Teens with bank accounts - are they expected to fund family birthday/Xmas gifts?

[Fudgecakes]

My dd is 15. In the summer we set her up with her own bank account into which we pay performance related pocket money and she's just had a birthday so there are Is also birthday money in there - albeit a but depleted thanks to multiple orders to PLT . She also spent about £100 on her boyfriend for his birthday

It's her dad's birthday next week and she's refused to fund his gift as its "her birthday money so she should spend it on herself"....but there's also tge pocket money element in there.

I feel sad she's taking this stance. It hurts that she can spend so much on her boyfriend but has no inclination to want to spend anything on her dad. Another PLT order turned up today....shame she didn't think to spend that £15 on him. She does so little for us, it's all typical teenage me, me attitude.

I feel I shoukd refuse to fund it. If I do it's highly likely he won't get anything from her as she won't be bothered. I don't want him to feel like she hasn't been bothered....but if i fund it, I'm propping her up and taking any responsibility away from her. I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable....maybe this should be in AIBU!!

Do you expect your teens to buy their gifts?

My children have paid for presents themselves ever since they started getting pocket money, even if it was a very small present.

I'd be pretty shocked at spending £100 on a boyfriend at 15 and tbh would be expressing my unhappiness that she had chosen to do that and not do anything for her Dad. I'd be making suggestions for free/inexpensive things she could do if she doesn't want to spend much. I wouldn't be paying for something myself.

I want to know more about the performance related pocket money and how that works!

This is a tough one because she needs to learn but I see you don’t want your husband to feel let down.
My teens (14 and 16) now pay for their own presents for me, their stepfather and each other from their pocket money. DS2 doesn’t spend much as he doesn’t get much and he’s not expected to spend birthday money on presents but DS1 has/had an occasional job so he spends a little more.

I think I would tell her if she can spend so much on her boyfriend then she should definitely buy her father a present. If she genuinely can’t afford it then maybe offer to buy something and take it out of future pocket money?

Mine are age 9-13 and I buy presents for DH from them. At Christmas we give them money to buy each other and me and DH Xmas presents.

It is her money. While it would be nice for her to get her dad I present I don’t think you can force her to, but I wouldn’t be buying one on her behalf either.

I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice from experience because my children are younger but I know when I was 15 I wasn’t expected to buy my dad presents, but I also didn’t get pocket money and I don’t think I ever had £100 to spend in one go until I was at least 18 and had a job!

Depends on how much pocket money she gets.

Thanks all...some interesting responses. I wasn't at all happy about her spending so much on her boyfriend....but at the same time felt it was lovely of her to be so generous and she said she'd rather spend it on him than on herself....shame she's no applying the same thought process to her dad!

I'm going to try and strike some middle ground....I'll stump up a fiver so at least he gets something....I'll encourage her to match it by saying he really wants X but it's a renner and see how we go.

Haha @ Fiddlersgreen....performance related pocket money.....basically there's £22 a week up for grabs. We've set about 7 criteria she needs to fulfill to get the full 22 so each one is worth £3 odd....like keeping bedroom tidy, helping round the house, doing stuff other than phone, being 100% respectful, handing phone over nicely at night, doing homework. We assess how well she's done and give her a % of that €3 odd for each one eg no helping round house she drops £3, arsey on 3 nights of handing over phone, she drops £1.50

Renner = tenner!

We gave ours money for buying gifts but they didn't get £22 a week pocket money at 15. They did get an allowance for lunches, travel, clothes, phone etc in the sixth form to learn how to budget before university but we didn't include gifts in the budget. It seemed unfair that if one DC was more generous (a positive thing to do), they were effectively penalised by having less to spend on themselves, whereas being tightfisted with gifts would mean they were rewarded by having more money for treats IYSWIM? At least, that was my logic when I decided not to include gifts.

I have a 13yr old and ever since she started getting pocket money she has bought gifts for friends and family. She isn't made too and if I tell her she doesn't have to she gets upset and tells me she wants to do it. If someone wants something a bit more costly then I would help her out

Jesus is this the going rtae for pocket money for a teen? Does she buy her own clothes?
She is being selfish. But teens can be. What's her relationship with her dad like?

She wouldn't be getting pocket money, it'd be going in her dad's gift.

