Teen self harmed - how can I get him help

[Woollyslippers]

This has knocked me sideways. He always seemed a happy, chilled teenager. But he came to me a few weeks ago and said he was feeling down. We had a good chat and he felt better for it. I asked that we revisit how he was feeling a few weeks later and if he wanted we could see what other options might be available (counselling, etc.). He said he’d see how he went.

Fast forward to now and he’s been having stress headaches, and to my shock, had badly self harmed, cutting his arm quite a bit. It was his sister who voiced her concerns as she said she’d heard him sobbing in his room about a year ago and went to investigate. He had self harmed then too but not as badly. She helped put a plaster on and said if he did it again she’d tell Mum. She had noticed drops of blood on the bath mat and so told me. The following day I watched him like a hawk and noticed he was covering up his arm and seemed very withdrawn. I kept reassuring him and asking if he was ok. He wouldn’t say but I could tell he was bothered. Finally I sat with him in his room and said I wasn’t leaving until he told me what was bothering him. I coaxed it out of him and eventually got his arm and pulled his sleeve up. I was shocked at the amount he’d cut himself though the cuts weren’t deep. But I just held his hand and reassured him I was just worried and he could tell me anything.

He said he just felt in a dark space and didn’t know what to do to make himself happy or what he was doing with his life or what his purpose was. I just kept reassuring him and said that I think he should speak with someone who could help him with all of this.

Roll on a few more days and he’s still withdrawn and says he just wants to work through it himself. I am at my wits end and terrified he does something worse or bottles everything up. I’ve tried talking to him but he just dismissed it and says let’s not talk about it.
So I’ve sent him some links to self help pages.

What else can I do? Should I mention it to his school? He’d be horrified that I had.

I’ve also learned that he had told his mate about it who had encouraged him to speak to me. His mate also spoke to his sister saying he was worried about him and to look out for him.

My gorgeous wee lad is in an unhappy place and I’m so worried about him.

Please any advice, handholding, anything most welcome

Hey, this might be from a different point of view as I haven't got a teenager myself but I'm early twenties so have recently come out of my teens, like your son I was the same in terms of self-harming etc for various reasons due to ill mental health. I'm so pleased you're willing to support him as when I was younger my family were not there for me. First of all, I know it's extremely tough to be in his position but equally it must be so difficult to be on the opposite side watching him like this as a mother. I'd advise you to reach out to the school, contact his head of year and just make them aware that your son has been self-harming as you don't want it to carry on in school as well. I'm not sure where you live but in the UK we have something called CAMHS mental health service for adolescents (they can be hit or miss with young people but in my case they helped me), you can ask your GP or his school to refer. It might be worth visiting the GP to perhaps look at medication in the meantime whilst being on a waiting list for therapy. There are support groups your GP will also be able to access where he can meet people in a similar position to him. I know this sounds extreme but lock away sharps such as razors etc, monitor the kitchen knives and lock away the tablets just in case he starts trying other methods of self-harm. Sorry my reply is so long, congratulations if you've made it this far! But I'm sending a virtual hug, you're not alone and it will get better for you and him!x

How old is he?

I would encourage him to visit the GP with or without you.

, it’s not an easy thing to live with

Sending hugs, OP, this must be so tough but please stay calm and take control of the situation.

I am no expert but I did some mental health training at work and they said that self harm is a coping mechanism. It releases the tension (or other unbearable feelings) temporarily and is a way for people to manage their situation.

Please contact the school and the GP, your son needs professional help. Could you afford a private counsellor? Your GP might have recommendations if CAMHS Has a poor service in your area.

Try not to alarm you ds by showing him how upset you are because it might make him feel more guilty and ashamed.

Find a way to control what he is accessing online as there are apparently horrendous websites out there promoting this sort of thing and worse.

Does he do exercise? Is he possibly into drugs? School stress? Try and find out as much as you can from your dd and his friends (discreetly) and keep and solid reliable channel of communication with your lovely boy. Wishing you all the best.

