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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How can I make my teenager stay in school?

51 replies

GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 14:13

Hi 👋 I’m a long term lurker and I have a problem that’s becoming more a more stressful every day.

Our eldest is 15 (year 10) and I can’t make him stay at school. A bit of background, I’ll try to keep it brief. The first time he left the school grounds was in year 6 of primary school. With friends messing around etc. He had always been great at school so he got into trouble obviously and we put it down to stress at starting high school. He was fine until the end of year 8 at high school where he started being rude to staff and walking out of lessons. Never left the school grounds until last year. He would just walk out when he felt like it. He went back in September and did it again on the first day and has done it at least once a week since.

Sometimes he goes back. Like yesterday he walked out, went to the shops and then went back to school. He either messages me when he leaves or I call him when the school phones me. The reasons he gives range from people saying horrible things to him (his girlfriends friends apparently) or getting into a fight but quite often it’s just that he didn’t enjoy the lesson or doesn’t like the teacher or doesn’t like the seating arrangement etc etc.

I have considered home educating him and that is still on the cards. When the schools were closed he was so much happier but he wouldn’t do any of the work. Nothing at all except play the guitar or piano for hours. That’s what worries me about taking him out of school, his future if he won’t do any school work.

I really want to add that he is a great kid at home. I’m sure that sounds like I’m making excuses for him but I want you to understand the context because he isn’t a trouble maker at home. He has 2 younger brothers and a sister and he’s kind and helpful and isn’t rude or unruly. Is home by 5pm every day and does stuff around the house etc. But I can’t get him to stay at school and I feel like a failure as a mum every time the school calls me to tell me he’s left, like I can’t control him and I feel awful. I’m worried about his future too if he won’t stay in school. I’m just at a loss to know what to do as I can’t physically keep him at school and he doesn’t seem to care about any of it.

Any advice or experience from those who have been through similar would be so helpful thank you.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 13/10/2020 14:18

Honestly this won't be a popular opinion but I think its your responsibility to get him to school and the schools responsibility to keep him there. How is he able to just walk off the grounds? I know we couldn't although that was a few years ago now.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/10/2020 14:18

Maybe a switch of school environment for him- do you have anywhere else relatively local?

SMurphy91 · 13/10/2020 14:24

I agree with previous poster - you can't physically keep him in school without being there all day yourself but how is he being punished for it?
He's old enough to understand the implications of not getting good GCSEs - have you sat and asked him what he thinks he'll do with his life? Are there any repercussions once he gets home? Could you approach the punishment differently so that he stops to think about what will happen if you find out he's walked out again?

Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 14:25

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Honestly this won't be a popular opinion but I think its your responsibility to get him to school and the schools responsibility to keep him there. How is he able to just walk off the grounds? I know we couldn't although that was a few years ago now.
That’s exactly what my husband said.

Today the receptionist told me he jumped over the fence and yesterday she said he just walked out. When it happened in year 6 I asked how they could just left him leave and the head teacher said ‘we’re a school not a prison’ and he was 11 then.

OP posts:
Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 14:26

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy

Maybe a switch of school environment for him- do you have anywhere else relatively local?
Thank you for your reply I have thought about that. We have another school local but it has really bad exam and ofsted reports so I’m reluctant to send him there although I haven’t ruled anything out yet.
OP posts:
Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 14:31

@SMurphy91

I agree with previous poster - you can't physically keep him in school without being there all day yourself but how is he being punished for it? He's old enough to understand the implications of not getting good GCSEs - have you sat and asked him what he thinks he'll do with his life? Are there any repercussions once he gets home? Could you approach the punishment differently so that he stops to think about what will happen if you find out he's walked out again?
Thank you for the reply. He wants to do something with music when he leaves school or something like building work but he isn’t sure yet.

He gets either a detention from the school or an inclusion as the consequence. At home he will get either phone removal or grounded etc depending on what he has done but nothing works unfortunately. It’s like he’s all for going to school, chats to me in the morning about it and tells he what lessons he has etc. Then something happens and he changes his mind but I’m not there so I don’t know what switches him. I talk to him on the phone afterwards but he refuses to go back. I honestly feel completely useless not being able to get him to go to school and worried about fines.

