on for her daughter and doesn't want to listen. Obviously!

@ladybee28

That's such an interesting and helpful post (in stark contrast to others) - so thank you!

A lot of teenagers struggle with talking about their feelings because they don't have names for what they're feeling. I ran a workshop for 14-17 year olds not long ago and most of them could only easily name about 6 or 7 emotions.

This is very interesting. So work around emotional literacy would be good then, recognising and naming emotions then learning to manage and express them?

@ladybee28

I love the feelings wheel! I've actually used it in my work with adults at times. It's funny how you can do a job day in day out but then struggle to apply the same principles to your own child! Thank you for the inspiration

Yes thank you. I've screen shifted the feelings wheel. It's a very useful tool.