£22 a week pocket money at age 15 [shocked][shocked]

There's no right or wrong answer, find a solution that works for your family but tbh there's no way I give a child that amount of money

Wow. There's SO much to unpick here.

Firstly, yes, my dc have bought presents for birthday and Christmas for all our (house) family, since they started getting pocket money, aged 7. The poin of pocket money is that they begin to have some concept of "if you spend it all, then it's gone" and "you can save a bit and spend a bit" and "if you spend if all on X there is nothing left for Y" as well as, " yes, it is your money, but there is pleasure in making nice choices, and choosing things that bring pleasure to other people" so, at 7,8,9 etc, they would go into the pound shop or similar and buy something they could reasonably afford, from those small amounts. Then it never was anything we, as parents would need to be involved in when they got to teens and then adulthood - buying your Dad (in this case) is 'what you do' in the same way 1001 other things you do in life are just automatic.

However "performance related pocket money" Really ?

and £22 a week ?? No wonder she has little idea of value for money.

Dd (11) buys me and DW presents with her own money. I got a Yankee candle for my birthday and DW got a Pandora charm.

Dd also doesn't mind nipping to the shop after school and picking up bread or milk. Occasionally I will transfer her an extra £5 to cover the costs.

When I say dd bought DW a Pandora charm it was £10 new off ebay, she's not spending all of her pocket money on other people.

Yes, she buys the majority of her own clothes to be fair....by average teen standards we get off quite lightly in that respect in that she doesn't hanker after costly labels like some do. So we don't feel that her pocket money allowance is excessive....and as I've explained, it is performance related... she has to earn it and rarely does she get the full £22.. it's more like £12-£15. My post is more about her attitude to how she spends it!

Wow, £22 a week!! DS is nearly 14 and he gets £20 a month! He does have a job now too, which is £15 per week, but he only had the £20 per month before then. Even that was plenty. Yes he is expected to buy his own presents now, including for friends. Spending £100 on a boyfriend is crazy! I imagine her attitude to money is not helped by the amount she gets and also the nature by which she gets it - the "performance related" bit. I find that slightly odd and controlling tbh. I would reduce the amount and just give it her each week, and find a different way to address behaviour issues. But that's just my opinion.

I cross posted - I guess if she's buying her clothes then the amount is isn't so high. But I'm guessing you buy her all the basics though, uniform, underwear, coat, shoes, some other items, and it's just extra clothes she buys?

My 15-yr-old doesn't receive pocket money but does earn money from babysitting outside of the family (albeit not right now). I tend to give her a bit of money towards buying gifts for family members, especially if she has an idea of a thoughtful gift that is beyond her budget.

Well if being 100% respectful is one over performance measures then being arsey and not wanting to buy her own Dad a birthday present when he stumps up £88 or £110 A month for pocket money means she has not achieved thay key performance indicator so I would dock her at least a quarter of her month's income!!!

My Dc like to buy presents with their pocket money, but I do give them £10 or £15 each in December to put towards buying presents for each other, me and DH.
Dd (13) has already bought presents for DH and Dd2 costing around £10 each, so has spent almost everything she had saved up (she only gets £2 a week), so I feel I should give some money towards it.

I'd be disappointed if they didn't want to spend any of their own money, but don't think they should be spending big amounts - token gifts are fine if chosen with thoughtfulness.

Gosh I never wanted my daughter to spend her money on us, I still don’t like it. I’d rather she had the money and saved it or did whatever she pleased with it

I am also quit surprised by that whole performance related pay stuff. That’s a bit much for me. Even the 100 percent respectful thing. But you make her earn it so no you don’t get to decide how she spends it.

so I would dock her at least a quarter of her month's income!!””

This is so sad, some homes must just be a battle field.

By 15 I would have thought expectations would be set based on what happened on previous years. My kids are still in single figures and for some reason they pay for each others birthday gifts but I pay for an Xmas gift they choose for each other.
She can definitely afford to stump up a tenner for her dad but if she never had to it won't occur to her to do it.

I don't think it is necessarily an excessive amount if there are a number of things she has to pay for. At 15 mine got £100 a month but had to pay for undies, tights, toiletries and sanpro etc from that. She was also expected to buy presents for immediate family and grandparents and always did so happily.

I suggest that you point out that Christmas is coming and that her attitude to giving presents might be reciprocated. Having said that a well chosen £5 gift should be more than enough for her father.