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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you let a 14yr old go to a birthday party sleepover of a person you do not know whose parents you have never met?

55 replies

slowreader · 14/10/2007 21:23

Because I don't want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
slowreader · 14/10/2007 22:03

Can't have sleepover here- its friend's birthday party.
Friend will never come here, don't know why, plenty of others do. (Friend lives in next town- have offered transport but always refused).

OP posts:
watling · 14/10/2007 22:17

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
slowreader · 14/10/2007 22:21

Yes you are right, having been hearing alarm bells all day.

OP posts:
watling · 14/10/2007 22:24

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bosscat · 14/10/2007 22:28

absolutely no way. no sleepovers unless i knew the parents REALLY well. i have got someone asking if ds1 can sleep over at theirs .. he's 5 and i've known them for as long as he's been in reception. I've never been to their house and they aren't local/ are these people mad??

Original poster
slowreader · 14/10/2007 22:30

Thanks for listening! There will be local bonfire that day, with local friends.
Not the same as a night with the cool crowd though I know.

Hate saying no.

OP posts:
watling · 14/10/2007 22:31

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WendyWeber · 14/10/2007 22:39

Well I was going to say this is inevitably how it is at secondary school, and couldn't you just get the lad's phone number and ring his house; and then I came to the post about this boy refusing to come to your house - and that is odd.

If you can't at least speak to the parents and your gut feeling is to say no then I think you have to.

My 14-yr-old got paralytic the other day at the house of a lad I don't really know (although he has been to our house) so I am a bit warier now!

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 14/10/2007 22:41

When DS was 14 we took three of his friends out for dinner (and DS obviously!) as his birthday treat and then they all camped out in DS's tent our garden. None of the parents knew us at that stage, although one of them rang me to check all was ok..

Is it different for boys?

Original poster
slowreader · 14/10/2007 22:46

That sounds nice Shiny. I would do that. But I would have been one of the parents that rang. But its not the same as bonfire night in a place where he doesn't even know his way around.
Had you met the boys yourself though?

OP posts:
WendyWeber · 14/10/2007 23:03

I maybe should mention that DS2 is my 4th and I have become increasingly casual (increasingly crap ) with my teenagers - and, of course, he is a boy (I was practically neurotic with the first 2, both girls). I wonder how many of the other casual parents are the same?

Also his friends live over a very wide area and we don't always have their addresses, postcodes etc - we do well to get a phone number. Since the alcohol incident I have clamped down much more than before, and he now has to ask before arranging things and give specific details. (He has no phone which is a pain, but he lost the last 2 and none of us is inclined to waste any more money on them)

mumblechum · 15/10/2007 10:45

My ds went to a birthday sleepover for his friend's 12th a few months ago, and I didn't know his parents, but just phoned up to RSVP, when the mum said she was taking them to the cinema, Pizza Hut etc.

I didn't think of it as checking up, tbh, all my ds's friends seem to be well brought up lads, and it didn't occur to me that there'd be a problem.

Maybe I'm just naive....

twelveyeargap · 15/10/2007 17:49

Yes, provided I spoke to one of the parents on the phone first. I did this with 12yo DD at the weekend.

mumeeee · 15/10/2007 20:44

DD 3 is 15 and she is only allowed to go to sleepovers if I have spoken to the parents first. DD2 17 does go to sleepovers even if I havn't spoken to the parents but we insist she gives us a name and address of the person she'll be staying with.

BeetrootMNRoyalty · 15/10/2007 20:50

I think we should BAN sleepovers.

They are tedious and cause endless hassle

NAB3 · 15/10/2007 21:28

No way.

mumblechum · 15/10/2007 21:28

I know, Beety, my dh just will not tolerate them, so only have them when he's away.

They always get overtired and end up squabbling

cluelessnchaos · 15/10/2007 21:35

No problem with sleepovers, but never without having spoken to the parents, when I was 14 I told my parents I was staying at a friends and went and got sloshed, planning to sleep rough for the night. Would only say yes if I had spoken to the parents and if I dropped him at the house.

ivykaty44 · 16/10/2007 18:18

I always speak to the parents on a landline, thats the rule. So if dd wants to go to a sleep over at such and such I want to know the exact address and telephone the parent.

My dd has never had a problem with this and neither has the other host parent. I always leave my mobile number and landline in case of emergancy.

BeetrootMNRoyalty · 17/10/2007 18:09

the lying that goes on around here regarding sleepovers is ridiculous.

the amount of shagfests I have heard of!!

tigermoth · 19/10/2007 07:31

gulp....just read beetroot's last message. Now I will read the thread with trepidation!(back in a minute)

tigermoth · 19/10/2007 08:02

Well, now I've read the thread, I am surprised by the number of firm 'no's'.

My son is six months shy of 14. I have never met any of his school friends, or their parents, except for one boy and his family.I have repeatedly asked ds to invite friends round in the holidays or arrange to see a group of them for a cinema trip etc but he tells me this is not what people do.

So if ds had an invite to a birthday party sleepover, it would inevitably be with a family I didn't know. I'n no fan of sleepovers, but for ds to have any sort of out of school social life with his friends, I would have to trust him at some point and let him to to things like this.

But I'd do the checking up thing first. Definitely phone the parents, introduce myself and hope to have quite a long chat with them. Would be worried if they seemed vague, uninclined to talk or very casual about the arrangements.

In your shoes, slowreader, I'd want to know how many adults are taking the group to the firework display, and whether there will be any alcohol at the party. Also have the parents held similar parties before and if so how did they go? I'd also want to know a lot about the sleeping arrangements, how many guests are staying over, if they are all from the school, their ages etc etc.

I might also phone up a parent of another guest, especially one who has been to the house before. Perhaps on the pretext of sharing lifts back, but also to get some background info.

We do have some friends who hold big parties for their children - they are nice people and good parents but they have a surprisingly casual attitude to 10 year olds swigging lager, so I know how house rules can vary.

Another thing to do - if your dd goes, can you accidently on purpose forget to pack something necessary? Let her go to the party, then phone the host in a few hours to say you are dropping of 'x' because you forgot to give it to your dd.

Say to them you are on you way already as you are in the area, turn up on the doorstep, suss out the situation and if you don't like the way things are looking, take your dd back home.

oxocube · 19/10/2007 08:12

have just asked ds (12) and he said (rather emphatically!) NO! He has also been doing sleepovers for years but I know the parents, know the kids etc. Agree that in High School, its very different to primary but still would feel very uncomfortable about not even having spoken to the parents concerned.

nappyaddict · 19/10/2007 08:38

i don't get this having to speak to the parent thing. my mum stopped ringing up parents over staying at friends as soon as i left primary school. never gave her a landline number, and sometimes she didn't know an address (but most of the time she did just cos she would have dropped me off there)

3littlebats · 20/10/2007 19:04

No. I have worked hard at encouraging friends round, meeting parents etc. It pays dividends as they get to 16 or 17 and you are sitting up late at night worrying.

I have 6 16 yearolds here to watch the Rugby, plus the 18 yrold and his GF and I would so much rather they were all here than not know where they are.

All the parents know they are here and safe.

Loads of street crime, stabbings etc round here though, so maybe my situation is different.