Teens with bank accounts - are they expected to fund family birthday/Xmas gifts?

[Fudgecakes]

My dd is 15. In the summer we set her up with her own bank account into which we pay performance related pocket money and she's just had a birthday so there are Is also birthday money in there - albeit a but depleted thanks to multiple orders to PLT . She also spent about £100 on her boyfriend for his birthday

It's her dad's birthday next week and she's refused to fund his gift as its "her birthday money so she should spend it on herself"....but there's also tge pocket money element in there.

I feel sad she's taking this stance. It hurts that she can spend so much on her boyfriend but has no inclination to want to spend anything on her dad. Another PLT order turned up today....shame she didn't think to spend that £15 on him. She does so little for us, it's all typical teenage me, me attitude.

I feel I shoukd refuse to fund it. If I do it's highly likely he won't get anything from her as she won't be bothered. I don't want him to feel like she hasn't been bothered....but if i fund it, I'm propping her up and taking any responsibility away from her. I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable....maybe this should be in AIBU!!

Do you expect your teens to buy their gifts?

If she has a potential £22 per week then she should be funding presents herself. That's plenty of money to treat herself as well as others and also have some to save. It sounds like she's being a bit selfish and if you contribute anything even if only £5 you're supporting her selfishness. Her dad might well be hurt on his birthday but she needs to see that hurt to learn the lesson. As a side point, the teens in my family are expected to do all of the things you list without being paid!

Sorry can't get past Performance related pocket money 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

You should have made your expectations on what she was responsible for clear from the outset. As you didn't I'd bung her £20 and get her to buy/order something for him.

And have that conversation with her! Fwiw mine had a similar amount and were expected to buy friends and family presents, their own clothes and entertainment. But I paid lunch money, travel costs, phone.

Holy crap, £22 a week? I got 50p a week until I got a weekend job! (In the 90s, but still...)

Her pocket money is transactional. Every single week it's negotiated, and consequently she sees it as hers that she's earned (and will resent the deductions) and so is possessive over it.

If you just gave her the same amount every week this whole way of thinking would disappear, imo.

My kids have bought treats for us and each other ever since the first day they had pocket money. But pocket money wasn't held over them as a transaction, so they had no reason to feel resentful about what they didn't get for whatever performance target they hadn't met that week.

Loosen up and teach her that things can be freely given.

I always bought family gifts of us collectively. My DD would buy her friends gift from her allowance

She would always buy me something and my DS3

DD is expected to buy gifts herself. At 12 she gets £20 a week but that covers bus fares and school meals although we cover her phone bill. She chooses to walk (2 miles each way) and take packed lunches instead (which she makes) as if she got the bus each day and paid for her lunches she'd have very little left. I'm pleased she's learning the value of what she spends already and is making decisions based on that.

Well put @saraclara

£22 a week
Although I am far too lazy for performance related pocket money and prefer a simple life where everyone mostly chips in to the running of the household and the kids have a bit of money to spend without it being controlled. 100% respectful blows my mind.

My kids love planning and buying presents for others in the family.
Of course your DD should be buying her dad a present, more importantly she should want to.

We've set about 7 criteria she needs to fulfill to get the full 22 so each one is worth £3 odd....like keeping bedroom tidy, helping round the house, doing stuff other than phone, being 100% respectful, handing phone over nicely at night, doing homework. We assess how well she's done and give her a % of that €3 odd for each one eg no helping round house she drops £3, arsey on 3 nights of handing over phone, she drops £1.50

That's insane. You're teaching her that far from doing the right thing because it's the right, decent or fair thing, everything has a price. So you only be respectful if you're paid to be so. You only help around the house for monetary reward, not because you're part of the family and do your share.

That's appalling. Why should she ever be nice, thoughtful or helpful if there's nothing to gain, is what you're teaching her.

No wonder she doesn't want to buy her dad a present. there's nothing in it for her.

My teen docs have been buying gifts for immediate family since they started receiving pocket money. This could have been something small and last minute like a chocolate orange, or something thoughtful requiring advance ordering, like a personalised diary, or a branded hoody for my husband to wear to the gym. We don't expect big things, but expect at least some thought about what the person would like.

DD 15 is less good with her money than our eldest DD. On the occasion that she has not had the money, she has still produced a home made card and made a meal/cake in lieu of a gift.

They need to realise that giving for other people is expected, and must be planned for. Plus, as parents, if we give the money, we can take it away.