It is worth having a quiet word with his school pastoral team, too. Try and do it in partnership with him though. The school is likely to notice the injuries at some point, he can have more control and autonomy over the situation if it’s something he approaches the school with rather than it being something they ‘ambush’ him with.

I recommend speaking to the school and definitely your GP who should refer you hopefully to CAMHS. We've just had quite a quick referral for DD. She also talks about feeling in a dark place and has had suicidal thoughts. YOUR DS is lucky he has you on his side looking out for him. Definitely call the GP.

He’s 15! I’m trying to encourage him to see GP or anyone but he’s having none of it just now. I can’t exactly drag him there he’s a strapping big lad.
I’ll mention it to his guidance teacher. Thanks for replying. I’m just so sad for him.

DH is too but is more going with the let him be for a bit and let him know we are there for him and not put too much pressure on him.

Just over a year ago I discovered my 15 year old son had been hoarding food and starving himself. I tried to handle it myself by talking etc but 6 weeks later saw it had got worse. I made an appointment to see the GP I his name and he was referred to the eating disorder department at CAHMS. He was diagnosed as selective anorexic and was down to the 3rd centile for his height when he should have been closer to the 65th centile. He denied he had a problem and said he would see how things went when I first approached him and this is still his opinion now. He had a small dip at the beginning of lockdown 1 so he was put on priority face to face appointments. He is still under treatment as although he is now weight restored, they are trying to figure out the root causes and are developing strategies to prevent a relapse. They wont discharge him until these are in place.

I know my situation is not the same as yours but I definitely recommend getting some help from his GP and CAHMS. They are really not as bad as some reports in the media suggest. They will also look at support and talking therapy for you and his sister to assist with his treatment.

I am sorry your family is dealing with this but it wont go away on it's own. I know that from my sons situation. You can do this

I forgot to say, I echo others thoughts about talking to the school too. I did and they were a great support as he was doing his exams and had to attend appointments during school time. I also had to speak to the safeguarding teacher as they wanted to make sure he was receiving treatment. They may want to know this in your sons case too as he is harming himself

You can't just let him be for a bit. You can't force him to see the GP but you can have a consultation with your family doctor and get advice yourself, they will be knowledgeable.

I would take this 100% seriously, obviously without showing him you are panicked.

You and you dh can't afford to just be sad for him, you have to help him tackle this, it's not a healthy situation. At the very least he needs to understand the risk of infection and try and address the feelings that cause him to release in this way.

There could be a million reasons causing him to self harm. Is he on the spectrum, possibly, maybe confused about his sexuality etc.... or is it a peer pressure situation? I reiterate that you must find out what websites he is visiting on all his devices to make sure that he isn't accessing potentially toxic content.

That also strikes a chord. He’s lost some weight too. He’s a fit lad and tbh he’s not any thinner than his mates just thinner than he was. Having said that he’s had pizza two nights in a row and just cooked a curry for us all where he ate most of it, leaving only a couple of forkfuls.

Thankyou all. I feel like I need a good cry but I’ve not been able to yet

Smiggles. I will try to, he’s got passwords on his phone and laptop so that might be difficult

You will cry. Eventually. I cried many times and still do. Even just this last week in his latest appointment.
He might cry. He might shout. He might hate you for a little but too. But at the end of the day you are his mum and you know in your gut that he needs help. It's your job to get him that help. It wont go away on it's own.

To be honest i suggest you pay for the best therapist you can who has the best experience in this area. My son was also the same which also worried me sick. I was recommended to a psychologist who he has seen in private and is now so much confident and happy with life . I am utterly relieved but he is also happy he has had therapy . Im sorry to say it was expensive but actually quite sort in time , shorter than i thought . All the very best

@Molly333 could I please ask how long your ds's therapy was and how you went about finding a good therapist?

Sympathies, OP, we have been through something similar. Your GP can refer to CAMHS but waiting lists are pretty long in most areas and the help they offer is very hit and miss. I would also suggest a private psychotherapist or psychologist if you have the means. Many are doing video consultations now. During a trip to hospital with my self harming child one of the doctors said it was wise to opt for private therapy as the wait can be so long

My DD, also 15 cuts herself. I find it scary, shocking, I feel so worried and powerless. However, I know it is not about me.

