Unsure what to do/how to feel my 19 year old isn't talking to me

[Frogcentral]

I'm looking for advice/observations as I feel really confused/conflicted about this situation. We've had some difficult times but I think we have ok relationships in the family and my dd 19 would usually tell me quite a lot about her life and I help her and do quite a lot for her. She recently changed the course she was doing at uni and didn't want wider family to know. I knew this and although I didn't understand why it was a secret I was OK with it. Unfortunately in a moment of genuine lack of thinking/answering a question on automatic pilot I let one of the people know.

DD was furious. I apologised immediately, sent a text apologising again and a few weeks later when she still wasn't speaking to me (and had told her DF that I hadn't apologised) I also sent a letter very clearly taking full responsibility and apologising again. It's now been 8 weeks since 11 sept and I don't know what to do or how to feel. Im fairly sure this isn't normal.

For what it's worth I certainly don't have form for being indiscreet or insensitive, most people would say I'm pretty private, I just really didn't think in that one moment. Sometimes I just think I have to give her time and not worry. Other times I feel really hurt and upset and it feels very unfair. And again other times I think I should ring her but I think she would put the phone down on me and I'm not sure I should be putting myself in that position. I know what I did was wrong but it feels like the 'punishment' (given it's not something I've ever done before) isn't 'fair'. I'd really appreciate some outside thoughts.

Are you sure you don’t have form for it?

My mum would say she doesn’t but she absolutely does!!

Also I don’t get how something she specifically asked you not to tell someone, accidentally slips out, then sending a text is a weak way to apologise.

Sorry to be harsh but you did ask. I’d go see her in person and make up.

Why doesn’t she want people to know? That seems to be important here.

Why would the extended family even care what she does at university? Sounds like information that would elicit, 'Oh, that's nice,' at the very most.

I know what you mean Namechanged, but I am pretty sure I don't have form for it. Of course I talk about my children with my friends but I don't share wide and random, and for example I've been vague about exam results when asked.

And Katy, you're absolutely right noone would actually care but she felt they might (and I think just wanted to bed into the new course before they knew). They live in a different country and she thought they might judge. There is no rational basis to care but I did know she was sensitive about it.

Wow I'm surprised she's still punishing you for it. Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope she comes round soon, you're only human, I know teenagers forget that, but still. She is also an adult and will have to learn to bury the hatchet at some point. Sorry I have no real advice, but good luck.

Name changed, also yes I did wonder if I should have done more as it were to apologise. I said immediately when she rang me (in tears and angry) to tell me they'd congratulated her that I was sorry (I had been so absent minded in the original conversation that I hadn't even realised what I'd done, it's no defence but I was tired and stressed about something else which was why I'd rung them). I then texted a heart felt apology because I knew she hadn't listed to my words.

I guess there is a little bit of me that sometimes feels that no matter how much I do for her (and objectively I do a lot) it never seems to be quite enough - and I suppose that's what's making me wonder whether I should be apologising more and bigger or if what I've done is enough and I just have to wait for her to come round. My apology letter was very complete (as in I didn't half apologise I said it was completely my fault and it was her news to share as and when she wanted).

She needs to grow up! In the grand scheme of things who cares what course she does at uni?! Unless I am missing something

Wow, I sort of feel your dd is being unreasonable. I’m very close to my dd who is at uni and would be very hurt if she stopped talking to me. Tbh I don’t think any of my extended family or friends would care if my dd changed course, not sure they even know what she is studying! So I actually think she is being cruel to you. You made a mistake and apologised.

There must be more to this situation. I can understand her not wanting to tell wider family she's changed course, and I can understand her being annoyed at you for going against her wishes, but the reaction is disproportionate.
Has there been a previous situation where wider family caused offence in her life?
If this came about because someone called to congratulate her - surely a nice call to receive even if unexpected - why is she so distressed?
If there genuinely isn't previous history with family then I would guess something else is going on in her life that you're not aware of, and whatever it is is clearly causing her stress/distress/anxiety.
Could you try asking about that? Tell her again that you're sorry for breaking her confidence and ask if everything else is ok?

Your daughter sounds childish and rude. I would not pander to her tantrums any longer.

Stop apologising and tell her you will not be apologising again. You're human, you made a mistake, just like she does, and you can't do any more about it. Your daughter is being ridiculous and shockingly immature. Leave her be for now.

Well if she wants picking up for Christmas then she may need to change her attitude?

You have apologised. End of. If she cannot deal with that my response would have to. Insider would I want her in the family home in the next few months?

She sounds like a complete madam who is rather enjoying all of the attention and having you chase and grovel.

This was a minor indiscretion on your part. She is being completely unreasonable.

