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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What time is reasonable to be home for 16 year old DD?

40 replies

Inastatus · 27/10/2020 17:27

My DD has just turned 16. We live in a fairly quiet market town and until recently I’ve let her stay out with friends round town/park etc until sunset and she’s been getting home just before dark. Obviously it’s now dark a lot earlier and she’s arguing with me about being allowed out after dark. She always walks home with a couple of friends but I’m just not comfortable with her being out in the dark/cold.

I’ve told her she can bring a friend or 2 back home but she is generally mixing with up to 5 others (they are all in same school bubble and we are in tier 1 so allowed in group of up to 6 but obviously can’t have them all back).

Last night she was home by 7pm which is quite early I know but it was pitch dark. She was moaning that it’s half term and she’s 16 and her friends are allowed out later. I’m not sure if I’m right. It’s difficult for me to trust my judgement sometimes because my DD’s best friend isn’t allowed to hang out in town at all!

I’d be interested in your opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:
GlamGiraffe · 27/10/2020 17:31

I do live in London so there is a differencen but that is incredibly early. 10pm would be reasonable amongst even the most cautious parents I've known.

What time do her friends have to be home?

booandbumpp · 27/10/2020 17:35

When I was 16 I was allowed out till the last bus home - 11 o’clock! 7pm is a bit early OP.

NotAKaren · 27/10/2020 17:38

Depends on the circumstances, who she's with, what they are doing?

Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 17:43

Thanks for replying Glam. I know it’s early but if she is at someone’s house then she’s allowed out later, it’s just earlier if she’s hanging around outside.

The friends she’s mixing with at the moment are not ones I know terribly well and I don’t know the parents. They tend to drift off home when she does at the moment but I’m not sure what time they’d be allowed to stay out til.

She has other close friends whose mums I know well, but they haven’t been interested in coming out since it’s got colder/darker so I’ve got no one to ‘check in’ with about timings?

OP posts:
yeOldeTrout · 27/10/2020 17:51

She's big enough to manage the cold & dark.

What bad things do you think will happen if she's out on her own -- will her friends coax her into drugs, vandalism or sex?

Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 17:51

Thanks booandbumpp - I know it’s very early but, taking on Notakaren’s point, I don’t really know exactly who she’s with or what she’s doing. I know one if the girls she’s with who is nice, but I don’t really know the boys.

DD assures me they are nice boys and they are always kind enough to walk her home. She says they just hang around talking and listening to music - there really isn’t anything else they can do at the moment.

There was an issue at the end of the summer hols when DD admitted trying weed but promises she hasn’t done it since. She never smells of smoke or has any signs of having done anything so I’m trying to trust her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 17:58

@Yeoldetrout - I hope not but obviously it worries me! I am also very judged by her best friend’s mum who, since the trying of weed incident that both DD and her bf were involved in at the end of summer, will not let her DD out in town at all day or night!

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 27/10/2020 18:08

I never had curfews for my kids and they always behaved sensibly. I also trusted them to be sensible about the company they kept. 16 is way old enough to be out and about after dark.

And to be honest smoking weed sounds pretty normal at that age. (And no I'm not a fan of drugs...).

jennie0412 · 27/10/2020 18:12

I'm allowed out until 11pmish if with other people (as in not just wandering around town on my own), as long as my dad is home to pick me up.

Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 18:16

Thanks Bouledeneige, that’s good to hear. And yes, you are right about the weed.
I just needed some perspective on the situation because as I said, I feel my judgement is being affected by the extreme actions of my DD’s best friend’s parents. I’ll try to be a bit more flexible in future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 18:21

Thanks Jennie - good to hear from a young person’s perspective. Out of interest what do you do until 11pm? Just hang about chatting etc? I wish there was more for you all to do though I guess compared to some, you and my DD are lucky to be able to go out at all at the moment!