I have second guessed myself a lot, around whether I should be intercepting, taking her blades etc. We can talk about it now, although I never know she has hurt herself, I know when she is low/v. Anxious.

Although it is a scary question, you could consider asking .him if he has thought about killing himself. If he says yes, then you know how bad this is, and you have an opportunity to intervene. It also takes some of the taboo out of this, and you can demonstrate that you are there to help him. Most teens who self harm do it for a feeling of control over their lives or for the feeling of release it gives them.

My DD is getting some (limited) help from school and we have a CAMHS referral pending. In the meantime, CAMHS have recommended an app called Calm Harm which has techniques to 'ride the wave' plus a journal function and tips on harm minimization.

In terms of CAMHS, it is worth finding out if your local service have a crisis team for young people. Honestly, I wish I'd acted earlier. I thought my dd was likely to grow out of this as a phase and she hasn't, however I am optimistic about the future and she knows I have her back 100%.

I think he was in therapy for about 6 months . I would contact the psychologist association/ professional body. I spoke to the psychologist and explained what was happening , they then said what experience they had and how they would help, then i stepped out. . I can honestly say they championed my son , it was about him and him being happy with life and who he is . He is very positive when he talks about it too saying he felt utterly supported wanting to move forward. I think being a psychologist was key in this case

Managed to ease some more info out of him. He’s hating most of his subjects at school and wishes he’d taken different subjects. We’re in Scotland so he is in S4 taking Nat5s. We’ve had a discussion about how what he decides now doesn’t have to be the path he’s on for life and that there are options to change. I think he’s got himself so worked up about this.
I’m going to speak with his guidance teacher tomorrow and talk about everything and how it’s effecting him.
Then I’ve got a contact for a private coach/counsellor lady whom I’ll contact myself even if DS doesn’t want me to.
Jeez this has been the longest and shittiest of weeks and I’m exhausted by it but Thankyou all for being a sounding board and allowing me to let off a little steam as I’ve been holding it together for DS.

Did you manage to contact the private coach/counsellor? I wouldn't go for a coach but for someone who is a registered psychologist. Anyone can call themselves a coach, be wary of that.

Could you not get your ds' password for his phone and laptop? Alternatively, as the WIFI admin, you should be able to view a list of websites visited.

Sorry @Woollyslippers only just seen this, will PM you

I'm actually a teenager myself and I was in this situation not too long ago.

It's important to talk to him about how you're going to discuss this with his school/ any teachers. Seeking specialist help is actually something you can explore and then bring back to propose to him. But definitely don't go behind his back or against his will when discussing his struggles with any school teachers, year heads, principals etc. He needs to know that right from the get-go, he is listened to so he doesn't regret opening up. I know some people have suggested trying to access his internet data but honestly from what I can tell, I don't think that you'd find anything worthwhile. It would only be seen to him as a betrayal of trust so don't do that unless you have reason to believe he is being bullied, harassed or something else very dangerous. But if he is telling you that he is mainly bogged down by school then address that issue first.

Asking him what he feels would benefit him is a good start (in terms of possibly adjusting school hours, tutor lessons, visiting the gp, going to a mental health clinic/ outpatient group therapy, including more enjoyable things in his life). However, it can be a very daunting question to be asked so you might need to make a few suggestions there to get the ball rolling ie. (we know you find biology class very draining, so how about maybe we organize so that you have the option to go to [eg. Extra maths class ie. a lesson in the year above or below him that goes on at the same time]

Another suggestion would be that you'd ring up the local camhs and get an understanding of the options you guys have, make a clear list of the options available (medical [ask if he's willing to try medication/ to talk to a doctor who can answer any questions about meds], therapeutic [there are several kinds of therapy: dbt which is skill-based as in you learn coping mechanism for different situations; cbt where you work with a therapist to understand and adjust the link between thoughts, behaviour and emotions; ot which is a sensory-based therapy which can include therapy through physical movement or the use of senses like listening to certain sounds or scents of touches etc.)

