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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Does everyone let their 12yo's out on their own?

33 replies

Helenj1977 · 23/10/2020 18:42

Is it just me who doesn't?

Dd has been to a friends yesterday and they walked to the park at 6.30 so it was dark. I was fuming with dd because she knows she's not allowed.

Am I being too over protective?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2020 18:46

Am I being too over protective?

Not in my opinion. 12 year olds should not be in the park unsupervised after dark. Mine were certainly not allowed to do that at 12.

Ducksurprise · 23/10/2020 18:48

Yes and no. I would let my 12 year old go to the park but would not allowed in the dark.

BrightSunshineDay · 23/10/2020 18:51

Yes for a few years now! Not in the dark though.

InTheLongGrass · 23/10/2020 18:52

Park, yes. After dark, no (only 11 tho).
He also, pre covid, used to pop to the shop for milk/bread, and gets himself to/from school. When covid working from home stops for DH, he will be letting himself into an empty house several nights week. I'll be about an hour behind him.

MrsBungle · 23/10/2020 18:52

My 11 year old goes out on her own. She has to get the bus to school on her own anyway. I wouldn't let her to the park after dark though.

Toomanycats99 · 23/10/2020 18:53

I like my daughter home by 6ish in the winter. If she was out at that time she would usually have gone to local town after school and be sitting in shopping centre / MacDonalds .

She wouldn't be allowed to go to the park
In the dark.

Daytime im quite relaxed and she goes to a local town or the park.

MattBerrysHair · 23/10/2020 18:55

Not overprotective for not allowing her to go out in the dark. In the daylight I have no problem with my 12 year old DS going out alone to meet friends, but the dark is very different. Most of the antisocial behaviour in our town occurs after dusk.

Digeridont · 23/10/2020 18:56

My 12yo travels to and from school and activities by herself, in the dark when necessary due to timings and short winter days. I require a text when she gets to wherever she’s going, and one when she’s on her way home.

ProfYaffle · 23/10/2020 18:57

Out and about, meeting friends, going into town etc on their own - yes, from starting High School.

Hanging around parks in the evenings - no, but they're welcome to come to our house and I'll throw a pizza at the problem.

Sweettea1 · 23/10/2020 18:58

I would let him go (wish he would ) children need freedom it encourages independence but if he did decide togo out at somepoint I would expect him bk b4 it got dark Especially this time of year so many nasty teenagers about now.

daisypond · 23/10/2020 19:00

How does your 12-year-old get to school and back? Does she never go to the shops or to get friends’ houses any other activities with her friends?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 23/10/2020 19:00

Not to hang around no, but to walk to the bus stop to catch the bus to school yes! My children all have to walk to the bus stop in the dark, all children here (Germany) do that from age 6 (in groups, not alone, and lit up like Christmas trees with reflectors and key fob lights).

FlyingFlamingo · 23/10/2020 19:02

Much like everyone else, my 12yo is allowed to meet friends in the park but generally I ask her to be home by 5.

Original poster
Helenj1977 · 23/10/2020 19:04

Thank you all. I'm most upset that it was dark.

She gets to the bus stop etc by herself. That's as far as I let her go.

OP posts:
unicornparty · 23/10/2020 19:42

My 10 year old goes out on his own

lljkk · 23/10/2020 20:37

My 8yr olds were allowed out on own.

Dark... meh. with friends, local, quiet place, probably ok but mine never wanted to do that type of hanging out, anyway. Today it was pissing down at 6:30pm

corythatwas · 24/10/2020 10:10

This is an age where they need to build up their savviness gradually, to be ready to cope with adult independence in 6 years time. It includes a lot of discussions about safety and "what would you do in x scenario" and it also involves a mutual understanding that the more sensible you are the safer you will be. For 2 young girls to be alone in the park after dark is not sensible. I would spell that out to her in no uncertain terms.

At the same time I would also tell her I recognise she needs more independence now, and discuss things she can do. Going into town might be one thing- though at the moment she will also have to demonstrate her maturity by discussing Covid safety. Is there something else she could do in the daytime?

Make it clear that the more open she is in explaining her thinking, the more mature you will think her and the more freedom you will give her.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 24/10/2020 10:16

12 is the around the age they need to start getting a lot more freedom.

In 4 years time your child could legally leave home and have a baby if they wanted to.

Our job as parents isn't to protect our kids from the world, it's to teach them how to live in it and do so as safely as possible.

We are creating a generation of kids who know nothing about how to navigate the world, then will be thrown into it as an adult and not have a clue, which is terrifying.

corythatwas · 24/10/2020 11:13

What you need to do, both of you, is to gradually over the next few years change the way you talk and think about these issues. Instead of "I will only let you go to the bus stop" you need to start working towards "what do you think would be a sensible way of dealing with this?" A child who believes they are in charge and that they are trustworthy will be much safer than a child who is trying to evade parental supervision.

But yes, agree with the others that she is certainly old enough to have more independence.

TobblyBobbly · 24/10/2020 11:20

But in December it will be getting dark around 4pm! Assuming the park they went to isn't particularly dangerous (isolated or in a high crime area or whatever), then I think you're being a bit over protective OP.

Lemonsyellow · 24/10/2020 11:24

@Helenj1977

Thank you all. I'm most upset that it was dark.

She gets to the bus stop etc by herself. That's as far as I let her go.

I think that is very extreme and a bit neglectful as a parent. Your daughter is 12, nearly a teenager. She needs to have more independence, and it’s your job as a parent to help her deal with the pros and cons of being more independent to help her navigate the world.
ShinyGreenElephant · 24/10/2020 11:25

My 11yo has been allowed out with friends since the summer she turned 10 but she always has to be home by dark. They spend hours hanging round the park but I would be very uncomfortable with her going there when its dark

AdventCaroline · 24/10/2020 11:29

My 12 year old has to text or ring for things like that.
She met a friend in town the other day and they planned to go to the park, but ended up going back to friend's garden - Dd phoned to check it was ok and tell me where she would be first.

She also texts if she is walking home from school a different route.

I usually say yes, so she is happy to tell me - I just need to know where she is. But we did have a few incidents at the end of year 6 of me not knowing where she had gone, which is why we have the phone/text rule.

I would not be happy about the park in the dark.

Sevo7 · 24/10/2020 11:30

My DS is 11. He’s allowed out with his friends until 7.30pm at the weekend now it’s darker and this includes going to the park and the local shop. However we live in a village which can be abit rough around the edges but it’s the type where everyone looks out for each other. If we lived in a town he definitely wouldn’t have the same freedom.

CovidNightmare · 24/10/2020 12:24

ds has been going out on his own since he was 9, within the confines of our housing estate. At 12 he wouldn't go into town for a general wander (as no interest there for him), but would go in for cinema/food (pre lockdown) or further afield on their bikes to football pitches, parks or just for a ride etc.

But he would be in/on his way back by dark at that age.

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