OP posts:
Yorkshirehillbilly · 13/10/2020 15:14

Are there any FE colleges locally that take from age 14 and do mix gcse and vocational. Maybe that would suit him better.
I think the ones that take from 14 are called UTC’s

lljkk · 13/10/2020 15:23

You need to involve him in finding the solution.
What is he going to do with himself? Does he intend to get GCSEs but play truant a lot in meantime?

If he plans to engage eventually -- when? When will he make the effort?

Does he realise you could be hugely fined if he doesn't go?

I had one who was truant a lot, btw. He's turned into a responsible adult, btw, but boy did he hate school. Yr9-10 were very Not fun for us.

Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 15:45

@Yorkshirehillbilly

Are there any FE colleges locally that take from age 14 and do mix gcse and vocational. Maybe that would suit him better. I think the ones that take from 14 are called UTC’s
Thank you I’ll definitely look into those.
OP posts:
Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 15:48

@lljkk

You need to involve him in finding the solution. What is he going to do with himself? Does he intend to get GCSEs but play truant a lot in meantime?

If he plans to engage eventually -- when? When will he make the effort?

Does he realise you could be hugely fined if he doesn't go?

I had one who was truant a lot, btw. He's turned into a responsible adult, btw, but boy did he hate school. Yr9-10 were very Not fun for us.

Thank you. Its reassuring to know I’m not the only one. Incidentally I was the same as his age and didn’t see the point in school and hugely regret it and now doing a degree with the open university.

I’ve told him I could be fined and he just says ‘oh you won’t it’ll be fine’. I’ve asked him about GCSE’s but he really doesn’t care about exams. He was offered an assessment to see if he needs help with taking exams such as a reader or similar (he is borderline dyslexic) but he refused the assessment and says he doesn’t want help with them!

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 13/10/2020 15:54

You say you've tried taking his phone and grounding him, and it doesn't work. You also say all he wants to do is play guitar and piano. Seems obvious that the solution is to take his guitar and put a lock on the piano until he stops fucking about.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/10/2020 15:56

Agree that you should find a local FE college which do a mixture of GCSE’s or BTEC level 2 and vocational.
He is obviously not suited to school and finds it difficult. The fact that he is well behaved at home suggests that the problem is at school.
Trying to force him to remain at school will not work. You have to look at alternative routes in order to educate him.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/10/2020 15:58

Just noticed that he has refused to be assessed. The problem could be that he finds it difficult to access the curriculum because of some undiagnosed need. However, he cannot be helped if he refuses to be assessed

FlorenceNightshade · 13/10/2020 16:04

As PPs have said you need to sit him down and have a serious chat about what he wants for his future and how he plans to achieve it. School isn’t for everyone so is their a careers officer or similar he can speak to about his options?

I absolutely disagree that it’s up to the school to keep him there at his age though. What if he got aggressive or frustrated? Schools have enough on their plates with the ones who want to learn and be educated in school so I quite understand them letting an older child choose to walk out.

MiniCooperLover · 13/10/2020 16:12

Start taking away the things that matter. The piano, the guitar. Remind him how you wish you'd tried harder (sorry).

Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 16:18

I get what you’re saying but I’m not too sure I want to ban something like art (his music) as expression helps him as he has anxiety at times. I will give it some thought though thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 16:21

@areyoubeingserviced

Just noticed that he has refused to be assessed. The problem could be that he finds it difficult to access the curriculum because of some undiagnosed need. However, he cannot be helped if he refuses to be assessed
Thank you. I think the problem there is that we spent months telling the school he was finding work hard (this is in year 7-8) and they refused to give him a dyslexic test as they said he was just badly behaved. We ended up going private for a test and was told he ha smiled dyslexia. I think he has lost faith in any help from them.
OP posts:
Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 16:22

@areyoubeingserviced

Agree that you should find a local FE college which do a mixture of GCSE’s or BTEC level 2 and vocational. He is obviously not suited to school and finds it difficult. The fact that he is well behaved at home suggests that the problem is at school. Trying to force him to remain at school will not work. You have to look at alternative routes in order to educate him.
Thank you that’s what I’m thinking too.
OP posts:
CoffeeChouxBun · 13/10/2020 16:25