I'd give her a taste of her own medicine and go quiet on her for a while. She should be apologising now, you've done enough.

The extended family tend towards very academic; her first course was more in this direction but she's switched to much more creative. It's definitely a better fit for her and we were very supportive of the switch. I've never noticed any 'looking down' from the extended family tho at all.

She's in contact with her DF and seems very happy with the change of course.

I'm grateful for the replies saying she may be being unreasonable because I do find it difficult to draw a line, worrying I've not done enough or been emotionally open enough (bit of my natural personality, bit of past experiences) - so those of you who think that would you just wait and see what happens when she comes home at Christmas, would you just act normally then and see what she does, would you phone her and say hey this has gone on long enough (though I'd be really hurt if she put the phone down which I think she might) - she messaged her DF to say she doesn't want to hear from me. I know he feels upset/cross for me and has pointed out to her what he thinks when she talks about it. I've stayed neutral/haven't asked him much because I don't want to make a drama unnecessarily. I'm just not sure how to behave or what to do. Am very much appreciating alternative perspectives though, thank you.

Sounds like a petulant drama queen.

Ok so she might be feeling some embarrassment or that she might be judged by the family for changing courses. That's something she needs to get over, I doubt anyone really cares that much!

Your husband should really have your back here. He should be telling her in no uncertain terms that this has gone on long enough. Or, you could call her and be assertive, not pandering to her tantrums. If she slams the phone down, I would then be telling her that she's not welcome back home whilst she's harbouring such resentment for you! Oh and if you are financially supporting her, perhaps that needs a rethink too!

@Arielsgift

Sounds like a petulant drama queen.

This ^^

She is massively overreacting.

I’d say as a parent you have probably given 110% and she needs you more now than she has done before. Give her time to think about what she misses and how much you give her.

My DD often has a rant and then says sorry because she wants a lift or money or something trivial, but it does make them think about the bigger picture. You said sorry. Leave it.

Ok. Is there a reason the roles seem to have been swapped here, and you're running around apologising for existing? Is this the normal dynamic between the two of you? Personally I think writing a letter was above and beyond, she seems to thrive on drama, or maybe on being the victim.
You need to take a step back, and stop apologising. Don't phone her. Maybe a text saying you've already said sorry, you'll wait until she's grown up enough to get in touch. You need to be the adult. No emotional responses. Stay calm and reasonable when she finally gets in touch but don't feed the drama, and don't back down.

Thank you so much everyone. I think I really needed to hear some alternate perspectives (and some 'permission' not to pick up the rope some more). I think I'm realising that I have pussy footed around both my children a little too much and have not done them or me any favours in the process.

However please can I ask one more question. It is her birthday soon. I already have the present. It's not that big as she already used up some of her birthday money a few months ago. However it's nice. Normally I'd probably put some more small treats along with it. I'm divided between thinking I should 'rise above it' 'act the adult' and just send it as normal but without too much gushing in the card; or I should take her at face value and not send anything as she's told DF and younger DD that she doesn't want to hear from me; or leave it to DF to send it or something else (but that seems the most ridiculous in a way as he has never really inputted into birthdays/christmas)? Or maybe some other option I haven't considered, like sending it but with a note addressing the issue. Again I would welcome thoughts to lift me out of my too close to see position!

And of course I'm already wondering how Christmas will go but so far doing relatively well at waiting til nearer the time til I try to fix that - although I will be holding Picking Daisies in mantra in mind 'dont feed the drama and dont back down', thank you.

I'm with those who think she's being a right madam and is enjoying having you running around after her apologising. My own mum would have told me to jog on long ago if I had pulled this during my melodramatic late teens stage.

For her birthday, I'd be very, very tempted to not send anything and then respond to the resulting kickoff by telling her you were respecting her wishes not to contact you. But on balance I think I'd probably bear in mind that I do want to make it up with her and send the present with a less effusive card and no extras, so as to be the bigger person and not give an excuse for a strop of truly epic proportions.

I would send the present, no extras, with a card saying, happy birthday DD, love from mum xx
That way you are still being the adult.
Don't write any more. That would give her a reason to restart the argument.

If you don’t send it, it will create more drama her end. She’ll bitch about you to everyone who’ll listen.

In this case send the gift and short card wishing her a happy birthday.

She’ll be back when she wants something

I'd stop this ridiculous tip toeing round her for a start. Yes to sending the gift with a card - don't gush in the card, a 'lots of love, Mum' will suffice or whatever you would normally put

She sounds rude to me. You're her mother and she seems to have a complete lack of respect for you.

Send the gift, a card, no note apart from to say hope you enjoyed what your birthday money bought you 3 months ago as well.