OP posts:
PamDemic · 27/10/2020 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedskyAtnight · 27/10/2020 18:24

In Covid times I think what's "allowed" for teens has had to change. Last year I would be horrified that DS was hanging round underpasses with a group of other teenage boys. This year, it feels like a sensible place for them to meet that is legal and relatively risk free in terms of spreading Covid (and dry when it rains).

My rules last year were like yours - in by sunset unless at someone's house. This year, with a group of them being round someone's house no longer allowed, I've had to change it to 9pm (weekdays) and 10pm (weekends) but I do expect to have at least a rough idea of where they are and who they are with and that they don't wander around in the dark on their own. The cold is mostly forcing them in earlier though.

jennie0412 · 27/10/2020 18:25

@Inastatus

Thanks Jennie - good to hear from a young person’s perspective. Out of interest what do you do until 11pm? Just hang about chatting etc? I wish there was more for you all to do though I guess compared to some, you and my DD are lucky to be able to go out at all at the moment!
Yep - just sitting in a park/wherever and listening to music or just talking and laughing Smile
Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 18:34

@RedskyAtnight - yes you’re right about Covid times. I’m also hoping that she will want to come home early as it turns even colder.

Thank you all. My DD has just texted me asking is she’s allowed out until 7.30 and Ive said yes - get me! Baby steps 😅

She’s a good girl and always comes home at the time we agree so I do need to cut her some slack!

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 27/10/2020 20:48

If she gets walked home and you know her bf and that she will be safe with him in holiday time I would allow longer probably 10pm but a school night 7.30.
Teenagers do hang around drinking and fighting can start

crimsonlake · 27/10/2020 22:10

To be honest I would not allow mine to hang around town or the park, Winter or Summer.
During the week it was home, homework or a sports activity.
Weekends at that age would be going around friends houses.

Original poster
Inastatus · 27/10/2020 22:14

@crimsonlake - yes but they aren’t allowed at friend’s houses at the moment which is my dilemma!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 27/10/2020 22:20

What is it about hanging around in the cold and dark stops you allowing her to be out any later? 7.30pm is still incredibly early to expect a 16 year old to be home.

Kanaloa · 27/10/2020 22:38

I think I see these things slightly differently because I was an independent 16, more or less an adult, but I think 7/7.30 is too early a curfew for a 16 year old. In a couple of years she will likely be living alone at uni, I think it’s important to let teens this age have more independence.

MondeoFan · 27/10/2020 22:56

My DD is 15 and curfew is 10pm.
Not on a school night though it's 9pm and bed by 10

Original poster
Inastatus · 28/10/2020 08:11

@kanaloa - I know, I keep reminding myself of that fact. I know she needs to have more independence and I realise it’s her best friend’s parents who have been colouring my judgement regarding how I treat DD and that’s not right. Honestly DD’s best friend is not allowed out at all and if DD wants to see her she has to go to her house which is quite a drive away. We live in town so my DD can easily walk to see her other friends. The parents are incredibly controlling and often try to tell me how I should parent DD.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I’m going to talk to DD to agree a later time for her to be in and not let myself be led by other more controlling parents.

OP posts:
Seeline · 28/10/2020 08:26

I know your dilemma!

It is covid. We're tier 2, edge of London so not allowed to mix anywhere indoors.

DD started new school for 6th form so don't know any of her friends. They can't even go to a cafe as different households. The only place is parks. They all live in different areas so would mean getting home on her own or hanging around in the dark waiting for a lift. None of it is ideal ☹️

Seeline · 28/10/2020 08:27

I your dilemma!

It is covid. We're tier 2, edge of London so not allowed to mix anywhere indoors.

DD started new school for 6th form so don't know any of her friends. They can't even go to a cafe as different households. The only place is parks. They all live in different areas so would mean getting home on her own or hanging around in the dark waiting for a lift. None of it is ideal ☹️

milkysmum · 28/10/2020 08:30

I think 7pm is very very early for a 16 year old. Most 11/12 year olds round here are allowed out until that age. I would say by 16 a 10pm curfew is more the norm- later even if they were doing something more specific.

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