I'm not sure punishment will sort this out. He's not doing it because he's 'naughty'. This can be a hideous time for adolescent boys. Many (even intelligent ones) just don't have the capacity to understand the implications of their behaviour- or they are in a sort of risky reckless phase where they don't give a damn.
I can't see how a change of school will help (unless it's to somewhere that has a completely different approach) as he won't necessarily like the teachers/ lesson/ seating plan there and will just walk out.
I agree that the way forward is by working it out with him. It may be a case of just riding it out as he matures and relentlessly trying to impress upon him how important this stage of his education is- to give him CHOICE in his future. Can he do any music related courses?

LittleSwede · 13/10/2020 16:30

Have you looked at the website notfineinschool OP? It's got some great resources for parents of children/teens who are not fine in schools.

I've spent 10 years of my teaching career working with kids out for schools for various reasons, first at a PRU and now as a support teacher for kids out for school for medical reasons. Some kids just don't fit into school. If your son can get his qualifications at an alternative setting it is not the end of the world. Many of my previous students have gone on to have college/apprenticeships/university. Without the usual set of GCSEs and mainstream education.

Morfin · 13/10/2020 16:33

Don't take away his music, it's not a case of him not realizing his behavior has consequences its that he can't currently regulate his emotions. You wouldn't remove the favourite teddy from a toddler for having a tantrum, and it's much the same.
I am working with a similar child atm, we have spoken to college to find out what he needs to get on the course he wants. He needs maths, English and two other subjects. Working with school he has dropped some subjects and now is just working on five gsce. He has to spend his spare periods in the student support center. He also has a red card so can leave the class whenever he wants, he is meant to go to the SSC but sometimes still walks out but it happens less now.
Don't worry about being fined, parents who are trying and engaging do not get fined. As much as school stresses you both out take comfort that at home he is happy.

Ohalrightthen · 13/10/2020 16:37

@GypsyWanderer

I get what you’re saying but I’m not too sure I want to ban something like art (his music) as expression helps him as he has anxiety at times. I will give it some thought though thank you.
Therapy for the anxiety, discipline for the truancy. He's walking all over you, and unfortunately for him, he's the one who will suffer for it in the future.
Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 16:53

@CoffeeChouxBun

I'm not sure punishment will sort this out. He's not doing it because he's 'naughty'. This can be a hideous time for adolescent boys. Many (even intelligent ones) just don't have the capacity to understand the implications of their behaviour- or they are in a sort of risky reckless phase where they don't give a damn. I can't see how a change of school will help (unless it's to somewhere that has a completely different approach) as he won't necessarily like the teachers/ lesson/ seating plan there and will just walk out. I agree that the way forward is by working it out with him. It may be a case of just riding it out as he matures and relentlessly trying to impress upon him how important this stage of his education is- to give him CHOICE in his future. Can he do any music related courses?
Thank you for your reply. He’s doing GCSE music and he’s also doing drama and resistant materials. All these practical lessons he’s fine in, the teachers like him and he gets merits. But the academic subjects (especially science and maths, geography), they’re the ones he walks out of.
OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/10/2020 16:56

I was this teenager tbh.
No amount of discipline will make a difference- they will only resent going even more.
Speak to the school about what they can do for him. Is it subjects or teachers he’s not connecting with?
I couldn’t get my head around maths until I went to college- school was just teachers who couldn’t tell the difference between me being wilful and me actually not getting it.

Original poster
GypsyWanderer · 13/10/2020 16:56

@LittleSwede

Have you looked at the website notfineinschool OP? It's got some great resources for parents of children/teens who are not fine in schools.

I've spent 10 years of my teaching career working with kids out for schools for various reasons, first at a PRU and now as a support teacher for kids out for school for medical reasons. Some kids just don't fit into school. If your son can get his qualifications at an alternative setting it is not the end of the world. Many of my previous students have gone on to have college/apprenticeships/university. Without the usual set of GCSEs and mainstream education.

I’m going to check out that website now thank you. I was quite adamant about home educating last year and when the schools closed for the lockdown I thought what a good opportunity to give it a try and see what happens. But then he wouldn’t do any of the work!
OP posts:
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