My DCs get £30pm. They also have cash for birthdays and christmas in their accounts. The pocket money goes in regardless, and is in no way 'performance related'. Occasionally one of them asks for an advance, or will do extra jobs such as washing the car for additional spending money.

I agree that I'd she can't/won't buy a gift she should look at making a gift, cake, card or meal. I wouldn't cover her, nor sub her if you know she has the money but is choosing to spend it elsewhere.

Your daughter has more monthly disposable income than many adults after they pay household bills from small salaries or benefits.

She should stump up a tenner for her father’s birthday. If she can’t I’d be very disappointed in her selfishness. Remind her who pays her pocket money. However she shouldn’t be expected to use her birthday money on others, only some of her pocket money.

I guess I’m the only one to find this situation weird where in my family we don’t expect gifts off everyone in the household. I have a dh and 3 dc, I don’t expect individual gifts off of them all. For my birthday dh will get the presents and dc will present them to me. When it’s one of the dc’s birthday I buy the presents but they know it’s off all of us. I wouldn’t expect a school age dc to use their pocket money for presents, especially when they’ve had to ‘perform’ to earn it

OK...all opinions welcomed...but am quite surprised at the level of interest in the amount of pocket money we give our dd and also the fact it's 'performance related' (which incidentally we label as such in a lighthearted way). I appreciate all feedback on the present payment element which is what I was after feedback on. The pocket money system works for us and is a tool to encourage and improve dds attitude around the house, which like a lot of teens, is seriously lacking at times. It's a fact if life that you reap what you sow.....that's the simple lesson. The amount we give is affordable. She buys all her own clothes out of it, funds social occasions with her mates (when restrictions have allowed!) And take outs. We pay phone, personal stuff, school dinners and bus.....I think it's a fair deal and it suits us....every family is going to be different. That's not what I've come on here to have judged....

@SantaMonicaPier

DD is expected to buy gifts herself. At 12 she gets £20 a week but that covers bus fares and school meals although we cover her phone bill. She chooses to walk (2 miles each way) and take packed lunches instead (which she makes) as if she got the bus each day and paid for her lunches she'd have very little left. I'm pleased she's learning the value of what she spends already and is making decisions based on that.

That's not pocket money. Lunch and bus money is just that, lunch and bus money. I used to do the same thing as your dd, and save my bus money even when weather was shitty as otherwise I couldn't buy a thing. It's really shitty.

No wonder she doesn't want to buy presents out of her money if you make her earn it then expect her to spend it on basic necessities such as clothes. You do realise it's your job to buy her clothes don't you? So if she doesn't 'perform' well enough she isn't able to buy the things she needs? I hope this doesn't extend to coats and shoes?
Attitude or not, you're not treating her very well.

You're teaching her that far from doing the right thing because it's the right, decent or fair thing, everything has a price. So you only be respectful if you're paid to be so. You only help around the house for monetary reward, not because you're part of the family and do your share

Yup and if she doesn’t comlkg she’s no new clothes even if she needs them, and now she’s to spend it on buying gifts for her father.

So she’s to behave a certain way, work for her money and spend it as she’s told.

And some folks are so envious of how much she gets they want it taken off her.

The world is crazy sometimes,

I'd maybe just have a conversation with along the lines of "are we not doing birthday presents any more? Oh good, that will save us lots of money next March/May/whenever her birthday is". Remind her that some things are a two way street.

Obviously I assume you'll be getting her birthday presents regardless, but it's more about the lack of thought, kindness or generosity. She seems a bit me me me financially, not because she's necessarily selfish - I'm sure she's lovely - but because perhaps she's not really considered the other side of the coin before.

@maryberryslayers....wow...to say I'm not treating my daughter very well is actually quite offensive....my daughter is very well cared for. I don't expect her to buy her own clothes....it's what she chooses to spend her money on therefore I don't need to buy everything for her....im certainly not expecting her to kit herself out with school uniform or anything!! And yes, I do buy coats and shoes and essentials as needed. ...it's the high fashion cheap stuff she likes to buy. I'll step back from the thread now as I don't want to be further judged on the way we allocate pocket money and the admission dd likes to spend it on clothes.

From 14 (the age I was allowed to go shopping alone, days before internet shopping) I bought all my families gifts for birthday/xmas/mother&fathers day out of my own money and never thought for one second not to and never ever had to be told to - that money was entirely made up of birthday/xmas money too as I never got pocket money or an allowence.