Gather all this information that you get from speaking to a camhs rep on the phone (and don't be shy. The amount of fighting and waiting and people we had to go through to get a good treatment plan for me wasn't without many questions and demanding answers etc.)
Talk to him about what you guys can do.

Beyond that, I would recommend physically locking away any sharp objects. I didn't see this being recommended but it does help. Not having a blade available gives him more time to think before acting on his urges. This can cause a lot of tension as he likely won't want to let go of these. Don't force him. Suggest the idea that you guys (or just him, or him first and then you) go through his room and lock away anything dangerous to him. Again, don't tear into his room. It is extremely important that you give him the chance to be responsible and that you don't invade his privacy causing him extra anxiety. If you agree that he will go through his room first and you'll look through afterwards, then remember to check these spots: in stuffed animals/ sentimental items, pillows, the bed frame, socks/ underwear drawers, decorations (behind posters, under boxes/ in the lids, in things like piggy banks or plant pots). I imagine there might be one or more drawers for bits and bobs that he has (like deodorant, his phone charger, keys etc.) Those kind of drawers need to be searched thoroughly.

I wish you guys the best of luck. I hope I was able to be of some benefit. Obviously if there's anything else I can do, please let me know

mokalinpuh

Fantastic advice and really well explained.
Have you thought of being a mental health nurse/advisor as a career choice?

@mokalinpuh excellent advice around options to approach and involving the OPs DS in deciding how much help and when. As a parent in a similar situation it is helpful to consider.

One thing I dont agree on is taking away the blade/object he is using to harm himself. I think that is really risky as it is likely whatever he has been using is fairly small (not saying here small blades can't cause damage). Unless you are willing/able to take away everything sharp in the house, I think there is a real risk if you take away the pencil sharpener blade or the disposable razor that has been hacked (this is what my dd uses), you could be inadvertently guiding your son towards a kitchen knife or a Stanley blade or a broken bottle, where the potential for accidental damage is much higher.

As an alternative maybe you could talk about a 'safe place' the blade could be kept so that it is less accessible in the heat of the moment but still available to your ds. I'm thinking a combination safe or a locking puzzle ball.

I’m a bit late on this post but also look at TIC website (Teens in Crisis). My daughter, after various counselling sessions with different organisations (she hated them), got texting with a counsellor rather than speaking and used to have weekly hour sessions. She found this really helpful. She never told me of their discussions but helped her with info and stopping self harming and life in general. She was 15 when this started after a relative bereavement. Hugs to you. There is hope. Just keep onto organisations - don’t give up.

Thankyou all.

Update. I did speak to his guidance teacher (behind his back - sorry - hadn't read your post in time moka). She was very sympathetic and her approach was going to be that she'd speak to him under the guise of something else that she was speaking to others about. She hasn't managed to yet but is scheduled to do so on Monday.

I've also spoken to a child psychiatrist - a friend actually who has gone through similar with her own child. She gave me great, straightforward advice. Firstly to establish if he really wants to end his life or if this is to take some sort of pain away whilst dealing with feelings. My instinct and I did actually ask the question, would suggest the latter, thankfully.
She also said that therapy and talking about it isn't for everyone and that it was important to understand that. She pointed me to websites and I've also bought some easy to follow self help books. He's not much of a reader and more of a visual learner so will see how he gets on with them.

This week he's been better and I've been checking on him. I did fess up to reading a wee book by his bed where he'd written that he felt sad but have said I won't do it again. I've also explained that as his Mum I'm going to worry anyway so he needs to keep talking to me so I worry about real stuff rather than imagined. I said I'd do my usual Mum nagging - pick clothes up, do chores, etc. but every so often I would revisit this and just check up on it and he had to accept that. He seemed fine with it. He is talking to his pals about it which is good.
He's got a schedule all worked out for the moment as to how he fills his time and though it's early days, seems to be following it.

Will keep you posted and thank you all for your help. You don't know how important it is to have sound advice without judgement. xxx