Unsure what to do/how to feel my 19 year old isn't talking to me

[Frogcentral]

I'm looking for advice/observations as I feel really confused/conflicted about this situation. We've had some difficult times but I think we have ok relationships in the family and my dd 19 would usually tell me quite a lot about her life and I help her and do quite a lot for her. She recently changed the course she was doing at uni and didn't want wider family to know. I knew this and although I didn't understand why it was a secret I was OK with it. Unfortunately in a moment of genuine lack of thinking/answering a question on automatic pilot I let one of the people know.

DD was furious. I apologised immediately, sent a text apologising again and a few weeks later when she still wasn't speaking to me (and had told her DF that I hadn't apologised) I also sent a letter very clearly taking full responsibility and apologising again. It's now been 8 weeks since 11 sept and I don't know what to do or how to feel. Im fairly sure this isn't normal.

For what it's worth I certainly don't have form for being indiscreet or insensitive, most people would say I'm pretty private, I just really didn't think in that one moment. Sometimes I just think I have to give her time and not worry. Other times I feel really hurt and upset and it feels very unfair. And again other times I think I should ring her but I think she would put the phone down on me and I'm not sure I should be putting myself in that position. I know what I did was wrong but it feels like the 'punishment' (given it's not something I've ever done before) isn't 'fair'. I'd really appreciate some outside thoughts.

She doesnt want to hear from you. That means no card and no present sent in my book, leave it to your dh to sort. Instead of doing more for her, have you thought of doing less? It's very easy to treat people badly if they let you.

I’m not sure if you are still checking the thread as you originally started it over a week ago but I had a similar situation with my DD where she took offence at something that had happened and decided I had to be punished. It stopped when she needed a corporate outfit for a presentation. She didn’t need me but did need my credit card.

I drove down to spend a couple of days with her, a 4 hour drive during which I played so many angry scenarios over in my head. Ultimately neither of us mentioned it again. She was quite subdued when I got there and do think she realised she’d been a dick (not least cos her sister told her so)

You have apologised, leave it at that, send the birthday gift as you would normally, maybe message to wish her happy birthday and eventually it will go away. Do remember she’s away from home during a particularly awful time for students as they can’t go out and large numbers are self isolating in halls. This will augment any drama going on in her head.

I found the best way to survive these late teenage years is to stop being available. Help when you can (want to) but focus on you. I started scuba diving, you can’t answer the constant texts if you’re underwater.

@billybagpuss Thank you! I am still checking the thread (mainly because I know I need to hold onto some of the thoughts about allowing her to grow up and not allowing her to make a drama out of an honest and regretted mistake - in fact I'll probably be re-reading too for when she's due to arrive home for Christmas) and your comment made me laugh so much! I won't be taking up scuba diving but I completely get the advice. I do feel sometimes that I spend my entire weekend doing 'filler' activities until DDs require something of me (that sounds pretty pathetic written like that but I hope you know what I mean). It's often only work that provides a barrier.

I still don't really understand why she's taken this much of a stand on this issue (and maybe hopefully she doesn't either, maybe she's just got 'stuck' in it and doesn't want to back down) so maybe like your daughter when she comes home it will just be let go - I know both her DF and DD2 don't understand it. But I think also it has made me think a lot about my boundaries and why so much seems to be expected of me.

I have really appreciated everyone's thoughts on this. I think you need a bit of external perspective from time to time.

@Frogcentral that’s exactly how I felt for quite some time especially before they both started learning to drive. it’s the constant using me as the dumping ground for all their emotional baggage, every single day, they don’t want constructive help just want me to offload it all on me it’s exhausting.

Your other option with dd is to just message her Don’t mention the incident, just ask how she is and ask stupid little questions like what she wants for Christmas, or tell her small talk about aunty beryls dog. She may well ignore it, or she may jump on the opportunity for normality and a chat. There is a chance it may backfire but it will mean that you don’t get accused of not trying, and it shows you’re no longer willing to jump to her diva strop. Just open the communication lines and see what happens. It’s been 2 months. 💐

Send her the card and present and wait for her to get in touch. If she still hasn't in a week or so, ring her and say you have missed speaking to her. If she is still sulking, tell her it has gone on for tool long and that you have apologised. She needs to act more maturely. It sounds like she is rather spoilt and immature.

Could she be depressed? Are you sure she isn't replying because of this incident?
Probably a wide shot but depression at uni is very common, and I imagine worse with covid. DC can get completely lost as a student with no one really noticing or helping, probably even worse with online learning etc.

Yes there’s drama. But. She sounds like she’s struggling. Struggling, covid, “betrayal” , fear of judgement, down on herself. Punishing you. I would be inclined to phone once a week, turn up and wait in a coffee shop, bring gifts.

God how can you even consider being so manipulative with a gift?!

Just send a nice gift of the type you would normally send in the way you usually would normally send it. Your love for her remains consistent and does not waver. . Don’t feed into the drama or make the issue bigger and more complex then it is already. Role model maturity

Yes just tell her you’ve missed chatting to her and love her a lot.

Rise high and ask dh to send the present. I think rather than being in a relationship you are in a kind of tussle or fight where you are constantly trying to get it right / feeling you are not good enough and then feeling rejected and cross and critical. Low self esteem possibly? On her end she probably feels like her feelings are not her own or no space perhaps and she also hasn't learnt to respect you as an individual. Now she's older she can be more seperate and come and go from the relationship. You can stop trying to keep her with your actions - you are good enough just you.

@Porridgeoat I'm absolutely not being manipulative with the gift. I am trying hard not to feed the drama and am completely clear that I love and care for my dd. My concern with sending the gift was that I felt caught between what I would normally do and respecting what she has said she wants (ie for me not to contact her). Obviously I would prefer to send it but I was feeling unsure when she explicitly said 'no contact' - I saw the message on my dh phone and it was brief but to the point 'no contact, no apology' - that was after I sent a card with a very clear apology.