Not to be rude but your daughter sound a combination between spoilt, selfish, rude and a downright moocher and you should address that instead of letting her walk all over you.

If she refused to be decent then I wouldnt support her anymore, no more allowence/pocket money and I would certainly not gift her for her birthdays if she thinks its beneth her to repocipicate. Life is not tit for tat, it should be I paid you £20 so get £20 back because circumstances are different but the fact she blows £100 on her boyfriend and £15 on herself but couldnt even be bothered to get a card and a couple of £ on her dads favorite sweets or something shows everything. Life should be is a fair exchange of love, care and effort and if one side refuses even the basic then they dont get to recieve what they refuse to give back.

@Fudgecakes

Thanks all...some interesting responses. I wasn't at all happy about her spending so much on her boyfriend....but at the same time felt it was lovely of her to be so generous and she said she'd rather spend it on him than on herself....shame she's no applying the same thought process to her dad!

I'm going to try and strike some middle ground....I'll stump up a fiver so at least he gets something....I'll encourage her to match it by saying he really wants X but it's a renner and see how we go.

Haha @ Fiddlersgreen....performance related pocket money.....basically there's £22 a week up for grabs. We've set about 7 criteria she needs to fulfill to get the full 22 so each one is worth £3 odd....like keeping bedroom tidy, helping round the house, doing stuff other than phone, being 100% respectful, handing phone over nicely at night, doing homework. We assess how well she's done and give her a % of that €3 odd for each one eg no helping round house she drops £3, arsey on 3 nights of handing over phone, she drops £1.50

Why does she have to hand her phone over?

Thats exceptionally controlling and boundry crossing IMO, unless you have serious concerns for he welfare (like she joined ISIS or is doing heroin) then you shouldnt be taking or monitoring her communication.

I was of the generation when texting first became a thing (on old 90s bricks with ariels) and my parents use to take my phone and I still pissed 20 years later and I let most things slide easily but its such a blatent abuse of privacy and control and really hammered home how little trust and respect they had for me.

If its to do with not staying up all night playing games etc... so shes not tired for school then thats really something she has to learn and be trusted with its anothing thing she has to take responsability for.

Im a little confused by people shock at 'performance related pocket money' isnt that ALL pocket money... OPs expectations include some odd line crossing ones but hasnt pocket money always been based on chores and basic behaviour.

I dont do it, never had it as a child (although oldest DS gets pocket money off grandparents for things like helping wash the car in summer) but thats what I have always know it to be from everyone that did get it.

The who premis was they did their jobs (tidy room, empty dishwasher, hoover, take bin out etc...) and they got their pocket money (only I'm sure it use to be like £1-£2 a week) if they didnt do what they where suppose to then no pocket money - so based on performance of tasks they where paid a weekly amount.

@mam0918

From 14 (the age I was allowed to go shopping alone, days before internet shopping) I bought all my families gifts for birthday/xmas/mother&fathers day out of my own money and never thought for one second not to and never ever had to be told to - that money was entirely made up of birthday/xmas money too as I never got pocket money or an allowence.

Not to be rude but your daughter sound a combination between spoilt, selfish, rude and a downright moocher and you should address that instead of letting her walk all over you.

If she refused to be decent then I wouldnt support her anymore, no more allowence/pocket money and I would certainly not gift her for her birthdays if she thinks its beneth her to repocipicate. Life is not tit for tat, it should be I paid you £20 so get £20 back because circumstances are different but the fact she blows £100 on her boyfriend and £15 on herself but couldnt even be bothered to get a card and a couple of £ on her dads favorite sweets or something shows everything. Life should be is a fair exchange of love, care and effort and if one side refuses even the basic then they dont get to recieve what they refuse to give back.

sorry last post just realised a typo it should be

it SHOULD'NT be tit for tat

hope that was obvious but wanted to clarify

My thoughts, which I appreciate may be different to others are that I find it strange to expect children to buy gifts for parents.
I buy my children gifts and for mothers day or my birthday they will make me a cup of tea and some toast as they know that's what I want. I give them pocket money for them not to have it spend on me. What would be the point. I dont understand it because as an adult if I want something then (within reason) I will buy it.
They learn about generosity and giving because we give food to food banks and homeless shelters.
I find the whole thing of children/ teenagers buying presents for adults bizarre.
Ask her to make lunch for her dad or make him a nice sandwich for work. That would be much more thoughtful than buying him something.