@Sakesman @HyperHippo Thank you both, I am as certain as I can be that she's actually pretty happy. She was pretty miserable at the previous course and was on the phone all the time. She's in regular contact with her DF (my dh) and her sister - long phone calls, video messages - and actually seems happy and more content with herself doing something she loves. It feels really weird not to be sharing that with her but for whatever reason she's not letting me.

@ScrapThatThen I've read that a few times because I do think there is something in that. I do try really hard with both dds and I think that makes them just expect/want more of me. If anything good comes out of this oddness it may be that I try to recalibrate the relationship. I've thought a lot about 'keep her with your actions' and I'm not sure how to change things but I am going to try.

It's her birthday next week so the gift is going with lovely card but regular non-gushy message. She's home around the 10th and I'm going to be normal warm chatty (if she'll let me!!) but slightly more unavailable. My fingers are firmly crossed.

Maybe this is her way of separating from me - but I genuinely don't think I am super clingy and neither is she. On school trips my friend's dds have contacted their mums more and she's been perfectly happy. I do do a lot for her and have supported encouraged her a lot - maybe need to do less. I suppose this new course is 'her project' and I didn't really help her find it/apply etc which is new for us. Maybe this will turn out to be a helpful phase in our relationship. I do feel hurt but am totally OK with managing that. I don't plan on holding it over her or acting it out. I'm definitely going to be 'OK' when she's home but I also don't feel like messaging/calling and getting rebuffed/told off.

Have you had any progress op, I hope she had a nice birthday and things are improving between you.

Thanks @billybagpuss she came home on saturday and the first half hour or so were difficult. I was speaking normally - airily pleasant - and she was kind of keeping out of my way but not unpleasantly. And then it just kind of went back to normal. She mentioned it once as an aside (& it seemed like she still had a grievance) so I decided not to open it all up again and let it go. Things are normal again now. I'll still bear in mind how much I make everything my problem/rush into fix which I think feeds the unrealistic expectations but it is a relief! Thank you so much to everyone who kept me calm and taking a step back.

Well done, now just ignore and pretend that it didn’t happen, I doubt she’ll mention it again, but if she does just shut it down with something along the lines of, ‘I’m not going to apologise again, it was a mistake’ and walk away. You won’t get an apology from her yet, but my eldest dd has been known to apologise years later. Have a good Christmas 🎄

Great thread update! Glad things working themselves out op.

If she mentions it again I would say something along the lines (in a third person impersonal sort of way) "you know, none of us are perfect, and parenting involves making a lot of mistakes but it also involves forgiving a lot of mistakes too" and don't engage further. Or if that is too indirect, "I think if you look back you will find that we have forgiven you for quite a few things over the years".

You sound like a lovely mum and I hope your dd comes to appreciate that more in time .

Op this isn't a direct comment about you but contemporary parenting in general:
I sometimes wonder if the parenting pendulum which has swung from benign neglect parenting in the 70s to parents being involved in, and trying to help with and accommodate, every aspect of their child's emotional pain, is in need of a bit of recalibration?

I am guilty of the latter and I am not convinced that it has done the DC much good in the long run tbh. I wanted to parent differently to my parents but may have gone too far in the other direction.

But I actually came on here to respond to something @Billybagpuss posted thread:

that’s exactly how I felt for quite some time especially before they both started learning to drive. it’s the constant using me as the dumping ground for all their emotional baggage, every single day, they don’t want constructive help just want me to offload it all on me it’s exhausting.

Omg this is exactly how I am feeling currently and it's a relief to see it written down. I can just about cope with it when life is going well. But life has delivered few body blows recently and my tolerance levels have plummeted. I just want them to carry their own emotional burdens for a bit and give me a break. And then I feel guilty for thinking that!

@Spittingchestnuts I fully empathise it is sole destroying when it’s constant like that. It’s a sign that you need to make time for you, I’d also go for a walk and not take my phone. Start being unavailable every now and then.

Omg this is exactly how I am feeling currently and it's a relief to see it written down. I can just about cope with it when life is going well. But life has delivered few body blows recently and my tolerance levels have plummeted. I just want them to carry their own emotional burdens for a bit and give me a break. And then I feel guilty for thinking that!

I don't think our dc ever realise that we're humans who don't have unlimited capacity for giving. I hope you have a circle of friends (or even just one) who you can offload to.
In fact I'm sure our dc don't think we even exist outside of their needs...

Thank you Bluecowwonders and Billybagbuss for those kind words! I've tried to introduce the occasional "unavailability" episode but it's tough under lockdown. And yes, I think they tend to see us only in relation to themselves most of the time and not as a separate entity. I do have three or four good close friends but we all only make the briefest of references to teen "behaviour" because we fear betraying confidences I think. It seems to be an unwritten rule anyway. And again ...Covid!

@Spittingchestnuts

Thank you Bluecowwonders and Billybagbuss for those kind words! I've tried to introduce the occasional "unavailability" episode but it's tough under lockdown. And yes, I think they tend to see us only in relation to themselves most of the time and not as a separate entity. I do have three or four good close friends but we all only make the briefest of references to teen "behaviour" because we fear betraying confidences I think. It seems to be an unwritten rule anyway. And again ...Covid!

I think there’s also a degree of embarrassment as no one likes to admit when their teens are playing up, you feel responsible for their behaviour. They are like this because of something you’ve done.

Yes Billybagpuss I think we all swing between "oh fhs they're just being a teen!" (dh's usual position) and "omg where have I gone wrong?" (my current position!).